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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:

TheChiefJo · 08/09/2021 11:38

I would look into other childcare options like babysitting services and school friends for the long run, OP. Even if your DC go to PILs this time, it's good to have options. Especially if you get a promotion - there will be occasions when it will be very helpful.

limitlessfunlover · 08/09/2021 11:39

I honestly can't believe the cheek of your DM?! Asking you for favours after letting you down so badly abs then having the nerve to be annoyed with you! Wow wow wow! I really wouldn't lift one more finger for her ever again.

bigbaggyeyes · 08/09/2021 11:40

Although maybe not the best approach, sometimes people need reminding, even like this, that favours are to be appreciated and not taken for granted. Hopefully your dm will think next time she asks for help or buggers up your plans.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/09/2021 11:40

It sounds like her behaviour has caused you to reassess. Sounds like she has you running around for no reason. Even if she has health issues milk can be sorted by her arranging a milkman or online shop.
I think posters may have hit nail on head with her trying to sabotage your career so you are still at her beck and call.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2021 11:42

@Pleasedonotswear

Just thought I would come back and say that ‘d’m phoned me yesterday evening, asking me if I would mind popping to the shops for her, as she has run out of milk! I said no, sorry, I’m busy just now. She wasn’t happy and asked me if I was seriously not going to help, so I said why don’t you ask df’s neighbour if they can help you, as apparently they are way more important than we are! Didn’t go down well and she started telling me how selfish I was being! I said if that’s what she thinks then she can get someone else to cut her grass and run around after her. Needless to say she put the phone down on me! Oh well….

Honestly, in this situation I think you were right. I get that she's not obliged to baby sit for you and I'm sure if there was a good reason for her having to let you down this time you would understand but the reason here is so insulting and ungrateful to all you do for her

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2021 11:43

@Sally872

Perfect response OP.

I would also keep kids off school and send to MIL if it comes to it. You didn't plan that to be the option but now as course booked and childcare fallen through I think it is the best option rather than letting employer down and missing out on chance of promotion.

Yeah and I agree with this as well. You missing this course and not getting a promotion is a lot worse than the kids missing a couple of days school

EL8888 · 08/09/2021 11:43

@limitlessfunlover this. Cheeky and contrary. I would be taking a major step back. There is a strong whiff of sabotage to it all by her

SirChenjins · 08/09/2021 11:52

I agree - there's definitely intent behind this. It sounds like she's got very used to you being there in a dutiful daughter role and doesn't want that to change, but doesn't seem to understand that favours and help when needed go both ways.

Kiduknot · 08/09/2021 12:00

@Delatron

It’s good you said something. I would reiterate though so she doesn’t just think you’re being unhelpful for no reason. I’m hoping she got the reference to the neighbours kids but you never know.

I think it’s important to spell it out to her how much this course means to you, how she agreed months ago and it’s really out of order to place friend’s neighbours kids above her own grandchildren. How you are now scrabbling around for childcare, the kids may miss school as you have to send to in-laws. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. Then see her response.

Just saying you won’t help gives her the upper hand I think.

I think this too. A measured, not angry, text/email explaining the difficult position she put you in, and how it made you feel. Depending on her response, I would then decide on how much help I was willing to offer going forward.

A pre arranged commitment to your grandchildren and a holiday already booked should be of far greater importance, than it being cancelled for neighbours kids.

Is she scared her friend will drop her if she doesn’t go along with what she wants?

RubyGoat · 08/09/2021 12:01

@Mumontour85

You're not unreasonable to be upset, but don't stop helping your mum out! Is there not an afternoon club? A school club, a friend of yours or your kids or something? I can't see your mum being the only option. If she really is, then your partner needs to step up - this course is super important to you and your career progression so he needs to work something out re childcare for those few days.

I do wish people would at least bother to read the OP's posts. The OP has already explained that there is an after school club but it's not suitable, that her DH does "step up" regarding childcare, he does the mornings while the OP is at work but that he can't do these 2 afternoons as he also has work commitments, & that she has in fact found someone (her PILs) who have offered to have the kids at their house, if no-one can be found to look after them for a couple of hours after school.

Supporting your family is not an obligation, it's something you do because you (hopefully) want to. If people continually take & don't give, it becomes a pisstake.

LongTimeMammaBear · 08/09/2021 13:12

OP I’m sure you’re feeling a bit bad after the call with your mum but it is a good thing you have said no and why. Now she will (hopefully) get a glimpse of your hurt and how it feels to be on the (somewhat) receiving end. There’s a whole host of potential issues with her cancelling her commitment to watch the kids (outside of school) on those two days as it is training already paid for my your company, not refundable, and is something needed in order to get a promotion. That your DH has already planned two days off then to be with the kids and has his own work commitments training 20 people (who may have also organised their child care to attend) on the two days in question. Big potential butterfly effect because her friend chose to change the holiday dates to babysit her neighbour’s kids.

skyisblue21 · 08/09/2021 13:27

How old are the kids? Could they miss two days of school, you could drop them to your dh parents home if you have no luck with childcare

I would be extremely cross if my mum did this, I would actually tell her to
Do
Her own shopping and not depend on me without actually meaning it, but I'd say it out of anger so she can see how much she has let me down. Seems like your mum is used to messing you about, I can't understand how she thinks her friend doing her neighbour is a good enough reason to change dates, she needs to tell
Her friend that she can't do the rescheduled dates as she's doing child care for her own gran kids!

