DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

Your DH's family?

I would be very very pissed off.

She has shafted you big time.

Ask the after school club if they know of someone who can help you - maybe someone who works there but is not on shift those two days.

YANBU. She has a commitment that means she can’t do the alternative week - she needs to get her friend to rearrange.

Failing that are there any friends from school who could have the DC?
Or use an emergency childcare provider (there are plenty on google). It would be worth throwing the credit card at it rather then let down boss/work/promotion etc.

YANBU to be furious!

Try any & all local child minders, friends, school parents etc that you can before having to cancel your course.

Obviously you won't stop being your mum altogether but it wouldn't be unreasonable to cut back a bit.

Is there someone in your child's class that could pick them up and have them for a couple of hours ?

Your DM’s priorities are very wrong!
Focusing on a solution though, this is a problem for both you and your DH. 2 additional days as a one off, surely can’t hurt if he can give 3 days’ notice? This is a rare opportunity for you, so your need is greater than his.
Alternatively, are there any school mums/dads, friends or other relatives that could help out as a one off? If you explain the situation, surely there would be someone happy to help. I would if a friend or fellow school parent needed it. I’m sure you would too!

It's rubbish of your mum.
I don't blame you for being annoyed and think it's entirely reasonable to tell her why.
So whaf if it causes an argument, maybe she will then ask her friend to go the following week when they are both free.

It's clear that your DH is sharing some of the load that week so I'd be asking friends, neighbours, relatives for help.

I would help someone in your shoes if you explained the situation.

I dont think I could just get over this. I'd want to say my piece.

"Dm, I booked the course because you assured me you could help me out. I'm disappointed that your friends neughbours kids take priority over me and mine. This course is crucial to my professional development, and I thought I could rely on you"

Weeks not days!

You cannot blame your mum for missing out on a promotion when you have a husband who could at the very worst, take unpaid leave.

Basically. He's the other parent.

You say your DH his training for those two days. Does his training hold as much weight for him as yours does for you?

If not, your needs are greater and he needs to make the sacrifice this time.

Do they have a friend they could go to after school for a couple of hours? You might also find a babysitter or childminder happy to pick them up? I can see why you are so annoyed!

I would have a more detailed conversation with your mum.

"Mum I don't understand why your existing childcare commitment for your own grandchildren, and on which my promotion depends, just gets bumped for your friend to babysit for her neighbour? And why you just agreed and didn't tell her that wouldn't work for you? I'm feeling incredibly hurt to be honest but I do want to understand what the thought process was. Am I missing something?".

I'd start with that and see what she says.

@ManifestDestinee

Of course she is in the wrong and its shitty of her. But you seem to be giving up very easily. If it were me, DH would take annual leave. If he couldn't, he'd be conveniently ill if nobody else could help out after asking friends and family. Under no circumstances would I be missing the course. Try a bit harder.

Part of DH’s work is as a trainer. The 2 days I had asked dm to help, was because he had training booked in for up to 20 people each day, so would be really shitty if he let all those people down. I don’t really know any of the other parents, to ask for help, but will try to find another solution. I know dh’s parents would have them like a shot, but they live too far away for dc’s to get to school from and they don’t drive.

I’d be tempted to call her friend and ask her to pick up your DC on those two days. Apparently she’s willing to change her plans to help a neighbor, maybe she would change her plans to help you.

I’m kidding but would lay money that her friend doesn’t even know what a problem this has caused, and that they have not checked to see if there are other options and dates available.

@grapewine

You cannot blame your mum for missing out on a promotion when you have a husband who could at the very worst, take unpaid leave.

Basically. He's the other parent.

The OP has already explained - her DH has already got training booked that day and can’t can cancel it or be back in time for the after school club finishing. That v can Lib is already oversubscribed anyway.

It's a frustrating situation, but by the sounds of it the friend has already changed the dates, and it would be unreasonable to expect your mum to give up her holiday (and lose the money) for two afternoons of babysitting, when she's given you three whole weeks to make alternative arrangements.

There's almost certainly a friend who can take them in for two afternoons, or if necessary book a babysitter for those two days.

Cancelling the course, getting a warning and losing out on a promotion all seems a bit overkill and melodramatic to me!

I'm all for calling out non-helpful dads on here, as that's usually the solution. However in this case it looks like a reasonable split of duties with dh doing what he can and dm picking up the rest.

Pretty ironic to suggest that dh cancels the training he is delivering to 20 people so that op can attend her training. He has a commitment, so does she. She only booked onto the course because someone she loves and trusts assured her she could help.

This time - the DM is the issue.

Surely you can find a babysitter or a friend? I would certainly help out a friend in need on occasions like this.

I can’t believe the friends neighbours children have taken priority here. I would be hurt also OP and would probably be taking a step back. I’d still help with shopping etc but I wouldn’t be doing gardening.

How about asking your dhs parents to stay at yours for those two days so they can take the kids to and from school?

Why can’t your dh’s parents come and stay for those 2 days and do the childcare?

And actually I would stop doing stuff for your mother if it doesn’t suit you for a couple of months so she understands

Don't cancel the course.
I agree it's a pain, but it's 3 weeks until the course, not 3 days so you have time to make other arrangements. Hell even with 3 days you could scramble something together.

Ask friends / FB Gossip Girls for local childminders / sitters who could help. You might even get someone offering to help, if not get a quote from them, book it and then if you're still feeling angry ask your DM for a contribution for the cost. Well maybe not the last bit. 3 weeks out is plenty of time to come up with an alternative.

Is there a local FB childcare group? I would post on that. Or your school one and ask if any childminders do pickups?

In laws did this to us once I have never forgotten it. We really really needed them to have our dc for ONE weekend for my sisters wedding. All my own family were at the wedding. We gave them 6 months notice we were very grateful etc. They were in great health recently retired literally twiddling their thumbs. They pulled out for a laughably crap reason (paperwork 🙄). Never forgotten it. One weekend we needed. They now do stacks of childcare weeks at a time for Dh brothers kid. We just needed one weekend once and were let down. Never felt the same about them since. My lovely friend had them both all weekend in the end.