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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come more often?

353 replies

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 18:35

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP posts:
user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:41

There’s no way I’d accept that as it means you’re basically a single parent all week.

She really isn't.

user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:43

This was my thinking really. The financial affects aren't hugely relevant as it's not like DSS HAS to come more often. If it's not practical for DH financially or business wise then surely he'll have to say no, not me just accept the additional load?

It doesn't really work like that.
Many parents face negative financial impact by having children, including his mum who is doing the bulk.
YANBU to say no but I agree with PP, it depends which role you wish to take, step mother or dad's dp.

user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:44

@Janaih

Contact time is for kids to see their other parent, not the kid down the road. No deal. I would agree to the odd one every now and again but not any regular arrangement. Noooo.
What drivel
user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:56

@Clymene

Fucking hell *@PlanDeRaccordement* - only you could blithely confess that you didn't even look after your own kids while chastising another woman for not wanting to look after someone else's.

I have to hand it to you - your chutzpah is boundless GrinGrin

Hmm

What the fuck?

So if she is working she isn't parenting her kids? Wtf

user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:57

@ReturnOfThePedi

Lol, I am forgetting you are precious first baby stage. Talk to me when you have four DC under age 7 to handle. Taking care of a baby plus a 9yr old is as easy as breathing.

Guessing your DC? That you chose to have? Who you are a mother to?

And you chose to marry someone with children.
user47899335 · 07/09/2021 04:58

@ReturnOfThePedi

Honestly, at 9 I was home alone after school until my parents got home from work around 7pm

Either you were a very grown up 9 year old or DSS is very immature but none of us would ever dream of doing this.

In terms of what it actually entails, school runs, homework, tea cooking (I don't have anything until DH gets home when baby is in bed), keeping an eye on him playing out etc.. all whilst trying to sort baby out with their tea, their bath, their bedtime (which I'm usually part way through by the time DH gets home).

Yes I know it's not impossible, yes I know single parents do it. But I'm not a single parent, and whilst he's a good kid, nor am I his parent either.

You already make tea for your baby, just double up the amounts.

You can choose not to parent dss whilst his father is not there but you don't need to make up excuses. You just don't want to parent him.

Nowthisisme · 07/09/2021 05:29

Brave to post a step parenting question in AIBU!
I think you are entirely reasonable to set the expectation that if his son wishes to use the house during the week as a base for seeing his friends then his parents should facilitate that and that your role in that should not be taken for granted.

Goldbar · 07/09/2021 05:39

You can choose not to parent dss whilst his father is not there but you don't need to make up excuses. You just don't want to parent him.

And that's fine. Because she's not his parent. He has two parents already.

Clymene · 07/09/2021 05:46

If you're working away, you're not looking after your children are you @user47899335?

That's hardly a controversial statement. Even Plan can't be in two places at once.
.

user47899335 · 07/09/2021 05:54

@Clymene

If you're working away, you're not looking after your children are you *@user47899335*?

That's hardly a controversial statement. Even Plan can't be in two places at once.
.

It's nonsense. I'm yet to see a poster on mumsnet tell them that they aren't parenting as they work or they aren't parenting because they take a shower.
MyOtherProfile · 07/09/2021 06:01

You already make tea for your baby, just double up the amounts
GrinGrinGrin

Nor many 9 year olds would be happy to eat the same mush as an 8 month old!

Strictly1 · 07/09/2021 06:04

I don't disagree with you. Just wondering though, how will you feel if he does reduce his hours and as a result less money is earned? Will you be cross that your DH has put the needs of his son above his business?

Waspsarearseholes · 07/09/2021 06:05

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Waspsarearseholes
Working is part of parenting. And it doesn’t matter if man or not, I said early on I was the one with the long hours job when the DC were little. You saying I did “fuck all”? Yeah you’re showing your privilege there, not all of us get to play house.[/quote]
What is they say about making assumptions? You've made so many on this thread that you really have made an ass of yourself.

Clymene · 07/09/2021 06:18

Eh? You're making no sense.

Clymene · 07/09/2021 06:20

@Strictly1

I don't disagree with you. Just wondering though, how will you feel if he does reduce his hours and as a result less money is earned? Will you be cross that your DH has put the needs of his son above his business?
He doesn't earn any money from his business. The OP is financially supporting him.
user47899335 · 07/09/2021 06:57

@MyOtherProfile

You already make tea for your baby, just double up the amounts GrinGrinGrin

Nor many 9 year olds would be happy to eat the same mush as an 8 month old!

Mush?

My dc ate what I ate.

funinthesun19 · 07/09/2021 06:58

What will they all do when you go back to work?

Youseethethingis · 07/09/2021 07:11

Being a SM isn't easy, I know from personal experience, but you are a fully grown adult and had a choice about being in your DSC lives - they didn't get that choice
My DS didn't choose to by in my life either. He was born of me and that's that. When he's 9, he won't be just deciding to be at home without his parents to make up for the fact he didn't chose to be born.

