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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 07/09/2021 22:03

When people behave badly sometimes they need to hear it, I think you should tell your mum how unreasonable she’s been. She’s prioritised her friend’s neighbours over her own daughter. If she genuinely needs help then no don’t withhold it but that doesn’t mean you can’t voice your feelings.
As far as the kids are concerned, it’s 2 days. Just take them to PIL for a mini holiday, just tell the school the truth. It may go down as unauthorised absence but it’s not a big deal for 2 days, most don’t fine you for less than a week

Loki01 · 07/09/2021 22:04

@Tealwarrior

So please don't lecture me on how the cookie crumbles

Stop being silly. You asked a question and I answered.

No, you didnt. That is how the cookie crumbles isn't an answer.
Loki01 · 07/09/2021 22:08

@Nc123

Literally can’t believe some of these comments.

It’s not about OP’s husband not doing his bit - she’s explained that he can’t help on those days and why.

It’s not about OP expecting her mum to help out.

It’s about the fact that OP made an arrangement with her mum which her mum has now changed after the fact, because mum friend is doing a favour for someone else. That is not on. If OP had made this arrangement with a friend instead of her mum and the same thing happened, all these commenters would be saying (and rightly) that friend was out of line. You don’t cancel an agreed arrangement on someone who’s depending on you.

Exactly! That is the whole point.

If the mother said she can't help out at the start, there would be no issue. She isn't obliged to.

Pendore · 07/09/2021 22:22

Why didn’t your mum’s friend say to her neighbours “sorry, I can’t pick up your kids as
I’m booked to go on holiday with my friend that week”? Seems a bit of an odd excuse on your mum’s part OP. I’m sorry this has happened. I hope you can find a solution. YANBU.

LitCrit · 07/09/2021 22:24

I'm sure lots of ppl have said already (sorry if so) but can DH's DPs come and stay for those two days? Or could you pay for minicabs for them?

LitCrit · 07/09/2021 22:24

Your mum's a twat btw. She's sabotaging you.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/09/2021 22:39

Yabu to stop helping.
Yanbu to feel let down.
Is your dm's friend bossy and is she afraid of her, the friendship dynamic might be why she feels she can't cancel on the friend.
Never rely on anyone 100%, your dm could have been taken ill the time you're meant to be away or any other emergency. In such situations you default to plan b and learn for future reference never to rely on plan a.

BritMommyAbroad · 07/09/2021 22:41

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your Mum committed to you and has let you down badly for the most ridiculous of reasons. You have every right to be pissed off.
It’s clearly obvious you and your husband are doing everything in your power to work around your children’s childcare and it’s really shitty of your Mum to have let you down at the last minute.
I really hope you can work something out. I was going to suggest taking your children out of school for a couple of days and taking them to your in-laws before I read that you had considered this. Perhaps that is your best option.
Best of luck to you OP.

bumblingbovine49 · 07/09/2021 22:45

Could you collect your in-law(s) for a few days and have them stay at your house for the couple of days you are training. Wwould that work?. They might need to stay a bit longer than just while you are away to allow you to collect them and take them home but that might work ( assuming they don't live too far away)

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 07/09/2021 22:47

OP has explained that FIL needs a specialist bed and cannot stay away from home. PILs are happy to have the children to stay if it comes to it although they will have to miss a couple of days of school.

Duchess379 · 07/09/2021 22:52

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

DH sorts it out.

Or...

DH's parent help out.

Or...

You and DH pay for childcare.

Have you read this thread at all??
bumblingbovine49 · 07/09/2021 22:54

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

OP has explained that FIL needs a specialist bed and cannot stay away from home. PILs are happy to have the children to stay if it comes to it although they will have to miss a couple of days of school.
Oh I missed that. Then maybe if she could find a parent from school to have them after school one day, maybe they could miss the other day of school if this OP can't arrange that for two days ( DH could drop them at in-laws in the evening and I pick up after work the next day). Not ideal but it would be a one off.
Skysblue · 07/09/2021 22:54

Don’t cancel the course.

Hire an an emergency nanny to do the childcare. There are agencies for exactly this type of thing.

Tell your mother that you’re hurt and angry that she let you down with your childcare so that her friend could provide childcare to someone else. Try not to be too angry, your mum sounds a bit clueless.

SD1978 · 07/09/2021 22:58

Before cancelling, you've got a few days to try and find any option available. School friends- be honest and explain the situation- ask if they can help. Child minder/ babysitter/ nanny, find someone and you have time to meet and vet them before you need to use them.

