To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

@bemusedmoose

If you don't want to be primary care giver then you really need to consider not having kids. Because you could find yourself primary care giver from day one, through split, illness, death, child with disabilities.. Either way if you really don't want to be there for a child all the time it may not be right to have one because it could be that you have to be the primary care giver and you will absolutely hate it.

Also instead of thinking about dashing back to work asap - think about the child that doesn't get to be at home or have a primary carer. Yes there are nurseries and day care - but if you don't actually really want to be with them all the time then maybe it isn't fair to bring them into the world. Why have them if you don't want to be primary care giver?

Im not meaning to bash anyone just that there are many views to look at, not just your own. Most importantly the kids.

Is this just aimed at women?

Women who believe that women are or should be primary caregivers and therefore should just work on this premise from the start are mostly setting a bad example for their own daughters. They will see an example of a mother who had a low bar and regressive view and believe that theirs will be the same fate so why try to be anything other than a primary caregiver. For all the talk of ‘being there’ for your children, women with these views are doing most damage to their own daughters. Classic case of unintended consequences.

@SkinnyMirror I think it is

This is a very complex topic…I was like you before I had my child. Once I had her I didn’t want to be away from her. It changed me. I did go back to work and now working full time but she’s my priority and I now get annoyed as my husband’s work is more flexible and allows him to spend more time with her. Be open-minded about work when you have a child or don’t your choice. I would only make sure that you share the load with your partner and don’t be the one that does all school drop-offs, pickups, half terms etc.

With my third, it is currently 50/50. Baby is 5 months old. We have our own business and I work from home so it’s easier to do and possible around breastfeeding. I think if I had to work 40 hours a week away from her I would end up being the primary caregiver instead but definitely with the flexibility we have with work it works well.

50/50 is amazing, my mental health is so much better this time and she’s such a smiley happy baby which I think is because we are so happy and the load is shared.

Although Most women I know are the primary caregiver, it’s becoming very common for the other partner to do a lot.

I have always felt a strong drive to be physically around the baby in the first year or so, and it’s hard to predict how you will feel so it may be harder to do in the first year.

It's not inevitable. There are many different types of domestic set up. My mum went back to work when I was a couple of months old and my dad was a stay at home dad. It was quite unusual in the 80s but it worked for our family. You mention going back to work when you're physically able but it's not just physical - you'll need to consider when you're mentally/emotionally able to. Like it or not you might find it hard to leave the baby (or alternatively you might be desperate to!). It can be hard to go back to work quickly after becoming a mother. If you're breastfeeding you'll probably be very sleep deprived.

I think it depends on your partner. Mine is very hands on with our first I took 6 months and then he took 6. He did all the weening etc and has a fab relationship with the kids.

[quote Franklydear]@SkinnyMirror I think it is[/quote]
How depressing

@SkinnyMirror very depressing, I've scaped the stereotype, so it is doable, two hands on parents, go figure

Isn’t this a conversation to have with your husband? Does he want to do 50/50 parenting? Are you both happy for you to return to work after, say, 3 months? Does he want to drop down to 3 days a week like you?

If “yes”, then great; you have your answer.

I don't understand all these posters suggesting the OP should avoid having children!
OP, I felt the same way as you do before I had children, I wanted to make sure my husband and I would be equal partners in parenting in the same way that we had been equal partners in everything else until then, housework, finances, etc. We discussed having children and I made my position clear, he agreed. I am happy to say it has all worked out so far. I took 6 months off from work, and my husband took 6 months after me. When our baby was 1 year old they went to nursery and they thankfully love it. My husband and I continue to split everything, we don't do the exact same things (I tend to do some tasks more than him and he does other tasks more than me) but the overall split is 50/50. We need to be flexible and keep commutating, so if one has an extra busy week at work the other one does more, etc. It probably also helps that we earn roughly the same amount. So it can definitely work and I love our dynamic, but I would strongly suggest you discuss this and have everything clear with your DH first (if I understood correctly you said he is "implying" it would be equal), since clear communication and not proceeding on assumptions is key in my view. Good luck!

I do hope you discussed this with your husband before getting pregnant.

My husband and I work a 4 on 4 off rotating pattern on his days at work I'm the primary care giver and on my days at work he's the primary care giver it sucks for having couple time together but it works for childcare etc for us and it makes you more grateful for the time you do end up spending together as a couple. With my ex I was primry care giver all the time even though I was the one working full time and I'm disabled etc

You absolutely can share the responsibility 50/50 with the child's other primary caregiver i.e. the father but the father has to be on board.

Things that helped me achieve that:

1. Picking the right man to have a baby with. Ensuring he was willing to be a true equal partner in the parenting and didn't have any expectations of his life continuing while mine changed completely.

2. Shared parental leave. We did six months each.

3. Breast and bottle feeding. I'd breastfeed most of the time, DH would give DC a bottle when he was doing the night shift. With formula (pumping was such a hassle).

4. Sharing the night feeds etc equally, from the off. I slept 10pm-2am, he slept 2am-morning. Every night. No matter who was back at their job by then.

5. Both of us taking time to go out with friends, leaving the baby with the other one of us. From a few weeks old I was heading out in the evenings to do fun things with my friends, while DH looked after DC (bottles of formula on hand if they got hungry). The baby was completely happy and equally comforted by us both. We were both able to continue to enjoy our lives outside of being parents.

6. Seeing our jobs as equally valuable. If DC is sick and can't go to school, we share taking time off work to look after them. We share school drop off and pick up.

7. Sharing the mental load. We both wash clothes, cook the food, change the bedding, get the child's vaccines booked, take them to Dr appointments, take them to the dentist, to get their feet measured... none of the jobs are MY job, they are shared. We achieve this by talking about what needs to be done and dividing up the tasks.

