To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@hey9654

I’m as proud as any mother. Why not? I have raised 3 DC and my youngest is now 17. They are all fantastic human beings.

But I see you, trying to shame me for having used a nursery. For daring to pursue a successful career and be breadwinner AND a mother.[/quote]
I guess having been the child, I have a different view point. You can't be in 2 places at once

When you have a baby you become a family not a couple and if you want to prioritise your career over motherhood then as @user1493494961 said perhaps you need to think about this seriously

Wanting to maintain and progress your career doesn't always mean prioritising it over your child. It is possible to do both.

FFS nobody ever says this shit to men!!

@PlanDeRaccordement so I could choose to have a career if I decided not to have kids. Once I decided to have kids I dedicated my life to them, until they grew up and I could continue growing my career

@hey9654
I was there when I was needed. Have you ever considered it is socialisation that has you feeling the way you do? The pity and sighs of judgemental adults because your mum was working instead of at the school gate?

@myheartskippedabeat what's wrong with wanting a career and children? Why are you so determined OP can't have both? Plenty of us do, quite successfully thanks.

I really detest women trying to keep other women down. Just because you have no ambition other than being a full time mother that doesn't mean everyone else has to do the same.

Both DH and I have worked throughout my children's lives. I'm the main breadwinner and always have been. No nannies ever either, not needed as DH and I have always balanced the childcare arrangements between us. Two well adjusted, happy, successful teenagers here, one just off to Uni next week.

[quote hey9654]@PlanDeRaccordement so I could choose to have a career if I decided not to have kids. Once I decided to have kids I dedicated my life to them, until they grew up and I could continue growing my career [/quote]
It doesn't have to be an either/or situation!

You're letting your personal experience unfairly influence your view of working mothers. You're coming across as very judgemental.

[quote hey9654]@PlanDeRaccordement so I could choose to have a career if I decided not to have kids. Once I decided to have kids I dedicated my life to them, until they grew up and I could continue growing my career [/quote]
I did both in parallel. It is a myth that you cannot progress in a career and be a mother. While the law has changed such that married women can now work, the myth is not yet died out.

I did both in parallel. It is a myth that you cannot progress in a career and be a mother. While the law has changed such that married women can now work, the myth is not yet died out.

Exactly!! There are many of us who are managing both perfectly well!

I love my job and it makes me a happier person to be doing it - which in turn makes me a better mum.

In France maternity leave is 13 weeks. But the system works. Normal to go back 4 days or full time.

I really detest the (patriarchal) binary of working mother = bad mother and stay at home mother = good mother. I also dislike the (patriarchal) idea that whatever you effort you expend on your career necessitates an equal sacrifice from your children’s well being. It is depressing how many women are posting here that still believe this.

It’s going to depend on the man you are with. If you want to be a mother and progress your career then you need a partner who will do 50% of the heavy lifting. So discuss it with him in detail, now - and either move on or don’t have kids if he won’t. Yes you can split parental leave, no you don’t have to take anything like a year - 3 months is normal in much of the world. You do also need to discuss and plan for realistic childcare though.

Well said @SkinnyMirror

Too, we are good role models for our daughters showing them that it can be done. That the choice of motherhood or career is a myth.

@PlanDeRaccordement congrats

@PlanDeRaccordement

I really detest the (patriarchal) binary of working mother = bad mother and stay at home mother = good mother. I also dislike the (patriarchal) idea that whatever you effort you expend on your career necessitates an equal sacrifice from your children’s well being. It is depressing how many women are posting here that still believe this.

It's a real bug bear of mine too. I research and write about women's career development and this topic come up a lot! It's depressing how impact of societal expectations and stereotypes is being ignored when those are the biggest issues!!

[quote hey9654]@PlanDeRaccordement so I could choose to have a career if I decided not to have kids. Once I decided to have kids I dedicated my life to them, until they grew up and I could continue growing my career [/quote]
Great. That was right for you and your kids, doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. And just because having a working mother didn’t work for you as a kid, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work fine for many kids - having or being a working mother or a stay at home mother covers a vast universe of different experiences, all dependant on a vast range of things including temperament, money, family support, the career in question.. etc.

