To ask what really posh folk are like?

[hahahayoumustbejoking]

Someone on MN recently said that posh people were very friendly and polite but actually wouldn't tend to get close to people outside their close circle and were quite guarded.

Just wondering if anyone has any other insights or stories of the posh, good or bad.

@candlelightsatdawn

So I have been called posh on more than one occasion.

Not going to lie but most people assume by the way I talk that I'm unapproachable and stuck up. The amount of people who say to me oh my god when I first met you I thought you would be a bitch, but your actually really lovely and down to earth 😵‍💫 so I generally try to make sure my resting bitch face is always hidden from view. It's exceedingly tiring tbh trying to counter peoples first views esp as I feel like I'm constantly having to apologise for how I was born and raised and sometimes actually I think those apologies are needed.

I also get a fair amount of questions/assumptions "oh it's ok for the likes You going to private school" and "do you have a pony" which I do ride but I bloody hate pony's due to their temperament. I think all of the above makes me very guarded with people. I'm also on first look people always say I thought you would be so judgmental, like because I talk the way I do but honestly I don't really give a fig about what people have and don't have and base it more on who they are as a person. I find that I face a lot more judgement than most actually so I try to always do the opposite, because it's not like my voice or how I was raised means I'm better than anyone else. In some respects I do find massive amounts of money ruins people so I can understand why people assume these things.

Amount is not countable. I think you mean “number” as in “number of people”.

@RuthTopp

I know someone rich enough for their house to have a gatehouse where the housekeeper lives , and when they thought about selling it ( a few years ago , Daniel Craig & Rachel Weiss (sp) viewed it ) they are not old money , and to look at them you'd never know they are multi-million aires , but when talking to them you feel they are being polite, but you are kind of wasting their time by listening to you.

They are what Jilly Cooper in her book about class are called Nouveau Riche and are supposed to be looked down on by those who are old money or who have maybe the title and breeding but no actual assets. Though many a poor but titled aristocrat married money including American heiresses to keep them in the manner in which they were accustomed.

Someone on MN recently said that posh people were very friendly and polite but actually wouldn't tend to get close to people outside their close circle and were quite guarded.

'Posh' people are all different, just as working class people are all different. Whether or not you think it's fine to make sweeping statements about one of those groups and not the other, it's still daft and pointless.

@candlelightsatdawn
Are you Victoria Beckham?

@Vaughan32 no, but also don't subscribe believe that money/famous equals "posh".
There certainly enough new money families that think they are of a certain class because of their money, which often outs them as new money. Depends on your definition of what posh actually is. I certainly don't class myself as posh because I don't currently hold a title. Perspective is everything, and people do like to put others in nice neat box's.

I wouldn't class Victoria beckham as anything other than a pop singer that married well (with what I think is a incredibly ironic name).

@Cam22 thank you for the correction.

This thread is certainly enlightening, although admittedly rather depressing.

All the posh kids in the dcs have more than one dog at least 2... Something I noticed as ds1 was trying to convince us to get a 2nd pup... All the kids he listed during his "begging" were the posh kids... There may be something in it!

@hameldown is the only person who has really nailed it.

My DIL is posh. Comes from an aristocratic family, grew up in a stately home.

The description from @Nayday was correct on so many points it really made me laugh.

She is lovely. So polite, so charming, so grateful for any little thing I do for her. I am solidly WC and she never makes me/DS feel shitty about it. We all just accept each other for what we are. ILS love DS. It's all pretty great really.

@XingMing I am lower middle class although I'm also used to interacting with truly posh people since I went to Cambridge but PLEASE enlighten me on Iripoo because I have absolutely no idea what it is.

@XingMing

I don't suppose you remember the novel, *@SeriouslyISuppose*? There are so few references to it, and Google is silent on the subject. Is it like the Soho language Macaroni? that was spoken as code among 1950s homosexual men of the Quentin Crisp/Kenneth Williams era? Now also mainly forgotten.

I think you are thinking of Polari/Parlary, @XingMing. Macaroni/macaronic is also a linguistic thing but involves playing about with at least one other language for homophones. Bad description but you know it when you find it. Polari has various strands originating various travelling and marginal occupations and was adopted by the homosexual subculture. Julian and Sandy finding it bona to vada Mr Horne's dolly old eek, for example.

