To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

He wanted to kiss you, from what you have said there is no doubt that he seemed to like you. From his POV you pulling away won’t have suggested you like him though.

How long would you expect him to wait to feel it’s ok to kiss?

Nearly everyone has said YABU. But you disagree. Thats ok. But doesnt sound as if these dating websites are a suitable way for you to meet potential partners. The guy handled things really well I think.

[quote littleloopylou]@Sirzy it's incredibly important to me, too! Hence why I don't want to make out with some guy who doesn't want to give me the time of day unless we are getting physical.

I'm sure it was upsetting for him and i regret that. But clearly he wasn't that into me despite wanting to kiss me. His writing me off so quickly shows that.[/quote]
You have the right to take as long as you like to kiss someone. But he has the right to expect some sexual contact from as early as he likes too. You're not compatible and I don't think it's very nice that you're so angry with him because he made it clear he wanted more and when you couldn't do that, he chose to protect himself.

[quote littleloopylou]@ManifestDestinee oh, so how should I feel? Should I just kiss someone when I don't feel comfortable? Or decide it's simple personal incompatibility when he wants to kiss me, but clearly doesn't even like me enough to hear an explanation of the reason for my discomfort?[/quote]
You hardly know each other. You met on a platform designed to create romantic and sexual connections. You're not obliged to kiss anyone. And he's not obliged to listen to a complicated explanation from someone he barely knows about why she doesn't want to kiss him.

I get the feeling you want him to "fight" for you. I think a lot of women want that and I understand it, but the guy hardly knows you, isn't feeling it enough to hang around for weeks while you make your mind up and doesn't owe you anything, any more than you do him.

@Sirzy i don't know how long I would expect him to wait! Hence this thread. Apparently I'm strange and unreasonable not to want someone to touch me until I know them better. I probably would have wanted to kiss him the next time I saw him, and for there not to be weeks since our last encounter (as was the case here).

I feel like a total ass because I had started to feel at ease around him and i feel that i showed more of my vulnerability and personality this time. Once he saw more of me, he decided he was out.

How many times does this need to be explained?

Not everybody leads with sexual attraction first, character later.
There are plenty of people whose sexual desire simply doesn't fire up until they know the person they are interested in very well.

Just because you are sold on your 3 date rule, doesn't make it a universal truth.

In which case, actively dating to seek a relationship is not for you. Clearly you (and OP) prefer to let something develop with someone you already know well. That is not the purpose of dating and it's not fair to waste people's time by stringing them along on an endless number of dates. That is entitled.

@DrSbaitso no, i absolutely don't want him to fight for me. I would just like a chance to spend more time together. It's very confusing to me that a man who really likes me would just end the interaction like this. Again, it just shows he doesn't like me. It makes me sad.

Once he saw more of me, he decided he was out.

OP you're massively projecting and catastrophising here.

He obviously likes you. He hasn't been repulsed by getting to know you.

You rejected his kiss (as is your right, of course!) and now he feels like you're not compatible and this isn't going anywhere. He probably feels a bit rejected too.

I think maybe you're not in the right mindset to be dating at the moment, if you're going to take everything so harshly. I mean this kindly. You obviously have some self-esteem issues which it would be beneficial to work on.

Once he saw more of me, he decided he was out.

No, he came to the conclusion that you weren't interested or weren't ready to date, which is not unreasonable to be honest.

@Sakura7 how do you suggest people like us find a partner then? I'm a single parent. My social group is all married couples who have children my age. We aren't going into work. I have my daughter almost all of the time. Should i just accept that i have to be lonely?

You are completely misrepresenting what people have said to you and also his reasons for not wanting to continue in the circumstances. I don't blame him for not subjecting himself to more of it.

*I feel like a total ass because I had started to feel at ease around him and i feel that i showed more of my vulnerability and personality this time. Once he saw more of me, he decided he was out.

And I think this is where your anger towards him is coming from. It seems you've taken umbrage to the fact that his wants are different from yours and you're simply feeling angry about that you've essentially been rejected. It's not a nice feeling but it's the risk you take with dating. He doesn't owe you an explanation like you don't owe him any physical contact. You do need to accept that and move on.

[quote littleloopylou]@ManifestDestinee oh, so how should I feel? Should I just kiss someone when I don't feel comfortable? Or decide it's simple personal incompatibility when he wants to kiss me, but clearly doesn't even like me enough to hear an explanation of the reason for my discomfort?[/quote]
You should try and think about someone other than yourself. Every single post is only about your needs and feelings, like he is only there as a NPC in your drama.
Other people are real too you know, they have needs and feelings. Maybe consider them.

[quote littleloopylou]@DrSbaitso no, i absolutely don't want him to fight for me. I would just like a chance to spend more time together. It's very confusing to me that a man who really likes me would just end the interaction like this. Again, it just shows he doesn't like me. It makes me sad.[/quote]
He likes you, but not enough to go through what you want or need him to go through. That's sad for you but entirely his right. You like him, but not enough to kiss him at this stage. That's sad for him, but entirely your right

I don't know why you're confused. He's been as clear as day.

