To say he can't come more often?

[ReturnOfThePedi]

Unless DH sorts something with work which means he's around more.

I have two DSC, a DSD and a DSS.

They currently stay 2 nights a week but have been making sounds recently about wanting to come more often, especially DSS.

DH works long hours in his own business and often isn't home until gone 8pm, leaving in the early hours and sometimes staying away.

However he always makes sure he is available when DSC stay on Saturday and Sunday nights.

DSS wants to come more often (he some friends on our road which is probably a big factor), DH has been mentioning it and has asked if we can talk about it (their Mum has said it's okay if that's what he wants).

AIBU to say he absolutely can, providing DH makes sure he is around? The way it is at rhe moment if DSS stayed more in the week, DH would barely be here and it would be me doing everything. (He has just turned 9).

I work too but am currently off with our 8 month old however my work hours are set 10-4:30 so I'll be around more than DH in the evenings/morning even when I'm back in work.

The way DHs work is, I already end up with the huge majority of the load at home, frankly I don't want DSS added to that all week too.

All the people saying 9 year olds are not hard work and can do their own thing need to tell that to my 8 year old step son 🤣

My hopes are not high that he's going to reach that status in the remaining few months of development!

There is absolutely NO give and take in the OP's situation just give, give, give.

And take, take, take from her husband.
And he now just wants her on the clock with his kids WHENEVER they decide.

If the OP accepts this, she is an absolute bigger MUG.

There is NO way a step father would be working, taking care of the house, his child with his wife AND accepting that a 9 year old step child come and stay whenever they decided whilst its mother who did nothing for THEIR child, house, and was also being financially supported in their business.

Not a chance.

This is just bullshit that happens to women, always to women, because men have more cop on that to accept it.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I think it’s just a bit sad that no-one mentions ‘doing things to make life easier for each other’. If someone was starting up a business in the hope of creating a better life for their family, and you loved and respected them enough to get married, then surely you would want to support them in any way you could? If that meant taking on all the child care, working to support joint ambitions and pay the bills, then so be it. Of course every family dynamic is different. Of course a discussion on expected roles is necessary before you make a decision to marry anyone, but even more so when children are involved.

I think we just have different standards as to what's acceptable.

I wouldn't find it acceptable for my husband to essentially opt out of family and financial life to chase some dream and j wouldn't be guilted into accepting it because I should just be the little supportive wife and never expect anything back.

Chase dreams by all means, start a business, do what you want to do. But the man has children, he has to factor them in and whether what he is doing is viable considering he has a young family, if he didn't want to he shouldn't have had a family.

I'd love to go travelling the world, I can't just pack up tomorrow and expect my husband to take over everything else because he should support my dream. You do actually have to consider other people and not just expect endless support. No one forced this man to have a family.

@Honeyroar

I’m a step mum. I frequently looked after my stepson without his dad present, did school runs etc. Not because my husband’s job was more important, but because we are a team and sometimes I had more time to do things. Other times my husband looked after my horses when I was at work. We are a team. We don’t have set individual responsibilities. I feel sorry for your step child. Only welcome at his dad’s house if his dad is around.

The thing you're missing here is that you were a team, there was give & take between you. The OP's DH is all take, she is being expected to be all give. Not the same thing.

Sometimes we don't get to follow our dreams because we have bills to pay and children to look after.

Unless we can find some mug other person to shoulder our responsibilities for us.

So, I haven't RTFT but what I have got is this.
Some of you seem to think that OP dislikes the DSS. I haven't seen that at all.
With the best will in the world a small baby can be bloody hard work. OP may want to spend as much time as she can with just her baby before she goes back to work.
She has not said that she doesn't want the DSS there only that his father needs to do his SHARE when it comes to looking after him.
Understandably she wants to spend time with her husband and baby. Before I get shouted at I am aware that she knew he had children and would be working long hours. However both of the childs actual parents seem happy to just palm off the boy onto the Op.
Childcare may become cheaper for the mum. Also not having to worry about him for another day/night. Dad will just carry on as usual.
Who gets to actually parent this child ?
Oh yes, it's the OP.
OP, you lucky, lucky devil.
Honestly I really think that your DH needs to be there to look after his son.

💐

@sst1234

Poor children. Suffering as a result of a broken family.

Christ bring out the violins 🎻

The 9 yo wants to stay more often during the week so he can play with his mates in the street after school, he's not being locked in a cupboard under the stairs! Get a grip!