@Hameldown

Money and its trappings are red herrings. What matters is belonging. The people you are discussing may be any or all the things described but these are details. Belonging to a tribe through long standing friendships and family ties creates an unassailable position which can be maintained indefinitely and passed to the next generation. It starts young with bonds forged at boarding prep schools, sharing fun, games and homesickness, dorm raids, In jokes, private language, three cheers for the opposition then match tea together, understanding your parents are friends too and some of your schoolmates are also your cousins. These ties are endlessly reinforced by moving to the same senior schools (Radley, Harrow, possibly Sherborne- don't obsess about Eton; it's a largely UMC school for uber-confident sons of high achievers), shooting or fishing invitations, staying with one another in school holidays, meeting up at weddings and getting drunk together, dating then marrying friends' siblings and friends of friends. In adult life the key questions are never about what you own, but who you know. The more people you have in common, the more total your right to belong. You can't buy this for yourself, and people who attempt it end up trying too hard, missing the cues and reinforcing their own non-membership. That's not to say those on the inside are horrible, entitled, arrogant or unfriendly, any more than any other group- indeed, because good manners are prized these are much to the fore, hence all the glowing epithets on this thread. But don't be fooled into believing that being friendly, charming, unstuffy and welcoming means any more than this.

Great summary and so true.

For all those saying we are all the same, some good and some bad ... this response nailed it. It's a different world.

Hameldown
Money and its trappings are red herrings. What matters is belonging. The people you are discussing may be any or all the things described but these are details. Belonging to a tribe through long standing friendships and family ties creates an unassailable position which can be maintained indefinitely and passed to the next generation. It starts young with bonds forged at boarding prep schools, sharing fun, games and homesickness, dorm raids, In jokes, private language, three cheers for the opposition then match tea together, understanding your parents are friends too and some of your schoolmates are also your cousins. These ties are endlessly reinforced by moving to the same senior schools (Radley, Harrow, possibly Sherborne- don't obsess about Eton; it's a largely UMC school for uber-confident sons of high achievers), shooting or fishing invitations, staying with one another in school holidays, meeting up at weddings and getting drunk together, dating then marrying friends' siblings and friends of friends. In adult life the key questions are never about what you own, but who you know. The more people you have in common, the more total your right to belong. You can't buy this for yourself, and people who attempt it end up trying too hard, missing the cues and reinforcing their own non-membership. That's not to say those on the inside are horrible, entitled, arrogant or unfriendly, any more than any other group- indeed, because good manners are prized these are much to the fore, hence all the glowing epithets on this thread. But don't be fooled into believing that being friendly, charming, unstuffy and welcoming means any more than this.

@pucelleauxblanchesmainsell, I did explain Iripoo.

I know someone who works as a cleaner/housekeeper for a Lord on his country estate. If any of 'the family' enter a room where she's working she has to turn off any appliances, stop what she's doing and look at the floor!

I was idly watching Upstairs Downstairs yesterday.
Just absolutely cringe making. I’ve seen the series before when it first came out, but it really hit home how entitled and pompous the upper classes are/were. I found it embarrassing to watch.

I was once worried about going to an event where I would be with lots of really posh people. I'm very working class and was terrified I'd show my child up with my uncouthness. But the thing I realised about posh people was that they are very polite and wouldn't be so bad mannered to let it be known that they were looking down their noses at me. I had a lovely time.

I have 1 friend with ‘money’. I don’t know if it’s relevant as I’m very working class - but I believe both her parents are self made so new money.

Anyway I knew she was well off but didn’t know how well off until I visited her at her parents - proper mansion pool house etc. She’s the most lovely down to earth person I have ever met and I would have no idea she was so well off iyswim.

Her friends I’ve met from private school have all been the same - 🤷‍♀️ I’m a working class girl from Yorkshire with a strong regional accent. I was really nervous there would be a class thing but there wasn’t at all - everyone was lovely!

DP would fall in this category. His parents are self-made so it’s new money. Their home is massive in a very leafy suburb of the country and they love to comment how Waitrose is their local corner shop!

DP went to private school and is so well spoken. When I first met his parents, they were so welcoming of me. Very polite and made me feel so welcome in their home. Never have they made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t have anything bad to say about his family.

@Washeduponthebeach
Upstairs Downstairs? I accept there can be truth in tropes, but it's a drama, not a documentary; presumably written and performed by MC media types putting their RADA RP training into use. I'm not sure it would be a much better guide to 1920s Belgravia than Steptoe & Son is to the 1960s East End.

