To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

I came onto to say this too

Wanting children isnt usually conditional.

I wonder if you might like to read up more on attachment and child development and see if you are committed enough first. Anything can happen.

My BIL became the primary caregiver when children got to 3. So was a stay at home dad for two years then. He loved it. But SIL did all the heavy lifting first.

There's a reason why women end up as primary carers most of the time. Once you're through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding your career has taken a thumping and your partner's hasn't. It's not impossible to share 50/50 but it risks jeopardising two careers rather than one. Not ideal but it's reality.

Two careers don't need to be jeopardised.

Obviously, maternity leave can have an impact but beyond that there is often no reason why anyone has to take a step back.

The most common reasons women end up stepping back is due to the fact that it's more socially acceptable for women to request part time, because work place culture makes it less acceptable for men to take days off and work flexibly for childcare and because men tend to earn more so their careers are viewed as more important.

These are all things that can be fixed.

I ff DC1 and ebf DC2, and honestly there are no demonstrable differences in their constitutions or their relationships with me. If anything my ff DC is more attached to me, and at 7 genuinely has the body of an Olympian (due to ASD and ADHD and spending every minute of the day running, jumping and climbing). My ebf DC is the slightly squishier one. Neither particularly unhealthy. Neither had more illness than the other.

I haven't read the whole thread...

But I think it sometimes falls a lot to the woman as they are already the diary manager for the couple before having children - that then rolls in to diary management of the kids - which to me as they grow is a lot of headspace - organizing childcare / wrap around school cover / after school clubs / sports / swimming / music / drama / kids parties / presents for kids parties / school forms / special days at school thay thehnneed x or y for / lunch money or packed lunches / play dates / homework help and remembering due dates / reading / school meetings etc etc the list is endless - these are the things that take time and effort and get forgotten how much effort and time a (typically) mums brain spends on remembering and juggling everything - the baby stage I reckon is actually easier to divide one way or other - dads are now able to take paternity leave and childcare settings will take a baby from pretty young - but it's as they grow - the juggling of life that needs considering

Just remember that a baby as an abstract idea might be completely different from actually having one - you might feel the same as you do now, but the hormonal changes might turn you into mama bear who cannot leave her child, you might get PND or post birth issues and find the idea of going back to work so soon impossible, or many other things that you just can't plan for or forsee.

Also, what your DH says now is also abstract - countless women can attest to the fact that offers of help from a DH can change once the baby's arrives.

[quote ttcissoboring]@Wineandroses3 the reason I posted is the last paragraph of my post - I wasn't asking for opinions on whether it's good or bad or for judgements. People are welcome to judge of course I understand it's a public forum but that wasn't the aim of posting. I was asking for experiences of posters who have achieved this.

The reason I posted is because as I've repeated now a few times my circle I don't know anyone that is not a SAHM or doing majority childcare.

I don't have the luxury of asking anyone IRL for their experiences as I don't know anyone IRL with what I am trying to see if is possible. Which is why I am asking people here. [/quote]
Also to note - I know plenty of friends that work full time both parents - they typically have had au pair type help or after school help with younger kids - but both with jobs that are important to them and they make it work and share rolls!
Perhaps in your circle it's less common - but maybe that's the life your friends were after... but that's not to say it doesn't work - it def does for many - good luck - if you want a child / children then don't let that stop you - as long as you and hubby are on same page

I took 9 months maternity leave when my son was born. I ended up with an emergency c-section so had a tough recovery. You can obviously go back sooner but you need to be prepared for needing longer if the birth doesn't go plain sailing.

I have worked full time since I went back, as did my DH until our son was 2. Unfortunately, ill health meant DH had to give up his full time job so I became the main earner. DH now does freelance p/t work around our son which works really well for us as a family. DS is 7 now so DH can take him to/from school meaning he doesn't have to go to wraparound care. Many kids are totally fine in wraparound care but personally, as a child,I didn't like it as I just wanted to get home, so I am glad DS can have that.

Even though I work full time and enjoy my career, my son is still my absolute priority and I don't view our arrangements as 50/50 we are both very much involved parents.

There's nothing wrong with having a career but I prioritise making sure I am home for dinner, I do bath and bedtime (including stories), it's usually me who supports DS with his home learning from school, though DH does this too. I make an effort to get to his swimming lesson as often as possible to watch him swim. I take him to beavers and occasionally help out if they need it.

It can be hard to juggle and tiring but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make for my son.

I think as long as you are willing to devote time to your child, it's great to have a career as well. If you don't want to do that, I would suggest perhaps rethinking whether children are for you.

[quote oklets]@NameChange30 Is this supposed to go against my point? Because this is exactly the kind of pseudo scientific crap I was talking about. Where are the links to real life peer reviewed research using proper methodology to control for factors like socioeconomic status? I definitely don't see that here.[/quote]
@okiets from what I remember years ago when I researched it, the very early colostrum phase is really incomparably beneficial but the actual milk stage is relatively comparable to formula milk. I had a friend disappear down the PND rabbit hole (almost) cause her milk just wouldn't come in but she'd been able to pass colostrum in the first and second day (or however soon you have colostrum, can't remember now). It made a big difference to her actually, she felt a lot readier to swap to formula after that.

I think the huge pressure to breastfeed can be very damaging for women who just can't manage it for whatever reason.

There's a reason why women end up as primary carers most of the time. Once you're through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding your career has taken a thumping and your partner's hasn't. It's not impossible to share 50/50 but it risks jeopardising two careers rather than one. Not ideal but it's reality.

