Am I abnormal for not having close friends?

[Lovecup]

I don’t know where to start with this although I reckon the way I am I very largely linked to my upbringing.

My mother suffered with her nerves and was always unpredictable, had a quick temper and eventually descended into alcoholism. As a child I never knew how she’d be (either smothering me with love or screaming at me) so I developed a thick skin around myself and didn’t like getting too close to people.

I have married and have two beautiful children who we cherish and I have broken that horrible cycle of my upbringing. I’m now 50 and realise I have few friends though. My husband and I are happy and over the years we’ve been friendly with parents of the children, had nights out and even the odd holiday but I’ve never looked for close female friends, the type that you share everything with etc.

I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

We are friendly with our close neighbours and will BBQ and have each other over but that’s it. I look on FB (I have 500 ‘friends’ on there and I like them all) and all I see are groups of people getting together for birthdays, holidays etc especially now we are all older and children are off our hands. I’ve come to realise that I’m at fault, I’ve never made that effort to keep the friendships going, no fallings out just drifted away, when the kids were younger and we worked full time we never had the time to do it either but now they are grown we realise it mainly just DH and I.

Anyone else find they are the same. I know I am BU as I just don’t make the effort.

I def agree. I have a friend did everything with husband. You need your own interests.. I do meet friends. Tried keep work ones going but once I left it tended to fizzle out. Pity.

@Lovecup I think if you retreated from your female friends and then went back to them (like with your DH) you might find those friendships last too.

It's unreasonable to expect people may not (inadvertently) upset you at some point but it's where you cut them off that there's no going back from that.

I just think it's really interesting that you haven't done that in your marriage but you have with your friends.

@Lovecup I'm the same. I can switch off my feelings. I'm perfectly happy with DH and DCs. I've got a couple of people that I do consider to be close friends in that I can tell them absolutely anything without being judged.

But, we are planning on emigrating in the near future and I just don't think I'd miss these friends and DH says the same of his friends. We don't think we'd miss our respective families (DCs excepted) so are they really friends?

Sometimes I think both DH and I are psychopaths!

Sometimes I think both DH and I are psychopaths!

Don't be so dramatic! You mean sociopaths (JOKE ).

Friends and extended family can melt into the background a little when you have small children, I think. You also probably need to feel this way a bit to consider emigrating. Assuming emigrating is a good thing for you and your DCs, you will prioritise their well-being, so maybe that's why you've started to compartmentalise a bit.

Armchair psychology by Audrey 🧐. You are welcome.

@ChateauMargaux

Same here and I look at my Mum's life and think it is sad that she didn't keep friends and I wonder that despite having lots if friends that come and go, why my own friendships are not deep and long lasting.

I could have written this.

@Lovecup

This is the thing, I find with friends they keep wanting to ‘catch up’ over food or drinks and to be honest I can’t be bothered after working all day, I’m happy to go home, cook and chill with DH or on my own.

I know it’s me, I just don’t make the effort and without the effort you’ll get left behind.

This pretty much is friendship though. Not necessarily food and drinks, but regularly enjoying spending time together. If I don't look forward to spending an evening with someone, then they're not a friend.

I've learned though that getting close to people just isn't worth it and encourages them to have opinions about my lifestyle and choices.

This is what I think too. I do have one "best" friend from school who I don't see regularly as we live some distance apart, but we do share most things about each other's life. However having that type of relationship with one person is more than enough for me. My sister and her husband have a big group of couple friends and I would hate it. They're all privy to each other's business and all have opinions on it and I squirm at the thought of it and all the drama it inevitably invites. My sister is a bit of a drama Queen though so she thrives on it I'm intensely private so it would suit me. I should make more of an effort to cultivate more casual friendships though as I love big nights out/weekends away and don't really have anyone to do that with anymore as I've sort of let friendships fall away since having DC and moving from old friends.

If you're happy with your situation it's totally fine. If you're lonely though and would like that more intimate style of friendship then try to take steps to change things.

I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.

