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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come more often?

353 replies

ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 18:35

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 22:07

Can you imagine one day your baby being told can't stay at his dad's because the next wife doesn't want him there

It's nothing to do with not wanting him here, if his Dad his here he can be here how ever much he wants.

And if my baby wanted to stay at his dad's I'd expect his parent to be there at that age, not at work leaving him with his wife all the time otherwise I'd be telling him it's not feasible for him to be at his dad's. Same way he can't be here if I'm not in, same way he couldn't just go to his grans whenever he fancies etc... there has to actually be a parent there to care for him or someone who is willing to do it. He wouldn't just get to decide where he goes at 9 years old and whoever happens to be in the house just has to deal with it. He's a child, this is his home yes. Our home is our babies home, it doesn't mean they can just be in it whenever, they need someone there to care for them still.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/09/2021 22:07

YANBU, you aren't preventing them from coming you're just saying that their dad has to be there. Which is quite right, they are his children

ittakes2 · 06/09/2021 22:08

You have asked if you are being unreasonable...but you have spent the whole thread arguing you are not being unreasonable so I am not sure why you bothered posting since you already made a decision.

Honeyroar · 06/09/2021 22:15

I’m a step mum. I frequently looked after my stepson without his dad present, did school runs etc. Not because my husband’s job was more important, but because we are a team and sometimes I had more time to do things. Other times my husband looked after my horses when I was at work. We are a team. We don’t have set individual responsibilities. I feel sorry for your step child. Only welcome at his dad’s house if his dad is around.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 22:16

there has to actually be a parent there to care for him or someone who is willing to do it.

I agree with this, I just think it is sad you, his stepmum, are so unwilling to do it at all. Not even for a few hours once a week. Poor kid.

mouldypears · 06/09/2021 22:17

You need to make money to raise them and help them get a good start in life

I have tried and failed to understand what in the name of fuck this has to do with the OP looking after her DP's kid whilst he's at work.

Paq · 06/09/2021 22:23

YANBU OP. Your DH needs to cut back on work to see more of all three of his children. You are doing more than your fair share atm.

Clymene · 06/09/2021 22:24

@PlanDeRaccordement

there has to actually be a parent there to care for him or someone who is willing to do it.

I agree with this, I just think it is sad you, his stepmum, are so unwilling to do it at all. Not even for a few hours once a week. Poor kid.

I just think it's sad that you berate women for not looking after another woman's children and yet here we are.
Goldbar · 06/09/2021 22:26

Part of the problem seems to be that the OP's husband isn't necessarily acknowledging that the OP would be doing him a huge favour by looking after DSS, one that he should reciprocate by making more time to help her with things when he can. Instead, he seems to view domestic stuff like chores and childcare during the week as being her "sphere", rather than accepting that she is carrying a disproportionate share of the domestic drudgery and enabling him to do what he does.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 22:28

@Clymene
Well it is AIBU, and I’m just saying she is BU in my opinion to treat her (not so dear) step son in such a way.

MissyMooKins · 06/09/2021 22:30

Yanbu. They are your partners kids not yours if they are there he should be too, to look after them. Or if you are offering a free babysitting service can you have mine please 😆

Original poster
ReturnOfThePedi · 06/09/2021 22:31

@Goldbar

Part of the problem seems to be that the OP's husband isn't necessarily acknowledging that the OP would be doing him a huge favour by looking after DSS, one that he should reciprocate by making more time to help her with things when he can. Instead, he seems to view domestic stuff like chores and childcare during the week as being her "sphere", rather than accepting that she is carrying a disproportionate share of the domestic drudgery and enabling him to do what he does.
Yes this is definitely part of the problem. I strongly suspect it would just become another thing I'm responsible for sorting. It's a real issue for me at the moment.

And for those asking, no he isn't raking it in. The business is young so there is potential there I'm sure bit it's my job that has supported and continues to support us through the whole thing. I know that doesn't fit with PPs 'big breadwinning man' narrative though.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 22:31

@Goldbar

Part of the problem seems to be that the OP's husband isn't necessarily acknowledging that the OP would be doing him a huge favour by looking after DSS, one that he should reciprocate by making more time to help her with things when he can. Instead, he seems to view domestic stuff like chores and childcare during the week as being her "sphere", rather than accepting that she is carrying a disproportionate share of the domestic drudgery and enabling him to do what he does.
But OPs DH is doing a disproportionately higher amount of the paid work drudgery. He works from “early to 8pm”..so 12hrs days or so. While OP only works part time, so of course she should do more domestic work.
MissyMooKins · 06/09/2021 22:31

I have 2 step children and they have 2 parents I'm not the babysitter.

