To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

and it is highly unusual (though not impossible) that a person working from 10:00-4:30 is the main breadwinner irrespective of gender.

It depends though doesn't it. When I worked part time I earned something like £24k. It may not sound like a lot but if my husband was starting a yet to be successful business it would make me the breadwinner. The fact she's "part time" (and it's not HUGELY part time), is irrelevant if her husband is not bringing in much money.

Either OP and DH are a team raising all their children as equal family members or they are not a team

Does her husband sound like he's part of a team to you? Usually being part of a team isn't leaving everything to one person whilst you go about yourself unaffected. That's the opposite of being a team.

Why is all the teamwork expected of OP and not her husband?

It is both selfish and unreasonable to use children and their needs as pawns in power plays between parents
If this is truly what you think is going on here, you are making yourself look ridiculous.

@FranklinFluffy

Why is all the teamwork expected of OP and not her husband?

It’s not. You’re just saying that to be argumentative. Team work usually involves different roles for different members of a team. It’s never we all do the same amounts of the same things, not even on a football team.

@FranklinFluffy

Either OP and DH are a team raising all their children as equal family members or they are not a team

Does her husband sound like he's part of a team to you? Usually being part of a team isn't leaving everything to one person whilst you go about yourself unaffected. That's the opposite of being a team.

Exaggeration. The DH isn’t leaving everything to the OP.

@PlanDeRaccordement wheres this teamwork exactly? Teamwork takes more than one- what’s his contribution? Is it spending 10 seconds on the phone to say of course he can come and another few minutes telling his partner that the man has spoken and she shall care for his child in between being the primary carer for their baby and the main breadwinner and the main housekeeper/cook? I don’t see teamwork, agree it would be nice to see some. Seeing some teamwork would involve him stepping up, op is doing enough.

@Youseethethingis

It is both selfish and unreasonable to use children and their needs as pawns in power plays between parents If this is truly what you think is going on here, you are making yourself look ridiculous.

No more ridiculous than all the posters acting like she’s being asked to do her husband a favour. She’s being asked to care for her step son. That is for the child, not for the child’s father.

It’s not. You’re just saying that to be argumentative. Team work usually involves different roles for different members of a team. It’s never we all do the same amounts of the same things, not even on a football team.

Your argument would have some merit if OP was a SAHP who had agreed that all childcare would fall to her whilst her husband brought in the money. Although I still don't think you should ever assume that agreement relieves actual parents of DSC from doing any parenting.

That's not the case though, what exactly is it you think this teamwork is? I'm not saying that to be argumentative I genuinely am perplexed at what you think about this situation is "teamwork"? OP works, earns more than her husband, looks after their DC all the time, does everything in the home, all whilst he's off chasing some dream of a business which isn't making them any profit. Please explain to me where the teamwork is?

I think of myself as part of DSDs team.
An unused sub except in times of need. Happy to warm the bench, cheer everyone on and step in if needed, but back on my bench again when the need has passed. Her parents are the ones on the pitch week in, week out. As it should be.

Exaggeration. The DH isn’t leaving everything to the OP.

What isn't he leaving to the OP? Have you even read the thread? Exactly what is he doing that OP isn't?

@PlanDeRaccordement
Exaggeration. The DH isn’t leaving everything to the OP.

If you read the op, that very first post, he’s … parenting his children and not a lot else.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

OP is supporting HIM in every single way. At home, with the DC, financially. Exactly what is it you think he isn't leaving to OP?

@FranklinFluffy

and it is highly unusual (though not impossible) that a person working from 10:00-4:30 is the main breadwinner irrespective of gender.

It depends though doesn't it. When I worked part time I earned something like £24k. It may not sound like a lot but if my husband was starting a yet to be successful business it would make me the breadwinner. The fact she's "part time" (and it's not HUGELY part time), is irrelevant if her husband is not bringing in much money.

Which is almost exactly what I went on to say. You're right that it can happen, but it is still unusual - so not sexist that people assumed he was breadwinner. But as you say, he is not, and that makes a big difference to the negotiation.

The fact she is part time is slightly relevant insofar as the child has repeatedly asked to come, and if he is told no, and knows that op is home, he is likely to feel unwelcome. That doesn't at all mean that OP should do it at all. But children do not understand the ins and outs of these things. And it may be how he takes it.

I WFH and my SDDs know this. If they asked to come over on a weekday and I said they couldn't because dad's at work, they would know that I was home and refusing to have them. And that would make them sad and unwelcome.

Again, doesn't mean OP should have to do it (she shouldn't) which is why I think her husband probably needs to abandon the business, parent his children, and pick starting a company back up when they are in senior school and able to fend for themselves.

[quote timeisnotaline]@PlanDeRaccordement wheres this teamwork exactly? Teamwork takes more than one- what’s his contribution? Is it spending 10 seconds on the phone to say of course he can come and another few minutes telling his partner that the man has spoken and she shall care for his child in between being the primary carer for their baby and the main breadwinner and the main housekeeper/cook? I don’t see teamwork, agree it would be nice to see some. Seeing some teamwork would involve him stepping up, op is doing enough.[/quote]
Are you joking? His contribution is that he works M-F from “early to 8pm” and then does housework and childcare when he is not working.
OP is currently SAHM to a 8mo old and as she’s not currently working, also does childcare and housework while at home.

