Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be primary caregiver?

751 replies

ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 08:31

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

OP posts:
sst1234 · 04/09/2021 18:02

Some women have a low bar in not being able to see themselves as anything other than primary caregivers and offering OP advice to re think if she should have children. Why complain that men don’t pull their weight, if your starting point is that someone like OP is not ready to be a mother.
Women who hold these views will set a bad example to their own daughters.

oklets · 04/09/2021 18:07

@sst1234 Amen! I never aspired to be a 'primary caregiver' and I have a fantastic bond with my son, as does his father. These posts have a real 'women know your place' vibe about them. It's quite sad.

riotlady · 04/09/2021 18:22

I think one of the things that surprised me about motherhood was how primal and biological it felt. My husband could sleep through the baby crying, I instantly woke up on high alert. We both loved her, obviously, and he was a great hands-on dad, but I needed her to be close to me in a way that he didn’t. I don’t think I could have coped emotionally with not being the primary cater, even though intellectually I’m a feminist and very in favour of sharing the load.

She’s 3.5 now and my hormones have settled down and we are pretty much 50/50 in terms of physical childcare (although I carry more of the mental load) but in the baby years it was definitely me who was primary cater.

Mama1980 · 04/09/2021 18:22

I'm sorry for your losses op.
And I fully accept what you're trying to say here, but I do honestly think that if your setting so many limits and conditions on wanting to be a parent then perhaps you should think again.
Fwiw I'm not sure it can ever be 100% 50/50 one of my brothers is a SAHD, he loves it and it works brilliantly for them. But when my niece and nephews are crying it's my brother they want, not their mum. When the school call, they talk to him as he's the one they see. My niece would say her dad is the main parent, he's the one ultimately they listen to. She adores her mum but it's not a 50/50 split from any perspective really....that doesn't make it bad, everyone is happy but in my opinion a total 50/50 isn't realistic (which is why it's not often recommended by family courts) Be sure you are ok with that...I'd advise the same whether you were mum or dad.

PlateSpinnerJuggler · 04/09/2021 18:25

@bumblingbovine49 that's great for you - I'm just saying why I think a lot of the mental load falls on more women than men

FictionalCharacter · 04/09/2021 18:26

DH and I did 50/50 after the end of my mat leave. It worked fine for us and I believe the kids benefited. I couldn’t care less what other people or the rest of society thinks about what a woman’s role should be!

Hidehi4 · 04/09/2021 18:41

Maternity leave has changed so much since I have had children. You could have upto 4 months off but a lot of women like myself was back to work after 6-10 weeks

Planttrees · 04/09/2021 19:02

I agree with those that say the mental load will always fall on the woman. My DP was excellent at childcare and really did put in the time but at the end of the day, if childcare arrangements failed or decisions needed to be made it always came down to me. Its not just about childcare, changing nappies or feeding, its about mental responsibility. Unfortunately my DP just didn't deal with that side of it and it all fell on me. If the children were sick, or the nanny was sick, the responsibility was always mine, even if ultimately he was the one that took the time off to look after them. I think to believe anything else may be unrealistic.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 04/09/2021 19:29

@Hidehi4

Maternity leave has changed so much since I have had children. You could have upto 4 months off but a lot of women like myself was back to work after 6-10 weeks
Do you mind my asking when that was @Hidehi4 ? I had my children in the early 90s and I went back to work when they were 7 months old plus had a month off before.
legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 19:40

Nobody would even dream of telling a man to "rethink having children" if he said he wanted or expected the woman to be primary caregiver and didn't want to sacrifice his career.

It's pure misogyny to say it to the op.

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 19:48

@Spyro1234

Babies need their mother... My maternal instincts don't let me just leave her. Are you sure kids are definitely for you?! It's life changing and will definitely require you to be present!
Babies need their father too, just saying.
OP posts:
BrendaBubbles · 04/09/2021 19:49

It's pure misogyny to say it to the op.

Nonsense, it’s not misogynistic to give different advice to different sexes based on statistically what is most likely to happen. Indeed we’re trying to prevent the usual misogynistic trap occurring because no matter what the man says odds are he will not take it on fifty fifty!

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 19:50

@CheekyAFAIK I have no idea where anywhere throughout the thread I've implied I would make a better mother than anyone - doubt you've rtft which is fine, but please don't make assumptions unless you have.

OP posts:
SkinnyMirror · 04/09/2021 19:56

There has been plenty of misogyny dressed up as 'facts' on this thread. It's been pretty depressing to read.

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 19:57

@BrendaBubbles there is a lot of misogyny throughout thread IMO.

I'm quite shocked by the some of the responses actually - I agree with another poster that some people really seem to want to reaffirm a 'woman's role'.

For people to question if I should have kids and that I'm not ready I think is quite rude, because my post wasn't about that. If id have asked for opinions should I have children fair enough. But I have found it sad that posters are being quite unfair to say things like that when it wasn't what the thread was about - I didn't ask for opinions on how fit to be a mother I seem to be.

Many posters have been helpful - and given me hope that it is possible to be 50/50 and very useful suggestions on how to achieve, so thank you for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcissoboring · 04/09/2021 19:59

The saddest things about the misogyny on the thread is that is mainly from women too.