Dp is, but very down to earth and doesn't sound it now. His mum is interesting to say the least! Calls cleaners staff or help, can't cope without having them around all the time, but she's nice to me.

Really posh people you won't guess are because they don't stand out, no flashy clothes or cars, some choose local schools now too because landed wealthy often aren't so wealthy now!

I have a couple of posh friends.
One is a bit Wellington boot and stinky dogs all over the place. Staunch Labour voters.
The other is designer only, hires a yacht for a week every summer (I looked it up, £75,000 for a week, without the hired help) debenture tickets to all the "important" sports' events etc. Tory through and through.
They're polar opposites to each other really. Adore both.

Love this post. It's refreshing to see someone who can happily be friends with people who don't share the same political views. Too often it's 'I couldn't be friends with a (enter political view) and I think that makes us more insular.

I get told I'm posh but I don't think I am- I'm too fussy an eater! I do know some rather smart people though. For the most part they're nice and live fairly normal lives- just with slightly nicer trappings. They're friendly but can seem a bit cliquey if you're an outsider; they usually don't mean to be, they just have their friends already and in gaggles they seem intimidating! They span political divisions, too- but almost everyone is friendly. That is, as long as you want to be friends with THEM and not just their cash or connections. Some just aren't nice or are too coked up though- that's just people.

The one with a title is a bit of a plonker but he has no side about his (small) title- keeps it very quiet, I knew him for 2 years before I knew about it- which is his redeeming feature; along with the very nice house which came with his trust fund and makes a good party pad. The worst is a girl who is an utter snob. Acts like she's Nancy Mitford- complete with the barely there eyebrows. She's rude by anyone's standards. Similarly some weird sisters who are husband hunters- there's an unspoken agreement that there's something...quaint and a bit desperate about them. These people pop up in the Bystander and occasionally the newspaper diary columns. I know them through a smart hobby. It is a bit niche.

@Hameldown is bang on. For most of these people it's bonds formed through prep schools, public schools, uni, hobbies and joining clubs whilst staying within their circle that do it. Even if they meet someone from a different school, they will have a broadly similar life etc so can click quickly.
They are welcoming but they can sometimes have a naive view of finances etc. They can be unintentionally clueless. For example, someone had to drop out of a ball party going to Paris; I got messages from the girl trying to shift her ticket because the party organiser told her I'd buy it. I would then also have had to sort my board & travel. I had NEVER expressed an interest in going and couldn't afford to; I was having £££ work done on my newly purchased flat. The organiser knew I had a full plate and still told this girl to hit me up. Our concepts of "no spare cash" clearly differed by about a grand or so.

What I cannot stand - even more than snobbery- is inverted snobbery. It's hideous and often used as an excuse to bully. See also - incredibly anglophile Americans. Some are lovely. Some are painful and appear to be distant relations of Hyacinth Bucket- but again, you get that everywhere. The snobbiest social group I've ever encountered though, have been middle class, very fervent Roman Catholics socialising together at a party. Even one of the priests walked off & left them.

Everyone on Mumsnet thinks that they're an expert on the grand.

I'm quite smart by general standards, and some of my school / university friends are very very grand indeed (titles and castles). In short, they're just the same as everyone else, some of them are lovely, some of them are ghastly, and there's a lot in the middle.

The only really consistent things I can see is a sense of comfort within themselves. It's not quite so showy as confidence, but there is a sort of ease within who they are. No need to prove anything or behave in a certain way.

I do think there are also quite generalised manners - knowing how to use cutlery properly (even if ignoring how to do it!) writing a decent thank you letter, not boasting about material possessions.

Also as lots of people have pointed out, money and class aren't linked, so some of the smartest people I know don't have much disposable income at all, and pride themselves on being careful with money.

I would agree on the manners- being polite, writing thank yous etc and the money, for the most part.

IME even on a budget and quite average wages, they'll still have cash for things like arranging Royal Ascot parties, going to weekend house parties miles away, constant reels and hunt ball tickets - which can mean travel all over the country- with suppers at members clubs or good restaurants arranged before hand. It also helps with making stuff last when you've been able to buy a decent item to start with (I wear to death).

I'm not saying other people couldn't do it by being careful with money and their things, but I've also seen the money people can and do put into a season despite having very average/normal jobs and definitely not living on 99p noodles.