It works for us, we are so happy with this set up, but I appreciate that this would not work for all. I never wanted to replace my identity with 'mother' and thought, it must be possible to enjoy being a parent, love your child, without having to completely sacrifice yourself to it. It IS possible!!

Some hope for you here I guess! My husband do 50:50 here (or if I'm really honesty he does more than 50%). My DH always did more than 50% of chores (embarrassingly I recognise myself in a lot of the husbands I hear about on MN, but society keeps me on the right track).
In the beginning I was primary carer because of breastfeeding, but I started work around 7/8 months both times (while continuing to breastfeed for 2+ years) and things started shifting around that time when he started parental leave. When we had first kid he dropped to 4 days. I only did so after the 2nd kid (as I was a bit jealous of his relationship with first kid). I am also now the first one transitioning back to full time.
And we do share most things. He does drop offs, I do pick ups. Sick days are shared depending on our work calendars. He is more likely to notice shoes are too small (as he dresses them in the morning). He spends more time playing with them (as he loves playing and I hate it) while I am more likely to plan a trip (as I love planning). Clothes washing is whoever spots its first. Kitchen cleaning is more likely to be him! And we have a cleaner once a week that helps (me feel less guilty about all the cleaning he does). If I have to e.g. go to hospital in an emergency (as I have had to do before) I have not even a single worry about him taking care of the kids and the care they would get (though would worry for the load he would be bearing of course). I know it would just flow seamlessly for them.
So from where I am, it is definitely possible.
Good luck! Go into it with the expectation that it is possible and expect nothing less. If you expect and accept less, then that's what you will get.

It’s totally realistic to share it 50/50 or DH do more and I do know couples like this. It’s a matter between you and your dh.
Just be prepared to have an open mind though, and leave your options open in case when dc are here your feelings change.

You can definitely do 50/50 but check your maternity policy at work if you have one as they don’t always allow husbands / partners shared maternity leave. I was paid for 9 months maternity leave (not full but a percentage) but my partner would have had to do it unpaid so we didn’t split it. I wish it was common place so we both had good bonding time but it isn’t. Now I have 60 days holiday to use so doing 3 days a week until the end if the year… I want to use it up as it would be crazy not to (work to live and all that..) and I love being a mum HOWEVER having such a long time off plus being “part time” now will affect my career. I’m taking it on the chin thinking in 5 years time I’d rather have my family than be a step higher career wise (but it’s sad this day and age we still feel like we have to make this choice). Plus I know I’ll graft my ass off to get where I wanna be when I’m ready. It’s tough but unlike some European countries who want new dads to bond - we aren’t there yet. Breastfeeding is great but means that it isn’t 50/50 as you get up and do all the night feeds etc. I don’t regret breastfeeding but it was a shock to see how tired and worn out I became…no family nearby. I needed the maternity leave in the end as I was a zombie! Hopefully if you do decide to have kids you’ll have a better sleeper than I did.

Ignore anyone saying not to have kids - you can’t control everything and you and your partner could split up, get ill, a million other bad things could happen… for most couples though it’s about communication with your partner all the way through so you share as much as is possible. We don’t have to be the housekeeper and mum of the 60s - we will forge our own path - so be the mum that shows the others what a modern loving family relationship looks like :-)

I returned to work ft when my DD was 3 months old. DH was her ft carer until she started high school. It was simple economics, I had the better salary. It worked for us.

@ttcissoboring

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. You do what’s best for you and your family. I personally had 8 months off. My sil went back after 4 for financial reasons.

Tbh, as much as I love my son, I felt happy to feel like me again, and be ‘a person’ instead of ‘mum.’ These thoughts and feelings don’t make anyone a bad person, just human.

Although I'd say I am the primary caregiver, my partner and I have managed to make things more equal. I work 4 days a week and am fortunate to be able to work around his rota, so a couple of days a week DD is at nursery, a couple of days home with Dad and 3 days home with me. Also when it comes to sickness, I made it clear that it will not always be me taking the day off work when this happens, my job is just as important, so although it is more often me, we do share the sick days!

Why are you considering children to only put them in care of someone else (nursery)?

@ShimmyYay

Why are you considering children to only put them in care of someone else (nursery)?

Have you even read any of the OP's posts??

For many people 50/50 is not realistic, because jobs that give you flexibility are generally lower paying. So many families end up with "main wage earner", who is higher paid and can be fully committed to work, do the unpaid overtime etc, and "second earner" who needs very specific hours to fit around school hours and tends to be the one who takes time off when kids are ill. Where parents are genuine 50/50 it tends to be they are both in low paid jobs or run their own business or have some other set up that allows them more flexibility than traditional jobs.

I do know families where the woman is main earner and the man does more childcare. A common issue is that the man does not do housework and the woman then spends her weekends doing laundry and cleaning. Obviously it shouldn't be like that but I'd suggest you agree clear expectations early on.

@Christmasfairy2020

Well when 2 days after having a baby and all you wanna do is cry as hormones are everywhere. You have a fat belly and afterpains. Heavy blood loss for 6 weeks. Your breasts hurt and go rock hard (unless you bf). Your fanny us sore if you cut etc. Your absolutely knackered from the birth, baby waking up, been scared to sleep incase baby needs you. I really don't see why you would want to go back for at least 6-8 weeks. If you don't want to be in the house looking after baby then you share leave?

Yup, that just about sums it up and the reason you stay..... you've fallen in love.

You sound very selfish OP. Sorry, not sorry. I tried very hard to have children but couldn’t. I’d have been very delighted to bring my children into the world with the traditional nurturing a mother brings. I would suggest you reassess your situation and consider yourself privileged to give birth to the next generation. Following your return to work (when baby is fully weaned) I would expect DH to share childcare 50/50. But there are things only mothers can do in the early days.