Makes me think we will never, ever be an equal playing field and there will always be gender pay gaps and unequal society if women ourselves cannot even support each other's choices.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 04/09/2021 20:04

I agree OP, so many martyrs on this thread perpetuating the myth that both parents can't be equally responsible for their children.

You sound like you really have your head screwed on and are ready for the reality of family life. I think it's a much more healthy approach than those that expect it to be all Earth motherly sunshine and roses and then have a rude awakening when they are overwhelmed.

Best of luck with TTC, I have several MCs before having my two, I know how painful it is Thanks

Halfaham · 04/09/2021 20:05

Dh has been very hands on but there are things he just doesn't think of, they just don't enter his headspace. Like their shoes are too small or what are they going to wear for world book day or how to resolve friendship issues or that yes they do need to invite the ndn's DC to their party. Mine have just gone back to school and he would have no idea dd's skirt was ridiculously small, that we had to log onto two new homework web things, pay for a trip and buy a sleeping bag before next weekend. So whilst he fed, changed, cleaned, played with, taught, bathed, read bedtime stories to, taught bike riding, took to swimming lessons, it just would never have been an equal split. If my DC are ill, he'd fall asleep with them but very occasionally you need to stay awake. He literally can't. Or that phase aged about 2 where they wake up 4am raring to go for the day and need supervising. That was me. I think this is what some are getting at. You can have a plan and that's good but things have a way of not working out how you expected.

legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 20:08

Come off it, of course shit like this is misogynistic:

Babies need their mother... My maternal instincts don't let me just leave her. Are you sure kids are definitely for you?!

WTF475878237NC · 04/09/2021 20:08

Many people are just trying to be realistic. Loads of people end up single, not co-parents. Sounds like you won't love it if it happens to you, whereas some people flourish on their own as the boards here will attest.

seriouslystressedoutmama · 04/09/2021 20:11

I'm primary caregiver, state approved as in best interest of small children. It's hell and I hate it. Feel so trapped and just want to work and earn my own income

SkinnyMirror · 04/09/2021 20:12

@Halfaham

Dh has been very hands on but there are things he just doesn't think of, they just don't enter his headspace. Like their shoes are too small or what are they going to wear for world book day or how to resolve friendship issues or that yes they do need to invite the ndn's DC to their party. Mine have just gone back to school and he would have no idea dd's skirt was ridiculously small, that we had to log onto two new homework web things, pay for a trip and buy a sleeping bag before next weekend. So whilst he fed, changed, cleaned, played with, taught, bathed, read bedtime stories to, taught bike riding, took to swimming lessons, it just would never have been an equal split. If my DC are ill, he'd fall asleep with them but very occasionally you need to stay awake. He literally can't. Or that phase aged about 2 where they wake up 4am raring to go for the day and need supervising. That was me. I think this is what some are getting at. You can have a plan and that's good but things have a way of not working out how you expected.
But why don't they enter his headspace? And why aren't you insisting that he takes responsibility for these things? There's really no excuse...... I'm sure he couldn't get away with only doing half a job at work because he doesn't bother to engage with certain aspects of his role!!

Make sure he's on the school mailing list and the WhatsApp group so he knows what going on and make sure he knows you expect him to engage.

Skinnyankles · 04/09/2021 20:12

@riotlady
*I think one of the things that surprised me about motherhood was how primal and biological it felt. My husband could sleep through the baby crying, I instantly woke up on high alert. We both loved her, obviously, and he was a great hands-on dad, but I needed her to be close to me in a way that he didn’t. I don’t think I could have coped emotionally with not being the primary cater, even though intellectually I’m a feminist and very in favour of sharing the load.

She’s 3.5 now and my hormones have settled down and we are pretty much 50/50 in terms of physical childcare (although I carry more of the mental load) but in the baby years it was definitely me who was primary cater*

This is exactly how I felt. When they were tiny - they barely settled unless on the breast. After 6 months (especially the middle child) - she wouldn't be happy unless squished against me. Dh is a wonderful father and we share the load at home. However, as far as the children were concerned - only I would do.

legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 20:14

@ttcissoboring

The saddest things about the misogyny on the thread is that is mainly from women too.

Makes me think we will never, ever be an equal playing field and there will always be gender pay gaps and unequal society if women ourselves cannot even support each other's choices.

I think the mental journey leading to that outcome goes something like this:

"My choices have been limited and the weight of responsibility has been heavier on me due to my sex.

I need that to be tolerable therefore I convince myself it is the only way, it is meaningful, and I have not missed anything because it was not really a choice in the first place - it was my destiny.

When other women do things to challenge my coping beliefs I feel attacked and try to impose my beliefs and restrictions on them so that things continue to feel tolerable for me."

legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 20:19

@WTF475878237NC

Many people are just trying to be realistic. Loads of people end up single, not co-parents. Sounds like you won't love it if it happens to you, whereas some people flourish on their own as the boards here will attest.
Op started out by acknowledging there were scenarios where that might occur and she accepted them, and made clear that she was discussing the best case / preferred scenario of her relationship continuing!

People have chosen to disregard that so they can attack.