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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be primary caregiver?

751 replies

ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 08:31

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

OP posts:
Franklydear · 05/09/2021 18:55

@niugboo is right, as there’s no default parent, so yes, every time we have to decide who has to do what, and sometimes is not convenient for anyone, other times makes sense who should do it, just need to be sure that one day your partner won’t say, you know what? your job/life is less important

DanceItOut · 05/09/2021 18:56

Some people manage 50/50. Does your DH manage to go 50/50 on all the household duties you have? If so then you’re off to a good start and hopefully will be able to do the same with kids. Nurseries and childminders take kids very young so you don’t have to be off for a year. Some women go back to work around 5-6 weeks after giving birth after having their postnatal check up and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you DH leaves you to do the lions share of the housework and cooking etc then chances are you will also end up with the lions share of the child rearing. My husband and I had an unplanned pregnancy very early into our relationship and years before I married him (though we are now separated) he wouldn’t know what to do looking after a child even if they did come with manuals. I think he only changed one nappy with DC1 and none with DC2. Let alone being left to look after them alone. However, this failure to contribute anything except his wages to our family is also one of the main reasons that he no longer lives here so DHs out there should be warned that if they don’t want to do their share they are not irreplaceable.

DanceItOut · 05/09/2021 18:58

Also I agree with @bogoffmda while parenting may or may not be and even split engagement is important. I will never forget the only time their dad came to collect them from school with me. They were so excited to see him.

jennytogether · 05/09/2021 18:59

Hi. We share parenting 50/50 now my daughter is 3. Before that I was the primary care giver for the first 6 months (although my partner was very hands on) and then it switched to me being back at work 4 days a week once she could start weaning, and he took on 3 days childcare, and she had 1 day at nursery. This evolved through weird Covid times to our current arrangement where we both work 30 hours a week (plus a bit) with some preschool and grandparents and evening working involved!

Honestly if you’re breastfeeding it’s hard not to be the primary parent, at least to start with, and I kept breastfeeding until she was 2 at night… so I was sort of mostly the one on call at nights.

But after breastfeeding, or when you’re transitioning to food, it’s definitely possible to split it more evenly.

The only things that get in the way in my opinion is pre-conceived sexist ideas about women’s and men’s roles.

I include with this the pay gap too… too many times men are just earning more which makes it difficult to sacrifice that salary.

This also means that if you are the main earner (like I am) maternity pay is total bollocks and is a massive pay cut. And if your partner is self employed you have no option to switch to parental leave.

Anyway, it’s definitely possible! And I felt like you. And I’m a good and loving mum to my daughter. I also just happened to make room for my partner to have this experience too, which we thought was the best thing we could offer her. Two equal parents. Xx

sst1234 · 05/09/2021 18:59

@Leedsfan247

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???
One could argue that there is no point in having a brain if you are not going to use it. Yet you still have one - presumably.
Carpedimum · 05/09/2021 19:01

Apologies, I’ve not RTWT, I’ve just pitched up to say don’t make hard decisions either way because you don’t know how you’ll feel down the line. I didn’t think I wanted kids, had a fantastic career, became pregnant & arranged FT childcare for ASAP. Then I fell deeply in love with my child & it was so unexpected. I stayed at home for over 18 months (single parent). I did miss work & I was bored being a FT mum. Compromised to a P/T role, very lucky to find the ‘right’ job, ‘right’ employer, plenty of income. When he went to secondary school, I changed career again & went FT. I have no regrets.

Franklydear · 05/09/2021 19:03

@DanceItOut is right, my dh is completely opposite to hers, he still lives here, before dc he would clean, cook, and facilitate my life as much as I did his, so when dc arrived nothing changed, he kept cleaning and cooking, just added childcare to the list of jobs

elbea · 05/09/2021 19:04

It doesn’t need to be breastfeeding 100% or nothing. I expressed milk for my daughter whilst she was at nursery and when my husband was watching her. If you have some good hands free pumps it’s easy enough. I’d built up enough expressed milk in the freezer and the fridge that there was always some available.