Overnightoats1 · 07/09/2021 23:10

I'd absolutely be looking for another option! If it's just two half days - there are plenty of temporary nannies / child minders etc who can help

Phobiaphobic · 07/09/2021 23:28

@Pleasedonotswear

Thank you to everyone who has responded. This actually isn’t the first time dm has been awkward after promising to help, then changing her mind. I’m going to give her a wide berth for a few days, as I would probably say some things I would later regret if I spoke to her just now, but I will be telling her how badly she has let me down.
I'm a massive believer in having things out with people rather than letting your feelings fester. It's the only way anything will change. If you worry that face to face will quickly escalate, then why not write your mum an email explaining how you feel, how much you do for her, and how let down you feel? She can reflect on it on her own, and will probably come to see that you have a point. Hopefully she will apologise and you can both move on on a better footing.
Bertiebiscuit · 07/09/2021 23:53

Whatever happens you really must go on your course - it's cr*p like this that makes women lose put at work, your mum is being horrible - have the row with her, tell her exactly why she absolutely must follow through on her initial promise, or your relationship with her will be irrevocably damaged - she really shouldn't let you down like this, I'm so sorry she is being so mean - but whatever happens, I don't think you can ever trust her again so be very busy every single time she needs your help in future and if she is upset explain why - that she let you down when it really mattered and you don't feel the same trust you used to have for her - she's being incredibly foolish to let you down over such an important time for you

Bertiebiscuit · 08/09/2021 00:00

One time I managed to get a ticket to see a very prestigious play in London, with a very starry cast, a play that was also important for my college course - but at the 11th hour my DIL had a drama and suddenly really needed a babysitter - I said yes of course, I didn't even mention much much anticipated play, to this day my DIL doesn't know about this, and I didn't pause for a second - seeing my grandchildren and helping my son and his wife was obviously more important than a play or the cost of a ticket - when the chips are down close family are always more important of course - how doesn't your mother know this - she's being very foolish, as I imagine you will massively lose respect and trust for her if she reneges on her promise to help you

Summerbreeze4 · 08/09/2021 00:20

But why did your Mums friend agree to look after neighbours children and change holiday without checking with your Mum first?
Can’t they change it back? Get your Mum to tell her friend she needs to cancel neighbours children.

Petlover9 · 08/09/2021 03:05

@Summerbreeze4

But why did your Mums friend agree to look after neighbours children and change holiday without checking with your Mum first? Can’t they change it back? Get your Mum to tell her friend she needs to cancel neighbours children.
Summerbreeze4 - I agree with you. The mum's friend sounds very selfish. If I were the OP I would be "busy" when mum needed something, even suggesting she get her precious friend to step up. I would feel massively let down
savannahnights · 08/09/2021 04:30

@MissyMooKins

Yes I know you said he can't but who's more important strangers on a course or his wife. He can he doesn't want to.
He can't if he doesn't want to risk losing his job which is what most likely would happen if he bailed on a training course\the 20 people (some who no doubt had to arrange their own childcare) who will be attending it. He's not doing those strangers a favour, it is a very important part of his job.
KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2021 06:12

Is your mum a massive pushover and afraid of her friend? As otherwise it makes no sense that friend's plan to babysit her neighbor's kids should be prioritised over your mum's previous engagement to babysit yours. Just makes no sense.

essexvicky · 08/09/2021 07:23

Why can’t they change their holiday by 2 weeks? Where are they going and what’s the reason for this? I’m a travel agent and if they are allowed to change it by 1 week there’s no reason why they can’t change it by 2 unless it’s something like a coach holiday that doesn’t go on those dates however even then they would be able to go to a different destination

bigbaggyeyes · 08/09/2021 07:32

I'd be pleading with after school club and explaining the situation. Or alternatively speaking to other Mums or looking for alternative child care for those two days (nanny, nursery etc). You could also look to leave the course early and take the material home and study after the dc have gone to bed.

As for your Mum, I understand how annoyed you are and I'd make it very clear how much this has affected you. But only when I'm you've calmed down a bit.

HeadNorth · 08/09/2021 07:32

The problem with people doing favours for you.. even grandparents looking after grandchildren.. is they they can withdraw those favours if they want/choose/need to and there not a lot you can do about it, expectation wise.

Yup and that cuts both ways. It sounds like the OP does a lot of favours for her mum. As you say, she can withdraw these (and I think she should).