To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@Waspsarearseholes
Working is part of parenting. And it doesn’t matter if man or not, I said early on I was the one with the long hours job when the DC were little. You saying I did “fuck all”? Yeah you’re showing your privilege there, not all of us get to play house.[/quote]
Working all hours, spending no time with your kids, and piling everything onto your wife who also works instead, whilst also randomly agreeing your other kids can come more when you won't even be there expecting your wife to suck it up, is not good parenting imo. And it's not being a good spouse either.

OP has made it very clear this is an ongoing issue in their relationship and there is more to it than just this one problem. She obviously feels taken advantage of in multiple ways. I know you're desperate to place blame anywhere but on the hard working "bread winning" (OP never said that) bloke but this should absolutely not be like this.

Just because you go out to work doesn't automatically mean you're pulling your weight.

but likewise I'll never understand why step mothers come on here apparently expecting their life to be as if they hadn't married a person with children

And I'll never understand poster's on this forum. So, so quick to talk about how men should be doing equal parenting, pulling their weight at home, caring for the kids, not treating his wife like a skivvy, cries of LTB left right and centre for situations exactly like this but yet the minute we're talking about a step mother, a working step mother with her own DC, she should just suck it up and he's being responsible providing for his kids and it's all her fault for marrying him in the first place. It's a joke, the double standards are breath taking.

I don't know what it is, whether it's a biological thing or what, maybe people are scared about their own children having a SM and lash out or something, but it's a real downfall to the usually sensible and helpful advice and conversation on MN. It's one of the few topics where you seem to see women almost gleeful at tearing other women down and expecting more of them than they would anyone else in any other situation. And it's one of the few topics which really highlights for me how far we have to come in how we see women's roles and men's roles. Women are default childcare providers and houseworkers whilst it's totally fine for men to be out all hours never seeing their kids or helping at home and she just has to deal with it. No where else on this forum would that be acceptable.

As soon as a SC is involved that's it, you're allowed no autonomy over your life, your home, your time, your decisions, you are required to suck up whatever your partner, their ex and the DC decide they want to do and if you dare to complain well then you're just the daft mare who married someone with kids, what did you expect?

Honestly in what other scenario would anyone here find it acceptable for a husband to just decide that his wife is doing X and Y on these particular days and that's it, she just needs to suck it up. Tell me one?

Telling someone they should just suck up being dictated to is appalling and unacceptable in any scenario. She is not a servant there to facilitate whatever her husband, his ex and yes even the child, wants.

Maybe her husband should just suck it up that he's got kids so can't work until 8pm every night.

‘And for those asking, no he isn't raking it in. The business is young so there is potential there I'm sure bit it's my job that has supported and continues to support us through the whole thing. I know that doesn't fit with PPs 'big breadwinning man' narrative though’

So your DH is expecting you to take on additional responsibility of your SC by yourself (would be okay I suppose if they could get themselves from school and were teenagers) as well as looking after your shared DC all week by yourself, supporting the family by being the breadwinner and also supporting him starting his business by supporting the family financially and physically during that and I’m guessing doing most of the wife work at weekends too and people think you should be doing more? What? 🤯

YANBU OP.

Your husband is building up an embryonic new business
You have your hands full with a baby and are soon to return to work
The overall family income is dependent on you successfully doing and retaining your role when you return to work.
You do not wish to create additional commitments which you cannot personally commit to. You know that if things continue as they are you will largely be a single parent Mon-Fri which with a job is enough for you.

It's not a No, but it's a Not right now. When his father can spare more time in the evenings without it also impacting his time with his older children at the weekends then it can be discussed and reconsidered. As it stands it sounds like he doesn't see much of his third child who should take some priority on his time too.

You're not unreasonable at all. If he wants to see more of his children he needs to make it work. What can he ringfence from half term in October for example?

Sounds like your DH's business is more of a 'hobby' business than anything else if it doesn't support the family.

Most women in this position manage to run their businesses in their spare time in between doing the lion's share of the childcare and chores at home so the main breadwinner can focus on their job.

