To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

But if after the third date you don't want to be kissed, then is there any attraction there?!? I don't think many people would continue dating someone who isn't attracted to them in the hope that they may feel something eventually.

@littleloopylou

The guy has told me he doesn't want to see me anymore because he felt awkward that i didn't want to kiss him.

I don’t blame him. I’d feel exactly the same.

For me, sexual attraction is a part of a relationship, the wonderful bit that sets someone apart from friendship

That hardly makes you unique, & it certainly doesn't make you different from someone who just goes more slowly, @sofato5miles

I snogged my boyfriend within an hour of meeting him. And we were in bed together the following weekend. And we both have said since we are glad we didn't shag the first night 🤷🏻‍♀️. Still going strong, monogamous and in love. We definitely weren't/ aren't using each other for sex. It is just one part of our happy relationship.

Bully for you!
Did you think your personal anecdote would cheer OP up?

NEWSFLASH - people can wait months before kissing each other, & guess what? - they also could make every happy claim that you make about your own relationship.

You can do what you want but to be honest if I don't want to kiss them on the first date it's because I don't fancy them and if a guy didn't want to kiss me by the third date I'd think he doesn't fancy me and wouldn't be keen on seeing him.

@ChargingBuck so he's "ominous" for not wanting to hear her explanation in the horrifically awkward moment where he's gone to kiss her and she's rejected him. He's supposed to immediately have his shit together to be gracious about it is he?

I really can't see how he's done anything wrong at all and given we don't really know what she's said it's entirely possible it looks like she's wasting his time from his perspective.

He’s not entitled to kiss you. You’re also not entitled to hundreds of hours of his time before you decide whether he’s someone you want to actually be romantic with. Yes you wanted to see him again, but the terms were “spend more time getting to know each other without romance,” which for most people looking to date is simply wasting their time. You don’t get to decide what he must invest in you.

I agree with this.

It sounds like he's hit the nail on the head, you're not ready to date. What you want is for a long friendship to turn into something more, which is a different thing.

It's not fair to criticise the guy for pulling the plug at this point, you could conceivably go on 20 dates with him and decide in the end that you're not interested. Do you think it's fair to waste his time like that?

Of course you don't have to kiss someone if you don't want to, but you do need to be aware that your relationship style (it's not a condition) is incompatible with regular dating.

@Flowers500

Sorry but the more you post, the more…entitled? you sound.

He’s not entitled to kiss you. You’re also not entitled to hundreds of hours of his time before you decide whether he’s someone you want to actually be romantic with. Yes you wanted to see him again, but the terms were “spend more time getting to know each other without romance,” which for most people looking to date is simply wasting their time. You don’t get to decide what he must invest in you.

Agreed. He's allowed to have boundaries too.

You shouldn't have to do anything with any man that you don't want to. And the man should respect that.

@Martyitsyourkids

You shouldn't have to do anything with any man that you don't want to. And the man should respect that.

Which he has. Total respect.

@dottydodah

TBH I think that by the 3rd date , if you arent feeling it then it isnt there.Most people who are attracted to someone will want to kiss!

How many times does this need to be explained?

Not everybody leads with sexual attraction first, character later.
There are plenty of people whose sexual desire simply doesn't fire up until they know the person they are interested in very well.

Just because you are sold on your 3 date rule, doesn't make it a universal truth.

I sound entitled? Wtf. He's certainly entitled to pull the plug at any time, but I find it very disappointing that he would just end all engagement without further discussion because I need more time to feel comfortable.

I'm not saying it's necessarily unusual, hence the question. Honestly I assume most men are just in the dating game to get their dicks wet rather than establish a genuine connection.

He actually texted me this AFTER saying that he doesn't want to see me at this time: "How much nicer would it have been if we cuddled up in bed together?"

I responded asking why he was saying this when he literally had just told me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He responded that he was trying to prove the point. (What point, I'm honestly not sure)

"You don't have to explain" is a little ominous, frankly.

Why?

If I had gone three dates with someone who still had no urge to kiss me, I wouldn't ask for an explanation as to why they don't find me attractive. The point is, they don't, and I'm not interested in spending God knows how much longer to see if I can convince them. Why is it ominous if I don't need a reason to accept his feelings?

