Am I abnormal for not having close friends?

[Lovecup]

I don’t know where to start with this although I reckon the way I am I very largely linked to my upbringing.

My mother suffered with her nerves and was always unpredictable, had a quick temper and eventually descended into alcoholism. As a child I never knew how she’d be (either smothering me with love or screaming at me) so I developed a thick skin around myself and didn’t like getting too close to people.

I have married and have two beautiful children who we cherish and I have broken that horrible cycle of my upbringing. I’m now 50 and realise I have few friends though. My husband and I are happy and over the years we’ve been friendly with parents of the children, had nights out and even the odd holiday but I’ve never looked for close female friends, the type that you share everything with etc.

I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

We are friendly with our close neighbours and will BBQ and have each other over but that’s it. I look on FB (I have 500 ‘friends’ on there and I like them all) and all I see are groups of people getting together for birthdays, holidays etc especially now we are all older and children are off our hands. I’ve come to realise that I’m at fault, I’ve never made that effort to keep the friendships going, no fallings out just drifted away, when the kids were younger and we worked full time we never had the time to do it either but now they are grown we realise it mainly just DH and I.

Anyone else find they are the same. I know I am BU as I just don’t make the effort.

@Lovecup I must admit I always find it odd when people don't have any close friends. If your dh dropped dead tomorrow would you be happy to carry on your life as you are? If so then that's fine. I would be incredibly lonely in that situation.

I obviously love my friends, I don't just have them in case dh isn't there anymore!

@BillyJoe111 I am 49 and still making nee friends. Don't give up hope. The people who said that to you were downright rude and insensitive. If I might make a suggestion, its easier to make friends in groups that are already meeting: book clubs, walking clubs, sports groups and so on. Of course they would start as acquaintances and then hopefully you could find those who may meet one on one. Also dont rule out women my age who are nearing the empty nest and have more time.

I must admit I always find it odd when people don't have any close friends

You do realise this isn't always through choice? I struggle with friendships because of terrible past experiences; other people have their own reasons for struggling.

Bit narrow minded to find it 'odd'.

[quote MareofBeasttown]@BillyJoe111 I am 49 and still making nee friends. Don't give up hope. The people who said that to you were downright rude and insensitive. If I might make a suggestion, its easier to make friends in groups that are already meeting: book clubs, walking clubs, sports groups and so on. Of course they would start as acquaintances and then hopefully you could find those who may meet one on one. Also dont rule out women my age who are nearing the empty nest and have more time.[/quote]
I’m almost 42 myself!

Some of these people were from groups. I moved a few hours away 18 months ago, made sure they all had my number etc, but after a few
times of me texting them to see how they were, they stopped replying. I stopped contacting them first and i’ve not heard from anyone in over a year. Just one of those things I guess.

I have a baby so it should be easy to meet people - i’ve always been one for toddler groups etc but there aren’t many here and the couple there are had waiting lists due to covid. They said they would have space in Feb next year when I enquired at the beginning of this year, these are just church hall type groups!

I'm your age OP and when I was younger felt similar to you. My family and work colleagues were more than enough and I found friends a bit of a nuisance, wanting to meet up and socialise when I was happier not and wanting support with things. I kept the friendships up largely out of duty and habit to be honest, and because I felt I ought to have friends. All I can say is now, I'm so thankful I did. Over the last few years my life has changed immeasurably and if it wasn't for those women, I genuinely don't know where I'd be. I now invest properly in them and get so much in return, support, fun, companionship that would otherwise be in short supply. I know people don't find it easy to find friends, but if you have them or even potential friends I'd say make some time for them, as you never know when you'll need them.

@HelloDulling

I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance.

This stands out to me, though. Do you hold yourself up to these impossible standards? We all make mistakes and mismanage our priorities sometimes, requiring perfection at all times sounds exhausting.

I do this too. I've just gotten to the stage of my life where is someone wrongs me they are a goner. Like you I create no drama no fuss but their card is marked and I cant be bothered anymore with anyone like that. I have got more and more cut throat about it and do you know what, it has done me the world of good!!!!!

I'm late twenties and actually have no friends - It sounds sad but I'm really happy. I have acquaintances, family, my child and my co workers and the most important person my husband. I'm blessed - Make the most of what you have and not what you don't.

I totally understand what you mean @Lovecup

But it’s not an uncommon issue, here’s an article that explores friendships and those issues

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/