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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 06/09/2021 18:12

You or DH fetch your in laws,
They can stay at yours and have the kids.
I would then drop to DM how they are so helpful and you are considering moving near them to help them in their old age.
Just to be a bitch.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 06/09/2021 18:12

Without losing your rag at your mother, have you actually told her how it looks from your perspective - that you specifically asked her, with advance notice, to care for her grandchildren on two days; and now she has agreed to changing her holiday dates to accommodate her friend who has arranged to care for a neighbour's children? That in agreeing, she is prioritising her friend over you?

Some people need to have things spelled out. What you'll most likely find is that she agreed to the change without double-checking the dates, and now she's embarassed to go back to her friend and say "no" i.e. admit that she has made a mistake.

Where you go from that conversation, will determine whether you cut her grass in future.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 06/09/2021 18:12

I do feel like telling her that she can get her own shopping and pay someone to do her garden, if she thinks her df’s neighbours children are more important than her daughter and her dgc, but I won’t as she doesn’t have anyone else to help

Hmm don't you see the irony of your last line? You don't have anyone else to help (easily) either, but she doesn't care. She can pay someone to mow her grass or whatever jobs there are.

RedHelenB · 06/09/2021 18:12

How old are the children?

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 18:14

I do feel like telling her that she can get her own shopping and pay someone to do her garden, if she thinks her df’s neighbours children are more important than her daughter and her dgc

YANBU, she needs to employ a gardener and learn to shop online. This isn't tit for tat, this is something she should have been doing any way. How did you get stuck with this?

She has cost you a valuable promotion and does not value your job.

Subbaxeo · 06/09/2021 18:14

I would be very hurt and upset by this and would be open with her about how much this has upset you. She has decided to renege on a prior commitment to her daughter and grandchildren so her friend can look after some friend’s kids. Please ask around at school-someone would step in-I would have back in the day. My children are adults now and I can’t imagine stitching them up like that. Definitely, row back a big on stuff you do for her, she obviously doesn’t appreciate it. But I would tell her how it’s made you feel, OP in a calm ‘I’m very disappointed’ manner.

Driftingblue · 06/09/2021 18:15

Under no circumstances should you cancel the training. This is one of those rare circumstances where even if it is on to strain the budget or you incur some debt, you must hire child care for this training. You can’t let this damage your career.

As for your mother, yes, I would first find out if her friend changed the dates without permission. If your mother consented to the switch, then I would feel free to step back on how much you help her out.

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 18:15

@Namechange1million

How about asking your dhs parents to stay at yours for those two days so they can take the kids to and from school?
DH’s parents don’t like staying anywhere away from home, as fil has an adjustable bed (they never go on holiday). They adore their dgc and I get on really well with them. I hate asking them, but they might help, especially if they know how important this course is to me.
OP posts:
FinallyMrsE · 06/09/2021 18:15

My IL’s did this to me when I was booked for a CS in favour of looking after my BIL’s dog. I was furious and have never and will never forgive them.

Can you ask the school fb page. I would always help someone even if I didn’t know them that well in circumstances like this. Don’t cancel the course yet, there has to be a solution

maddening · 06/09/2021 18:17

Book a childminder?

Clymene · 06/09/2021 18:18

Does your mum have an issue with you working or something? Because this is incredibly odd behaviour. My mum would have just told her friend she couldn't change her holiday because she had plans that week. I can't believe her friend would have pressured her to change the week to prioritise a neighbour's children over grandchildren.

FWIW I would totally look after your kids for 2 days after school if you were desperate

Popskipiekin · 06/09/2021 18:18

We use adhoc childcare in situations like this, all the time. Not great of course to spend money when you weren’t going to before, but I don’t understand how it has to go up the spout - if the course is that important, and you don’t know any fellow parents who could help out, then just pay someone to look after your children. If you’re not in / near a big town with childcare apps / agencies, find someone by asking on a Facebook local site. They’ll probably have to come over the day before to meet the kids / DH, see where the school is etc, and yes it’s a whole admin and strategic pain, but needs must if your promotion is at stake.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 06/09/2021 18:18

DH’s parents don’t like staying anywhere away from home, as fil has an adjustable bed (they never go on holiday). They adore their dgc and I get on really well with them. I hate asking them, but they might help, especially if they know how important this course is to me.

That looks like a good possible solution, OP although it might be useful to look for alternative pick-up and childcare arrangements so you have some options for future occasions (I'm looking to Jan. 22 when you get your promotion).

TopBlogger · 06/09/2021 18:19

childcare.co.uk

I would be fuming that a neighbour's dc were prioritized and bolloxed up my plans

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 18:21

@Driftingblue

Under no circumstances should you cancel the training. This is one of those rare circumstances where even if it is on to strain the budget or you incur some debt, you must hire child care for this training. You can’t let this damage your career.

As for your mother, yes, I would first find out if her friend changed the dates without permission. If your mother consented to the switch, then I would feel free to step back on how much you help her out.

Apparently she did say to her friend that she was supposed to be helping me out that week, but that was the only week they could change to. To make it clear she did know that she was letting me down, when she agreed to the change to suit her friend.
OP posts:
Clymene · 06/09/2021 18:21

I mean if you had kids at my kids' school. I'd probably look after them even if they weren't! Grin There's very few mothers I wouldn't help out in this situation and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Honestly, really worth an ask

DDiva · 06/09/2021 18:22

I would definitely ask your h parents. Even take the kids out of school for 3 days to go stay with them. In the bigger picture your potential promotion and the issues cancelling could cause trumps 2 days off school.

cookingisoverrated · 06/09/2021 18:23

I think if your inlaws can't have them, your DH should take the 2 days off entirely as personal days; long term wise, that is the best option for your family. You are in this together, and it shouldn't just be down to you jumping through all the childcare hoops when you work FT, too.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/09/2021 18:23

Right your mums a wanker

And now that's out the way you MUST go on your course - seriously this is a hell or high water situation

You CAN'T compromise here if you're in line for promotion

So worst case scenario they miss school 🤷‍♀️ - call them in sick and take them to grandparents for a couple of days

They're not in exam years (or they'd be fine at home with a sitter) so just have them go to grandparents

Women ALWAYS put their needs last - this is your career

And again, your mum is a wanker Thanks

diddl · 06/09/2021 18:23

Did the friend change the date without asking your Mum?

And she now feels that she can't ask friend to change again?

I hope the ILs can help.

I'd even look into transporting FIL's bed or hiring one!

diddl · 06/09/2021 18:25

Sorry, just seen that your Mum knew.

What a shame that neither of them wanted to say no & get a refund.

HereticFanjo · 06/09/2021 18:25

@LaurieFairyCake

Right your mums a wanker

And now that's out the way you MUST go on your course - seriously this is a hell or high water situation

You CAN'T compromise here if you're in line for promotion

So worst case scenario they miss school 🤷‍♀️ - call them in sick and take them to grandparents for a couple of days

They're not in exam years (or they'd be fine at home with a sitter) so just have them go to grandparents

Women ALWAYS put their needs last - this is your career

And again, your mum is a wanker Thanks

This if all else fails. I think you do need to speak to your mother because these things can really fester. Calmly but be direct. Tell her you really needed her to step up.
MrsToadflax · 06/09/2021 18:25

Why does the friend's commitments trump your DM's? Your DM should have said that it doesn't work for her. She has put her holiday before your career! I'd be fuming and would have to have it out. Sounds like your DH's parents are the only answer - try and make it work, thank them profusely and don't ask your DM again.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 06/09/2021 18:26

You have to tell her and do a lot less for her. She is seriously taking the piss