To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

[quote ChequerBoard]@myheartskippedabeat what's wrong with wanting a career and children? Why are you so determined OP can't have both? Plenty of us do, quite successfully thanks.

I really detest women trying to keep other women down. Just because you have no ambition other than being a full time mother that doesn't mean everyone else has to do the same.

Both DH and I have worked throughout my children's lives. I'm the main breadwinner and always have been. No nannies ever either, not needed as DH and I have always balanced the childcare arrangements between us. Two well adjusted, happy, successful teenagers here, one just off to Uni next week.[/quote]
I agree that women should be able to make choices and also have as much right to have a career as men and to choose who does the bulk of the childcare or whether to balance it between them.

I agree that women shouldn't put other women down about those choices. Equally, though, you shouldn't put other women down and make assumptions that they have no ambition because they choose to spend time as full time mothers because it suits their family situation. Remember that not all women have supportive partners.

I was a full time mother for a time but retrained to do something else that works better for me as I'm now self employed. It's unfair to say I had no ambition and that kind of unkind swipes at SAHMs feeds into the binary narrative that you dislike so much.

I dislike it too so I don't slag off WOTH mothers.

Surely what we should be aspiring for is choices. What would be better for ALL women is if we stopped being so defensive about our choices so that we attack each other and we focus on making things better for everyone. So making workplaces more family friendly, so that men and women could be more involved in childcare if they wanted to. Having better quality childcare.

Things will never improve until we spend less time attacking each other and more time attacking barriers to (some) women in the workplace.

It would be nice if those of you who made it under difficult circumstances tried to make it easier for women coming behind you rather than just coming up with the: I did it, so you should just shut up and get on with it.

@SkinnyMirror

If you have the choice you should spend as much time with your kid as you can.

Says who?

I wonder how many men get told this 🙄

I absolutely say that to my husband

Take your full maternity leave. You will regret not taking it. Its not a competition.
You will get a few women who will be adamant that they went back to work as soon as the baby was born, and they have no regrets, but they are in the minority.
You can do 50/50 once you are back at work and when your partner is at home.
I don't care what anyone says, the bond between a mother and their child is different, and if you have the opportunity to spend a good few months or a year at home with them, I have no idea why you wouldn't want to do that.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I really detest the (patriarchal) binary of working mother = bad mother and stay at home mother = good mother. I also dislike the (patriarchal) idea that whatever you effort you expend on your career necessitates an equal sacrifice from your children’s well being. It is depressing how many women are posting here that still believe this.

I've never ever seen SAHMs = good mother. I have seen them ripped to shreds as lazy and boring a lot though.

This whole thread is biased opinion after biased opinion. Mine included. This thread is helping no one at all.

It cannot be equal in the early days because .. biology . Especially if you're breastfeeding, your hormones will go crazy, babies do need their mothers more than their fathers. That's in their best interest, so I'd say if you cannot commit of being the primary care giver for the first 6 m- 1 year then you really shouldn't have children.

Babies do not care about feminism or your career. Oh, and men also find it hard to go back to work, dh was devastated when he had to leave our baby with me after his initial 3 weeks and felt very guilty for leaving her.

After 1 i find it very 50/50 between me and my husband.

You don't have to have kids you know. They're hard work and even with 50/50 you'll need to factor in days they're ill and so off work. You'll need to consider what to do if your baby isn't a good sleeper ect. Even 50/50 they're very full on - I love mine to bits but parenting is very full on and if you really prioritise your career it's a very hard balance. children and amazing and exhausting. Not something to go into lightly.

With my first is was totally shared 50/50 so when I had my second I had this daft assumption it would be the same… turns out he had different ideas.

Thankfully I didn’t want to give up my time as primary carer to the baby as I knew I’d not get the opportunity again but my partner was all about being a stay at home dad and taking on the majority of childcare until the reality hit.

I have to laugh when people
Think babies won’t change their lives that much and expect babies to fit round their currently lifestyle. I’ve never met a parent yet who regretted saying that before becoming a parent.

*didn’t regret sorry

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Hidehi4

Maternity leave has changed so much since I have had children. You could have up to 4 months off but a lot of women like myself was back to work after 6-10 weeks.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

Do you mind my asking when that was Hidehi4 ? I had my children in the early 90s and I went back to work when they were 7 months old plus had a month off before.

