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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
JackieQueen · 08/09/2021 15:24

Good for you op! GrinFlowers

OhRene · 08/09/2021 15:47

@Pleasedonotswear

Just thought I would come back and say that ‘d’m phoned me yesterday evening, asking me if I would mind popping to the shops for her, as she has run out of milk! I said no, sorry, I’m busy just now. She wasn’t happy and asked me if I was seriously not going to help, so I said why don’t you ask df’s neighbour if they can help you, as apparently they are way more important than we are! Didn’t go down well and she started telling me how selfish I was being! I said if that’s what she thinks then she can get someone else to cut her grass and run around after her. Needless to say she put the phone down on me! Oh well….
Bloody good for you OP! It sounds like she's a taker and expects you (and presumably others) to do her simple jobs that she is perfectly able to do herself. If she has the ability to go pick children up from school and care for them then I can't think why she is unable to go buy her own milk. Has she just got used to assuming you'll do it for her? That's alone is more than enough reason to be stepping back! Why are you running around after her?

You're 100% right to get her told and she has let you down badly. She's shown you how much she is bothered about you and the promises she had made you.

Madamum18 · 08/09/2021 15:52

The DF is the source of the problem ...followed by DMs desire for a holiday overriding any sense of "duty" to stick to an agreement.

I suggest you go and have an adult conversation with DM about:

*why you feel let down
*How you feel about her decision to agree to change to that week

  • why it is causing you a lot of problems *why at the moment you feel cross about helping *whether you are willing to help in the future

And also LISTEN to her perspective/viewpoint

Then together decide a way forward to avoid the resentment and anger that can be left from this type of situation for the future!

saraclara · 08/09/2021 16:07

The DF is the source of the problem

How, @Madamum18?

Madamum18 · 08/09/2021 16:19

She had agree to go on holiday in a particular week.. She then agrees to look after her neighbours kids despite the holiday arrangement. It appears she did this without reference to how the changes might affect her friend she was going with.(DM) And also without reference to what possibilities there were for changing date and how that might work for her friend!!!

SirChenjins · 08/09/2021 17:02

@Madamum18

She had agree to go on holiday in a particular week.. She then agrees to look after her neighbours kids despite the holiday arrangement. It appears she did this without reference to how the changes might affect her friend she was going with.(DM) And also without reference to what possibilities there were for changing date and how that might work for her friend!!!
You said her DH was the source of the problem - he’s not Confused
SirChenjins · 08/09/2021 17:03

Apologies, you said DF - my mistake! Smile

OnGoldenPond · 08/09/2021 17:37

Hi OP, have you tried asking parents of other kids in your DC classes if they could help out and offer to reciprocate when needed?

We did a lot of this when DC were at school and found most were happy to help if they could especially in an emergency, especially with the promise to help out when they needed it. Reciprocal arrangements like this helped with a lot of those emergencies. Worth getting a play date arrangement going so you can call on last minute help when you need.

ChargingBuck · 08/09/2021 17:39

@Pleasedonotswear

Just thought I would come back and say that ‘d’m phoned me yesterday evening, asking me if I would mind popping to the shops for her, as she has run out of milk! I said no, sorry, I’m busy just now. She wasn’t happy and asked me if I was seriously not going to help, so I said why don’t you ask df’s neighbour if they can help you, as apparently they are way more important than we are! Didn’t go down well and she started telling me how selfish I was being! I said if that’s what she thinks then she can get someone else to cut her grass and run around after her. Needless to say she put the phone down on me! Oh well….
Is your mum not able-bodied?

I would have thought someone fit enough to look after smallish kids would be fit enough to source their own milk.

How tempting to tell her you will of course go & get her some milk.
Then text after the shops are shut, to say "oh sorry about the milk, I gave it to my friend's kids instead" ...

Selfishness often goes hand in hand with raging hypocrisy OP.
Sounds like she's conditioned you to accept her selfishness for decades.

No doubt she'll be back in touch in a few days when the grass has grown.

saraclara · 08/09/2021 17:50

Sorry @Madamum18. I read DF as dear father! Ignore me. Blush

HeartvsBrain · 08/09/2021 18:09

@Namechange1million

How about asking your dhs parents to stay at yours for those two days so they can take the kids to and from school?
This.

But as a mum and grandmother myself, I can say that I think your mum is being very unreasnable.

CallyWW · 08/09/2021 18:14

Don't be a victim, just figure it out! Hire a babysitter.

ejhhhhh · 08/09/2021 18:40

Good for you OP! And what's wrong with a milk man (milk person? You know what I mean, the ones who come round early morning on a milk float), or a supermarket delivery. My ILs were against having shopping delivered until Covid struck, now they can't get enough of it.

PersonaNonGarter · 08/09/2021 18:42

Blimey, OP - well done. She deserved that.

Mary46 · 08/09/2021 20:16

Yes have a backup going forward. I met a few nice school mams we helped each other. My mother like yours let down at last minute. Then a mood if I cant do something on demand. I took a big step back

MargosKaftan · 08/09/2021 20:22

Good for you OP!

And agree with PP about being called "petty" when you stop prioritising the needs of people who drop you in it. That just means "you are just expected to accept my shit behaviour as I am entitled to your time but you are not entitled to mine." You are expected to find a solution to the problem without your mothers help and she should expect everything else to continue as before.

LittleOwl153 · 08/09/2021 20:26

@Pleasedonotswear Any news from her this evening... I wonder how long she will hold out before sending out the flying monkeys to tell you how awful you are being to her!

shmashing · 08/09/2021 20:31

My MIL used to have my children one afternoon a week when I was at work. She started prioritising other grandchildren over mine, and making excuses about it. So we made other arrangements. It worked far better. I'd get onto Facebook and start making enquires now for the future if I were you

Wills · 08/09/2021 20:44

I just wanted to say that I’ve been in your position 100s of times. For a while we had to go NC but now we’ve got a working relationship. That said the older she becomes (late 70s) the more she’s turning into Catherine Tate’s Nan character without the swearing. I feel for you and its easy for others to say stand up to her, but I get not being able to and the complex feelings this evokes. PM me if you ever need a sympathetic sounding board.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/09/2021 22:54

Well done and well said OP!

ralphi · 09/09/2021 08:01

I cannot believe that she would ask you to pop to the shops for her! Is she unable to leave the house? Seriously, you are doing too much for her, and really need to reduce this (unless she is disabled or ill). You have more problems than just two days childcare!

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 08:06

[quote EL8888]@limitlessfunlover this. Cheeky and contrary. I would be taking a major step back. There is a strong whiff of sabotage to it all by her[/quote]
Totally agree that this is now looking like sabotage.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/09/2021 08:31

"oh sorry about the milk, I gave it to my friend's kids instead" ...

Yes try that. "Yes I know I promised to bring you milk and I know how important it is for you. But then my friend said that her neighbor's children would also want some milk, so I gave it to them instead."

ittakes2 · 09/09/2021 08:35

Your mother is being ridiculous - please stay strong and don't give in to her terrible attitude! Sadly she completely takes your kindness for granted.

WimpoleHat · 09/09/2021 08:51

”Yes I know I promised to bring you milk and I know how important it is for you. But then my friend said that her neighbor's children would also want some milk, so I gave it to them instead."

Absolutely this….