Food for thought. If you had wanted to set up a new business which required you to work very long hours but didn't bring much money in, would your husband have supported you in this by taking on 90% of the chores and childcare on top of his day job? Or would you have been doing it in your spare time while your baby napped?

Poor children. Suffering as a result of a broken family.

It’s reasonable that dad is there when he’s coming for contact. There was a poster recently leaving her DH and it was all a mess as the step children wanted to go with her as she had been their carer not the dad. She was happy to see them but her being expected to be primary carer wasn’t working. Another one on here recently where the dad arranged a sleepover with his children’s friends and just expected stepmum to mind all 4 kids (plus her own baby) without asking - he was working. I think a lot of men just assume new wife will automatically mind kids same way old wife did.

@FranklinFluffy

There is a lot of middle ground in between 'she should suck it up and do everything her husband says' and thinking you can live your life and plan your week as though your husband's children (& your own baby's siblings) don't exist.

They are a family- they should look at everyone's needs and capacity to pitch in and make a decision that takes them all into account.

The 'your child - your responsibility- I won't have him in the house unless you're here' attitude is just selfish.

If he wants his children to be in his care more often then he needs to be there to provide that care for them. He needs to speak to his employer about flexible working hours or tell his children that he cannot look after them while he is working.

The 'your child - your responsibility- I won't have him in the house unless you're here' attitude is just selfish
Or realistic and honest? Any more selfish than any snash OP might get from her DH for not jumping up and down with glee at the idea of more work and responsibility being transferred from her husband to her?
The child won't suffer unless some clown tells him "your wicked step mother just didn't want you there". He will either be with his mother or his father, not wandering the streets looking for a safe haven.

OP, I'm a mum not a SM, but I'm 100% behind you on this. I'm a parent to 2DC and my exH is their other parent. Despite us both being with new partners for years, they aren't equal parents as have not legally adopted DCs and therefore are not expected to regularly take full responsibility for DCs.

I'd be upfront and explain that as a SM you'll support DH being a parent, but not take over his parenting responsibilities.

He can come as much as he wants as long as his father is there. Surely that’s the answer?

Yes you might mind him for a few mins if his dad pops to the shops or for a run or something, but basically his son is there to see him, not you.

I’m not a SM btw, but my kids have a SM. Just seems like common sense to me that however well you get on with the kids, is their dad they’re there to spend time with.

We’d make it work if that’s what SC wanted. Work hours are one of the things that need to be continually reviewed in a family, as children need more or less support at different times.

I don’t think it was unreasonable for PP to think your husband was the ‘big breadwinning man’ as you put it, I’m sure you realise it’s unusual for the family breadwinner to only work 10-1630 as you do.

Also fascinated by the PP who ‘wouldn’t allow’ her partner to ‘dump’ things on her……why are you married to someone who would do this?

Basically - if your husbands taking the piss then don’t do it, and instead spend the time working out how you ended up marrying and having a child with someone who takes the piss, and what you’re doing to do about it. If he’s not, work out how to make it happen.

Even in a marriage where all children are children of the couple no partner should be making a commitment for their partners time without consulting. If I wanted to sign ds up for Thursday night football with dh taking him, I’d check with dh first. And he wouldn’t sign me up to any extra commitment- if he takes on a commitment it’s his unless I agree. It’s called having some respect!
I think it’s a flat no op and a wider discussion about his contribution. Don’t say yes if you come home as then he will push back on the other things then as he’s stepped up already . You could point out (loudly if it were me) that he hasn’t offered to take any load off you - he could say he’ll do overnights with baby one night, or mornign wake ups two mornings or cook dinner on the weekend for Tuesday’s or do two loads of washing on Monday nights, but instead he’s treating you as the cart horse he can keep piling things on. Warn him he may lose your support for his business when you are back at work if he’s not pulling his weight.

Surely he won't be playing out after school when it's dark earlier? In which case it makes looking after dss harder.

