Am I abnormal for not having close friends?

[Lovecup]

I don’t know where to start with this although I reckon the way I am I very largely linked to my upbringing.

My mother suffered with her nerves and was always unpredictable, had a quick temper and eventually descended into alcoholism. As a child I never knew how she’d be (either smothering me with love or screaming at me) so I developed a thick skin around myself and didn’t like getting too close to people.

I have married and have two beautiful children who we cherish and I have broken that horrible cycle of my upbringing. I’m now 50 and realise I have few friends though. My husband and I are happy and over the years we’ve been friendly with parents of the children, had nights out and even the odd holiday but I’ve never looked for close female friends, the type that you share everything with etc.

I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

We are friendly with our close neighbours and will BBQ and have each other over but that’s it. I look on FB (I have 500 ‘friends’ on there and I like them all) and all I see are groups of people getting together for birthdays, holidays etc especially now we are all older and children are off our hands. I’ve come to realise that I’m at fault, I’ve never made that effort to keep the friendships going, no fallings out just drifted away, when the kids were younger and we worked full time we never had the time to do it either but now they are grown we realise it mainly just DH and I.

Anyone else find they are the same. I know I am BU as I just don’t make the effort.

What will you do if your husband dies? and your DC are far away? I dont understand this MN trope of friendships being drama, the school gate cliques and so on. I have moved around a lot, so I dont have many close friends, but there is no drama with the ones I do have. I am 49, and my current resolution is to make more friends to get me through the empty nest years.

My mother has been widowed for 15 years and will likely live another 15. That is about 30 years on her own. The effort she put into maintaining her friendships has really paid off.

OP,
You sound very normal to me.

I do have several long standing good friends that I keep in contact with in a regular/irregular way.

I find the whole constant coffee/going out is not my thing though, the older I get.

I really enjoy it every so often but couldn't do it weekly.

Covid has suited me.
The odd phone call to catch up is nice.

With a husband and 4 kids to engage with, it's just enough for someone like me.

I actively avoid coffee meet ups with casual friends that I like but just can't be arse committing to.

Covid has exacerbated these feelings.
I like my own space and peace.

Sounds like you have a good balance OP.

@Lovecup I'm exactly the same as you. I'm autistic.

I also let friendships drop because I feel too uncomfortable to address conflict and I don't have the interpersonal skills to manage them.

I don't think you're unusual at all OP, for a (happily) married woman of your age with children. I'm similar and occasionally have moments thinking I'm not very good at 'friends' but it is fleeting as my DH and DC and pets give me all the 'social' I need. I really only ever crave a bit of quiet time!

I was never the child at school that wanted a big group of friends, one or two suited me fine and it was only peer pressure to be a 'normal' teen that made me question my enjoyment of having just one or two friends!

These periods of alone were only ever temporary though. I've never, ever lived alone or been without a partner. I might rue the day, one day that I didn't make more effort with the friendships that right now, I can take or leave!

Just as a sidenote. Given the last year and the pandemic and many people assessing their lives, I started questioning why I am how I am and stumbled across ADD (inattentive) in women. After letting it sit for a while, I am now awaiting a possible diagnosis. Might be worth looking into as it's really quite common.

I'm in my late 30s and have never had close friends. I honestly don't mind it. I'm quite introverted anyway, but I'm happy with just me and my husband. I've tried to make a few friends but I tend to say things that offend people and the friendships never last more than a few months. I have no tolerance for drama queens. I happily chat to people in the playground, or colleagues at work though, and that's enough for me.

I think you need to sort out what is bothering you about this - on the one hand you appear to be quite proud you can be (in your words) heartless and drop people like a stone, but on the other hand you are feeling left out and lonely - is that right??

There’s nothing wrong with no having close friends if it doesn’t bother you. If you feel you have time to fill then perhaps figuring out what activities you enjoy and just spending time with people through that might be best for you. Making close friends does take a bit of effort but if you are doing it through activities you enjoy it will be a lot easier.

Being easily offended and perfectionist probably does make you hard to get close to - if it bothers you maybe go see a therapist - or if it doesn’t just find some activities and let the people you do them with remain casual friends.

I'm the opposite. Have about ten good friends and everyone else is an acquaintance! I also don't stay in touch with people like cousins, aunts or uncles, but I am really close to my dad and siblings (mum passed away).

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with either option or being somewhere in the middle. So, YANBU. If you're happy, even with zero friends on Facebook or IRL, then that is fine too!

Curious: how do you all handle the conflict and drama in your marriages/relationships, or do you all never fight wt your husbands/partners? The Relationships board seems to indicate otherwise.

I'm in my 50s too, and I'd say I have few close friends. In my case I think it's because I spent much of my life living in different countries until about 10 years ago, so it was hard to sustain friendships. I'd say most of my friends live abroad. Also, I'm single and childfree so I'm kind of 'out of the loop' since most of my contemporaries' lives revolve around their families.

I'm pretty self-sufficient so most of the time I don't mind it, but I did find it tough during the pandemic when travel and seeing my friends abroad was impossible. I think not having close friends is probably more common than a lot of people think.

Hi!!!!!! Quite similar to you ish but younger..
Grew up with difficult parents and mum is an alcoholic but also had highs and lows- would smother me in love but then when drank turned horrible. I think I crave stability and no extremes.

