To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

In France maternity leave is 13 weeks. But the system works.

How does it work? Not a snarky question I'm just curious as I'm not familiar with the French system and that seems really outdated and unlikely to be in a child's best interests. Is childcare for babies mostly in state funded nurseries? What's the ratio of carer to child?

I'm all for mother's keeping their careers if that's what they want but the system in most countries needs to change to allow that to happen without it being so contentious. The reason it's contentious is not just patriarchal judgement of mothers (although that's definitely a huge factor) but I think many people genuinely believe it's not good for tiny infants to be in a group care setting. It's then such an emotive topic that women understandably get defensive and start battling each other instead of working together to bring about change/better conditions for all women and mostly for their babies so the system works to the benefit of all in society instead of dividing women who - considering they do the vast amount of the work in bringing up the next generation -really don't need anymore judgment in this world!

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???

@Leedsfan247

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???

Should the vast majority men who are not the main care giver not have children then?

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???

It's a wonder no one asks men that since the majority of them do the bare minimum. My STBXH did practically nothing with ours day to day - Billy big balls was much too busy and important with his Billy big balls job - yet he wanted DC more than I did. To my knowledge no one has ever asked him why, except me.

Well in theory my DH and I are 50/50. We both work the same amount of hours and juggle childcare around that but in reality I am the person that carries the mental load. I remember all the shit, I can get him to share stuff but only if I actively delegate it to him which is basically dealing with it myself anyway and I’m also the person who deals with anything emotional which is incredibly draining and makes me feel like I have more on my shoulders. Our friends would probably say we have the most equal split of all our immediate circle but there’s a lot of mental load that goes with having kids and I don’t think anyone is really aware of it before they get pregnant!

@Leedsfan247

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???

Pretty sure OP is looking to share parenting?

She didn't suggest she was putting the child up for adoption.

I don’t blame you OP. I didn’t want to be the primary caregiver. I have ended up the primary caregiver and despite loving my children to the ends of the earth it’s a source of great upset and disappointment for me. My husband knows it and I know it amd we need to work something out because I can’t continue like this much longer. But changing out situation means planning and time…. 😟

I don’t know any couples who aren’t disproportionately sharing child-responsibility with the emphasis being on the mother….

Going to add a slightly different angle.

My sister is married to a woman. They have two boys. My sister has birthed both. IVF. One is genetically hers. One is genetically her wife’s.

Once she went back to work they absolutely split it 50/50. This idea that you can’t is completely linked to inbred sexism. And as women we continue it.

For the first years she was primary caregiver because she was on maternity leave. She had intended to return to work after 6 months but decided it was completely impractical still. Babies still not sleeping through etc. So she took a year for both.

I think reading your post your potentially not realistic about the impact of having an infant and the time it takes to adjust.

But beyond that you should be able to split it.

Having said that, it’s a major stress. No primary carer means every single thing is a battle. Who takes time off work. Who’s work is more important. Who has the most deadlines. Etc etc.

I work. My DH is the SAHD & primary caregiver. It works well for us. DH is happier out of the rat race. It’s been a godsend through the pandemic with school & bubble closures as I worked throughout.

It's absolutely not impossible to have a 50/50, parenting. In the UK you have to take 2 weeks off once the baby is born, but now there is shared parental leave so whilst you are entitled to take up to a year off on maternity leave you could spilt that with your other half. I went back to work part time from 7 months with mine and we have the more traditional set up, but my sister started a full-time apprenticeship at 4months Post partum and my bil was a sahd for a couple of years they both now work full-time. It's just a case of juggling the childcare with what works for you. You may find you do want to go back FT after having a kid but equally you may find that you want to only work PT. Neither is wrong

I work full-time. DH is primary care giver. I started a job I loved and he hated his. The only issue is school ringing me rather than him because they ignore him as being first contact. I think people are more accepting now that life isn't two parents with a SAHM and a working Dad. Oh...although someone in Social Services thought he was a single parent struggling. We then got a visit from them and they thought I was (I kid you not) his "fancy piece" so sent someone more senior round who then realized our house was covered in our Wedding Pics from years ago 😂😂😂

@Leedsfan247

What’s the point of having kids if you don’t want to be a parent???

At what point has the OP says she didn't want to be a parent?

I took 6 months’ leave when our DC was born and my (male) partner took 6 months. We both work full time but I work longer hours and have more responsibility at work. Our DC is in nursery (and loves it) and my partner does all the drop offs and pick ups. I have never encountered any open criticism even though in our baby group we have the full range from long term SAHMs to me.

I do more of the emotional load eg I still sorted out nursery and do all of the comms with them even though I’m rarely physically there, I order all clothes, sort out medical appointments etc. But he does more of the physical childcare.

It is unusual in our social group to find couples who split it this way but we are certainly not unique. My partner grew up in a household where his father did more of the childcare so I think he just sees it as normal. And he’s not someone who was desperate to stay at home with children as some of my male friends are - he just accepts that it’s not reasonable that I should have to do it all.

