To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

I think an exact 50/50 split is difficult to maintain but I know a few couples where the dad is the primary caregiver (1 stay at home dad and 2 who have gone part time).

It absolutely can work if both parents are happy with the arrangement. I’m sure some people will judge… but people judge you whatever you do once you’re a parent anyway.

Do whatever is right for you!

@skinnymirror I think our instincts are different and what we see as important is different.

@ttcissoboring

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

See - this is the judgement I am referring to! I have already decided I would like children.

This statement is completely unnecessary and judgemental.

I'll be honest, I do sort of agree with PP that that's how it comes across. Difficult to explain and you haven't said anything wrong.

[quote Halfaham]@skinnymirror I think our instincts are different and what we see as important is different.[/quote]
Maybe. But there is no reason your husband can't take on some of the mental load. He's choosing to opt out and you are letting him.

If that works for you then fine but people need to at least own it for what it is. There is no 'instinct' involved in knowing your children need new shoes or they have homework on a particular day. That's all socialisation......otherwise we'd have all these incompetent men in the workplace not knowing they have a deadline or need to attend a meeting on a particular day.

@Hidehi4

Maternity leave has changed so much since I have had children. You could have up to 4 months off but a lot of women like myself was back to work after 6-10 weeks.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

Do you mind my asking when that was Hidehi4 ? I had my children in the early 90s and I went back to work when they were 7 months old plus had a month off before.

I had mine in the mid 1990s, and I only got 16 weeks with both. 4 weeks before, then back to work when they were 12 weeks old. And I worked for the local authority, in a public service job. I had been there 7 years at the time too.

Where did you work in the early 1990s, that gave you EIGHT months maternity leave? No woman I knew had 8 months maternity leave, pre late 1990s. It was 16 to 18 weeks for most.

Mums today don't know how fortunate they are getting a full year off for maternity leave these days. I'd have KILLED for that when I had mine.

@riotlady

My husband could sleep through the baby crying, whereas I was on high alert and always heard her.

This made me laugh. Funny how easy men manage to 'sleep through the baby crying.' You do know he was never 'asleep' right?

There so many threads on here of women regret children or have children and start complaining DH isn't pulling their weight

You could end up a single parent with no partner. It's not realistic to expect it to be 50/50 as a mother, unfair as it is. Some is society, some is nature. Baby's not even here and you're already deciding you want an even split

In reality, you'll probably find it hard to leave the baby and it won't be like that

[quote Halfaham]@skinnymirror I think our instincts are different and what we see as important is different.[/quote]
But shoes being too small, or things like costume for world book day is nought about instincts is it, its about the fact he can't be arsed to bother making room for it in his head as he knows you will do it. These are both examples you gave, and neither are to do with instincts, if he thinks having shoes that fit isn't important, or keeping up to date on stuff going on at school etc then that's sad really, but untimely not surprising.

@ttcissoboring

Actually OP lots of people, mainly women, do choose to be a lone parent. It's much harder for men to actively choose it.

Personally I wouldn't, for a variety of reasons. And many of those that choose likely because they are not in long term relationship or partner is a potential risk to child.

I believe very few people would choose That route if given a choice, I could be wrong.

I am also not knocking like parents at all - I was bought up by lone parent and see how hard it is which is why it worries me. If it happens I cannot control it then obviously I have to deal with it but given a choice I wouldn't enter into things knowing I was to be a lone parent.

Statistically you are FAR more likely to be a lone parent than have a harmonious 50:50 parenting relationship

My youngest son is 23 and my husband went down to 3 days a week the other 3 he was in nursery that worked fine for us . We were Both teachers at the same level . Someone said are you allowed to do that ? Well of course otherwise it would be discriminatory!

This is so offensive. You’re implying that parents who use nurseries shouldn’t have DC because “what is the point?”
The point is liberation of women. That women should have the choice to be a mother AND have a career. No one (includes men here) should feel pressured that you can only have kids if you’re willing to be a stay at home parent

Going back after one week though? Or even a month? We're entitled to more than that. Your career is still there after 3 months maternity, say.

Hi OP, I understand that you are not saying having a child would be an inconvenience and I am sorry for your pregnancy losses. I have been trying to conceive with my partner for nine months and before we started trying I agreed with him that we would share parental leave (probably me taking nine months and him three months with a bit of overlap between us), that we would do mixed breast and formula feeding (assuming I am able to breastfeed) from early on so he can feed the baby as well as me and we can therefore share all aspects of parenting, and that we would both drop our working hours to four days per week meaning we could each have a day per week solo parenting with our child and would only need nursery or a childminder for three days per week (we earn almost the same salary). We also agreed that we would support each other to take holidays alone or with friends in addition to family holidays all together and would support each other to continue to socialise and pursue hobbies (within reason!) whilst the other parent was looking after our child.

For us, this was an important conversation to have before we started trying to conceive and it was an easy conversation because my partner wants to be fully involved with our child and parent 50/50. So I completely get where you are coming from.

@abcdeg

There so many threads on here of women regret children or have children and start complaining DH isn't pulling their weight

You could end up a single parent with no partner. It's not realistic to expect it to be 50/50 as a mother, unfair as it is. Some is society, some is nature. Baby's not even here and you're already deciding you want an even split

In reality, you'll probably find it hard to leave the baby and it won't be like that

This exactly. As I said earlier, it's just NOT going to be 50/50 with their husbands/partners, for many new mothers, no matter how much the OP (and people like her) want it to be. As you say, as unfair as it is, that IS the way it is.

