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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/09/2021 17:31

Time to ask fellow school parents, neighbours etc. Childminders, after school club?

I am not surprised you are hurt by your Mum letting you down. Thanks

HollowTalk · 06/09/2021 17:31

Can you contact the Sitters agency?

ManifestDestinee · 06/09/2021 17:31

Of course she is in the wrong and its shitty of her. But you seem to be giving up very easily.
If it were me, DH would take annual leave. If he couldn't, he'd be conveniently ill if nobody else could help out after asking friends and family. Under no circumstances would I be missing the course.
Try a bit harder.

CheshireDing · 06/09/2021 17:31

Rubbish that it’s ok for yours mums friend to change the holiday at the last minute when you booked your mum first on that week.

As others have said is there an after school club for those 2 days ?

NotYourCupOfTea · 06/09/2021 17:32

I wouldn’t not go on the course I would be finding another solution. What if your DM was ill?

Doesn’t sound like she did it to annoy you, yes it’s not ideal but I’m sure you can find an alternative

Seafog · 06/09/2021 17:33

Three weeks should be enough time to find a babysitter, you would really regret missing the course

Annasgirl · 06/09/2021 17:33

OP, you seem to be cutting off your nose to spite your face here. The issue is finding someone to mind the DC for a few hours after school on 2 days. I would certainly put every ounce of energy into this rather than saying to your company ‘I can’t go on that course’. If you want the promotion, you need to go on the course. You can feel angry that your DM has let you down, but you should always have a plan B for important work commitments.

WhatisanODP · 06/09/2021 17:34

Noooo look and every other option first.

Don’t not go on the course. Find a uni student or something!

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 06/09/2021 17:36

You must go on this course.

Is there an after school club you could use?

Yanbu at all

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:36

@Hadalifeonce

I too would be totally pissed off that her friend's GC, seem to be worth more than her's. Could your DH finish early, or take half day holidays for those days? Or do you have a couple of friends who would take a child each? Then tell you DM to get her own shopping!
It isn’t even her df’s gc, it’s her df’s neighbours children. Dh has training scheduled the 2 days I had asked dm to help. He can’t cancel at this late stage.

I do feel like telling her that she can get her own shopping and pay someone to do her garden, if she thinks her df’s neighbours children are more important than her daughter and her dgc, but I won’t as she doesn’t have anyone else to help. I just need to stay away from her for a few days or we will completely fall out.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/09/2021 17:38

Try local babysitting agencies.

TweedePrik · 06/09/2021 17:40

You need to find a local babysitter who can do this. Do not cancel your course.

Neolara · 06/09/2021 17:40

How about some competent teens to babysit?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 06/09/2021 17:41

I'd be absolutely pissed at her and I'd stop running around after her too.
No neighbors like your mother's dfriend living by you who could help? Hmm
No school friend's parents?

SirChenjins · 06/09/2021 17:42

That’s a shame your DH can’t take leave. So - a babysitting agency, a local teenager, a friend, an after school club…?

You really should go on that course - don’t let your mum get in the way of it.

Namechange1million · 06/09/2021 17:43

Crap situation op. How about look for childminders that could take the kids for those days until your husband can collect them?

Schoolchoicesucks · 06/09/2021 17:43

Really shit of your mother. Not on to rearrange a holiday to suit her friend's neighbours childcare arrangements and screw up her daughters.

But don't cancel the training course. Call in any favours you can from fimriends, other family, the kids friends parents, any local childminders or responsible teens. Or try an agency.

Now you know you can't rely on your mother. I'd not be putting myself out so much for her either.

icedcoffees · 06/09/2021 17:44

I'm sure you'll be able to find someone in the next three weeks who can help. Get asking!

However, I would be really pissed off in your shoes and I would say what you said upthread about feeling that her DF's neighbours' children are more important than you and your DC.

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:44

@chesterelly

Is your DM a bit of a people pleaser? She's gone with a change of date to suit her friend's neighbours rather than say the MN classic "that doesn't work for me". My DF was a bit like this, would help anyone, even if it meant a prior arrangement to suit my DM or me or his GC had to be shelved. It got to the point I stopped asking for his help. Did your DM realise the importance of your course to you? Would it have even made a difference? Agree with other posters, look into out of school club or your DH being able to finish early
DM definitely knows how important the course was, as I had been telling her there was a promotion coming up in January. I had told her the fact I was being sent on this course at this time meant I stood a very good chance of getting the promotion.

Unfortunately after school club is over subscribed and wouldn’t be any use anyway as dh wouldn’t be able to finish work in time to collect them. As said above he can’t get time off those two days.

OP posts:
Greystray · 06/09/2021 17:45

AIBU if I stop helping her is a pretty shitty comment

I don't agree.

She's just fucked her daughter over in favour of her friend doing a favour for her neighbours. I wouldn't even ask AIBU. She's been a dick and she should know it.

FannyBrice · 06/09/2021 17:46

Id stay away for a bit too. I'd be hurt, cross and upset that my mum could dismiss the plans so easily to accommodate her friend over me/my family and potential promotion
Talk to her again but look at nanny agencies, local child minders and after school clubs in the meantime
This happened to me and I never put myself in that position again. I went into a blind panic as I was given only a few days warning - leason learned

HumdrumGuga · 06/09/2021 17:46

How far away is the course?

MattyGroves · 06/09/2021 17:46

Dh has training scheduled the 2 days I had asked dm to help. He can’t cancel at this late stage.

But you also have training scheduled!

That aside, there must be a solution - beg a favour from a neighbour/friend, post on local Facebook groups to find a childminder/nanny, hire a babysitter from sitters or alternative.

But yeah I would be very angry with your mum and I wouldn't be cutting her grass/doing her favours

whateveryouwantmetosay · 06/09/2021 17:46

Your mum is being pretty selfish here. You haven't asked a lot and you have plenty of notice. Can you see if one of your dc's friends might be able to help on those two afternoons?

ittakes2 · 06/09/2021 17:47

I suspect you have a habit of biting your tongue with your mother. Sit her down and explain what you told us - your company will lose money and you are unlikely to get the promotion and that you are very upset she is putting her friend's neighbours children above an arrangement you had and you need some space from her for a few weeks. You don't have to say you aren't helping her for every - but absolutely it makes sense you stop giving freely if she has treated you this badly and taken you for granted.
But I echo others - you have 3 weeks - speak to the school - maybe a teacher or another mum could help.