To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

Of course you're not wrong to not want to kiss someone when you're not ready. But I do think you may not be suited to conventional dating sites, especially if you're not making it clear that you are a demisexual and what it involves. Can you find a site that specialises in it so you can find other people who have the same attitude?
If you have an opportunity to date, do you not have an opportunity to find a hobby where you can get to know someone slowly?

I met my partner on a local facebook singles page. Everybody joins in with discussions so you get to know what people are like, and then there are group meet ups, and then you can decide if you want to meet up. I felt like I knew him by the time we went on a date.

Different people have different attitudes towards dating. Yours and his differ. Neither of you should have to change, or feel crap, you're just not compatible.

You talk about your wants. Seems like you want to to call all the shots and dictate how he should be behaving. You need to let it go. He has made his choice and done nothing wrong.

Honestly, I think I'm probably right about all of this. He wants a girlfriend, he wants sex soon, he doesn't like me enough to be bothered. He thought he'd have a go, I wasn't ready, he washed his hands of me. I'm sure he felt rejected and that was unpleasant, but there's nothing I can do about that.

This is quite funny. 200+ posts of people telling you that you're not right and yet...

I think you should look for specialist sites. I know a man who is a bit like you - he is very uncomfortable with any kind of sexual activity too early. It's not completely uncommon. You just have to find the right people who are also wanting to wait.

[quote littleloopylou]@ManifestDestinee I am aware that other people have feelings, but this is a thread about my feelings. I actually would welcome a proposal about what I should have done differently.

I didn't demand anything of him. I told him i was disappointed and confused (because I was). Then he said we clearly aren't compatible etc, then I blocked him on WhatsApp. End of.

Honestly, I think I'm probably right about all of this. He wants a girlfriend, he wants sex soon, he doesn't like me enough to be bothered. He thought he'd have a go, I wasn't ready, he washed his hands of me. I'm sure he felt rejected and that was unpleasant, but there's nothing I can do about that.[/quote]
This is the whole point people are making. You didn't HAVE to do anything differently. You set your boundaries and that's fine. He made his boundaries clear and that's also fine. People are finding it hard to understand what you aren't getting about YOU AND OTHER POTENTIAL PARTNERS CAN HAVE DIFFERENT BOUNDARIES AND IF THEY AREN'T COMPATIBLE THEN THATS FINE - no one has done anything wrong in this situation.

What exactly do you think he owes you at this point, OP? And to what end?

@LalalalalalaLand123 thank you for this thoughtful message.

I'm a little confused, though. I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing on the first or third date, or any time. I just don't like kissing someone until I feel comfortable that we really like each other. So it's not a value. Unless most people just kiss when they aren't comfortable? Do most people do this?

Online dating is very different, sounds like you want a friendship so it really does sound like it’s not for you.

Neither of you are wrong but because you're only thinking of yourself and ignoring anyone who says otherwise YABU.

And yes kissing on first date very common!!

The question is, why would you want to go on a 4th date with somebody who you weren’t desperate to kiss on 3rd?

[quote littleloopylou]@LalalalalalaLand123 thank you for this thoughtful message.

I'm a little confused, though. I don't think there is anything wrong with kissing on the first or third date, or any time. I just don't like kissing someone until I feel comfortable that we really like each other. So it's not a value. Unless most people just kiss when they aren't comfortable? Do most people do this?[/quote]
How are you still confused? Not one person has said you should have kissed him, or that is normal.
This isn't difficult and has been explained to you mutiple times. Have you not bothered to read the answers?

You were right not kiss him if you didn't want to.
He was right to realise you were llooking for different things and he didn't want to continue.
You were not compatible and that's it.

His boundaries are just as important as yours. You really need to get over yourself.

@ManifestDestinee what are you saying? Is it your view that he probably liked me but felt rejected and decided to end it on that basis? And I'm wrong to see it as a rejection of me?

[quote littleloopylou]@ManifestDestinee what are you saying? Is it your view that he probably liked me but felt rejected and decided to end it on that basis? And I'm wrong to see it as a rejection of me?[/quote]
I have no idea if he liked you. If he went on three dates, probably yes. But you made it quite clear you didn't like him very much, and he backed off. You rejected him more than he did you.

I am aware that other people have feelings, but this is a thread about my feelings. I actually would welcome a proposal about what I should have done differently. what you should have done differently is just accept that you aren’t compatible rather than turning this into some kind of martyr situation.

You didn’t want to kiss him, in fact it goes further than that, you actively rejected him by pulling away when he tried to kiss you. Your rejection was real but you’re the one who is upset because he didn’t want to stick around until you felt he was deserving.

Frankly I think he’s had a lucky escape, and as to how someone like you finds a partner, honestly? Unless you stop game playing and stop taking everything so personally you’re going to find it incredibly difficult.

