To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Yabu. It's his home too. Thrash it out with his dad if you want him to pull his weight more childcare wise but you don't get to refuse the child coming. He is part of the family as much as you are. If you dont like it then why marry a father?

Of course you can. I refuse my own child going to my house when I'm not there. It doesn't mean it's not their home, just that they aren't old enough to be in it without childcare. It's completely normal. Children don't get to unilaterally decide where they are going to be and when.

YANBU. DH's son wants to come and stay more often, so DH needs to be the one to take a hit on his work hours and pick up the additional chores that creates.

Surely finishing at school-end time one day a week isn't going to cripple his business? (it might be less convenient, but we all make sacrifices for our children... or is that only women?)

it might be less convenient, but we all make sacrifices for our children... or is that only women?

It seems a lot of PPs think it's only women who should do this, for their own DC and for their partners too considering everyone has spent the entire thread arguing about whether or not OP should be the one to do this rather than agreeing that the best solution would be for the child's parent to work out their hours so they can be around more.

The whole "it's fine because step mum is in the house" argument doesn't take into account that maybe she doesn't want to be! Maybe she wants to go to a friend's, her parents, the gym, for a walk and so on... You can't just decide that someone is staying in to mind your kid whenever they decide.

What happens if DSS wants to be there every day? OP just has to stay at home all week because heaven forbid he ever not be able to be in his home.

It's fine for a step parent to offer but people act like they should have absolutely no choice. It's rubbish.

I'd be really annoyed in this situation of already feeling used and then being basically told that I was now doing this and I had no choice and my husband wasn't going to change a single thing about his life to accommodate it because I would be.

@ReturnOfThePedi

DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

Hi OP. Has this conversation taken place yet? If so, what was the outcome? 🌹

and thinking you can live your life and plan your week as though your husband's children (& your own baby's siblings) don't exist

I disagree. I think there are elements where of course your DSC need to be considered and you can't just plan your life as though they didn't exist.

The problem here is people expect the OP to do more than the child's own parent and that is not right. OP should have more freedom to plan her week without having to consider what her DSC are doing than their own Dad can. However he is being allowed to do what he likes, not change anything, not consider the needs of his DC at all (let's face it, they'd likely prefer him to be there not his wife) while OP is being chastised for not considering them enough or planning her week around them enough.

It's laughable what people allow men, especially when their wives are "SM's" to get away with.

And I absolutely can plan my week how I like.

My Mum has my DC on a Wednesday and Friday evening so I can go to the gym. I have planned that for my DC so I can go and do that.

Absolutely no way would I then just accept that my DSC would now be coming on a Wednesday and Friday and instead of DH sorting something out like I have for our DC, I'd just be being at home instead because I'm apparently not allowed to plan my own week.

People act like it's absolutely criminal to say no to a child as well.

"I want to stay at Dad's tonight because I want to play out with Charlie" - sorry he's working so you can't tonight. It's not the end of the world. Same way my DSC wanted to go to their Mum's the other week but she was out for meal so they couldn't, should she have come home?

I don't know about anyone elses kids but my DC don't just get to decide when and where they are going to be all the time.

and thinking you can live your life and plan your week as though your husband's children (& your own baby's siblings) don't exist

Well isn't that what the DP and actual parent to the kids is doing? And leaving the actual grunt work to OP?

@billy1966

He got some deal in you OP.

Minds HIS children
Does everything at home
Minds his baby with you
You carry the costs with YOUR job.

Now he wants to add the load of extra au pair duties.

He must be some looker to have sucked you into such a deal where EVERYTHING is about him.

You sound very naive.
Is he much older than you?
These days that need au pairs for there kids and skivvys for the house usually target younger naive women with a low bar.

You need to wake up and protect yourself, your career and your future.

Women like you get tired eventually of being used and want out.