I'm the secondary care giver. My husband works part time/freelance and I work full time in a very demanding role. He does the bulk of the childcare!

I haven't read all the previous posts as there are so many but can I just say nowhere in your original post do you mention the most important thing of all. Love, love for that darling child when and if you are lucky enough to be blessed will make it obvious to you just how things will work. Child rearing for a stay at home mum is hard work. Child rearing for a working mum is also hard work. You can share responsibility but do please take into account that you are going to love this little scrap more than life. The rest will work itself out.

[quote ttcissoboring]@Zarene yes apologies I should have out in original post I completely am happy with being primary initially and yes I would like to breastfeed so I am happy to take that one on the chin! And if that makes going back to work tricky then I would either push back a bit or mix bottle and breast. [/quote]
It was only 6 months maternity leave when I had my babies, breastfed both exclusively, including pumping when I returned to work, so it's perfectly possible.

Honestly having them start nursery at 5/6 months old was great, they took to it really easily, as separation anxiety tends to kick in around 8/9 months so they knew the nursery carers really well by then. We had very few tears when I dropped them off (in fact it was often a sign they were under the weather if they didn't trot happily into nursery) and both started pre-school and school with no difficulties. I know 12 months mat leave sounds lovely in some ways, but I'm not 100% convinced it's good for babies if you are then going back to work. I wasn't a rigid routine based parent, didn't sleep train, in fact they coslept and I used slings a lot.

As for doing 50/50 on the parenting, well that's not impossible, and as long as you discuss it with your partner and they are fully onboard with being 50% involved with all aspects of parenting (boobs aside ) there's no reason at all that all the weight has to be taken by you.

@RedHelenB

Nurseries and childminders will take babies from a couple of weeks if you want to go straight back to work.

That makes me feel sad.

This is such an individual thing and very much dependant on you and your partner.
What do you both do? Are you both in a position to work through with sleepless nights.
I took 6 months off with my first finishing work the week before I gave birth and 9 months off woth my second finishing 3 weeks before giving birth.
During my mat leave I did the majority of feeds in the night after I had stopped breastfeeding
After I went back we shared nights thankfully they were both mainly sleeping through by the time I returned.
We share much of the childcare which includes home life. I actually do the majority of actual childcare amd child admin but my DH does a lot of house work admin so it balances out.
We both have time away from home from overnights to weeks away where the other does it all.
You need to have open and honest conversation about how family life will work for you. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you need to make it work as a family unit

I haven't read the rest of the thread but my DH would count as the primary caregiver in that he doesn't work and is at home with our children. I work full time and went back at 3 months. I managed to breastfeed for a year by expressing so it is possible but hard. The biggest challenge now is trying to do half of the parenting while working full time but that's pressure I put on myself as I don't want to be a remote parent.

@ttcissoboring special needs child in secondary, both parents fully involved, dropping of hours, doctor appointments, the school calls falls on the parent with easier transport/ less stable job/ less loss of earnings etc... not a given that my chromosomes make me primary carer, but you need to be both in the same page for it to work

I went back to work 5 weeks after an emergency section. I couldn’t afford to be off. Only 3 days but I work 12 hour shifts so pretty much full time straight away

50/50 from 6 months here, nursery 2 days a week, fixed hours at work for both parents (probably cost some promotion) but no regrets. Maybe everything wasn’t done the way I would’ve done it, but if you can accept that (and it was all perfectly safe, maybe just less instagram worthy!) it’s a perfectly reasonable way for two adults to work

@niugboo
I loved seeing this insight. Thank you.
It is inbred sexism and yes…. Women perpetuate it as much as men do.

I dont know if anyone has mentioned this yet (I’ve only read the first page of the thread). I have heard that you can now split the maternity leave so that both parents get to have time off with a newborn. It’s been a while since I had my last child (youngest is nearly 6) so I don’t know if this was actually brought in by the government.

Being a parent is not just about being able to work - it is so much more - the love, the caring, the turning up to school performances, the laughs, the telling off, the planning etc.

No one gets to divide that neatly down the middle and say 50/50 - one does more of one thing than another and less of something else. However, someone is central command - male or female -does not matter which but someone is.

My Ex was fairly fecking useless for 3 yrs age of eldest 6-9. Never did a thing at school, never turned up to matches plays etc. I bust my balls to get to everyone - sneaking in late, getting there early etc. The day I took EX ( he had split up with his DP a few days before) to the DCS school show ( both in it) is a memory I treasure. I told Ex to watch for them, they will be looking for eye contact and do a subtle thumbs up do not wave. The smiles of shock and pleasure are etched in my brain, as they registered me and then him sitting beside me.

It matters to the kids that both parents are engaged and both parents care. It is not a competition or an equality contest - you just have to make it work for you and them.

Sorry this smacks of wokery gone mad. We can not escape our biology but how we manage our lives is up to us and those we share them with.