To think I should not have to kiss a man by the third date?

[littleloopylou]

Really, I want to know. Is this unreasonable?

@DrSbaitso that's my point exactly. I don't see how i can force myself to kiss someone when it feels too soon, but it seems that I am unusual in how long this takes, which means most men will discount me for dating early on. It makes me feel terribly sad to think of being alone forever, or even the next several years, just because it takes me a bit longer to warm up to people

Well then be sad about that. But don't be so angry and weird about it. If most men will discount you early on, what's wrong with that? They aren't what you are looking for, you're discounting them too.
On line dating is for people who are looking for a romantic relationship. You are looking to make friends that might eventually develop into a romantic relationship.
You can't get mad at people on OLD because you are the one looking in the wrong place. Basically you're trying to eat in a steakhouse and losing your shit because the menu isn't vegan.

@littleloopylou You're not autistic. Dates are short periods of time over which you can get to know someone 1:1.

Keep dating, and kiss (or not) as you feel ready. You just need to find someone compatible for you and that takes time.
You shouldn't feel obliged to do anything you don't feel ready for.

Folk on here happy to abuse you are likely not a representative cohort of rational women.

Given the way you are.. You need to meet people in a different way and bond first. Don't go on dates, just socialise until you are ready. Nobody is entitled to be kissed on whatever date, but you must realise that vastajority of people define the success of a date by a mutual attraction. It was quite clear to the guy that if after the 3rd date you physically pull away from him then you are not attracted.

Physical attraction is - or CAN be entirely separate to intimacy/knowing someone well. I launched into OLD and on more than one occasion slept with people on the very first date as the attraction was so strong. I wasn't however particularly looking for a long term thing and that was made clear. Funnily enough one of those flings turned into the relationship I'm now in still going strong five years on. It also avoided the problem of falling for someone then finding out the sex is terrible. I appreciate that I'm coming at things from a VERY different place to you OP but I have to agree that three dates in it would be somewhat unusual to have zero sexual chemistry and if I was on the receiving end I'd presume you weren't interested in an intimate relationship going forward - purely based on the evidence.

I'm not saying he was horrible. It's just very confusing and disappointing. The responses here have helped to clear things up a bit. I think that I probably became somewhat defensive. He felt rejected and ended the discussion because he didn't want to continue feeling this way, and I then felt rejected. Looking back at our texts, i think that I then pushed him away after he sent some messages that were actually fairly nice and respectful because I also hate feeling rejected (like any normal person).

What are you confused about?

I dont get why OP is confused either. If anybody should be confused its the guy. Three dates and she wasnt comfortable kissing. That's very confusing.

@DrSbaitso honestly, I'm confused about why I am like this, and also how when we clearly both liked each other the situation spiralled into this negative and awkward thing. I left a terrible and emotionally abusive marriage two years ago and just dating at all is very scary for me.

[quote littleloopylou]@DrSbaitso honestly, I'm confused about why I am like this, and also how when we clearly both liked each other the situation spiralled into this negative and awkward thing. I left a terrible and emotionally abusive marriage two years ago and just dating at all is very scary for me.[/quote]
If you are worried about the damage caused by your marriage, I wouldn't frame it as "why am I like this" but more "what help can I access for this to help me recover". You may benefit from counselling, not because it's wrong to want to wait but because you're worried that the damage may be preventing you from moving forward with your life.

I really don't mean to be harsh, and I'm sorry you have this background, but it really isn't the job of the men you meet on OLD to fix it or deny themselves their own wishes because of it. If you really are that scared (and I do think everyone on OLD is at least a bit scared, at least at first), then maybe you really are not ready for it yet. Two years isn't long to recover from that kind of thing.

Ultimately you both liked each other but not enough to go along with whatever the other person required to proceed.

I left a terrible and emotionally abusive marriage two years ago and just dating at all is very scary for me.

I think this might be the crux of it OP.

Have you had any counselling after getting out of your marriage? You might need some time to work on yourself before thinking about a new relationship. If dating feels scary (which is understandable) then you're probably not ready just yet.

Are you on the decent OLD sites that you pay for?