I just let people "drift" And don't get attached. I struggle to "miss" people, I always think, well I'll see them again anyway.. or that's just how life is (eg when moving)

However, I'm early 20s now having graduated and realise how much of an effort I should have made because I now crave close friends. So I'm not content? e.g. when I think about getting married... well who am I gonna invite lol!

Sorry didn't add much to the post but I think we had a similar childhood which I found interesting and how we feel differently about the "friend" situation.

But I think you are "normal". As long as you're happy!

@AudreyTattoo

I'm the opposite. Have about ten good friends and everyone else is an acquaintance! I also don't stay in touch with people like cousins, aunts or uncles, but I am really close to my dad and siblings (mum passed away).

But there is absolutely nothing wrong with either option or being somewhere in the middle. So, YANBU. If you're happy, even with zero friends on Facebook or IRL, then that is fine too!

To add though, I think I have a similar 'policy' to you re new friends / acquaintances. I don't pursue it if it isn't right. A bit like a romantic relationship really! But, it would take a lot for me to drop a close friend or close family member. The latter, I think they'd need to commit an awful crime or something.

I have few friends but rarely see them as Ive met them through work and am now retired and they are still working. Not that Im bothered as I have a big family and I always say my sister is my best friend. My family have never let me down and its easy to forgive those you love. So Im not that bothered about having close friends.

Exactly the same here OP. I have one friend who i stay in contact with on a daily basis texting, however if she suggests we meet up i just don't want to. I care for her alot but if she dropped contact i sadly wouldn't be bothered. This is due to my childhood too.

The fact is you don't want or crave it. It's like someone who likes crab, steak, mussels, trying to get you to eat it / try it. You aren't that bothered, or interested. That's ok.

I crave close friendships and have always had them. It is super important to me. It is a need I have and it is fulfilled. My closest 4 friends I tell everything to. 3 of them we messenger most days, and we meet all the time, for wine and curry, and we also go on a long weekend European city break eg Berlin or Dubrovnik every year.

That's not what you want. So that's ok.

Have you had counselling re your mum. Was it helpful?

I’m also thinking about how quickly things can change. My FIL died in a car accident nearly 18 years ago and my MIL was suddenly widowed at 64. It was devastating for her and she was very dependent emotionally on my DH and BIL for a long time. It was a difficult time, as they were obviously grieving themselves as well. She had good friends, I hate to think what she might have been like if she hadn’t!

She did create a new life for herself, but it took a very long time.

Of course, you might both live to a ripe old age. But everyone is going to die eventually and one of you will be first (unless you die together). So it really does make sense to have an independent life of your own, with like-minded people you enjoy spending time with. (Your DC will have their own lives.)

I’m not overly social myself btw, so I do get where you’re coming from. I have just a few close friends, but I do make an effort to stay in touch with them.

I had an alcoholic parent too op. I have friends who have been my friends since school and will be my friends forever. I am like you though in that I make no effort and don't want to especially make new friends. I cannot organise any social occasion and whilst I like hearing from people, I never initiate contact.

People are different so it’s not unreasonable to ‘do you’. Maintaining close friendships does take effort and tolerance- you have to want to, but if you don’t, that’s fine. In my experience people who are quick to drop friends don’t have many, but they’re probably fine with that.

I don't think it's abnormal at all, but that's just me.

I don't have any close friends or to be honest, people I would call friends. To me they are acquaintances and it's by choice.

My Mum was like this. Had a handful of “friends” but nobody really close to her and that was definitely due to her own fault as like you she didn’t really put the effort in as she was happy in her own little bubble.

Then her and my Dad broke up and she struggled really quite badly because she didn’t really have anyone. This was a few years ago and she’s only just finding her feet now.

I was kind of like my Mum and happy not to make much effort as I’m very much a homebody who doesn’t like going out, but now I try to arrange a meet up with my friends at least every few months and message them often because I’d be hate to be left in the position she was if me and DP ever broke up.

My Mum had a very difficult childhood too so I do wonder if that’s why she was the way she was.

Some people are just less into friends.

I am the opposite. I have about 10 emotionally close friends - all of whom I love and love seeing and sharing my life with. It isn't an effort at all to keep up them or chat with them on whatsapp/zoom. I am very conscious of my need for them, and of my need to link up with people. Sometimes I have a kind of needy feeling and I will message several of them to see if someone is there!

My DH is different. He has a couple of friends he likes to cycle with and other old friends he might email or very occasionally meet, but he just doesn't have the same drive to be linked up to friends as I do . He is quite insular and self-contained.

I don't think this is necessarily set in stone for anyone. I sometimes wonder if my DH is cut off from the part of himself that would love to have more friendships and would thrive on it.

That would involve having to acknowledge his emotional dependence on others though ....

I don’t think you are abnormal. You only have to search MN for threads like this, many are the same.

I don’t have any friends.

I have a couple from 20 odd years ago, but I never see them. They never contact me. It’s only ever if I text them first, then they will respond. But if I never contact them again, they wouldn’t bother me.

I thought i’d made some friends where I used to live, I got to know a group of local people over 5 years or so, had the odd trip to the pub, coffee at each other’s houses. I moved a couple of hours away 18 months ago, kept in sort of touch on facebook, when I deleted facebook I made sure they all had my number. Again, I realised that they would only respond if I contacted them first. Not heard from any of them in over a year.

I’m 41 and I just can’t be arsed now.