I'm exactly the same op. I could have written this apart from the bbqs with neighbours bit as we don't socialise with any of them. I used to have friends pre DS but they all melted away and now there's just the acquaintances at the school gates.
My upbringing was very similar.
Is it me? Not sure really. Maybe it's just life and people moving on. But like you, if I didn't have DH and DS, I'd have no one.

This is me at age 33, I have one friend who I have known since I was 4 we can go weeks without seeing each other tho. My other 'friends' are my neighbours who are younger than me and just so bitchy about each other. I just find it all hard work I'm very happy on my own and children of course, maybe to happy I must've been the only one who loved lockdown 😂🙈

@Lovecup

This is the thing, I find with friends they keep wanting to ‘catch up’ over food or drinks and to be honest I can’t be bothered after working all day, I’m happy to go home, cook and chill with DH or on my own.

I know it’s me, I just don’t make the effort and without the effort you’ll get left behind.

I feel like this too often especially after the last 18 months- there’s no mean feeling in it from my side but I literally just don’t have the energy and can’t face draining myself on it… it sounds awful I know but it’s often true. I think a lot of people are ‘needy’ in friendships; even as adults- I’m not one of them & I don’t have the motivation to pour energy into a friendship. I do with my marriage & family but I don’t get the same feelings about friendships. I sometimes think it’s not normal & wonder If I’ve not had the right friends - I used to feel let down by girlfriends in my late teen years often, I wonder if it’s because of that. Then I think well if you are happy it doesn’t matter! Whatever works for you. I have a friend who is very very needy; it’s exhausting and she has a circle of about 30 really good friends; she makes out that its her effort and she works really hard to maintain the friendships; I think actually it’s because she’s so needy that the load requires sharing and so she has enough people to ensure she’s never ‘alone’. Sometimes I think it must be nice to have such a big circle but then I think this neediness comes from a place of unhappiness actually xo

@Jojojo32 shame you aren’t my neighbour, think we’d get on great ha ha! X

I would say if you feel confused or uncomfortable about the situation it might be worth exploring in therapy. This might allow you (if you want to) to open up a bit more to let more close friendships into your life. Whether you feel that would be good or not might determine if therapy is necessary for you, but if there's any hurt or difficult feelings there I would say it is probably worth trying.

I'm the same. I have work friends, but other than one person with whom I walk the dog I don't see them socially.

Sort of stay in touch with a couple of people but don't see them. I'd love the sort of friendship where I could go out, really have someone to fall back on, phone, chat to about nothing etc - a "best" friend I suppose. I used to have that but our friendship survived me moving away with me putting lots of work in to come and visit, but then when I moved back and she moved away it dwindled to nothing.

“I’ve come to realise I’m the problem, I just don’t crave close friends so I never keep up the effort to remain in contact. I’m pretty cutthroat in as much as if anyone slights me or does something I’m not happy with I will simply drop contact, no drama or fuss but there’s never a second chance. I’m polite etc but will never chase people for friendship.”

^ that is exactly me too. Sometime I think it’s because I’m boundaries and won’t put up with crap I don’t like and other times I think I’m avoidant of conflict.

Also I’ve just tried to accept that I actual just don’t like a lot of people. I can’t stand small talk and the getting to know people stage.

@AudreyTattoo thanks for the analysis!

The DCs are older teens so we actually have more time now for friends and wider family.

I find that I just can't be bothered to make the effort to keep up friendships. The friends I have got are the type who aren't bothered in the least if we don't meet or even text for weeks or even months, it makes no difference to either of us. And yet we are actually very good friends.

These are the sort of friendships that work for me where there's no pressure to meet up or reply to texts which probably sounds very strange to most people.

I’m not the most extrovert person but I do enjoy friendships and like to meet up with people. I have one close best friend whom i speak to/text several times a week and then other friends of varying degrees of closeness-school and university friends, a group of Mum friends whom I met when my children were at primary school; work colleagues, etc. I’m not super-close to all of them, but I enjoy meeting up.

I agree that some friend groups have lots of drama and like the OP, I can’t tolerate that. Any hint of bitchiness/drama and I’ll quietly drop out a BB d stop making an effort with them. I’m 46 and far too old for that crap!