Oh my word - what a dreadful post! A complete insult to any woman who has fallen in love with a man who has children already………

When I married my wonderful man (a widower with 2 young boys), there was no expectation that I would be able to work as well, being divorced with 3 young children. My ex played no part in their lives, and I never received a single penny from him.
The financial burden would have fallen completely on my new DH, but he was a wonderful man, kind and caring, and we were joint parents to all 5.
However, I did work, as I knew it would provide us all with a better life. And I did everything ‘indoors’, if you like. My DH was equally hard working, could fix everything from the car to the washing machine, built onto the house, landscaped the garden…….
Did either of us consider ourselves a ‘skivvy’?
Of course not. We were a family. A blended family. We did everything we possibly could to provide a loving home, and good food on the table, in whatever role was required.

Maybe our situation was unusual, but I am sure many would also say that’s just family life.

What's so shocking about the post sotired? If your husband doesn't treat you like a maid then great. It doesn't mean OPs doesn't.

I also, and maybe this is just me, find comparing DSC who have two involved parents with DSC who have only one a bit like apples and pears.

If my DSC didn't have a mother I'd have expected when I met DH that I would need to have much more involvement as he was parenting alone.

This husband is only expected to parent for a very short period of the week, it's not "working as a team" to do it all for him, he's barely doing it as it is! Very different to your husband who was doing all parenting alone.

Wow, isn't it the parents who should be planning their lives around their children? Not people who don't even have parental responsibility.

The OP's husband can take a break from earning sweet fa and be there for his kids instead.

I also love how if this was the ex posting saying that her children's father only had the DC at the weekend because he's too busy working there would be absolutely no question that he was unreasonable. There would be none of these BS arguments that he's being responsible and providing for his children and so on...

You haven't read the OP's posts properly @sotiredofthislonelylife. She is financing her husband's nascent business. So there is very much the expectation that she works. If she doesn't go back to work after her mat leave, they have no income.

And these children have a mother who they live with most of the time. So even fewer parallels to draw between the OP's life and yours.

When I married my wonderful man (a widower with 2 young boys), there was no expectation that I would be able to work as well, being divorced with 3 young children. My ex played no part in their lives, and I never received a single penny from him.
The financial burden would have fallen completely on my new DH, but he was a wonderful man, kind and caring, and we were joint parents to all 5.
However, I did work, as I knew it would provide us all with a better life. And I did everything ‘indoors’, if you like. My DH was equally hard working, could fix everything from the car to the washing machine, built onto the house, landscaped the garden…….
Did either of us consider ourselves a ‘skivvy’?
Of course not. We were a family. A blended family. We did everything we possibly could to provide a loving home, and good food on the table, in whatever role was required

And that wonderful you have a 'partnership' however that isn't what the op has. The op has already said she works and does the vast majority of life work and parenting already.

I'd completely agree with you if you both put in equal amounts, but this isn't the case. The op has already stated that her dh would likely put all the parenting of his dc onto her, whilst she does the lions share already. She also works as does her dh, the difference is he doesn't pull his weight outside of his business

The clue is in the term step-parent. If you don't want to parent don't marry someone with children. It's not rocket science.

It's not a gender thing. I'd say the same if it was the woman working and a man being left with the childcare.

@Willyoujustbequiet

The clue is in the term step-parent. If you don't want to parent don't marry someone with children. It's not rocket science.

It's not a gender thing. I'd say the same if it was the woman working and a man being left with the childcare.

So do you think it's reasonable that this mans ex, the DSCs mother currently has them 5 days a week while he's far too busy working as well?

Or is it only a woman's problem when it's the SM?

@WinTheNight

I don’t think you’ve answered why he doesn’t have 50/50 contact, unless I’ve missed it? And is it every weekend or every other he sees his children?

The OP (of any thread isn't obliged to answer any question put to them. Why that is the arrangement has nothing to do with the thread. That's the arrangement agreed by the parents of the child snd is FAR more common than 50/50 there is also much debate re 50/50 not being good for children anyway.