I had mine in the mid 1990s, and I only got 16 weeks with both. 4 weeks before, then back to work when they were 12 weeks old. And I worked for the local authority, in a public service job. I had been there 7 years at the time too.

Where did you work in the early 1990s, that gave you EIGHT months maternity leave? No woman I knew had 8 months maternity leave, pre late 1990s. It was 16 to 18 weeks for most.

Mums today don't know how fortunate they are getting a full year off for maternity leave these days. I'd have KILLED for that when I had mine.[/quote]
Everyone I knew had the full 7 months after birth and we all worked in different places both public and private sector. I think there were two different aspects tho: statutory maternity pay - 6 weeks at 90% and then x number of weeks of SMP; and then statutory maternity leave which was how long an employer had to keep your job open. I'm guessing a lot of people went back when the SMP stopped, but we'd saved so I could have the full 7 months. That was statutory, as said all my friends did the same.

Memory a bit hazy in the exact details but the 7 months wasn't just my employer.

I've a vague memory of one friend going back to work earlier, but she'd had an enhanced maternity pay funded by her employer on the understanding she went back earlier, to be repaid if she didn't.

OP, I completely get what you're saying. I was also terrified of becoming the primary carer - this was solved when DH decided to become a SAHD. I bf for 3 months then went back to work when DS was 4.5 mo, and it worked brilliantly! DH developed a fantastic relationship with DS and they had all kinds of wonderful adventures (while i worked away a lot, and was generally away 2 or 3 nights a week).

DS is a teen now and he and I have an amazingly close relationship so me not being the primary carer early on definitely didn't cause any damage

There have been lots of odd posts on this thread, but the reality is that there are plenty of ways to raise children in a healthy and happy environment - and the mother being home 24/7 is only one of them!

I'm not a full time mum I work and have a good job but I also have the balance between my job and family always comes first

Im a full time mum who happens to work full time. I don't stop being a mum during my working hours! Being a parent is not just about being physically present, it's about making decisions about the health and welfare of your children both in the short term and long term.

Our family is the most important thing to me and my husband. Just because we both work full time doesn't mean this changes.

People assume that by working full time you must hardly ever see your kids and they must be in childcare for long periods of time - but that's not always true. We both work in very flexible jobs which means we can do the school run 2/3 days a week. We do use before and after school club on the other days but mainly at DSs request because he loves it! Even then we're home by 5pm. We've never missed a play, assembly, sports day etc and have such generous annual leave and flexibility that we hardly use holiday clubs.

I fully respect women who choose a different way of life - is t it wonderful they women now have this choice?!

What I don't agree with is the assertion that raising children is a woman's job, that men aren't capable etc. That really winds me up because it harms both SAHM and WOTM as well as dads.

I absolutely say that to my husband

Yet you've already said that you do all childcare and he earns the money.
The poster I was quoting was essentially telling women to stop working to spend time with their children. Nobody ever says that to men!

@SkinnyMirror

I absolutely say that to my husband

Yet you've already said that you do all childcare and he earns the money.
The poster I was quoting was essentially telling women to stop working to spend time with their children. Nobody ever says that to men!

I say that to him when he's working late because someone hasn't done their job properly. I say you're going to miss out

With ds I had 8 months of mat leave but with dd I had 18m off as a sahm
Now I work full time, dp doesn't work because he's studying does the school drop off for ds and has dd 1 day in the week. Dd goes to nursery 3 days p wk
Nursery's take children from quite a young age, bright horizons take from 3months. Hope this helps

I say that to him when he's working late because someone hasn't done their job properly. I say you're going to miss out

He can only do that because he knows you're at home and he doesn't need to rush back!

Me and DH each have one day a week where we can work late at short notice ( obviously, planned things get factored into the week in advance) and DH has no issue with making sure he leaves on time because he has to collect DS. He might pick up some work when he's gone to bed but he will leave work on time!

My exDP was primary carer while I worked.

I don't see why it's a big deal (but of course it still is)

I took 4mths then my husband took 4mths. We try our best to share responsibility 50/50. I probably do more organisational tasks as I enjoy that. He has more time with our child on his own when I work away. I feel like we are pretty close to what I had hoped for and my child has an excellent equal relationship with us both as a result I feel

@riromay

It cannot be equal in the early days because .. biology . Especially if you're breastfeeding, your hormones will go crazy, babies do need their mothers more than their fathers. That's in their best interest, so I'd say if you cannot commit of being the primary care giver for the first 6 m- 1 year then you really shouldn't have children.