HereticFanjo · 08/09/2021 13:31

I hope she apologises to you.

balzamico · 08/09/2021 13:37

I think you did the right thing to tell her that she's done you wrong this time.
It doesn't sound like you'll withdraw all support but she needs to realise it cuts both ways.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2021 13:39

@skyisblue21

How old are the kids? Could they miss two days of school, you could drop them to your dh parents home if you have no luck with childcare

It’s not her grandkids as has already been explained. It’s the neighbour’s kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2021 13:41

Oops sorry I misread your post. It’s because there was a random carriage return.

billy1966 · 08/09/2021 14:02

@Immunetypegoblin

I've noticed that unreasonable people get very unhappy when you treat them as they're treated you - the word 'petty' often comes up. Maybe it is, but god it's satisfying. I've also found it leads to improved behaviour from the unreasonable person (in my house anyway) as they realise they can't get away with their shit as much any more. So don't yield, is my advice

I couldn't agree with you more.

I call it working to rule/withdrawal of services in this house.
Most effective.

OP, your mother has behaved very badly.
There is NO excuse IMO.

She agreed to do something that is very important and has chosen to drop you in it.

I agree that your husband cannot drop his job in it, but you absolutely need to do this course and you need to do whatever it takes to get cover for your children including taking your kids out of school to your in laws.

I think your mother is not dependable and I certainly think that you need to make arrangements so that you never ask her again.

There is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship that she would do this to her daughter.
To deliberately cause you so much stress.

There is a saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

To leave you down for such a ridiculous reason when it is so important to you is NOT something I would EVER give her the opportunity to do again.

Pinklioness · 08/09/2021 14:10

*I couldn't agree with you more.

I call it working to rule/withdrawal of services in this house.
Most effective.

OP, your mother has behaved very badly.
There is NO excuse IMO.

She agreed to do something that is very important and has chosen to drop you in it.

I think your mother is not dependable and I certainly think that you need to make arrangements so that you never ask her again.

There is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship that she would do this to her daughter.
To deliberately cause you so much stress.

There is a saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

To leave you down for such a ridiculous reason when it is so important to you is NOT something I would EVER give her the opportunity to do again*

Totally this.

My late father took things for granted. For example, when I'd go round to clean for him, he'd shout at me about something that wasn't my fault or responsibility. I didn't abandon him, but I certainly wasn't rushing to help him at the drop of a hat.

People need to know that they reap what they sow.

Your mum has been really selfish, OP, and I'm pretty certain it's not the first time she's been unreasonable with you. Definitely take the kids to MiL's as they won't suffer and you can't let your work down or jeopardise your future career for two days of them having a brilliant time with their grandparents!

FairFuming · 08/09/2021 14:31

I think you've handled it all very well. I'm glad you have it sorted. Another option would have been to hire a taxi to take MIL to and from school to do pick up. No ideal and obviously depends on distance but could have been cheaper then a babysitter.

I'm glad you're eyes are opened to your M's behaviour.

AmyDudley · 08/09/2021 14:35

Is there a reason your Mum can't get her own milk OP? I can see that cutting the grass may be a hard job for someone who is older, but if she is normally able to look after kids and able to go on holiday, then I'd have thought she could get her own milk.

I don't think you should give up helping her completely, but I would definitely make her aware that you will not be doing tasks she could easily do herself, and you will not be dropping everything to do stuff whenever she wants - it will be when and if it is convenient to you.

The whole thing is ridiculous - the friend should have just told her neighbour 'I can't look after your kids, I'm on holiday that week' - for all we know the neighbour may have easily been able to get alternative child care and probably had no idea that it was causing a lot of hassle for you, because no one would think someone would say 'yes' to childminding when they had a holiday booked. madness.

saraclara · 08/09/2021 14:41

How old is she? Yes, I now pay someone to now my lawn (But that's more because I'm lazy than unfit - my age just gives me an excuse!). But I've never yet had to ask anyone to get me a pint of milk. Does she have a disability?

Shelby2010 · 08/09/2021 14:41

Does she physically need you to get milk or is it her way of exerting control over you, getting you to do her errands?

saraclara · 08/09/2021 14:41

Mow, even!

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 08/09/2021 14:57

Wtf? Is there a reason she can’t get her own milk?

diddl · 08/09/2021 15:23

@Wheresmybiscuit3

Wtf? Is there a reason she can’t get her own milk?

I think that's what a lot of us are wondering!

Even if she can't, then she should also be considering the effort it would cost Op & whether or not she could manage until Op shops again-or doesn't as the case may be!

Online shopping Op?

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