Demanding that he justify it is surely worse!

@littleloopylou

Here is what happened. He tried to kiss me. I pulled away. I started trying to explain. He told me that I don't have to explain. Then he texted me to say that we should reconnect when I'm ready to date or something like that.

In his position, I would have done exactly the same. He handled a difficult situation well.

You sound really selfish OP. You seem to think he should hang around for months for you to decide if you're comfortable, while you don't care about his thoughts on the matter.

Problem here though is it’s all about you with no thought about how he is feeling.

Obviously nobody should do anything they aren’t comfy with but you have to be realistic and understand that for a lot of people that side of things is important

@ManifestDestinee oh, so how should I feel? Should I just kiss someone when I don't feel comfortable? Or decide it's simple personal incompatibility when he wants to kiss me, but clearly doesn't even like me enough to hear an explanation of the reason for my discomfort?

Course you shouldn’t!
I suppose if it were me (and I’m not at all experienced with dating) depending on other signs I might wonder if the person liked me romantically if there was no kiss

@littleloopylou

I sound entitled? Wtf. He's certainly entitled to pull the plug at any time, but I find it very disappointing that he would just end all engagement without further discussion because I need more time to feel comfortable.

I'm not saying it's necessarily unusual, hence the question. Honestly I assume most men are just in the dating game to get their dicks wet rather than establish a genuine connection.

He actually texted me this AFTER saying that he doesn't want to see me at this time: "How much nicer would it have been if we cuddled up in bed together?"

I responded asking why he was saying this when he literally had just told me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He responded that he was trying to prove the point. (What point, I'm honestly not sure)

But what further discussion do you want? If he doesn’t want to continue without a sign of physical affection he’s right. Nonwithstanding this update (which I’m on the fence about).

Unfortunately as pp have pointed out needing more time is unusual. While someone would be judged as shallow/pushy/sex-crazed for ending it because of no sex on the third date - they wouldn’t be for no touch as you’ve seen here. By our society’s standards physical affection by that time is standard. Hence he’s not doing anything wrong. In another society where people waited until their wedding day to hold hands (like mine) then yes your disappointment applies.

@littleloopylou

I sound entitled? Wtf. He's certainly entitled to pull the plug at any time, but I find it very disappointing that he would just end all engagement without further discussion because I need more time to feel comfortable.

I'm not saying it's necessarily unusual, hence the question. Honestly I assume most men are just in the dating game to get their dicks wet rather than establish a genuine connection.

He actually texted me this AFTER saying that he doesn't want to see me at this time: "How much nicer would it have been if we cuddled up in bed together?"

I responded asking why he was saying this when he literally had just told me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He responded that he was trying to prove the point. (What point, I'm honestly not sure)

You're entitled to feel disappointed. But he doesn't have to engage with you if he doesn't want to, any more than you have to. He's looking for a relationship and whatever he's feeling isn't enough for him to be prepared to keep seeing you for weeks while you decide whether or not you want to. If I were him, I'd feel a right twat if I kept on dating for ages on these terms only for you to decide that I wasn't for you.

His point, by the way, is that he wants affection/sex/sexual contact at this point in order to continue. You don't, that's absolutely fine, but you aren't compatible.

*like my original culture

You shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to, but if you haven't kissed by the third date then I would assume you're not interested. I wouldn't go on a fourth date with someone who hadn't kissed me.

"You don't have to explain" is a little ominous, frankly. If he were interested in you, the person, he'd want to have heard.

Perhaps he just respects the fact that OP doesn't owe him an explanation (which she doesn't!).

And that sounds like that’s maybe what he thought
I’m expect he took it as a sign that you’re not interested and felt a bit rejected.

Also to add your disappointment at him not wanting to continue is fine but you feel wronged and victimised which simply isn’t true. He didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did you.

@Sirzy it's incredibly important to me, too! Hence why I don't want to make out with some guy who doesn't want to give me the time of day unless we are getting physical.

I'm sure it was upsetting for him and i regret that. But clearly he wasn't that into me despite wanting to kiss me. His writing me off so quickly shows that.