To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

One risk is that you end up in my situation, which is that you’re both the higher earner and the primary caregiver. It’s tough going and it’s called lazy pig husband syndrome.

I’d rather that than most of the alternatives though.

*Lambasting a woman for choosing to go back to work and using a nursery to provide childcare is NOT about liberation of women.

Liberation equates to freedom and freedom means choice. So it should be just as acceptable for a woman to choose to go back to work as to stay at home.*

She's not been lambasted by anyone. One week after birth is nowhere near realistic. It's not liberating either. Your baby just came out and needs to be looked after by it's mother for more than 7-14 days before being left with another adult for 10h a day.

I had a baby while I was in education and was adamant I'd be back after 2 weeks. Baby ended up going at 6.5m. From experience it's not going to happen like that, and it's not usual for a mother to want to be away from her child that early

@2kl4skl I never said I wanted to return to work after a week!!

Why do even want to have a child if you just want someone else to look after it from a few weeks old?

@hey9654 please read the thread properly or at least even the first post.

@2kl4skl no-one said anything about going back to work after 1 or 2 weeks. In fact the choice of when to go back wasn't part of the discussion. It was the fact that women should be able to choose to go back work full stop.

@ttcissoboring I have. Also don't understand how it is misogynistic to expect the women to take the maternity leave. The woman carries the baby, gives birth to it, has all the surging hormones to care for the baby, so they are allowed to do exactly that. I think once you've had your child you'll have a different outlook on this whole situation and wonder what on earth you were thinking.
I grew up with a single mum who I barely saw because she had to work so much so I was always at the child minders, it was shit. If you have the choice you should spend as much time with your kid as you can.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Direct quote from the OP’s first post.

She’s asking if it’s possible to be truly equal and 50/50 with your partner when you’re a parent. Which I think is a very good question (albeit not one with a straightforward answer).

I don’t understand all these ‘why even bother having children’ responses. Are you actually saying that if a woman wants to split parenting 50/50 with her partner (rather than accepting that since she is a woman she must be primary caregiver for the next 18 years) she shouldn’t bother becoming a parent? Or are you too thick to read and understand the question?

@hey9654

You haven’t. If you’d read the OP’s posts you’ll see she’s never once said, or even implied, that she wants someone else to look after the baby from a few weeks old. She’s said she doesn’t think she would want to take the full year of maternity leave. Loads of women don’t take a full year - the last 3 months are unpaid for a start, and statutory maternity pay isn’t exactly Euromillions. Not taking a full year doesn’t make them shit parents.

If you have the choice you should spend as much time with your kid as you can.

Says who?

I wonder how many men get told this 🙄

I have a good friend who after maternity leave went back to work FT and the dad became a SAHD, worked really well. He was a SAHD for 8 years and now works PT while she is the main breadwinner.

It all comes down to what your partner wants and him walking the walk not just talking the talk. Totally possible and I think fantastic it it's what you both want!

Also don't understand how it is misogynistic to expect the women to take the maternity leave.

Not one person has said this. Not one.

@YouMeandtheSpew she said it will be at nursery 2/3 days a week when she is physically able to go back to work

@SkinnyMirror

If you have the choice you should spend as much time with your kid as you can.

Says who?

I wonder how many men get told this 🙄

Erm me? It's my opinion

It?

[quote hey9654]@ttcissoboring I have. Also don't understand how it is misogynistic to expect the women to take the maternity leave. The woman carries the baby, gives birth to it, has all the surging hormones to care for the baby, so they are allowed to do exactly that. I think once you've had your child you'll have a different outlook on this whole situation and wonder what on earth you were thinking.
I grew up with a single mum who I barely saw because she had to work so much so I was always at the child minders, it was shit. If you have the choice you should spend as much time with your kid as you can. [/quote]
That may be your experience but we are ok wired differently. As for time with kids it quality of time rather than quantity of time that is key.

OP how much of the mental load does your DH pick up? Even if chores are currently split equally that might not translate to taking on full share of kids related responsibilities.

My DH and I both reduced our hours to 80% after kids to give a bit of space for family life. It is possible to make it work but I feel like I’m at a frontier and there is still a lot of work to do to make things truly equal.

@ttcissoboring
The woman carries the baby, gives birth to it, has all the surging hormones to care for the baby, so they are allowed to do exactly that. I think once you've had your child you'll have a different outlook on this whole situation and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

This is just so much sexist woo which plays right into the hands of patriarchy. Ooooh surging hormones controlling my mind, must take care of baby. And that’s what women are for...child bearing and you’re a bad mother unless you think this way once the child arrives and just want to be a baby minder for years on end.

Please. I’ve had 4 DC and was perfectly alright handing them off to the nursery at 10-11 weeks old.

Not the same, but have two friends who through horrible circumstances had to leave new borns at home with dad while they returned to their home country to attend a parents death bed/funeral as neither baby had passports. The end result is that both the dads are doing 50:50 childcare. It can happen.

Within my family, I’d had a csection and my husband did nights with the baby as his theory was I’d get better quicker if I slept well. Despite him working. He is still very hands on and we split bedtimes 50:50. I mention bedtimes as easier to quantify.

Erm me? It's my opinion

But that doesn't give you the right to tell other women that's how they should live their lives!!

@hey9654

Why do even want to have a child if you just want someone else to look after it from a few weeks old?

Why not? I could ask you why finish your education and get a job if you’re just going to be a baby mama and not have a career?

I had children because I wanted children. And honestly, they do not remember much before age 5 anyway. So their childhood memories still involve me and DH doing things with them and being their parents. They know us, but they wouldn’t be able to tell you the names of any of the people who fed and changed their nappies in nursery.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well said!

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@ttcissoboring
The woman carries the baby, gives birth to it, has all the surging hormones to care for the baby, so they are allowed to do exactly that. I think once you've had your child you'll have a different outlook on this whole situation and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

This is just so much sexist woo which plays right into the hands of patriarchy. Ooooh surging hormones controlling my mind, must take care of baby. And that’s what women are for...child bearing and you’re a bad mother unless you think this way once the child arrives and just want to be a baby minder for years on end.

Please. I’ve had 4 DC and was perfectly alright handing them off to the nursery at 10-11 weeks old.[/quote]
And you're proud of that?!

@hey9654

I’m as proud as any mother. Why not? I have raised 3 DC and my youngest is now 17. They are all fantastic human beings.

But I see you, trying to shame me for having used a nursery. For daring to pursue a successful career and be breadwinner AND a mother.

[quote ttcissoboring]**@user1493494961 could you elaborate?! [/quote]
As they said

Perhaps you need to think this thru

When you have a baby you become a family not a couple and if you want to prioritise your career over motherhood then as @user1493494961 said perhaps you need to think about this seriously

Think how the child would feel

My daughter has a friend who's parents are like this and their Nanny (employed Nanny not a grandparent) does everything and she even dropped her to me for a play date they're nearly 6 amd this little girl already knows her mummy prioritises her job over her and it is awful to watch

Please don't be that parent it's so cruel