@DifferentHair

Your DH could hire a babysitter to cover the time until he gets home.

I agree you shouldn't be dumped with all the additional childcare but likewise I'll never understand why step mothers come on here apparently expecting their life to be as if they hadn't married a person with children.

It's a family, you don't get to have the PFB experience when you marry a man with children. If you're home with a baby I think it's reasonable for a 9 year old to be there. I would ask his dad to prep meals etc.

Also what seems to be lost in this discussion is the chance for the boy to spend time with his baby sibling. Contact isn't just contact with dad anymore.

I think there are solutions to be found but you need to approach it as a family. Not just fold your arms and say 'he's your responsibility'

Haha I think people on here would be horrified to know just how precious my PFB experience was, they are very invested in the idea that I must not have felt that joy 🤣

I don't expect my life to be exactly like I hadn't married someone with children. Instead, it involves me patiently standing by and witnessing him spending time with his son. It involves being confined to live in a certain place and not have the flexibility to do things that involve DP during his contact time with his son. That's it. It doesn't involve me taking on my DPs responsibilities to his son as my own, and never will, something that works perfectly fine because my DP does not have unreasonable expectations of me.

Yanbu - dss is not wanting to come for contact, he just wants to see his friend. So you're being asked to be the role of babysitter pretty much. With an 8month old in tow, I'd be saying no too.

Can't his mother set up a play date with the other kids mother? Yes it would be easier because your home is closer, but if dad isn't available then it falls on the mother to arrange.

Just another man volunteering the time of his partner.

Could he have less respect for the OP and all she does and pays for?

Of course not.

She's just another mug to be used.

He does very, very little children, that's why he feels it is so easy to have his partner with their new baby, 24 hours available to his son, while he is nowhere to be seen🙄.

I feel such pity for women like the OP, whose relationship bar is so low that they get sucked in by these divorced men looking for a childless mug to do the grunt work, that they have zero interest in doing.

That the OP finances HIS hobby job is a new one for me though!🙄

Hopefully this thread will help her wake up a bit to the "prize" she has hooked up with🙄

YANBU to say no but I agree with PP, it depends which role you wish to take, step mother or dad's dp.

Why do people say this like it's some kind of trump card? As if it's going to have us all scrambling to say "oh no, please, I desperately want to be a stepmother; when I got together with this man it was purely because I desperately wanted to be a mother to his kids that I hadn't met!!" Of course we primarily want to be Dad's DP. That's why we're there.

I think it's very telling that all the people who say "it's his home so he should be able to come and go whenever he likes or you're treating him like a guest" never have an actual response to the many people who have pointed out that actually all 9 year olds who still need looking after would have to be elsewhere if their parent wasn't there to look after them, or had arranged willing childcare.

I can only assume that the reason this very obvious logic does not compute to some people is because they cannot see past their belief that step parent = parent, but the truth is that is simply not the case and no amount of shouting into the wind will make it so.

@Youseethethingis

The DSD isn't choosing to be home alone; he is choosing to come over when either his father or SM will be home to look after him alongside his sibling You are assuming the SM will be at home, ready and willing to facilitate this. She doesn't have to be if she doesn't want to be, she does have choices.

And I maintain that it's toxic not to treat a SC as your own when you came after those children; so do stop foolishly twisting my words
I maintain that it is foolish to treat a SC as your own when the laws of the land say they are nothing to do with you. My DHs new daddy disappeared in a puff of smoke when the relationship with his mum broke up. DH was distraught.
Toxic to try to force a lie on a child. Toxic to take away another adults right to decide what goes on in their own life. Toxic to make out the woman always has to take on the work and responsibiliy to make the man's life easier.
I don't think I'm the fool.

Her choice should have been not to marry someone who already had DC if she didn't want to be a SM.

You sound lovely describing your DHs as 'nothing to do with you'. So what if your DSC are not legally your DC. You are emotionally involved in their lives by marrying their father. The laws of the land do not dictate the amount of love, warmth and caring an adult should show a child. A child that is part of the man you profess to love.

What part of being an active and caring SP involves telling lies? No one is claiming you becoming the actual mum - just a SM. An extra caring adult in the child's life. You do know that no child will be harmed from having too many adults to love them...

