DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

Can your mil not come alone? Or if all else fails, can your dh pick up your fil’s bed if he hired a van? I’d try whatever it takes.

Many many people will help out if you ask. What about parents of friends etc. I had a rota of people bring dd back after I had surgery and couldn’t drive and a couple of evenings with 2 different childminders. So if you contact the local childminders, they may have a space on a particular day etc.

I would absolutely tell your mother how upset you are with her. Calmly. Take your time. And make yourself less available.

I don't suppose your husband could alter the times of the training/finish early on the 2 days & add another day on?

Where (roughly) are you?

Can Mumsnet help?

@cookingisoverrated

I think if your inlaws can't have them, your DH should take the 2 days off entirely as personal days; long term wise, that is the best option for your family. You are in this together, and it shouldn't just be down to you jumping through all the childcare hoops when you work FT, too.

Her husband is running a training course. As a trainer you can't cancel unless you've died or someone else has. You can't just take leave

It’s also very unfair of the friend.

YANBU

She agreed and has now let you down, she's perfectly capable of knowing and understanding that!

@LaurieFairyCake

Right your mums a wanker

And now that's out the way you MUST go on your course - seriously this is a hell or high water situation

You CAN'T compromise here if you're in line for promotion

So worst case scenario they miss school 🤷‍♀️ - call them in sick and take them to grandparents for a couple of days

They're not in exam years (or they'd be fine at home with a sitter) so just have them go to grandparents

Women ALWAYS put their needs last - this is your career

And again, your mum is a wanker

This is the answer.

And yes your mum is totally selfish and not to be trusted again.

Your DM should have said no, it’s not suitable to change the holiday date to accommodate complete strangers at the expense of her own daughter and grandchildren. I’d be furious and if she went on the holiday I’d be finished with her.

Can your DC not go to any of their friends after school? I know it's a big ask two days on the trot but someone might be able to help?

I normally defend GPs when it comes childcare complaints, but Jeeeze, this is appalling. And yes, I'd be far less willing to be mowing her lawn for her and all the other things you do.

I really hope you find an alternative, OP. It's one of those things that after you cancelled numerous people would say "but I'd have had them for you!"

Pleaser, please don't give up. And honestly, I would let your mum know just how hurt you are and what difficulty she's put you in.
I'm sure her friend's neighbour would be horrified if she knew what her request had led to.

Is the school within walking distance?

If so is there a neighbour who could collect & keep them at theirs?

Very very annoying op and really dismissive off your mum.

I would either ask ils to come and stay or take dc to theirs for the two days and have them miss school.

And yes, your mum is bang out of order. I would be livid if mine cancelled on me to accommodate a stranger's children when she knew how important the course and promotion was.

Just let the kids have a wee holiday at grandparents for a couple of days. You can not miss the course.

I think your DH needs to take half a day off and you need to also miss half a day, if you really can’t find an after school club.

Your mother’s behaviour is outrageous.

I would be really angry, and tell her so. I would be calm and direct and tell her how badly she had let me down in favour of Df’s neighbour’s kids (FGS). The practical ramifications and how it made me feel.

However having done that I wouldn’t withdraw all helping duties, I would pick and choose and help when it was easy and convenient.

More importantly I would move heaven and earth to get childcare. Find a babysitting / nannying agency, ask at school / nursery, throw money at it. Anything to avoid missing that course.

You say FIL has an adjustable bed- so can't come to stay. Fair enough. Why can't MIL come on her own for 2 nights? Pay for a taxi to take her to pick up the kids etc

How many hours childcare is needed?
From approx 3pm to 6pm?
I'm sure another parent would be happy to help if they understood the situation.

@Moltenpink

I think your DH needs to take half a day off and you need to also miss half a day, if you really can’t find an after school club.

Neither of those options are available!

Ask another parent from your kids classes if they can help out and you can return the favour on a weekend/day off. Or ask a trusted neighbour if they can collect them. Or look up emergency childcare like sitters.co.uk Do not miss your course.

Can your kids have 2 days off school and go stay with in laws?

I definitely wouldn’t be helping your mum out quite so much, she’s been shitty.

I'm actually angry for you OP. My own mum had form for this kind of shit back in the day but more for vanishingly rare nights out when she would come down with stomach bugs an hour beforehand. I'm sorry she has let you down and definitely find some way to attend the course.

Don't be surprised if this does fundamentally change your relationship with her. It's hard to unsee that kind of selfishness. It really is better to have an honest conversation rather than let it fester like an abcess.

Yes it is annoying, she has massively let you down.

But your priority now is to get a range of more reliable childcare options in place, as this kind if thing is going to keep happening whilst you have young kids. I'm a single mum with a demanding job, ex H never, ever helps nd I have no local family so I face this all the time. Some ideas:

• Ask any friends / neighbours / family. You can offer to pay them back in childcare / other way in the future, if you feel awkward asking for the favour

-You and DH need to actively make friends with other school parents. Invite various kids over for playdates, ask parent in for coffee, they will reciprocate. This is the key way to get through primary school.

• post on school whatsapp group asking for recommendations of peoples' babysitters / nannies
• hire an emergency nanny via childcare.co.uk or similar if you need to

Don't let your career take a hit when it really doesn't need to.

OP,
Kindly, it is utterly ridiculous of you to consider cancelling with 3 weeks notice.

Try your best to find and pay a childminder or the obvious thing in bringing them to your in laws.

You sound a bit passive though.

Your mother's behaviour is disgraceful.
Absolutely NO excuse for doing something like that.

She must think very little of you to leave you down so easily.

She needs telling and you need to step back from someone who would behave so selfishly.

I have zero tolerance for people who leave others down.

Decent people don't do it.
She must be a selfish person to even consider doing it.

I cannot believe that a previous commitment that your Mum had was overrule by her friend for a similar commitment to her neighbour

I think you need to stand firm and tell her actually how upset you are and that you will make it work without her but you need some space to process this