Is this wrong after DM died?

[Ab4925]

Back in 2017 my landlord sold my flat and I moved back to live with DM to save for deposit for a house. Me and DM are very close.

Around this time a small local cat started to visit our house and me and DM found him very amusing as he’d jump through windows etc.. to visit us. We did not feed him but enjoyed his company.

This carried on until 2020, at which point in March 2020 I went away for a weekend to visit friends, and during my trip received a phone call to say DM had collapsed suddenly and die at 65.

The parademics told me the cat had sat her side and guarded her until we found DM and suggested we contact RSPCA. I told them no as he is a neighbour’s cat a few doors down and has a home.

That night the coroners came to take the body and for the first time I allowed the cat to stay as I was alone in the house and extremely distraught.

I awoke at 2am and the realisation of DM’s death hit me and I was about to completely break down in hysterics, when I saw two eyes staring back at me on the bed, and not wanting to frighten the cat I lay back down to sleep - the worst night of my life.

Two weeks later we went into lockdown during which time I bearly left my bed and I stank, not eating or washing etc…

The cat sat outside my bedroom window crying. Because of the cat I got out of bed and started functioning again.

Everyday since this cat has been my support animal and I do now feed him and treat him as my own.

I know this is bad but I was desperate and alone.

Now my home is being sold (not my choice) and Im moving 60 miles away because I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t face losing this cat - my best friend and only family - but I know his owners have children.

AIBU to ask them can I keep their cat? If you think I ANBU how would ask them?

I would never steal him.

We gave our cat away under similar circumstances when I was younger. He was a very much loved member of our family, however he seemed to love the other place more, so, although heartbreaking, we let the other family have the cat and they would send us yearly updates until he died.

So I think it's worth a go OP. Cats aren't loyal like dogs are. And some of us understand that.

I would write a letter and pop it through their door. Just say you've bonded with their lovely cat and are so sad to be moving away from him as he has supported you through your recent loss. Say you know it's a long shot but you would love to have the cat come to live with you permanently, only if it worked out best for the owners and you understand if not as he is their pet.
I really do hope it works out for you, but try and prepare yourself just in case it's a no

I think cats often choose where they want to live.

I had nine cats at one point and one of them, Misty, disappeared. I searched and put up posters, added her to lost pet websites and received a 'phone call from a family who had found her. I went to pick Misty up and met a couple and a young child in a wheelchair. I brought my cat home and made a fuss of her.

The next day she had disappeared and I got a 'phone call from the same family. I went to collect her again.

The third time this happened I said it seemed like Misty had decided to move on and the father asked me if they could buy her. I wouldn't accept any money - I was sad but my cat had made her choice. I worked long hours and had other cats. Misty wanted a different life and I think the young child had become attached to her.

I hope you are allowed to take this cat when you move.

What an experience @Ab4925 I understand the bond you have with this cat. Can you write a letter saying everything you said in your post. I feel like you will always wonder if you don’t ask. As others have said the answer may be no, but if you never ask, you’ll never know.

Hi don’t think a note through the door (minus the details about your mum) could hurt. Keep it cheerful and breezy. It wouldn’t be fair to describe your distress.

I hope they say yes and I wish you the best of luck in your new home.

We moved house and did everything right, but one of our cats kept going to our old house. An elderly couple found him, took him to the vets and returned him to us when his chip was scanned. (He was reported missing). He did this a few more times, in the end me and my partner had discussed asking if they wanted him as he had to cross several main roads to get back to the old area. The elderly couple had fallen in love with him, they asked about rehoming him. We agreed (much nicer than him being killed in the road). I walk by the house sometimes and bumped into them, they invited me to see him, he was so happy. They had pictures all around the house of him.
I am so glad he is happy and although my son is upset he understands it’s better than the cat being ran over.
If you ask you maybe surprised by the answer. They didn’t offer any money for him, we paid for his microchip to be updated.

Why is everyone suggesting a letter? If someone wanted my cat I’d want them to speak to me in person, so I could check them out. There’s no way I’d give him up anyway, but I’d be even less likely on the back of a letter. It just seems strange. I think this is a MN thing, not a RL thing.

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss and glad you’ve found comfort in this chap. The neighbours must have realised your mum is no longer around.
I would just knock on, let them know you are moving, and mention that their cat seems to have adopted you.
“He’s been such a good friend to me since mum died” is enough.
You can say you would happily take him with you but you realise he’s theirs and ask what they think.

It does sound like you two have a special bond ❤️

@CheekyAFAIK

Knock on the door, say their cat has taken to visiting you and you've formed a bond. That you're moving away and thought you'd ask if there was any chance the cat could come too. I would go lightly with the grief and depression element to be honest, it might put them off. I know a few families with kids and cats who wouldn't be all that sorry to send the cats off to a loving home!

Excellent suggestion, nicely put.

I really hope you get to keep the dear cat.

Send them a link to this thread.

Print your post here, give it to the family, add your flat number and telephone number in a card, saying you know not to ask but also don’t know how to ask, and if you don’t at least ask, you’ll always regret it?
End card with “much love - your cat was and is my biggest comfort ina time of COVID and grief. Thank you for that!”

For what it's worth.. if someone asked for my car I would consider it. Since I had kids the poor cat gets no attention and spends most his time in hiding so you never know.