@GoodGrief100

*I feel like a total ass because I had started to feel at ease around him and i feel that i showed more of my vulnerability and personality this time. Once he saw more of me, he decided he was out.

And I think this is where your anger towards him is coming from. It seems you've taken umbrage to the fact that his wants are different from yours and you're simply feeling angry about that you've essentially been rejected. It's not a nice feeling but it's the risk you take with dating. He doesn't owe you an explanation like you don't owe him any physical contact. You do need to accept that and move on.

Also OP if this is the worst you’ve encountered in online dating you’re quite lucky. People showing interest and then ghosting , people leading you on etc etc are all very common.

You have to be thick skinned enough to not take rejection too personally. And accept that it’s chance whether you find a compatible partner. It’s a minefield.

[quote littleloopylou]@Sakura7 how do you suggest people like us find a partner then? I'm a single parent. My social group is all married couples who have children my age. We aren't going into work. I have my daughter almost all of the time. Should i just accept that i have to be lonely?[/quote]
As per my previous post, I wonder if more specialised dating sites might be better for you than mainstream ones? There are quite a few which deal with people who don't want to rush into sexual relationships e.g. for those who are religious or asexual / demisexual.

@ManifestDestinee I am aware that other people have feelings, but this is a thread about my feelings. I actually would welcome a proposal about what I should have done differently.

I didn't demand anything of him. I told him i was disappointed and confused (because I was). Then he said we clearly aren't compatible etc, then I blocked him on WhatsApp. End of.

Honestly, I think I'm probably right about all of this. He wants a girlfriend, he wants sex soon, he doesn't like me enough to be bothered. He thought he'd have a go, I wasn't ready, he washed his hands of me. I'm sure he felt rejected and that was unpleasant, but there's nothing I can do about that.

By that I mean - even if you like each other and it’s been more than a few dates anybody could break off anything for any reason.
If you get this angry at all of them you’ll be emotionally overwhelmed and burnt out.

[quote littleloopylou]@Sirzy it's incredibly important to me, too! Hence why I don't want to make out with some guy who doesn't want to give me the time of day unless we are getting physical.

I'm sure it was upsetting for him and i regret that. But clearly he wasn't that into me despite wanting to kiss me. His writing me off so quickly shows that.[/quote]
Its not all about you, dating is a 50/50 experience, you dont have to kiss anyone ever
But you cant also expect someone to carry on dating you if they dont feel you are physically attracted to them.

@littleloopylou I don’t see anything wrong at all in taking your time. Sad that everyone is in so much of a rush to get to a point, they don’t linger and enjoy the time in getting there.

I’m with you OP, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you

If someone didn't want to kiss me by the third date, I would feel rejected and feel that they weren't attracted to me and I would probably not go on any further dates with them.
So I think he has acted reasonably. I can't see how you interpret that as him only being interested in sex. If a guy was only interested in sex, it's unlikely they'd get to a third date (or even ANY actual 'dates' per se). Your guy sounds like a gentlemen compared to many!

OP in the gentlest way, modern dating is a minefield and I feel that you need to learn more about it more and develop resilience strategies. If you want to date for a long time with no kissing, that's absolutely your choice - BUT I think that most, even well-intentioned, men will interpret that as rejection and lack of attraction on your part. Stick to your values, just be aware that it is not a view shared by many and will hence limit your options.

@Lockheart I'm not remotely asexual. I'm really, really not religious. So these sites would be unsuitable for me. I have a normal to high sex drive and I love physical affection once I feel i can trust a man. But it appears that the normal thing to do is for people to get physical before they know each other. So I'm (not) fucked

Honestly, I think I'm probably right about all of this

That much is clear. Why did you ask AIBU at all? You have no intention of listening to anyone else's opinion, as you don't think anyone but yours matters.
Your attitude is terrible and tbh, I think he's been a lot more mature and reasonable than you have been.

The more you post the more I think he has had a lucky escape!

It sounds like for you focusing on expanding your friendship group would be better and if things develop with a friend they do but otherwise you have the friendship

[quote littleloopylou]@Sakura7 how do you suggest people like us find a partner then? I'm a single parent. My social group is all married couples who have children my age. We aren't going into work. I have my daughter almost all of the time. Should i just accept that i have to be lonely?[/quote]
Well you're clearly not open to dating and only want a relationship that starts on a friendship basis, so maybe broaden your social circle. Meet ups, park runs, whatever might interest you. Though as a PP said, these are predominantly friendship groups so you can't assume the people in them will be open to a relationship.

You either hold out for your ideal friends to relationship scenario (accepting that this may not work out and you may remain single) or you adjust your expectations of dating.

It sounds like you expect others to want the same things you do, and are angry when they don't. You're not considering anyone else's perspective here.