I think you’re totally right about this man- he tried to push the boundaries you’d clearly set out. I think it’s fortunate it’s over as he doesn’t sound like he’d understand or appreciate you.

I was also a single parent with very little free time, so OLD was my only option, so I empathize with this.

I don’t think you did anything wrong- in fact, keep setting your boundaries and you’ll more easily weed out the wrong men who are just after sex.

Dating is scary! I always found it very daunting.

he tried to push the boundaries you’d clearly set out.

I don't think that's the case at all. He was very respectful actually. They just weren't compatible.

I was like this before, too, in terms of warming up to potential romantic partners. I just managed to meet men more easily because I had lots of single friends with guy friends etc.

The guy has told me he doesn't want to see me anymore because he felt awkward that i didn't want to kiss him

That's fair enough; like women he can call it a day for any reason he chooses or even none. What he's not entitled to do, though, is expect anything from you that you're not ready to give, and you're probably right that he wanted a quick sexual relationship and then on to the next

Deeply disturbing that over a third think you're being unreasonable. It might be more common to do it his way, but that doesn't mean there's any obligation

Deeply disturbing that over a third think you're being unreasonable. It might be more common to do it his way, but that doesn't mean there's any obligation

Not at all deeply disturbing when you realise nobody said there was any obligation, in fact said the complete opposite, and thats not why OP is unreasonble.
OP is unreasonable because she, like you, doesn't really understand the other party to the dating can have their own boundaries and enforce them as well.

@needsomepeace321

I actually did tell him this before. I suppose that he thought I would change my mind as we were getting along very well

This is where I feel he pushed the boundaries

The vote is actually misleading. Of course OP is right not to kiss someone if she doesn't feel comfortable, and I imagine that's the point people are voting on. Once you dig into the comments, the unreasonable part is being annoyed at the man for calling it quits when it seemed to him to be going nowhere.

'Respecting your boundaries' does not mean capitulating to you. And vice versa.

You don't have to kiss a man by the third date if you don't want to.
But he also has the right to say that he's not interested in progressing any further if you haven't kissed him by that point. He might want to see if there is chemistry there before spending any more time dating you when he could be dating someone else he has more chemistry with.

OLD probably isn't for you. It isn't for me. I've not got far with it because the vast majority of the men seem only interested in getting a shag asap. I'm in another country so maybe it's different here but it's all about a couple of messages and then let's meet up for a shag kind of thing.
I've given up now and hope to meet someone else through activities I do or if I don't meet anyone I'm not really bothered either - it's nice being single.

You don't have to kiss anyone you don't want to. You don't have to do OLD.
Be happy with yourself - date yourself, have fun, do nice things, build up self-esteem, join groups, get to know someone over a longer period of time.

This is where I feel he pushed the boundaries.

I suppose it depends on the context. If someone told me they wanted to take things slow, I would think it means that sex shouldn't be rushed and would happen naturally when both parties are comfortable. However it wouldn't occur to me that a kiss on the third date was in any way rushing things or pressuring someone. The fact that he didn't try to kiss her on the first or second date suggests that he was respecting her, and then maybe misread things on the third date.

[quote Greenmarmalade]@needsomepeace321

I actually did tell him this before. I suppose that he thought I would change my mind as we were getting along very well

This is where I feel he pushed the boundaries[/quote]
So he should have called it a day when she told him that?
And OP would still be on here confused, and asking why he dumped her.

You aren't unreasonable, but neither is he. I think he handled it very well and tbh I'd feel pretty rejected if I was him.

It should all be on what you feel comfortable doing OP, if he tries to force it any other way he's a loser.

I think you're getting a hard time OP and am a bit wtf at the accusations of being 'selfish', 'entitled' and not 'respecting his boundaries'.

I take a lot of time to warm up to people too, which makes online dating difficult. I feel I have to end things after 2 dates if I can't see myself kissing them on the next date. It's a shame he couldn't give you a couple more 'friendship' dates to see if it could develop, but equally his right not to spend his time doing that.

It's tricky when your dating pattern is like this, as you have to rely on environments where you get to know people in a different way ie work or hobbies. I'd keep trying the online dating as well, you never know, you might click with someone quicker than expected, or meet someone who is happy to take things slower. No specialist sites required.