And if they spilt with their DH, they (the MOTHER of the child(ren,) will automatically be expected to be the main caregiver, and to keep the children with her. In most cases, women want to, but even if they didn't want custody of the children, they would be expected to have it, and would be LAMBASTED if they wanted the MAN to have custody of the children. The MAN would not get the same vitriol though. Funny that.

Also, when a man leaves/fucks off with another woman, he never wants to take the kids. (They would cramp his style, and invade fucking time and jollies with his new squeeze...)

I have seen many relationships break up, with a man - and the woman he left his wife for - because the 'other woman' can't stand his kids being around at the weekend. Their 'relationship' would have fuck-all chance of survival if he had the kids full time.

Also, if he had the kids, he may have to take a step back from his big important job. As if eh? Far better to let the wumman (the mother of the kids) have HER life upended!

@2kl4skl

*This is so offensive. You’re implying that parents who use nurseries shouldn’t have DC because “what is the point?” The point is liberation of women. That women should have the choice to be a mother AND have a career. No one (includes men here) should feel pressured that you can only have kids if you’re willing to be a stay at home parent*

Going back after one week though? Or even a month? We're entitled to more than that. Your career is still there after 3 months maternity, say.

Lambasting a woman for choosing to go back to work and using a nursery to provide childcare is NOT about liberation of women.

Liberation equates to freedom and freedom means choice. So it should be just as acceptable for a woman to choose to go back to work as to stay at home.

I'm American so dont get a ton of maternity leave. With my first 2 I was a stay at home mom, but not with my youngest. When he was born I had 10 weeks with him (I work in a school and we get 10 weeks off in the summer) because he was born 4 days after summer break started. When I went back to work in Sept my DH and I worked opposite shifts. He took care of the baby in the day when I was at school, and then I had him after school. My dh would get up in the night with baby because I had to be up for work early. So it worked out for us with shared care.

I used to worry about the same things as you.My partner earns more and itnwouldnmake sense for me to stay at home till maternity leave is over.It used to make me want to reconsider having kids.
I am currently expecting and the further along I am the more my mindset is changing.I cannot wait to stay at home for a year will my little one and would be heartbroken if I had to go back and my partner was at home.I am not saying this will happen to everyone or that there is anything wrong with the way you feel.Pregnancy however changes your feelings...well it changed mine

@ttcissoboring

The saddest things about the misogyny on the thread is that is mainly from women too.

Makes me think we will never, ever be an equal playing field and there will always be gender pay gaps and unequal society if women ourselves cannot even support each other's choices.

OP, unfortunately many women have a superiority complex about being Earth mothers and ‘being there’ for their children as they so often call it on this forum. These are the same women jumping up and down and telling every poster to LTB because he doesn’t pull his weight. What they actually want is to have al the child rearing responsibility and then wag their finger at any woman who chooses and more varied where she is more than just a primary caregiver. Unfortunately some women never left 1950s. What a shame.

You will be spending an awful lot of time pumping at work if you want to go back soon after baby arrives and you want to produce any milk at all. And you may well end up with a boob refuser if introducing bottle regularly before 6 weeks. The only time you could breastfeed would be at your nighttime; they can be up every 90-120 minutes for weeks, if not months.

Legally, you have to take at least 2 weeks, for health reasons. If you have C-section or significant tearing then you be physically in no shape, unless it’s a remote working computer job and you have a massive doughnut cushion. Mood problems, haemorrhage and infections also a big unknown in the first few weeks.

Once they hit school age, the relationships shift and they father or non-gestating parent becomes at least as important and could naturally end up doing at least 50% of the emotional side of parenting (not just the jobs). Shared parental leave during the first year is also good for creating a shared awareness of exactly what needs done day to day.

My husband’s colleague was back 4 weeks after each kid; her parents did all the childcare. Funnily, she’s cut her hours to do more of the childcare is they’ve got older.

It can be done, but you may find you don’t like the person you grew having someone other than you as their number one! The baby would be fine with decent childcare from a single consistent person but I suspect you would suffer emotionally.

IME yes it's inevitable but I do hear of these mythical men who are SAHDs (mostly on here never in real life) so find yourself one of those and you'll be set. Be prepared for a shit ton of judgement though - from people of both sexes. If you're not thick skinned I'd get working on that.

Don't commit to having DC with someone unless your certain they're happy to pull their weight 50:50. YANBU to not want it BTW - it's stressful as anything being the one they all rely on if your the type of person who gates people being dependent on you, I really struggled with that. Particularly the physical dependency, I felt like kicking them off me a lot but I have to say a few years down the line I quite like being the "preferred" parent, there's a vert lovely bond that comes from being the one who knows them better than anyone on earth.

Gosh the typos 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Aggy35 congrats and I would welcome that change. I'm not going to be awkward for the sake of being awkward if that did happen and I feel differently.

But I can only go on how I feel now. Very difficult to imagine a hypothetical situation until it happens - so I would rather make plan based on how I feel now. If the plan changes I'm totally fine with that.

I understand life brings many surprises but I still think things should be planned - but I would be prepared to deviate from the plan.

@DroopyClematis I made the remark because I thought it was incredibly crass if the poster to suggest putting a child in nursery makes you a bad parent.

And I actually disagree, nursery isn't a necessity for everyone - some people may want children to socialise with others from an early age, some people see nursery as offering social skills and benefits to children.

I don't feel it was a crass statement at all, nursery has pros and cons and is a choice for some, necessity for others. Nothing wrong with either.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@riotlady

My husband could sleep through the baby crying, whereas I was on high alert and always heard her.

This made me laugh. Funny how easy men manage to 'sleep through the baby crying.' You do know he was never 'asleep' right? [/quote]
Patronising much?

@cheesemarmitepanini

Men and women aren't interchangeable. It's something we all have to accept.

This, absolutely.