And for all saying they don't want to be seen/called SM/SPs: Its simple, if you do not want to parent SC then do not marry or get into a serious relationship with someone who already has children. Don't force innocent children to have to put up with a toxic atmosphere as part of their right to maintain a loving relationship with their NRP
My DH told me before we were even engaged that he didn't see me as a SM, didn't think it was necessary to go there, as DSD gets more than enough mothering from her actual mother. Trust me, there's nothing toxic in not pretending to be child's new Mummy just because you married their dad. We all rub along quite nicely. DSD is parented by her actual parents which seems to be suiting her quite well.
How sad for you that you think honesty and taking responsibility for one's own children makes a toxic environment for a child.

Iamclaracowbell · 07/09/2021 07:29

If the DH was single then DSS wouldn't be able to come over more unless his dad arranged not to be at work would he? That would be my start point tbh, he wants to offer something that simply wouldn't be an option without offering up someone else's time

Aquathest · 07/09/2021 07:36

@Youseethethingis

Being a SM isn't easy, I know from personal experience, but you are a fully grown adult and had a choice about being in your DSC lives - they didn't get that choice My DS didn't choose to by in my life either. He was born of me and that's that. When he's 9, he won't be just deciding to be at home without his parents to make up for the fact he didn't chose to be born.

And for all saying they don't want to be seen/called SM/SPs: Its simple, if you do not want to parent SC then do not marry or get into a serious relationship with someone who already has children. Don't force innocent children to have to put up with a toxic atmosphere as part of their right to maintain a loving relationship with their NRP
My DH told me before we were even engaged that he didn't see me as a SM, didn't think it was necessary to go there, as DSD gets more than enough mothering from her actual mother. Trust me, there's nothing toxic in not pretending to be child's new Mummy just because you married their dad. We all rub along quite nicely. DSD is parented by her actual parents which seems to be suiting her quite well.
How sad for you that you think honesty and taking responsibility for one's own children makes a toxic environment for a child.

It's early in the morning so I will assume your common sense has not kicked in yet... Hmm

The DSD isn't choosing to be home alone; he is choosing to come over when either his father or SM will be home to look after him alongside his sibling.

And I maintain that it's toxic not to treat a SC as your own when you came after those children; so do stop foolishly twisting my words.

Walkingalot · 07/09/2021 07:38

You've just had your PFB and soon going back to work - that's enough to be getting on with without the added responsibility of looking after DSC.
DSC probably thinks he'll be seeing his friend every time he visits so you could potentially have 2 extra kids in the house and all that entails.
You need time to adjust to your own new circumstances before even considering taking on anything else. I'm surprised your DH hasn't even thought of that.

billy1966 · 07/09/2021 07:47

He got some deal in you OP.

Minds HIS children
Does everything at home
Minds his baby with you
You carry the costs with YOUR job.

Now he wants to add the load of extra au pair duties.

He must be some looker to have sucked you into such a deal where EVERYTHING is about him.

You sound very naive.
Is he much older than you?
These days that need au pairs for there kids and skivvys for the house usually target younger naive women with a low bar.

You need to wake up and protect yourself, your career and your future.

Women like you get tired eventually of being used and want out.
Flowers

bigbaggyeyes · 07/09/2021 07:49

The child, in these circumstances, has 2 parents, a mother and a father. The OP is an adult role model for him, but she's not the parent, she will have a different relationship with the child. Just because it's not a parental role doesn't make it toxic, it simply makes it's different. She lives with the child's father, which means that he is responsible for the child's parenting whilst he's at his fathers house. The OP is there as an adult and a role model, for want of a better word, but she's not the parent. If the child wants to spend more time with his father, then his father needs to be around more to parent his child, just because the op is another adult in the house doesn't mean she's there to parent the child, the same way I'd not parent my friends dc if I was visiting. I'd help out and be a responsible adult, but I'd not take on a parental role, or fill the gap to allow the other adult to work. If he needs childcare to work then he arranges it the same as any other parent.

The op has never said she doesn't like the dc or that she begrudges them living there, she's simply not stepping in when it's his father that should be stepping up.

Youseethethingis · 07/09/2021 07:51

The DSD isn't choosing to be home alone; he is choosing to come over when either his father or SM will be home to look after him alongside his sibling
You are assuming the SM will be at home, ready and willing to facilitate this. She doesn't have to be if she doesn't want to be, she does have choices.

And I maintain that it's toxic not to treat a SC as your own when you came after those children; so do stop foolishly twisting my words
I maintain that it is foolish to treat a SC as your own when the laws of the land say they are nothing to do with you. My DHs new daddy disappeared in a puff of smoke when the relationship with his mum broke up. DH was distraught.
Toxic to try to force a lie on a child. Toxic to take away another adults right to decide what goes on in their own life. Toxic to make out the woman always has to take on the work and responsibiliy to make the man's life easier.
I don't think I'm the fool.

Clymene · 07/09/2021 07:57

The OP has merely said she wants her husband to be there when his children visit their home. Some people are acting like she's the wicked witch for imposing a perfectly normal and reasonable condition on her husband.