Babies do not care about feminism or your career. Oh, and men also find it hard to go back to work, dh was devastated when he had to leave our baby with me after his initial 3 weeks and felt very guilty for leaving her.

After 1 i find it very 50/50 between me and my husband.

Wow how judgemental. So I shouldn't have had my child? Wow. She is an incredibly happy, intelligent and loved little person. We have so much quality time together. Just because I am not with her 24/7 doesn't mean she is missing out. She has very secure attachment to both my husband and I. She is exceeding all milestones. Yes, sometimes work has to be prioritised but then she is also prioritised too to the detriment of work - it is a balance and if she is with one parent she is fine. She has a fantastic Daddy and a wonderful relationship with him. Our experience has not been that babies need their mothers more than their fathers. Absolute rubbish, frankly.

Our experience has not been that babies need their mothers more than their fathers. Absolute rubbish, frankly.

My experience too..... and that of most of my friends.

My DS is equally close to both of us and I love that.

Ignore the judgemental martyr mummies @Newmumatlast, your setup sounds ideal to me. Some people just can't accept (or are jealous) that it's perfectly possible to co-parent on a 50/50 basis.

You will notice that the 50/50 advocates on this thread are acknowledging that there are many styles of parenting and that their way is one of many that can work. It's the die hard Earth mothers who belittle and insist that any other way but theirs is wrong.

So disheartening that this misogynistic claptrap is still being wheeled out. When will women stop trying to keep other women down?

@Thatsplentyjack

Take your full maternity leave. You will regret not taking it. Its not a competition. You will get a few women who will be adamant that they went back to work as soon as the baby was born, and they have no regrets, but they are in the minority. You can do 50/50 once you are back at work and when your partner is at home. I don't care what anyone says, the bond between a mother and their child is different, and if you have the opportunity to spend a good few months or a year at home with them, I have no idea why you wouldn't want to do that.

I often hear women say things like "I don't care what anyone says, the bond between a mother and their child is different" when they have been primary carer during their child's first years and put other things on hold and therefore seem to want to push this narrative on others. Great if it works for your family but you'll find it is nonsense if you actually try to have properly equal parenting. We did and genuinely my daughter has an excellent relationship with us both. Great attachment with me and my husband. She is little different to her friends who had SAHMs. Perhaps a little more independent than a couple of them - very secure attachment.

In terms of the "and if you have the opportunity to spend a good few months or a year at home with them, I have no idea why you wouldn't want to do that" - sometimes people make decisions based on what is better overall for their family. Yes, we could live off of my husband's salary but I earn more than double. It makes no sense for me to not work. What I can do, and have, is pair back the amount I work to get more time at home and also work from home a bit more. I am working and saving hard now so when she really needs me - starting school, going through developmental changes etc - I can afford to just take time out. People always focus on the baby years but actually often children need you more later on. Meeting a baby's needs is actually a lot easier in my view than those of an older child. She is secure and loved. She has one parent as a minimum carrying out her routine and grandparents for childcare in the day.

I would never say dont be a SAHM or a working mum. I would just say make a decision based on your individual family and what is in your child's best interests overall. That will change depending on the family and child. There is no blanket judgemental rule

@SkinnyMirror

Our experience has not been that babies need their mothers more than their fathers. Absolute rubbish, frankly.

My experience too..... and that of most of my friends.

My DS is equally close to both of us and I love that.

I think alot of people who say that haven't tried it the other way or don't have such a hands on partner perhaps. Of course if you are your child's entire world you will think that you child needs you more than anyone else. They probably do - because you have created that situation. That is why the idea has perpetuated for so long - because women did almost exclusive child care and the kids needed them the most accordingly. So it seemed to prove the point that kids need mums. I dont know any kids with SAHD or 50/50 equal parents that are not fulfilled

As PP have said maternity leave can give the mother time to physically recover, breast feed etc, although not all women choose or need this . I took 10 months then we both worked 4 days a week so DD had one day with us separately and then 3 nursery days. We also split days off when she was sick etc.

Where I live there are plenty of men who work part time/ flexibly but this seems to really vary by area. A friend lives not too far away and says she never sees men on the school/ nursery run whereas here it's really common.

People always focus on the baby years but actually often children need you more later on.

This is so true. The baby years were quite easy to manage as nursery was open all year round and very flexible. School is different!

Because I was established at work I was able to juggle things to fit around school rather than look for a job that worked.