IM0GEN · 05/09/2021 19:06

@DifferentHair

My DH and I went '50/50' this year.

In find in reality he takes on 50% of the childcare but maybe 20% of the housework and almost none of the mental load/life administration, which is substantial as we have a child with additional needs.

I'd be careful before agreeing to go 50/50. I thought it would solve my problems but it didn't.

You need to listen to this poster OP. In fact everything woman who is TTC needs to read it.
sst1234 · 05/09/2021 19:09

Why does OP (and every ttc woman) need to listen to one particular poster? Do they share the same husband?

ERFFER · 05/09/2021 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Recessed · 05/09/2021 19:10

I do agree niugboo there was a female couple at my DDs preschool and I remember looking at them wistfully so many times longing to have what they had. I was really struggling with my husband not pulling his weight and had become so disillusioned with men to the extent I wished I was gay! They were so "together" everything was shared and they were so chill and never frazzled as there was so much support in their relationship.

Christmasfairy2020 · 05/09/2021 19:11

Well when 2 days after having a baby and all you wanna do is cry as hormones are everywhere. You have a fat belly and afterpains. Heavy blood loss for 6 weeks. Your breasts hurt and go rock hard (unless you bf). Your fanny us sore if you cut etc. Your absolutely knackered from the birth, baby waking up, been scared to sleep incase baby needs you. I really don't see why you would want to go back for at least 6-8 weeks. If you don't want to be in the house looking after baby then you share leave?

Tigger1895 · 05/09/2021 19:12

I hear you and respect your decision but until you have the baby you won’t know how you will really feel. You may be happy to stay home for as long as possible or decide to return quickly. Don’t make a decision you may regret until after you give birth.

Ginandcrispsarebliss · 05/09/2021 19:12

When my Daughter was born, 14 years ago I went back to work FT when she was 6 months old. She was in a lovely nursery and very happy/settled. My husband took 2 weeks off when she was born. I had to return to work because of our mortgage.

I was lucky to fall pregnant again and we had a little boy. When he was born i passed on an infection and a few days later he died. Our Daughter was 2 at the time and we were devastated that life would be so cruel. I decided that I would not return to work and was a stay at home parent. We went from 50/50 to me being the primarily carer and it was the best decision we made. We could just afford to live on one wage but we decided to downsize and move to a different town. We went on to have two more boys and when my youngest started school I went back to work PT. My youngest is 10 and for something so life changing it gave me a different prospective on our lives.

Elfblossom · 05/09/2021 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Rachand23 · 05/09/2021 19:16

You are coming in from a very clinical point of view - just be aware having children usually will bring out such nurturing loving feelings that will completely overwhelm you and take you by surprise! Is a love that is completely different from the love you have for your partner.

Bearseatbeets · 05/09/2021 19:19

I think you sound very sane and sensible. Having babies is HARD. I thought i would be desperate to be a SAHM but actually I find being a Mum really tough. I adore my kids but I don’t adore being a Mum. I’m very lucky that things are definitely 50/50 over here, my husband is amazing, but I knew he would be before we started trying for babies.

I think you can be a great mum without giving up who you are and the things you care about, as long as you make sure you make provision for someone to fill the gaps. I’ve felt judged for working 4 days a week at times, but my son has been in nursery, having great experiences and tons of stimulation that I know I wouldn’t be able to give him on my own. And then on the days I AM with him, I feel able to give him more because I’m fulfilled from having my own life and interests. It takes all sorts OP, don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong to want this