The situation you describe with your DH and his SP could just as easily happen with his actual parent leaving and not having anything to do with the DC after a marriage breakdown so I really fail to see your point. In fact, I haven't got any of the points you have made so maybe give it a rest instead of making yourself sound anymore foolish that you already have.

I also see that most people have made the assumption that the OP’s DH’s business is just a ‘hobby’, and is never going to be successful…….
Most entrepreneurs started out with an idea, and presumably relied on family support to enable it to succeed.
In the end, it’s totally the OP’s decision as to whether she steps up or not.
I know what I would have done.

Her choice should have been not to marry someone who already had DC if she didn't want to be a SM.

Are you a step parent yourself? You have an incredibly binary way of looking at this. She did "want to become a step parent", she just has a totally different an equally valid opinion to you as to what that entails.

You sound lovely describing your DHs as 'nothing to do with you'. So what if your DSC are not legally your DC. You are emotionally involved in their lives by marrying their father. The laws of the land do not dictate the amount of love, warmth and caring an adult should show a child. A child that is part of the man you profess to love.

You don't dictate that either. A child being part of someone you love brings no inherent obligation for childcare.

What part of being an active and caring SP involves telling lies? No one is claiming you becoming the actual mum - just a SM. An extra caring adult in the child's life. You do know that no child will be harmed from having too many adults to love them...

Only an actual mum has obligations to provide childcare for their children. So she is being "just a SM" - someone who knows them but does not have that responsibility. It's not just about whether the child would be harmed by it, often the step parent is harmed by the unreasonable expectation. I anticipate that you don't care about that but tough titties unfortunately, others do, and you aren't showering yourself in glory trying to act like any human being doesn't matter.

The situation you describe with your DH and his SP could just as easily happen with his actual parent leaving and not having anything to do with the DC after a marriage breakdown so I really fail to see your point. In fact, I haven't got any of the points you have made so maybe give it a rest instead of making yourself sound anymore foolish that you already have.

You're a fool if you think @Youseethethingis is the one sounding foolish. More than half the posters here agree with her. What an arrogant thing to say, you've almost got to admire the gall.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I also see that most people have made the assumption that the OP’s DH’s business is just a ‘hobby’, and is never going to be successful……. Most entrepreneurs started out with an idea, and presumably relied on family support to enable it to succeed. In the end, it’s totally the OP’s decision as to whether she steps up or not. I know what I would have done.

Nobody is saying it's never going to be successful, people have refuted the sexist assumption that he is currently the breadwinner and as such she owes him more favours.

People use "step up" as a way of saying "provide a favour for someone" that comes with the implication that to not do so would be a failure on their part. It's strangely manipulative language.

You sound lovely describing your DHs as 'nothing to do with you'. So what if your DSC are not legally your DC
Exactly what I said - legally she's not my child unless I adopt her. A marriage certificate is not an adoption certificate.
You are emotionally involved in their lives by marrying their father. The laws of the land do not dictate the amount of love, warmth and caring an adult should show a child. A child that is part of the man you profess to love
You can be warm and caring to a child without taking on any proper parenting.
What part of being an active and caring SP involves telling lies? No one is claiming you becoming the actual mum - just a SM
You are trying to dictate what my role should be in my own family. Neither I, my DH, his ex or DSD agree with you. We all get on quite well, no trampling over boundaries or unreasonable expectations of service.
An extra caring adult in the child's life. You do know that no child will be harmed from having too many adults to love them
My marriage would be harmed if if was landed against my will with responsibility for a child I have no rights over.. She would be harmed if, like my DH, she was led to believe that I was just like her mum and had to treat her like my own and love her like my own then was let down by the reality of our relationship.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I also see that most people have made the assumption that the OP’s DH’s business is just a ‘hobby’, and is never going to be successful……. Most entrepreneurs started out with an idea, and presumably relied on family support to enable it to succeed. In the end, it’s totally the OP’s decision as to whether she steps up or not. I know what I would have done.

So you would have worked full time, done all the childcare and all the housework while your husband followed his dream?

I don't believe you.

The op hasn't said how often the little boy wants to stay extra. I do think that is relevant. If he is looking forward to playing out in the back garden with new friends, that isn't going to last much longer with school and dark nights coming - we have nice weather at the moment but for how long? The other children's parents won't want that either when they are all back at school and they'll have to make do with weekends.

I didn't notice first time reading that op has another child, older than the baby; I'd have thought having children already would make it easier to add another one to meals and evening activities. However nobody wants to be taken for granted, the dad will have to pull his weight.