I haven't read the full thread because I'm too appalled by some of what I read so far. I'm shocked some people are saying OP should rethink having children.

For the OP,

You and your partner can choose to parent however works best for you.

Primary caregiver is not inevitable just because you're a woman.

Yes, you will experience prejudice and outdated attitudes like the ones from some posters on this thread, but it just means you're part of helping change things for the better so the next generation won't.

The only unequal thing you'll need to agree is who is listed first in case of emergency for school etcetera. They won't let you put two names equal so one of you needs to be in first place and one in second. Other than that, I can't think of anything that isn't equal.

I'm close to families where dad is primary caregiver or both parents work part-time and share childcare it works for them. That's all that matters!

"Yes, you will experience prejudice and outdated attitudes like the ones from some posters on this thread, but it just means you're part of helping change things for the better so the next generation won't. "

The prevalence of those outdated attitudes on this thread are really depressing to me. I really hoped things would have moved on in the 18 years since my DD was born.

Oh well, at least I know my DD is clear that she doesn't have to choose between a career and having a family.

@hey9654

You’re frankly nasty to try and shame women for being working mothers. Maybe you find it difficult to accept that some women have ambitions to be whole human beings and not just child rearers.
By the way, the 1950s called, they want you back.

@ChequerBoard
The prevalence of those outdated attitudes on this thread are really depressing to me. I really hoped things would have moved on in the 18 years since my DD was born.

Me too.

[quote ChequerBoard]@myheartskippedabeat what's wrong with wanting a career and children? Why are you so determined OP can't have both? Plenty of us do, quite successfully thanks.

I really detest women trying to keep other women down. Just because you have no ambition other than being a full time mother that doesn't mean everyone else has to do the same.

Both DH and I have worked throughout my children's lives. I'm the main breadwinner and always have been. No nannies ever either, not needed as DH and I have always balanced the childcare arrangements between us. Two well adjusted, happy, successful teenagers here, one just off to Uni next week.[/quote]
I'm not a full time mum I work and have a good job but I also have the balance between my job and family always comes first

@myheartskippedabeat nowhere in that post does the op say her family aren’t the most important thing. I’m full time in a busy job and obviously my family are the most important thing, dh feels the same also. My parents had a more traditional relationship but my dad loves us all very much - someone has to earn the money for a house and clothes and food, and it does not mean that someone / those someone’s don’t adore their children or that they never spend time with them.
So much judgement on this thread.

not the op, I’m referring to chequerboard*s post

@myheartskippedabeat where in my post do I say that my family doesn't come first? Your just another one determined to keep career women down by casting aspersions on their parenting abilities.

ODFOD.

*I think one of the things that surprised me about motherhood was how primal and biological it felt. My husband could sleep through the baby crying, I instantly woke up on high alert. We both loved her, obviously, and he was a great hands-on dad, but I needed her to be close to me in a way that he didn’t. I don’t think I could have coped emotionally with not being the primary cater, even though intellectually I’m a feminist and very in favour of sharing the load.

100% relate to all of this (apart from partner sleeping through the crying - he doesn't; but the rest of it rings very true indeed). It's such a biological, primal drive for me compared to him. When we've clashed over my seemingly anxious approach to her crying (needing to get straight to her quickly etc), I've described it to him as "when she cries you can hear the cries, but I feel them and it almost physically hurts".

She's 4.5 months now, supposed to be back at work at 8 months and I'm already emotionally broken at the thought of leaving her in a few months. And I've spent decades building my career and am very career oriented (i'm also the breadwinner so not going back would be a financial disaster for us). I honestly didn't expect to feel this unsettled about it all though. 😔

You are right to be concerned. We agreed on 50/50 and I ended up as primary care giver. Fucks me off tbh, it’s not what I signed up to. Covid didn’t help - we couldn’t get a nursery place till DC was 1 year old and of course I was the one who had to stay at home as he earns slightly more than me. I would recommend sorting a nursery place ASAP, many of them have long wait lists. Also don’t be shy in taking up any offers of help from friends and family, the sooner your little one gets used to being baby sat the better. I found a full year on maternity leave beyond tedious and was great full
To be back at work.