I just want to adds that even if they say no I think you should ask that they inform who every actually moves into your house about the cat as I had an amazing neighbour who loved one of my cats sadly pass and my cat was heartbroken and would sit at the back door for weeks while family moved things out of the house and they even came to say bye to the cat and the family who moved in the dad is a complete wanker. I went round to explain after I heard him threatening to poison the cat and he told me if my cat was even in the street again I’d never see her again. A different neighbour thankfully over heard and he’s a big man but also a big animal lover and he let the cf know that if my pet or any others is harmed in anyway or goes missing then he would be the next to go missing.

Oh dear. There are some lovely stories on this thread if actually made me cry! God knows why.
But I kind of like the idea of a cat choosing to help another family especially @Bunnylover1961
I’m sure the cat made that little child very happy.

It's not at all unusual for cats to move out of their original home and pick a new owner, especially if their original home is busy with kids etc. As pp have said, some owners are happy for their cat to have a loving home he's happy in, particularly if their own lives are hectic and he's not getting the attention he perhaps should.
Absolutely think you should speak to them, nothing to lose. Hard to know if in person or letter is best. Letter gives them a bit of time to consider it, without just asking them out of the blue but the personal touch is nice. I'd prob write a brief note as an intro and ask to pop by and talk about it if they were willing. Personally, I wouldn't mention money at this stage. Good luck!

@Ab4925 I have two cats and would hate to let go of either of them despite them doing my head in at times. But. If one was spending all its time at another house and was so obviously happy there and I heard what you've been through, I'm pretty sure I'd let you take the cat and even if I didn't I'd not think you were out of order for asking.

I'm going to go against the general consensus here and tell you not to approach these people. I've lost two cats because my neighbours kept feeding them, despite being told not too and it made me very angry. Had they come to my door and asked to move miles away with my cat then I'd probably have lost it with them no matter what story they spun me. The cat really won't think you've abandoned it , it will more than likely go elsewhere and get food. If you stopped letting it In and feeding it , then it would simply stop coming to you.

I vote have the conversation. Years ago a friend of mine was moving house and put her house up for sale. Her neighbours approached her after seeing the sale sign saying their child was besotted with the cat and the cat seemed fond of him as well. That cat actually didn’t get in with her other cat and seemed to stress him out so my friend agreed. It turned out for the best for both cats and both families

Sorry hear about the loss of your mum. I have cats and l know what a comfort they can be during difficult times

Absolutely have the conversation, saying what you said here.

Put simply, best case, they say yes, worst the say no.

Sometimes animals chose their person.

Something similar happened to us. A neighbor’s cat started coming to us and miaowing and not leaving us. They do that when they want to stay with you rather than with their owners. She slowly moved in, and when we decided to move away we talked to the owners and kept the cat. They were not that bothered with her and she sensed it.
She’s been with us for 10 years now. My husband knew that I wouldn’t leave her behind one way or another, she clearly wanted to be with us. So talk to them. If they are not bothered by their cat being away so many hours they might not want her that much.

Sorry it was very rude of me, my sincere condolences ❤️

OP I think absolutely write a letter and DO say why the cat means so much to you - in person that might be awkward for the neighbours but I don’t see why everyone is so worried about you ‘guilt tripping’ them. You’re not lying or exaggerating and it’s their decision what they do with the real situation. You’re moving so even if they do feel bad they’ll get over it! We have a 21 year old cat that we got when I was a child who would really thrive with someone who was home all the time; my partner and I are temporarily looking after her while my mum is moving and as I’m on maternity she’s really happy and put weight on compared to when she was with my mum who works not from home. We might keep her long term if she can cope with my baby once he’s properly mobile because she’s happier. If my mum got a letter like yours from someone she’d essentially moved in with and understood why you loved her and could see that maybe you’re a better situation for her she would definitely consider giving you her. We really love our car and have had her since she was a 6 month old rescue but we’d be giving her to someone in your situ for her own welfare. Cats are very long-lived and people’a circumstances change a lot in that time (I was 12 when we got her and I’m a 32 year old mother myself now!) and the family’s situation might no longer be the best for that cat. Of course they might say no but I think you should have write, be truthful and leave your contact details. I hope the cat stays with you !

chilly what a lovely thing (and sensible).

op yanbu and good luck. So sorry you’ve been through this. Reminded me of when my lovely old Ma died out of the blue. A Robin who she adored (and who we managed to help through the beast from the east) was my equivalent. Sorting her house and sale for months I used to sit and he’d come bobbing around and I’d think about her as I talked to him (her?!).

When her house sold I was actually heartbroken to leave him - new owners are into birds and I left nests and food. It is so tough but so are we. Support.

When we were moving at of our flat to our new house my upstairs neighbour came and asked if there was any chance they could keep my cat as his wife was very fond of him!!! I didn’t have children at that point and honestly felt like he might as well have asked me to leave my child behind!! I thought it was very bizarre. He was a friendly cat and used to like to sit with her whilst she did gardening but he was very well lived at home!!

We have a cat and we would not give her up but I wouldn't mind a letter explaining the cat has been a great comfort to you and why and saying if he / she ever needs a new home please call / email you on x. I would say its unlikely they will give you their cat but it could just be now they are so stressed with kids that they might consider it.

Then if its no maybe get your own rescue cat, plenty needing new homes and the rescue centre will know their personality. Its normal for cats to try to look after people they love and the rescue centre will have cats that don't have anyone to love them.