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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I abnormal for not having close friends?

108 replies

Lovecup · 05/09/2021 08:29

I don’t know where to start with this although I reckon the way I am I very largely linked to my upbringing.

My mother suffered with her nerves and was always unpredictable, had a quick temper and eventually descended into alcoholism. As a child I never knew how she’d be (either smothering me with love or screaming at me) so I developed a thick skin around myself and didn’t like getting too close to people.

I have married and have two beautiful children who we cherish and I have broken that horrible cycle of my upbringing. I’m now 50 and realise I have few friends though. My husband and I are happy and over the years we’ve been friendly with parents of the children, had nights out and even the odd holiday but I’ve never looked for close female friends, the type that you share everything with etc.

I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

We are friendly with our close neighbours and will BBQ and have each other over but that’s it. I look on FB (I have 500 ‘friends’ on there and I like them all) and all I see are groups of people getting together for birthdays, holidays etc especially now we are all older and children are off our hands. I’ve come to realise that I’m at fault, I’ve never made that effort to keep the friendships going, no fallings out just drifted away, when the kids were younger and we worked full time we never had the time to do it either but now they are grown we realise it mainly just DH and I.

Anyone else find they are the same. I know I am BU as I just don’t make the effort.

OP posts:
Frankie20018 · 05/09/2021 12:26

I dont have close friends either. Again I cam trace this back to my upbringing and a pervious relationship. I'm happy with it though, I have tried to make close friends in the past but it's an effort and deep down its not what I want

hells456 · 05/09/2021 12:50

You sound pretty sociable to me. The only friend I have is my partner. Apart from him and my kids the only other person I talk to is my dad once a week. I've lived in the same house for 20 years and in that time the closest I have got to my neighbours is that we nod to each other if we happen to be outside at the same time. When I was younger I had lots of friends, our lives moved in different directions and I never felt the need to make more.

CoRhona · 05/09/2021 13:15

What is the difference between your DH irritating you and that not being the end of the relationship, and women who do and are then cut off?

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 05/09/2021 13:28

I could have written your OP, I am very much the same and I am happy being the way I am. I used to chase a lot of friendships when I was younger, was a people please, found it very difficult to say no and found that a lot of people took advantage so I am much happier now.

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 05/09/2021 13:33

But you don’t do it with your husband or children. That’s what counts - you work through those issues. I relocated as I thought I had an amazing close knit loaf of friendships - lock down started and I was dropped - as a single parent that was hard. But I evaluated those friendships some I cut off as I realised they were users and had used me. Others I realised were jellyfishes (!) ie friendly but bitchy a sting in the tail so they have gone too!

LookAtMoiPloise · 05/09/2021 14:06

@petshihtzu

Hi!!!!!! Quite similar to you ish but younger.. Grew up with difficult parents and mum is an alcoholic but also had highs and lows- would smother me in love but then when drank turned horrible. I think I crave stability and no extremes.

I just let people "drift" And don't get attached. I struggle to "miss" people, I always think, well I'll see them again anyway.. or that's just how life is (eg when moving)

However, I'm early 20s now having graduated and realise how much of an effort I should have made because I now crave close friends. So I'm not content? e.g. when I think about getting married... well who am I gonna invite lol!

Sorry didn't add much to the post but I think we had a similar childhood which I found interesting and how we feel differently about the "friend" situation.

But I think you are "normal". As long as you're happy! Smile

I am the exact same as you - even down to the age 😂
Flawedperfection · 05/09/2021 14:20

Unfortunately I’ve realised that I don’t really have any friends at all. I have a couple that I do Xmas and birthday cards with, the odd text etc but during a stint homeless didn’t even tell them of my predicament as felt there was no point tbh. They wouldn’t know what to say as couldn’t empathize with something like that.
The one ‘good’ friend I had, who lives locally has let me down so many times (offered to have me stay for a night during my homeless stint, then went back on her word and let me down last minute amongst other things) I have obviously parted ways with.
I think that you need to be in the right place to make friends- mentally, emotionally and geographically (although this is often the least important, weirdly). When I am settled in work and with a permanent address again, I hope to possibly make some new friends and reassess/strengthen any existing friendships. We’ll see.
I’ve never been someone with a huge swarm of friends and believe I’m on the spectrum somewhere so only really cope well with 1-2-1 settings.

Flawedperfection · 05/09/2021 14:23

@petshihtzu, shit yeah, not that I can see myself getting married or anything but I also thought what if I got married and had no friends my side of the church- like Muriel’s groom in Muriel’s Wedding! But surprisingly, Muriel- who doesn’t have friends apart from Rhonda Epinstalk- has an army!!

GoodnightGrandma · 05/09/2021 14:27

Your fourth paragraph resonates with me, I have never put up with people’s crap. My DH, on the other hand, will be friendly to people who don’t deserve it. Like neighbours who don’t offer to go halves when you change the broken fences, friends who have spoken about him behind his back ( saying he was an alcoholic when he was actually off sick with anxiety) etc.
I have good work mates and I enjoy their company, but when I’m home I don’t ‘need’ friends, but I’d like some.

romany4 · 05/09/2021 14:31

This is the thing, I find with friends they keep wanting to ‘catch up’ over food or drinks and to be honest I can’t be bothered after working all day, I’m happy to go home, cook and chill with DH or on my own

I'm nearly 50.
I feel exactly the same!

