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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I abnormal for not having close friends?

108 replies

Lovecup · 05/09/2021 08:29

I don’t know where to start with this although I reckon the way I am I very largely linked to my upbringing.

My mother suffered with her nerves and was always unpredictable, had a quick temper and eventually descended into alcoholism. As a child I never knew how she’d be (either smothering me with love or screaming at me) so I developed a thick skin around myself and didn’t like getting too close to people.

I have married and have two beautiful children who we cherish and I have broken that horrible cycle of my upbringing. I’m now 50 and realise I have few friends though. My husband and I are happy and over the years we’ve been friendly with parents of the children, had nights out and even the odd holiday but I’ve never looked for close female friends, the type that you share everything with etc.

I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

We are friendly with our close neighbours and will BBQ and have each other over but that’s it. I look on FB (I have 500 ‘friends’ on there and I like them all) and all I see are groups of people getting together for birthdays, holidays etc especially now we are all older and children are off our hands. I’ve come to realise that I’m at fault, I’ve never made that effort to keep the friendships going, no fallings out just drifted away, when the kids were younger and we worked full time we never had the time to do it either but now they are grown we realise it mainly just DH and I.

Anyone else find they are the same. I know I am BU as I just don’t make the effort.

OP posts:

HelloDulling · 05/09/2021 08:32

Not abnormal, no. And it’s sounds like you are happy as you are, and don’t wish for close friends. Do your DC have the sort of friendships you describe?

MrsPumpkinSeed · 05/09/2021 08:34

I'm very similar. I grew up with a mother with severe mental health issues. Any positivity is shunned. She is very critical of everyone and mocking.
I haven't kept friendships going and I know I am overly sensitive (I don't show it but I cut distance myself from people)

I find when I go out with groups of people it gets bitchy. Then I worry they are bitching about me too. I suppose I have found my tribe.

I must make more effort though as dc are getting older.

HelloDulling · 05/09/2021 08:34

I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance.

This stands out to me, though. Do you hold yourself up to these impossible standards? We all make mistakes and mismanage our priorities sometimes, requiring perfection at all times sounds exhausting.

8dpwoah · 05/09/2021 08:41

After the last 18 months I can see me going this way as well. Don't get me wrong I have lots of contact with people that I like but I have come to realise that a lot of the 'friendships' I have maintained over the years don't really stand up to scrutiny having been let down by people during a particularly rough time in life.

I am happiest with my immediate and slightly wider family and the rest of my social contact I get from colleagues who, ironically now, have become friends as we don't work together any more. Some of those work friendships have far outweighed ones that I've been trying to maintain for years over the last year or so and so I've decided to let those older ones drift off, no drama just not worth the hard work trying to meet expectations 'just because'.

So I don't know have anything useful to offer other than to say if you're abnormal then so am I!

romdowa · 05/09/2021 08:43

I'm pretty similar to you op, I've no tolerance for drama and if someone creates it , then I just get rid of them. I keep people at a distance and wouldn't describe myself as close to anyone. I've learned though that getting close to people just isn't worth it and encourages them to have opinions about my lifestyle and choices.

GinJeanie · 05/09/2021 08:44

I think this is understandable given your main female role-model/care-giver made you feel so unsafe. It must lead to you feeling less safe around and having difficulty trusting others, particularly women. It's a bit of a cliche I know but counselling/therapy may really help with this (if you've not already tried it). However, I definitely don't think you're abnormal and if you're happy as you are, that's ok too. You've probably developed a lot of resilience through having such a tough upbringing, for you.

Original poster

Lovecup · 05/09/2021 08:44

I’m definitely over sensitive, hence the dropping of people if they do something that I don’t like. I do my best to be a nice person but no doubt I probably irritate people at times. I recognise the need to try and be less perfectionist about things.

For instance, we were in a friendship group of parents many years ago when the children were small. I had an issue with a particular teacher so dealt with it via the school, one of the parents really didn’t like this and the next thing I was dropped like a stone by them all.

None of this bothered me though, I just don’t grieve the loss of people, I just think ‘their loss’. I’m probably cold and heartless really, keep people at arms length.

OP posts:

PumpkinPatch21 · 05/09/2021 08:44

I'm the same, but probably a bit younger than you.

The issue I find is I keep making friends with people who seem a lot younger than I and are at that horrible gossip/clingy/if you don't make an effort to message me every day I'll bitch about you stage and I can't be doing with the stress.
I have joined a few local groups and that's enough for me for socialising. I'm happy on my own with my family for company.

aquashiv · 05/09/2021 08:51

I'd be surprised if the vast majority don't agree with you.
Perhaps be a bit more forgiving might mean you don't set impossible standards as people are human. As you get older you realise that expecting others to never make mistakes is unrealistic.

Original poster

Lovecup · 05/09/2021 08:53

This is the thing, I find with friends they keep wanting to ‘catch up’ over food or drinks and to be honest I can’t be bothered after working all day, I’m happy to go home, cook and chill with DH or on my own.

I know it’s me, I just don’t make the effort and without the effort you’ll get left behind.

OP posts:

LargeBouquet · 05/09/2021 08:55

I’m sure you aren’t the only person who doesn’t make an effort to pursue or keep friendships, no, and if you don’t want them, surely that’s fine — but it is entirely possible, with work, to set aside childhood learned scripts.

Marmalady75 · 05/09/2021 08:57

My husband has friends in his life that he made when he was at nursery school. They went through the whole of school together and still meet up now in their 40s.
I’m more like you OP in that I don’t chase friendships and just step back from the drama. I’ve never had big bust ups where we’ve had screaming matches, I’ve just stepped back and let them carry on. There are moments when I wish I had a really close group of friends, but then I look at my life and think that overall I’m very happy. I don’t think you are abnormal, just not into the drama that some people leave in their wake

StillMedusa · 05/09/2021 09:05

I'm the same OP . I have work colleagues whom I like well enough and we get on really well at work, and now and again one or two of us will meet for coffee outside of work, but that's it. I have some old friends (Uni days!) online but we are scattered all over the world so meeting in person isn't happening, and literally two friends from the baby parenting days who I maybe see once or twice a year!

And I'm fine with that. I've never needed a best friend or someone to land on every week. I chat to other dog walkers when I'm out, I am friendly to people but I don't NEED much from them.

I have my husband (who is similar) and a close relationship with my grown up kids and it''s ok. We don't go to parties or BBQs , but we do a leisure activity together, we have our own hobbies too (his is a group one, mines solo!)
I'm also in my 50s and quite content with it, and had a fairly stable upbringing so no back story... it's just who I am! I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I have never relied on anyone really!

ChateauMargaux · 05/09/2021 09:13

Same here and I look at my Mum's life and think it is sad that she didn't keep friends and I wonder that despite having lots if friends that come and go, why my own friendships are not deep and long lasting.

yourestandingonmyneck · 05/09/2021 09:27

I suspect it is more common than you think.

I've moved around a lot my whole life so I don't have the same people who have been in my life through all stages, and I do envy that sometimes. But, as you say, it can be a load of drama and I also don't like that.

As I suspected, a lot of people on here are similar to you OP. And I think it is very common / normal.

I wonder though, the only time I could see this making a difference is for big occasions, such as weddings / milestone birthdays. Personally I would never throw a party as I have a huge fear of nobody turning up. What do other people do?

spotcheck · 05/09/2021 09:36

I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance

That stood out to me too.
You know... Most people have some insecurities. Many people have also suffered in childhood. Just cutting someone off for a small slight is quite unkind. I totally understand that you are still in 'survival mode' and preserving your boundaries, but you could really be hurting others with your behaviour.

freeandfierce · 05/09/2021 09:39

I'm in my 50's and don't have female friends. I don't see the appeal of going shopping together or going out drinking etc. I find I have so little in common. I have one friend who just gets me, he's male. I've always found it easier to form friendships with men for some reason.

TENDTOprocrastinate · 05/09/2021 09:42

I’m the same. I just don’t make the effort as I’m mentally & physically tired from my demanding job and more socialising is the last thing I want to do at the weekend/evenings. I just want to spend time with dH and my daughters. If we do socialise it tends to be with other family members and that’s enough for me. I have one longest friend who I’ve known for about 18 years, I’ve moved suite far away since I met her, we see each other about 2x per year and text about once per month. This works for me. I suspect that I have ASD though (dd has recent diagnosis) so this may be why I’m like this.

SeriouslyISuppose · 05/09/2021 09:44

@freeandfierce

You get that female friendships don’t have to involve shopping or drinking, though, right?

FannyBrice · 05/09/2021 09:47

That's interesting @spotcheck but how do you preserve your personal boundaries without hurting others?
It's a difficult one

freeandfierce · 05/09/2021 09:55

Just seems to be the ladies I circulate with!

CeeJay81 · 05/09/2021 09:55

I'm the same as in I don't have close friends either or when I did make one for a couple of years they drifted, still meet them every now and again but circumstances have changed etc. Again had a mother with mental health issues but diff from yours. My issues are insecurity and low self esteem due to stuff in my childhood, as I've got older I am less upset about this but it still gets to me. You don't seem to mind? It seems, so if your happy with your life then maybe it's not an issue.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 05/09/2021 09:58

If you're happy it's fine, it's only an issue if it is making you unhappy.

Cam2020 · 05/09/2021 10:08

I have close friends but we're not in each others pockets. We could tell each other anything without fear of judgement, and do at times, but we're all pretty independent. I really don't do in each other's pockets friendships. IME that always end up in drama and are more time and expectation intensive than romantic relationships. The only people I know who have those sorts of friendships seem to be regularly falling out. They also seem to become reliant on that person/group of people and reluctant/afraid of doing things without them.

spotcheck · 05/09/2021 10:14

@FannyBrice

That's interesting *@spotcheck* but how do you preserve your personal boundaries without hurting others? It's a difficult one

Well, I dunno. I think it depends on the situation. 'one wrong move and you're out' is quite harsh. People make very human mistakes. It may be kinder to give two chances? Or maybe get in touch to ask why the 'slight' happened, and go from there?

I think, if you are a victim of childhood trauma ( as I am) it is tempting to be overly defensive, and assume that everyone else is operating from a position of power ( therefore, if they slight you, then it is because they intend to slight you).

I'm not saying that OP should chuck out all her boundaries. It isn't my place to poke at someone's defence methods, but she may be adding to someone else's overall pain.

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