Yes, she will be going back to work PT and at that point things will rebalance with potentially nursery for the baby and more joint housework on the weekends. But that is not NOW is it?

And watching a 9yr old a few hours once a week on an afternoon is hardly a big ask when you are already at home and not working. Yes things might have to be reassessed after she starts working again, but address it then. Don’t reject it out of hand with the rationale that it is “his” child and therefore nothing to do with you when you are supposedly a step mum.

We’ve helped other families out by letting their kid come home with ours after school until after dinner/evening when they were stuck at work. OP won’t even consider it once a week for family!

We’ve helped other families out by letting their kid come home with ours after school until after dinner/evening when they were stuck at work. OP won’t even consider it once a week for family
Presumably you get to decide whether to do this or not, and can stop any time? If OP has been around the SP board at all she will know that many a SM started doing a favour for now, it became an expectation, then when it gets too much and she tries to reallocate responsibility back to the parent merry hell breaks loose. Better just not to go there in the first place.

I WFH and my SDDs know this. If they asked to come over on a weekday and I said they couldn't because dad's at work, they would know that I was home and refusing to have them. And that would make them sad and unwelcome.

Surely you'd just explain you're working? No need for anyone to feel sad or unwelcome but just because your office happens to be at home doesn't mean anyone can just come round whenever they like, you're still working.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I don’t believe your response to my post bears any relevance at all to the point I was making.

His contribution is that he works M-F from “early to 8pm” and then does housework and childcare when he is not working

Are YOU joking? He doesn't bring in the money to justify doing this. I could stay in my office until 8pm every night, but if I'm not bringing in funds that justify taking no part in family life then I'm not contributing a fair share.

You think because he's prioritising his new business over his young family that he should be excused from contributing in any other way.

OP never said he comes home and does housework and parenting. She even said she's usually half way through putting the baby to bed when he gets home. All she said was he is there at the weekend when his kids come round, wow how amazing of him.

OP has made it crystal clear she feels taken advantage of already. He doesn't get to wash his hands of everything else because he has decided staying behind in his own business until 8pm is more important than his family.

I don't think OP has said anywhere 'his kid, his problem', but the child has two parents, whose responsibility he actually is. There is an existing contact schedule in place, which has presumably been agreed by the child's parents, based on what each can accommodate around working hours etc. So many posters saying to OP 'you're at home with the baby anyway' - what if she's not? What if she wants to go out for the day and not be constrained by school pickups and dropoffs? What if she wants to go and do an exercise class / go out with a friend and her mum/sister/friend looks after the baby - will that person have to babysit DSS too? What if DSS is ill on the day and can't go to school - does it become OP's problem to sort? So many things that need to be agreed upfront rather than her H just agreeing to this just because it's what his son wants.

The answer isn't the OP facilitating her DSSs wish to spend more time at their house - it's for his dad to solve, and to ask OP if she will help in very specific ways if he needs it (rather than just assuming she will shoulder all of the load), and accepting gracefully if she says no.

And she isn't a SAHM, she's on maternity leave it's not the same at all. You're being disingenuous to imply it is.

*Are you joking? His contribution is that he works M-F from “early to 8pm” and then does housework and childcare when he is not working.
OP is currently SAHM to a 8mo old and as she’s not currently working, also does childcare and housework while at home.

Yes, she will be going back to work PT and at that point things will rebalance with potentially nursery for the baby and more joint housework on the weekends. But that is not NOW is it?*

JFC you are so incredibly biased.

If he's not bringing in a lot of money then his long work hours are for himself, not "the team", in fact they lead to him helping less than he otherwise could if he got a normal job.

OP has said nothing about him doing housework, not sure where you're getting that from, and the baby is almost in bed when he gets home. She has said he makes himself available when DSC are there, so presumably his involvement with the kids is largely focused on just them. Not exactly team player of the century.

And watching a 9yr old a few hours once a week on an afternoon is hardly a big ask when you are already at home and not working.

Watching my 8 year old step son is incredibly draining. People don't want us to admit that because they are adamant children are only ever a joy to be around, but he's really hard work, so I will decide for myself whether it is a big ask. Also she's not just "not working", she is looking after the baby. That's not nothing.

Yes things might have to be reassessed after she starts working again, but address it then. Don’t reject it out of hand with the rationale that it is “his” child and therefore nothing to do with you when you are supposedly a step mum.

This is incredibly tiresome to have to say all the time but not providing childcare does not = nothing to do with you. She isn't "supposedly" a step mum, she is a step mum. Being a step mum doesn't mean being obliged to provide childcare.

We’ve helped other families out by letting their kid come home with ours after school until after dinner/evening when they were stuck at work. OP won’t even consider it once a week for family!

Seriously? "Won't even consider once a week"? Once a week is a large commitment. Would you help put other families by having their kids every week, rather than just when they are stuck at work? Would you judge other parents for saying no?

And she's also never said anything about it only being once a week. You've made that up too.

No more ridiculous than all the posters acting like she’s being asked to do her husband a favour. She’s being asked to care for her step son. That is for the child, not for the child’s father.

Good to know, I shall stop saying thankyou to people when they look after DD for me, now that I know that childcare is, in fact, just for the child, and not a favour to the parent.