Anyway, good luck to her whatever happens.

Image how rejected he is going to feel by you when he's told he can't have extra contact because his step mum doesn't want to care for him.

To say that it's not possible because his father cannot be there to spend time with him has the merit of truth.

It would be heartless to use the explanation suggested above. I doubt very much that the child is actively choosing more time with a step parent.

I didn't notice first time reading that op has another child, older than the baby

I don't think she does?

The 'your child - your responsibility- I won't have him in the house unless you're here' attitude is just selfish

So what? Even stepmums are allowed to be selfish sometimes and say that actually, it’s important I am able to control my own life so no I won’t be doing (what amounts to) unpaid childcare so my husband can continue on with no changes to his life.

I think OP's clarification that she is the main breadwinner makes a real difference here IMO.

And I totally refute that people were being sexist by asking that question or even assuming that her DH was, because we were given working hours and it is highly
unusual (though not impossible) that a person working from 10:00-4:30 is the main breadwinner irrespective of gender.

Typically part time hours mean a reduction of income. This is hopefully agreed to by both partners to facilitate a certain lifestyle benefit, often (but not always) based on someone being at home with the children.

If the OPs part time hours were being facilitated by her partners extremely long hours, then I think it would have had to be a very tricky conversation, which included the possibility of the OP going full time and the OH going part time to care for all his children.

HOWEVER, OP has said that she is the main breadwinner. So it's a very different situation, and categorically unfair that she's being asked to shoulder the majority of the childcare / home admin and financial contribution. That's obviously a no go,

It's worth mentioning that the OP is on Mat leave at the moment. So all the posters frothing at the mouth that her husband isn't pulling his weight in the current scenario are talking nonsense. OP said he's very hands on with the kids on the weekends, and I don't think it's that surprising that a parent on mat leave does the majority of the working hours care.

However, when OP returns to work things change dramatically, doubly so as the OP is the primary breadwinner. While her hours are better for children, the fact is she doesn't want to have to manage DSS on weekday evenings.

I still strongly believe that it is the kids home and that means that a weekend only rule doesn't work. I also strongly believe that any child told they are only allowed to visit at weekends would not feel like a member of the household but an unwelcome guest. And a child that knows OP is home from 4:30 but has been told that his coming home mid-week isn't allowed might (rightly or wrongly) interpret that as rejection by his stepmother.

In some ways (specifically for handling this really) your part time but breadwinner status is a pain in the arse. Because if you were out at work you wouldn't be available and your husband would either have to flex his hours or sort childcare. The same is true now BUT you are at home which makes things feel more awkward.

Giving the business isn't bringing in money, and he has childcare responsibilities that you're unwilling (quite fairly) to shoulder for him, I think he will have to shelve the business for now and get a part time job that allows for him to care for all his children (including your shared one).

It sounds like this won't have any impact on finances as the business is fledgling and not making a lot. If there is a small financial impact, hopefully this will be covered by reduction in CM (as having more overnights) or it will have to be absorbed by the family generally.

So YWouldBU to say they can't come more. But you would absolutely NOT be unreasonable to say that he needs to facilitate this, and that actually he needs to rethink the business generally as it is not working in terms of his contributions to family life anyway.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I also see that most people have made the assumption that the OP’s DH’s business is just a ‘hobby’, and is never going to be successful……. Most entrepreneurs started out with an idea, and presumably relied on family support to enable it to succeed. In the end, it’s totally the OP’s decision as to whether she steps up or not. I know what I would have done.

Well. Most mum entrepreneurs start out with an idea and fit it in around childcare and housework. It’s only men where a large number get to assume having a business idea is a free pass on parenting and housework.

@Bobsyer

The 'your child - your responsibility- I won't have him in the house unless you're here' attitude is just selfish

So what? Even stepmums are allowed to be selfish sometimes and say that actually, it’s important I am able to control my own life so no I won’t be doing (what amounts to) unpaid childcare so my husband can continue on with no changes to his life.

But the request isn’t that she be present for her husband, it is for the Step son and the decision should be about what is best for whole family, not just the OP. It is both selfish and unreasonable to use children and their needs as pawns in power plays between parents. Either OP and DH are a team raising all their children as equal family members or they are not a team, and not partners but more like housemates with the “you do yours, nothing to do with me because they’re not of my blood” attitude.