What if the actual parents, the child and you don't want you to do any proper parenting? I married my husband, not his child. Should I be riding roughshod over everyone's feelings because some poster on MN thinks that I should be another mother to the child whether they want it or not?

@sotiredofthislonelylife

Did you READ the OP's posts at all.

She was a single, childless woman.
He has two children and an ex who is very much alive.

How on earth can you compare a widowed man with children and a divorced woman with 3 children?

The OP now has a SHARED child with him but is also carrying all the responsibilities of the home, childcare of their baby, AND paying the bills to support them both as he tries his hand at running a so far financially unsuccessful business.

He NOW wants his child to be able to come and stay whenever he likes, when HE is not available to look after him, and hand this further responsibility on to a woman who is already doing and paying for far too much.

How in all honesty you can make such a 100% unrelated comparison to your situation is beyond me.

I repeat, I think the OP is being massively taken for granted by her husband, and treated like a skivvy/au pair while paying for the privilege.

She posted because the penny is beginning to drop that he thinks she is dim and a mug.

Which she is to be putting up with this.

I think it’s just a bit sad that no-one mentions ‘doing things to make life easier for each other’. If someone was starting up a business in the hope of creating a better life for their family, and you loved and respected them enough to get married, then surely you would want to support them in any way you could?
If that meant taking on all the child care, working to support joint ambitions and pay the bills, then so be it.
Of course every family dynamic is different.
Of course a discussion on expected roles is necessary before you make a decision to marry anyone, but even more so when children are involved.

If the dh can take time off to be with his dc, great, if not, it's a no. Why is it always women who have to pick up the fucking slack.

I told my ds that a step mum is like an auntie, which is what I think is the right level of expectation.

It’s not their job to do the parenting, but they’re there as a loving presence. Obviously most aunties don’t live with their siblings but it was the best I could do!

@billy1966

Yes, I did read the OP, and most of the PP’s.
And yes, I did describe my life, which of course was very different to the OP’s, as are ALL our lives.
I guess some people just expect their roles to be mapped out on a spreadsheet of ‘fairness’.

You're being totally fair OP.

@WingingItEveryDay7

I find it really fascinating reading these types of threads. I was the step child and sometimes my SM was left with me and my sister if our dad had to work an extra shift whilst we visited. She didn't seem to mind and took us and her DD out if that was what had been planned. I wonder now if she had these types of conversations and secretly hated having us in tow, I'd feel upset knowing that was the case. Yes, we were there to see our dad but realised that in order for him to afford for us to do stuff (and pay our mum maintenance etc) then he needed to work..... I'm not a SM but know plenty of family/friends who are and they generally love spending time with their SC. If you get into a relationship with someone with kids then you take them on too surely? Obviously you both need to discuss things rather than get told it's happening before it does. It's nice that your DSS wants to spend more time at your house, it shows its a happy place to be, he wouldn't want to visit if it wasn't, trust me!

Don't be upset or worried, I'm sure she didn't mind. Lots of us wouldn't in that situation.

Yes if you marry someone with children they need to be taken into consideration, but it doesn't mean the OP has to be the one to facilitate the 9yo to play with his friends after school, to her own detriment, while the actual parent just carries on as he was. Totally different if the child wants to be eith the patent, or even the step parent & baby, but that's not the case.

This is entirely different as the Dad is never there, it would be up to the OP to do school runs (when she doesn't currently have to be up & out with her baby) and school & nursery runs before work when she goes back)

Sort out a third type/timing for dinner (until the baby eats the same).

And be home & responsible for a 9 yo (that's not hers, which is a different kind of responsibility to your own child) playing out while sorting out the baby.

There's a reason why he has them every weekend & their mum has them in the week.

He just wants to say 'yes son you can come to Daddy's anytime you want' without actually being the one to make any changes & just expect his wife to take on the extra work & responsibility. Plus obviously curtail HER time by having to be at home.

I'm all for having the SC when they want to come, but not in this way.