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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
RuggerHug · 06/09/2021 18:00

I'd be tempted to ask her for the friends neighbours number, when she asks why "well to return the favour obviously, your friend is helping her out so she can return the favour by watching mine since you've changed the plans, that way no one is screwed over/has their plans fucked". I'm not suggesting you leave them with this person obviously but it might make it more obvious to her how wrong it is.

KatherineSiena · 06/09/2021 18:01

Get your in laws to stay and cover the childcare and pay for a taxi to take them to and from school as they can’t drive.

HumdrumGuga · 06/09/2021 18:01

Also, I have booked train tickets based on courses finishing at 5pm as advertised and then they finish at eg 3.30pm as no lunch/breaks so everyone can get home earlier. Apart from me who was travelling 4 hours on a pre booked train Hmm

arootintootingoodtime · 06/09/2021 18:01

Could one of you pick up DH's parents the weekend before and have them stay for the week until you could take them back the next weekend? And then do something super nice for them to thank them?

HumdrumGuga · 06/09/2021 18:01

By which I mean, if your course is local enough could you explain and finish early 2 days and cover the rest at home?

Eralos · 06/09/2021 18:01

Why can’t your husband take AL?

GemmaRuby · 06/09/2021 18:01

Could DH’s parents do drop off and pick up in a taxi? (You’d have to pay).

StatisticallyChallenged · 06/09/2021 18:02

Could the kids go to your in laws? It would mean missing a couple of days of school but in this situation I'd consider it tbh.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/09/2021 18:02

@Eralos

Why can’t your husband take AL?
You need to read the OPs posts.
Eralos · 06/09/2021 18:03

Sorry ignore the above about DH AL.

Either take the kids out of school and have them stay at your husbands parents or get your husbands parents to
Come and stay. go
On the course if you want the promotion

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 06/09/2021 18:04

That's so shit of your mum. Who would screw their kids over like this, I certainly wouldn't. I'd be telling her under no uncertain term exactly the mess she has caused by prioritising a friends neighbours kids or whatever they are over her own daughter and GC and I'd hold back on any more favours for the foreseeable.

pandora206 · 06/09/2021 18:06

I'd pop into school and ask at reception/class teacher if they knew of anyone who could help out with childcare for a couple of days. There may well be a TA or childminder who would happily do this as a one off.

ChargingBuck · 06/09/2021 18:06

I know dh’s parents would have them like a shot, but they live too far away for dc’s to get to school from and they don’t drive.

It's a BIG ask, & a fair bot of organisation if they agreed, but how do you think they would feel about staying at yours for a couple of days to be on hand for those 2 pick-ups?

Flickeringgreenlight · 06/09/2021 18:06

YANBU OP, it must be super frustrating to be dropped in it like this. I would however try my best not to miss the course! As it's only a couple of days, can you cal in a favour with another parent from your DCs class and explain it's an emergency? I wouldn't hesitate to help even if it wasn't a very close friend asking for help. Parents know how hard childcare can be sometimes and they'd be the best to relate & help you out I assume! Good luck

QueenOfCatan · 06/09/2021 18:07

I understand, my Mum did exactly the same to me in the summer. Asked her months in advance. A two week course, husband took off one week, minder due to have them the other week apart from 2 days, Mum told me the week before that she was now going on holiday. We used our childminder for the extra two days but had she not been able to have the kids we would have used sitters, another childminder or similar. Expensive, but if you can rustle up the money it would be worth it in the long run!

Newnames123 · 06/09/2021 18:07

It is shitty of your Mum and if your DH can't help surely there are other options?
Kids friends?
Paid babysitter?
If it is that important to go on course even if you have to get an agency sitter at £££ surely that's better than cancelling?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 06/09/2021 18:08

@girlmom21

You say your DH his training for those two days. Does his training hold as much weight for him as yours does for you?

If not, your needs are greater and he needs to make the sacrifice this time.

This is a very good point.

The children are the responsibility of both of you, and DH could take a lesser hit than you.

WallaceinAnderland · 06/09/2021 18:08

I do feel like telling her that she can get her own shopping and pay someone to do her garden, if she thinks her df’s neighbours children are more important than her daughter and her dgc, but I won’t as she doesn’t have anyone else to help.

And neither do you by the sounds of it so that would be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

GemmaRuby · 06/09/2021 18:08

You should absolutely stop doing things for your DM though. I would be really hurt that she has let you down knowing how important it is.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 06/09/2021 18:09

Is there a class Facebook page? Explain the situation and ask in there. I'd help out a parent who was stuck.

Leftphalange · 06/09/2021 18:09

I would ask your husbands parents to come down and stay for a few days? It's a big ask but it's just a once off so they might be happy to do this.

Absolutely tell your mum how you feel.

Bentoforthehorde · 06/09/2021 18:10

Send the kids to your in laws and call them in sick for school.
My mother has literally been on the phone to me, seen someone she knows, said hello to them as she takes the phone away from her face and hangs up on me whilst I'm mid sentence.
I can't rely on her for anything, if she gets a better offer she will drop me (and my kids) like a hot rock.
This is important and you are entitled to be upset and/or angry about it. Not doing things for her isn't going to put her in danger, just inconvenience her. If you don't feel like putting yourself out for her right now then just don't. Good luck OP

parietal · 06/09/2021 18:11

I quite understand why your DH can't take AL. All the people suggesting that should read the full thread.

try these websites to book childcare
yoopies.com
www.emergencychildcare.co.uk/

Also, does your kids class have a parents whatsapp / facebook? Explain that you have a childcare crisis & ask for babysitter / nanny recommendations. you might well find someone offers to help. At my kids school, I got to know several other working mums that way & we would step in for each other as needed.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/09/2021 18:12

There’s babysitters who might be willing to help

Or try the college for childcare students?

Worth asking round

Enterthewolves · 06/09/2021 18:12

If this a pattern of behaviour from your DM (putting everyone else’s needs before yours) then she is very out of order, and even if not in this case she is out of order. If I was you I would be thinking about that and how to respond in future. Options for resolving the problem - if your employer would genuinely make you pay the £800 then consider that your childcare budget, could you get a nanny/childminder/trusted babysitter to have them? I am always (genuinely) pleased to be able to help out the parents of my children’s friends if I can (and they don’t take the piss) so do ask people if they could help/have any suggestions if someone you could use as this may elicit a response. If your DH’s parents would help how about asking them and if you need to booking them a hotel room, hiring a car or otherwise supporting them to do it?