I honestly think that staying single is the best thing you can do right now, until you get your self esteem back on track and start to realise that not everything can revolve around you.

Incidentally, we’ve had threads on here from posters who have been upset that they haven’t even had sex and it’s been 6 weeks. And the general advice is that if it’s a sexual relationship they want then they should just move on.

You have a right to boundaries. So does he. The only person trying to push and break down those boundaries is you op.
Tbh his reaction to you pulling away at a kiss is very reasonable. He wasn't rude or angry and simply realised you are incompatible.
He's absolutely justified to call it quits in these circumstances. There are a number of reasons he might want more of a physical relationship. Why should he waste hours and hours of his time observing your boundaries when you pay no regards to his or his feelings. Maybe he wants children of his own. Maybe he wants a loving sexual relationship. Whatever the reasons your expectations are incompatible. Stop being angry with h and update your profile so your expectations are more honest. And drop the identity politics. Sexual boundaries are normal and you don't need a special label. Just be upfront and honest.

You have a right to boundaries. So does he. The only person trying to push and break down those boundaries is you op

Nail..head.
He respected OP's boundaries. OP did not respect his and thinks he should have over ridden to suit her.

Everyone who is flipping out at me and saying I'm being unreasonable: my issue here is that I'm unlikely ever to want to kiss someone who I don't know very well. I don't actually think this necessarily is a sign of incompatibility. If we had met through work and gotten to know one another, I probably would want to kiss him on a first date, or before ever going on a date!

Do most people kiss someone when they don't feel comfortable with it? Is that it?

I haven't said he needed to do anything other than what he did. But it looks like I will have to consistently break my own boundaries to meet someone in the nightmare world of dating. And if all men are going to insist on this to feel I'm worth dating, it feels pretty shit.

And I haven't asked him to break any "boundaries". I didn't beg him to see me again. Is that a boundary. Only wanting to see someone if they will kiss you?

@BelleOfTheProvince

You have a right to boundaries. So does he. The only person trying to push and break down those boundaries is you op. Tbh his reaction to you pulling away at a kiss is very reasonable. He wasn't rude or angry and simply realised you are incompatible. He's absolutely justified to call it quits in these circumstances. There are a number of reasons he might want more of a physical relationship. Why should he waste hours and hours of his time observing your boundaries when you pay no regards to his or his feelings. Maybe he wants children of his own. Maybe he wants a loving sexual relationship. Whatever the reasons your expectations are incompatible. Stop being angry with h and update your profile so your expectations are more honest. And drop the identity politics. Sexual boundaries are normal and you don't need a special label. Just be upfront and honest.

The irony of the OP pre-judging men as ‘wanting to get their dicks wet’ but expecting them to do exactly what she wants 😂.

Do most people kiss someone when they don't feel comfortable with it? Is that it?

YOU'VE BEEN TOLD 20 TIMES NO TO THIS QUESTION, AND THAT IS NOT ABOUT THAT.

How on earth do people see me as breaking his boundaries? I basically said fine, that's confusing and disappointing but have a nice life. He sent me a follow up saying wouldn't it be better if we were cuddling in bed!

I posted here because I'm bewildered by the whole thing.

I don't consider kissing particularly sexual, I wouldn't have sex after three dates but I would kiss on the first if I liked someone. Do you find kissing generally uncomfortable or are you comfortable with it with someone feel you know? If you want a friendship before you have a relationship that's fine but OLD is probably not going to work for you, you're better off getting to know people at work or really widening your social circle to meet lots of new people in RL.

I can get this to some extent. I met dp on online. We spent 8 months messaging before we met. It was perfect for me, as I’d come out of a long term relationship, was wary of getting into another long relationship, so it being a slow burning slow growing thing in the background was perfect for me. The attraction to him grew v slowly while we messaged and got to know each other that way. Having loads of space to think and evaluate was lovely. It suited us both that way.

There’s nothing wrong with you, but it clearly didn’t suit him to go as slowly as you. Update your profile and be clearer with people at the start.

He didn't respect my boundaries! He wasn't interested in hearing why i didn't want to kiss him, but he sent me a follow up message making a point about how it would be better if I did things his way! I'm just trying to understand what happened.

I don't know what to tell you op. Let it go. He obviously liked you. You're not looking for the same thing.
What is so difficult about the concept?

[quote littleloopylou]@ManifestDestinee what are you saying? Is it your view that he probably liked me but felt rejected and decided to end it on that basis? And I'm wrong to see it as a rejection of me?[/quote]
Yes, you're wrong. You set the boundaries and expected him to fall in line. He didn't, he reassessed and he ended it. And you feel rejected??