RedHelenB · 06/09/2021 22:35

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
I agree.
sotiredofthislonelylife · 06/09/2021 22:39

@Honeyroar

I’m a step mum. I frequently looked after my stepson without his dad present, did school runs etc. Not because my husband’s job was more important, but because we are a team and sometimes I had more time to do things. Other times my husband looked after my horses when I was at work. We are a team. We don’t have set individual responsibilities. I feel sorry for your step child. Only welcome at his dad’s house if his dad is around.
I wholeheartedly agree!
FranklinFluffy · 06/09/2021 22:39

I'm confused, those saying "it's his home he can come whenever he likes", do you just let your small children stay in your house whenever they like? It's their home after all.

Or, like most responsible parents, do you ensure that you are actually in it before they are able to be as well?

I can't ever imagine expecting another person to just suck it up that they'll have to stay in and care for my kid because they want to be in my house when I'm not there Confused

So OP gets no say in this, she can't decide she wants to meet friends that evening, she can't just go to her mum's for tea, she can't go to the gym or anything because someone else has decided she is going to stay home to care for their child? Get real.

jeaux90 · 06/09/2021 22:41

Why the hell should she suck it up? What is this the 50's?

OP you have your own DC and I would not want to be tied down to any additional commitment that is his responsibility.

As you said it's fine to do it occasionally and my OH has offered to take care of my DD occasionally but I would never expect it of him no.

Sounds like it's a good opportunity to try and even things out a bit to me

FranklinFluffy · 06/09/2021 22:41

The whole "it's their home they can come whenever" argument is forgetting that by allowing that you are expecting someone else to literally stay in the house when they perhaps do not want to.

I would be so pissed off to be basically informed that my time was now not my own to do with what I wanted on X and Y day because a 9 year old is being allowed to dictate where they stay and when. Fuck that.

Goldbar · 06/09/2021 22:42

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!

The OP has said that DSS can spend as much time as he likes there so long as his dad is there to look after him.

"Mi casa es tu casa" is all very well, but what happens if the OP wants to go to a doctor's appointment, visit a friend or do something else when DSS is there? She can't just leave him in the house on his own and 9yos can't be schlepped around in the same way that babies can.

Waspsarearseholes · 06/09/2021 22:51

@PlanDeRaccordement

there has to actually be a parent there to care for him or someone who is willing to do it.

I agree with this, I just think it is sad you, his stepmum, are so unwilling to do it at all. Not even for a few hours once a week. Poor kid.

Don't you think it's sad that the child's actual parent is unwilling to do this? The one you have decided must be the breadwinner and allowed to do fuck all parenting because he's a man? You are so full of shite, it's embarrassing.
Plumtree391 · 06/09/2021 22:54

If it was only once a week, I expect the op would be OK with that. The dad will eventually be coming home after all, even if late.

kb16 · 06/09/2021 22:59

@AuntMargo

Honestly some of you on here are horrible. You married his father, they are his children, his home is their home if he wants to stay full time suck it up!
Absolutely agree with this
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/09/2021 23:06

@Waspsarearseholes
Working is part of parenting. And it doesn’t matter if man or not, I said early on I was the one with the long hours job when the DC were little. You saying I did “fuck all”? Yeah you’re showing your privilege there, not all of us get to play house.

DifferentHair · 06/09/2021 23:07

Your DH could hire a babysitter to cover the time until he gets home.

I agree you shouldn't be dumped with all the additional childcare but likewise I'll never understand why step mothers come on here apparently expecting their life to be as if they hadn't married a person with children.

It's a family, you don't get to have the PFB experience when you marry a man with children. If you're home with a baby I think it's reasonable for a 9 year old to be there. I would ask his dad to prep meals etc.

Also what seems to be lost in this discussion is the chance for the boy to spend time with his baby sibling. Contact isn't just contact with dad anymore.

I think there are solutions to be found but you need to approach it as a family. Not just fold your arms and say 'he's your responsibility'