LoisLane66 · 05/09/2021 19:19

You either want to be a mother, or you don't and part of that means being the primary caregiver. Why foist your tiny baby or young child onto a nursery, which effectively means that you don't see your child unfold into the young person they eventually become when most of their day is spent with strangers.
Why have children if you don't want to care for them.
Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave, besides which there is the issue of breast feeding and bonding
It's a well known fact that when children OR adults are in trouble or hurt or need reassurance, the first person they seek out is their mother. People cry 'I want my mum'. That's how important we are.
65" TVs, second cars, foreign holidays and fancy furnishings don't even come close to the love you have for and receive from a child. It's a wonderful feeling, unmatched by anything else in life.

sst1234 · 05/09/2021 19:20

Wow, reading this, there are so many indecisive women who turn to a stereotypical hormonal mush when they have a baby. So much so, that they change their entire life and career plans. In real life, people appear to know what they want and largely stick to it.

Recessed · 05/09/2021 19:21

just be aware having children usually will bring out such nurturing loving feelings that will completely overwhelm you and take you by surprise! Is a love that is completely different from the love you have for your partner.

Also be aware that this most definitely is not the case for many many women! My children grew on me over time, there was no overwhelm of instant love. Same for many women I know IRL so don't buy into that wholesale as it may not be the case for you and that's completely ok.

sst1234 · 05/09/2021 19:23

@LoisLane66

You either want to be a mother, or you don't and part of that means being the primary caregiver. Why foist your tiny baby or young child onto a nursery, which effectively means that you don't see your child unfold into the young person they eventually become when most of their day is spent with strangers. Why have children if you don't want to care for them. Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave, besides which there is the issue of breast feeding and bonding It's a well known fact that when children OR adults are in trouble or hurt or need reassurance, the first person they seek out is their mother. People cry 'I want my mum'. That's how important we are. 65" TVs, second cars, foreign holidays and fancy furnishings don't even come close to the love you have for and receive from a child. It's a wonderful feeling, unmatched by anything else in life.
Oh dear. Only if all those women who fought for decades to be more than stay at home mothers could read this. There is so much wrong with this regressive view, wouldn’t know where to start. Who needs patriarchy to hold you back when you have women like these.
ChequerBoard · 05/09/2021 19:27

"Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave, besides which there is the issue of breast feeding and bonding"

Christ on a bike - some women will never be happy until we are all weaving our own baby clothes in the republic of Gilead.

Seriously - can't you see what you are perpetuating here? It's perfectly possible for women to have good careers and either out-earn or earn on parity with their partners. Why shouldn't both parents take equally amounts of parental leave and share responsibility for raising their children?

bemusedmoose · 05/09/2021 19:27

If you don't want to be primary care giver then you really need to consider not having kids. Because you could find yourself primary care giver from day one, through split, illness, death, child with disabilities.. Either way if you really don't want to be there for a child all the time it may not be right to have one because it could be that you have to be the primary care giver and you will absolutely hate it.

Also instead of thinking about dashing back to work asap - think about the child that doesn't get to be at home or have a primary carer. Yes there are nurseries and day care - but if you don't actually really want to be with them all the time then maybe it isn't fair to bring them into the world. Why have them if you don't want to be primary care giver?

Im not meaning to bash anyone just that there are many views to look at, not just your own. Most importantly the kids.

SkinnyMirror · 05/09/2021 19:29

You either want to be a mother, or you don't and part of that means being the primary caregiver.

Nope

Why foist your tiny baby or young child onto a nursery, which effectively means that you don't see your child unfold into the young person they eventually become when most of their day is spent with strangers.

Wrong

Why have children if you don't want to care for them.

Wrong again

Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave

Maybe spend some time unpicking this .....

besides which there is the issue of breast feeding and bonding

Not all women breastfeed

It's a well known fact that when children OR adults are in trouble or hurt or need reassurance, the first person they seek out is their mother. People cry 'I want my mum'.

That's how important we are.

Dads are just as important.

65" TVs, second cars, foreign holidays and fancy furnishings don't even come close to the love you have for and receive from a child. It's a wonderful feeling, unmatched by anything else in life.

I don't think anyone would disagree.
Are you suggesting that women who work are just working for luxuries?