There are some really nice people out there, OP, but fair enough if you’re cotent as you are.

• and stop making an effort with them. Sorry, fat fingered typing.

You are perfectly normal(whatever normal means).i am just the same like you.I am not even on FB .I am friendly with people I meet on my dogwalks,but much prefer my animal company.I wasnt always like this,but a very abusive relationship(the partner had Borderline Personality Disorder),made me very weary of people.I am no very content with my peaceful life,artwork and company of dogs.I wish you all the best.

It’s probably a form of social anxiety for me, when I think about it carefully I realise that anxiety sets in the minute I get asked to go to an event or meet up. Or, I’m initially keen to go to something but as it creeps closer I find myself wishing i hadn’t agreed to it.
I’m not really the best type of person to be friends with, I’m happy, polite, caring etc but let me be like it from a distance. How strange I am…

I now exactly how this feels.I sort of quite enjoy go to an event(I can do small talk quite well),but the minute I am home,I feel relieved and "glad" the event is over.Or,like you,I wish before the event,I had not agreed to go.It is nice to read,there are other women like me.I also think,the lockdown reinforced my introvert life.I dont think,we are strange,just different and thats special I like to believe.

@Lovecup

I’m definitely over sensitive, hence the dropping of people if they do something that I don’t like. I do my best to be a nice person but no doubt I probably irritate people at times. I recognise the need to try and be less perfectionist about things.

For instance, we were in a friendship group of parents many years ago when the children were small. I had an issue with a particular teacher so dealt with it via the school, one of the parents really didn’t like this and the next thing I was dropped like a stone by them all.

None of this bothered me though, I just don’t grieve the loss of people, I just think ‘their loss’. I’m probably cold and heartless really, keep people at arms length.

I don’t think suddenly dropping friends is “doing your best to be a nice person” to be honest. It’s good that you weren’t bothered when it happened to you, but others would be very hurt by that behaviour. You can still maintain boundaries and not be treated like a mug without causing others pain.

I do wish I had a friend though. I wish I had someone to be daft with, have a laugh with.

My husband is quite serious and moody, only gets enjoyment from life when it’s going exactly how he wants it (ie no kids playing up or having to do adult things).

So I’m just really lonely. It hits me when say, the baby took her first steps or one of the children. does well at school. I’ve honestly got no one to tell. I take a cute photo of dc and once I’ve shown my husband, that’s it.

My worries, victories, thoughts just stay in my head so it’s lonely. I’ve always been this way though, I had awful parents and I was bullied all the way through school.

I’d love someone just to have fun with!

@BillyJoe111

I do wish I had a friend though. I wish I had someone to be daft with, have a laugh with.

My husband is quite serious and moody, only gets enjoyment from life when it’s going exactly how he wants it (ie no kids playing up or having to do adult things).

So I’m just really lonely. It hits me when say, the baby took her first steps or one of the children. does well at school. I’ve honestly got no one to tell. I take a cute photo of dc and once I’ve shown my husband, that’s it.

My worries, victories, thoughts just stay in my head so it’s lonely. I’ve always been this way though, I had awful parents and I was bullied all the way through school.

I’d love someone just to have fun with!

You will have to overcome the scripts from your childhood and go out and make that friend, though. I hear you on bad early experiences — my parents are both total loners, not really by choice, but I don’t think my father is neurotypical, and my mother goes around the place befriending people who are ill, unlucky, disliked and being their shoulder to cry on, with no comprehension as to why they ignore her unless they need her for something, and school was wretched — but it is possible to overcome those early impressions/lessons with effort.

@BiilyJoe111
💐💐

@SeriouslyISuppose I have no trouble making acquaintances. It just never goes any deeper. Mainly because people already have friends.
I met a lovely group of people where I used to live but they would tell me stories of their nights out etc. I used to invite them to come out with me but it was always that they would love to but they were so busy with friends.

I think once you are in your 30s/40s, many people already have friends. I’ve been outright told before “oh I already have so many friends I don’t have time for, I don’t need more” when I’ve tried to get closer to people, or invite them places.

So it’s not like I was bullied and I find it hard - It’s not me that was ever the problem, it was them.