As for the people trying to pull the "I'm more experienced than you and looking after a 9yo is piss easy " card- you don't know the 9 year old! Maybe he's the type to be in and out the house because he's been getting into arguments with the other children. If it's raining or dark early on so he's stuck at home, maybe he's the type of kid to endlessly whinge about being bored? In which case having Dad around yo entertain him makes sense.

Saying yes to increased contact as long as dad is there is a reasonable compromise. If he wants to be the hero and make this happen do dss can play he can do the slog too.

Yabu. It's his home too. Thrash it out with his dad if you want him to pull his weight more childcare wise but you don't get to refuse the child coming. He is part of the family as much as you are. If you dont like it then why marry a father?

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yabu. It's his home too. Thrash it out with his dad if you want him to pull his weight more childcare wise but you don't get to refuse the child coming. He is part of the family as much as you are. If you dont like it then why marry a father?

If you’re a father then why not proactively make sure you’re home more? It’s not parenting when you expect a woman not the child’s mum to do it all. Doesn’t sound like he sees his baby either.

I agree with PPs who say that the OPs view of her DSDs is sad.

@ReturnOfThePedi Is it fair for you to be left to do the majority of parenting? Probably not if that is not a prior agreement with your DH. But that would be the case even with your own DC and something you should address directly with your DH if you are not happy with the current working arrangements, regardless of DSS recent request to increase his time in your shared home with his father.

To simply say you're not responsible for DSC that were a part of your DHs life before you were, is unrealistic.

Being a SM isn't easy, I know from personal experience, but you are a fully grown adult and had a choice about being in your DSC lives - they didn't get that choice!

As you chose to insert yourself into their lives then actually yes I think you do have some responsibility towards them - whether you like it or not. The choice you had and the fairest thing for everyone would have been to walk away from the relationship earlier if you couldn't or wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of existing children in your DHs life.

And for all saying they don't want to be seen/called SM/SPs: Its simple, if you do not want to parent SC then do not marry or get into a serious relationship with someone who already has children. Don't force innocent children to have to put up with a toxic atmosphere as part of their right to maintain a loving relationship with their NRP.

Another thread which should be read by any woman anticipating marrying a man with children.

Wow I am actually surprised here. I’m a step mum and I’ve never concerned myself unpaid childcare or free babysitter or any other weird phrase used on here in regards to my DSC. I’m their step mum and when I got into a relationship and married their father I agreed to that commitment to his children too. Yes they aren’t my children but I wouldn’t ever resent looking after them as if they were my own as they are family and and want to do all I can to make them feel included as such. As SM I want to promote and facilitate their relationship with their father and within their (albeit second) home. Perhaps that makes me a door mat but I actually can’t believe looking after your husbands child for a few hours once a week whilst he is working (it’s not like he is out partying) is something you’d have to think about

The reality is that you have a small baby and your going back to work shortly. The income you earn from this is probably keeping the bills paid for your house hold and possibly helping to pay the maintenance for your 2 step children. Your husband has chosen to become self employed and is working long hours Mon to Fri. As a result your doing everything during the week and you have his children every week.
If you're husband wants his son around another afternoon and night he needs to be at home.
I watched several people set up their own business. They worked long hours to get the business up and running but knew that it was important to take on extra staff and train them. They realised they needed to be in a position to finish work early the odd evening and take holidays especially when they had young families. Their other haves to curtail their lives for a few years doing all household and children minding when they worked long hours so the the other haves needed their time back

he isn't raking it in. The business is young so there is potential there I'm sure but it's my job that has supported and continues to support us through the whole thing

Quite. And while you're doing this you are unable to focus on your career, while his entire focus is on building his business. Which may or may not prove to be successful. At some point in the future, if at all.

Some of the attitudes expressed on this thread - by women! - take me back to the 60s. Why is absolutely fine for a man to neglect his child while he single-mindedly builds his business, while his wife juggles more plates than an artist in a circus?

I believe around 50% of marriages end in divorce. 2nd marriages and unmarried are even more likely to split up. I wish more women bore this in mind and prepared for this eventuality by focusing on their careers as much as their partners focus on theirs.