Flawedperfection · 05/09/2021 14:40

I honestly think that some people- social outcasts/oddballs etc have children just to have friends/company. And I say this as someone who identifies as being a bit of an oddball (v quiet, solitary, introverted, prefers the company of animals). If only I liked children but I am not maternal towards human infants and never will be.

stepupandbecounted · 05/09/2021 15:00

Do you actually WANT close friends op?

Or are you just looking at SM and feel slightly wistful. With friendships come fun and lovely days, support etc but you do need to be prepared that they are not perfect, will def let you down at some point and are only human. I like the non perfect traits in my friends, I like them for all that they are, not my idealised version of them.

Mary46 · 05/09/2021 15:37

Im around your age. I should prob make new friendships as between autistic kids or their own health issues they cant meet up. Our meetups would be odd coffee yeh does get you down at times. But not easy make new friends at 50

GoodnightGrandma · 05/09/2021 15:39

Perhaps we should all join the WI to make new friends !

Original poster
Lovecup · 05/09/2021 16:14

Thank all, I think I was feeling a bit wistful after seeing a few groups of people in parties, camping etc on FB over the weekend.

We get together with our neighbors (6 of us) for garden / house drinks and food probably every 6 weeks or so over the summer and again at new year.

We are the same with family, we only have one sibling each and rarely speak to them and never socialise. We don’t have any parents left.

I get on well with work colleagues but will try my best to avoid socialising with them. It’s all very well but as we are getting older I do wonder what we’ll do if either of us dies…

OP posts:
LBirch02 · 05/09/2021 16:19

No not abnormal at all. Some people’s relationships centre solely around there immediate family. Nothing wrong with that.

MareofBeasttown · 05/09/2021 17:11

I don't think most of the posters in this thread want any friends if you don't actually want to ever meet them over coffee or drinks or dinner or anything! I mean, what else are friends supposed to do?

Which is fine. You can define your normal, if that is what you really want to do. But why then wistfully hanker after them? Hmm. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who quite clearly doesn't need or want friends. As a foreigner, I find the British attitude to making friends a bit odd, esp on MN. It's so grudging and suspicious.

It is like you are all out to immediately brand friends as " users" or "drama queens". Odd for a women's site which is supposed to foster connections.

FatAnkles · 05/09/2021 17:16

My dad and his sister (DA) are loners. I'm a loner too. I get on with people well enough but I don't open up that much with them. My mum is hyper-critical of me, so I've tried not to do that with my daughter. But it's left me with anxiety. I keep myself to myself a lit

SeriouslyISuppose · 05/09/2021 17:27

@MareofBeasttown

I don't think most of the posters in this thread want any friends if you don't actually want to ever meet them over coffee or drinks or dinner or anything! I mean, what else are friends supposed to do?

Which is fine. You can define your normal, if that is what you really want to do. But why then wistfully hanker after them? Hmm. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who quite clearly doesn't need or want friends. As a foreigner, I find the British attitude to making friends a bit odd, esp on MN. It's so grudging and suspicious.

It is like you are all out to immediately brand friends as " users" or "drama queens". Odd for a women's site which is supposed to foster connections.

I agree. There’s a deeply odd attitude to friendships which is widespread on this forum, and the version of friendship that people say they don’t want — descriptions of ‘friendships’ replete with fights, exclusions, demandingness, unrepaid loans, bitching, time-consuming dramas and hen parties etc — is not something I’ve ever encountered in my entire adult life, which has involved a lot of moves and making new friends. And there’s also a huge suspicion of opposite-sex friendships, which in my circles are both entirely normal and unproblematic.

I’m also fascinated by how so many of the people who don’t have friends are married.

@Flawedperfection, wanting friends would be a really bad reason to have children. A large power of the point of being a parent is training your children for an independent life.

MareofBeasttown · 05/09/2021 17:35

@SeriouslyISuppose the version of female friends I see on MN seems to be more like the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills than anything else! This is not to say that I haven't had friendships that have gone bad. Of course I have. I am nor giving up on making them though.
Maybe my DH is just not as interesting as some of your DH's :) After over a year of WFH, I would like to meet people other than him. And there are some things I can only discuss with other women.

EarPlugAfficionado · 05/09/2021 17:40

I’m like this and I suspect I’m on the spectrum to be honest.

CoRhona · 05/09/2021 17:53

@CoRhona

What is the difference between your DH irritating you and that not being the end of the relationship, and women who do and are then cut off?
@lovecup I'm interested in the answer to this, is there a specific reason?
LookAtMoiPloise · 05/09/2021 19:05

@EarPlugAfficionado

I’m like this and I suspect I’m on the spectrum to be honest.
Yes, me too.

I just find it so hard to connect with people; I've never really had more than one friend.

BiscuitLover09876 · 05/09/2021 19:10

Is there a particular reason you've started to question it?

The only thing I would say (and I know this sounds awful) but what will you do if when DH dies? I think it's important to keep people around you and build up a network if you can. Nothing false or over the top, but really do value ans be there for those you do see, such as your neighbours and parents of your children's friends. It might be good for you and your self esteem, but also protect you in the future, especially when they children have all grown up and gone.

I say this in the nicest way.

Original poster
Lovecup · 05/09/2021 19:23

@CoRhona

I’m not sure, i have made it abundantly clear to DH that I won’t put up with any shit, he knows I wouldn’t tolerate it. We don’t argue much, if he pisses me off I just retreat from him. Perhaps we aren’t as happy as I think. I feel indifferent to everything. I find I can switch off my feelings really easily.

OP posts: