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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
jwpetal · 08/09/2021 08:55

When I was doing short term work, one of the parents at school was looking for temporary work. She had my children after school and I paid her. It worked out amazingly well. Search your options, but don't let this set back stop you from your path.

Dontphunkwithmyheart · 08/09/2021 09:22

I hope you get this sorted, I totally relate. It’s fair to say though you have said DH would be “letting down 20 people”, it would be in advance and the question is would it affect his career? Because if it wouldn’t, the the choice for him to cancel to help yours is an easier one.

TicTac80 · 08/09/2021 09:25

YADNBU!!! I'd be really upset if I was in your situation. I haven't read what other PP's have written (only what OP has written), but I really recommend the sitters thing. They're great for ad hoc childcare and have saved my bacon on a handful of times. Definitely try and get chatting with some of the school mums, and also get a few numbers down for trusted babysitters etc. It's so worth having some alternative childcare in place just in case.
My friends know they can call on me, and vice versa, if we're stuck for childcare. I may be a lone parent and working FT, but if I can help then I will.
Good luck on the course!

rosesandbees · 08/09/2021 09:32

Definitely look into childcare options locally and have several up your sleeve. It’s very easy to rely on one person, your DM or one sitter. The problem is when they pull out as in this instance or someone gets ill or for whatever reason can’t do last minute. I learnt the hard way and now have several people I can call on to look after the kids. You can always do a trial hour or two before you go with a new sitter/childminder.
Hope you get sorted, enjoy the course and fingers crossed for the promotion!

notthemum · 08/09/2021 09:54

This has made me cross. Op. What area are you based ? I am in Berkshire, a former childcare and nursery worker . Loads of experience and bits of paper. No commitments for a while. Feel free to PM me if you think I could help you. 💐

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 08/09/2021 09:57

Just thought I would come back and say that ‘d’m phoned me yesterday evening, asking me if I would mind popping to the shops for her, as she has run out of milk! I said no, sorry, I’m busy just now. She wasn’t happy and asked me if I was seriously not going to help, so I said why don’t you ask df’s neighbour if they can help you, as apparently they are way more important than we are! Didn’t go down well and she started telling me how selfish I was being! I said if that’s what she thinks then she can get someone else to cut her grass and run around after her. Needless to say she put the phone down on me! Oh well….

OP posts:
kensington09 · 08/09/2021 10:06

@Pleasedonotswear good response Grin bet you felt better for getting it off your chest! Hopefully when your DM has calmed down she can see that she has been out of order

Immunetypegoblin · 08/09/2021 10:07

I've noticed that unreasonable people get very unhappy when you treat them as they're treated you - the word 'petty' often comes up. Maybe it is, but god it's satisfying. I've also found it leads to improved behaviour from the unreasonable person (in my house anyway) as they realise they can't get away with their shit as much any more. So don't yield, is my advice Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 08/09/2021 10:10

I hope that will give her some food for thought, but I suspect she’s not going to change

So I guess the question is where do you go from here? Are you going to carry on helping her as much as you have?

FannyBrice · 08/09/2021 10:18

I hope you are OK @pleasedonotswear, it's horrible when people let you down, especially when it's your own mum

diddl · 08/09/2021 10:19

I'm not surprised that you said something-don't blame you either!

Does your mum need all the help that you give her or is it somethng that's gradually developed?

CurzonDax · 08/09/2021 10:26

I'm sorry your mum reacted this way OP. However, it's not surprising - in her mind, you have let her down, and she got angry/upset with that. That's fair enough, but then she also needs to realise that you have the right to be equally angry/upset that she has let you down. Helping each other out works both ways.

(P,S - I'm really pleased you said that to her; I would have done exactly the same!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/09/2021 10:27

Well done! I hope you’re feeling a lot better for that. I expect she will manage to find someone to help her out. If she’s able to go on holiday, why can’t she get her own shopping or take a taxi to appointments etc?

rookiemere · 08/09/2021 10:34

Why is she unable to get her own milk ? I've set my DPs up with milk deliveries I'd send her a telephone number for that.
Sounds like she needs to learn to be more self sufficient. I presume she's not very elderly as you have young DCs, so if she's well enough to be holidaying with friends then she needs to be setting up online shopping or taking buses or taxis.

Hertsgirl10 · 08/09/2021 10:35

Good for you to stand up for yourself. Your mum is the selfish one here, not you.

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2021 10:42

I bet you feel better for saying something!!

Delatron · 08/09/2021 10:48

It’s good you said something. I would reiterate though so she doesn’t just think you’re being unhelpful for no reason. I’m hoping she got the reference to the neighbours kids but you never know.

I think it’s important to spell it out to her how much this course means to you, how she agreed months ago and it’s really out of order to place friend’s neighbours kids above her own grandchildren. How you are now scrabbling around for childcare, the kids may miss school as you have to send to in-laws. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. Then see her response.

Just saying you won’t help gives her the upper hand I think.

tickledtiger · 08/09/2021 10:53

Yanbu I think your strategy of avoiding her for a bit is good.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 08/09/2021 10:58

OP, I think you were absolutely right to say no and even better that you explained why. As a PP said, always remind your mum why you won’t help her so she is clear that her actions have consequences, she cannot expect you to drop everything for her when she has gone back on a promise to help you with such an important matter.

BorderlineHappy · 08/09/2021 11:09

You where right to say that.
But have you got childcare sorted

Mumontour85 · 08/09/2021 11:10

You're not unreasonable to be upset, but don't stop helping your mum out!
Is there not an afternoon club? A school club, a friend of yours or your kids or something? I can't see your mum being the only option.
If she really is, then your partner needs to step up - this course is super important to you and your career progression so he needs to work something out re childcare for those few days.

ClaryFairchild · 08/09/2021 11:15

Way to go Op!!! Thanks

So glad you made it clear to your (not so D)M how upset you are with her. Please don't let her guilt you into running around after her again. She can pay to get her lawns mowed, shopping can be done online. YOU are prepping for a promotion and more responsibility!!!

If you need to remind yourself why you need to stand up to her, come back to this thread every now and then and you will remember why you need to be firm with her!!

SirChenjins · 08/09/2021 11:16

@Mumontour85

You're not unreasonable to be upset, but don't stop helping your mum out! Is there not an afternoon club? A school club, a friend of yours or your kids or something? I can't see your mum being the only option. If she really is, then your partner needs to step up - this course is super important to you and your career progression so he needs to work something out re childcare for those few days.
The OP has already explained why her DH can’t do the childcare.

Why does he ‘need’ to work something out anyway? It’s a joint ongoing problem they have.

MattyGroves · 08/09/2021 11:22

Why can't she get a pint of milk without your help anyway?

Sally872 · 08/09/2021 11:35

Perfect response OP.

I would also keep kids off school and send to MIL if it comes to it. You didn't plan that to be the option but now as course booked and childcare fallen through I think it is the best option rather than letting employer down and missing out on chance of promotion.