It’s not pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding that impact your career, it’s the long maternity leave. Any long term absence from work does it. Whether you are off to have children, care for elderly, to battle cancer, or backpack the world....any absence thumps your career. And you can have children and breastfeed them (by pumping) without taking a long maternity leave. You can choose to go back to work as soon as you’re physically recovered.

@cheesemarmitepanini

Men and women aren't interchangeable. It's something we all have to accept.

100% disagree with this. My DH took 4 months off when our daughter was born and as the parent who works less hours he does more of the nursery drop offs/pick ups than me. We are totally interchangeable in our child's eyes and she's as likely to call for daddy in the night as mummy

The reason that it’s mostly women who are primary caregivers is that is what our bodies are programmed to do, I’ve never experienced anything like the hormones during pregnancy and the first year, of course not everyone experiences the same thing but the fact that is what most people choose to do tells you something.

From 8 months me and DH were 50:50 as I went back to work FT. I work a lot longer hours in my job than him so I would say on balance he probably does more than me. It can work and does work though I’d say from my friends, work colleagues and the mother’s I’ve met at various classes I’m the only who is truly not the primary carer.

@TheRebelle

The reason that it’s mostly women who are primary caregivers is that is what our bodies are programmed to do, I’ve never experienced anything like the hormones during pregnancy and the first year, of course not everyone experiences the same thing but the fact that is what most people choose to do tells you something.

Societal expectations and stereotypes also play a role though and it's important we don't ignore that fact!

As other posters said, the important point in equal parenting really falls into mental load for children for us. We share their activities on Google calendars, and try to share the organisation equally but it is hard to split the task 50:50 tbh. Practical parenting can totally be doable in 50:50.

@Frederica852 yes, but your husband wasn't pregnant was he? He didn't give birth did he? Men can't do those things, only women can. I think that's what pp meant.

Others are right as well. The hormones from pregnancy and birth can dramatically change our opinions and ways of being.

Ive also known women really struggle to give up control to their husbands. Some of them were all about 50/50 before baby came along, and then could not let their partners do anything because they 'did it wrong'

Like I said before, 50/50 means splitting the load not necessarily the tasks. It also means adapting as children grow and their needs change.

@Rainbowpurple

As other posters said, the important point in equal parenting really falls into mental load for children for us. We share their activities on Google calendars, and try to share the organisation equally but it is hard to split the task 50:50 tbh. Practical parenting can totally be doable in 50:50.

This.

I often say that even though I'm a SAHP we are 50/50 parents because if I were hit by a bus tomorrow, DH knows the kids. He knows their routines, their likes, their allergies, their appointments, their school stuff and he knowns where to look for reminders / anything he doesn't know.

Ive also known women really struggle to give up control to their husbands. Some of them were all about 50/50 before baby came along, and then could not let their partners do anything because they 'did it wrong'

Known as maternal gatekeeping. Not something to be celebrated.

@Goldbar agree! My ex left me with 2 toddlers. I'd never abandon my kids don't know how people do it.

[quote Twizbe]@Frederica852 yes, but your husband wasn't pregnant was he? He didn't give birth did he? Men can't do those things, only women can. I think that's what pp meant.

Others are right as well. The hormones from pregnancy and birth can dramatically change our opinions and ways of being.

Ive also known women really struggle to give up control to their husbands. Some of them were all about 50/50 before baby came along, and then could not let their partners do anything because they 'did it wrong'

Like I said before, 50/50 means splitting the load not necessarily the tasks. It also means adapting as children grow and their needs change. [/quote]
I get tired of this "oh you'll change your mind once the baby's here" stuff. I didn't. I'm the same today as pre-kids. All the stuff I care about is the same. Never had an issue with childcare or her dad looking after her, never thought they weren't doing it as well as me. She's clean, fed and happy with all of her caregivers.
In my opinion we big up the maternal role way too much. For a long time I felt lesser because I didn't morph into this idealised mother figure overnight. What I've realised is that it's rubbish. Anyone can care for and bond with a child, mothers don't have a monopoly on it.
My daughter and I have fun together and she knows how loved she is. What else is there?

I get tired of this "oh you'll change your mind once the baby's here" stuff. I didn't. I'm the same today as pre-kids. All the stuff I care about is the same. Never had an issue with childcare or her dad looking after her, never thought they weren't doing it as well as me. She's clean, fed and happy with all of her caregivers.
In my opinion we big up the maternal role way too much. For a long time I felt lesser because I didn't morph into this idealised mother figure overnight. What I've realised is that it's rubbish. Anyone can care for and bond with a child, mothers don't have a monopoly on it.
My daughter and I have fun together and she knows how loved she is. What else is there?

Absolutely.
When I went on maternity leave I told my team I'd return full time. I lost count of the number of people who told me I'd change my mind. I didn't.
When I returned to work full time I got told I'd last 6 months. Well, six years later I'm still full time and still love my job,
I also got told how awful it was that I had to return full time. I worked with DH at the time - funny how nobody ever said that to him 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ttcissoboring

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

I was .most definitely not the primary child care for ds ( after breast feeding finished anyway) . Over the years ( he is 16 now) I've done more at some points and at others DH has done more . All responsibilities relating to DS including arranging childcare etc were shared over the years . There were times when we had to negotiate who was responsible for something but it was NEVER EVER me by default even though I worked part time for a.lot of the time . I think this is unusual but it is the case in our family. The reason though is that DHs job was full time and we'll paid but very flexible. I had fewer work days and earned less but had less flexibility work days . Neither DH nor I ever treated my job as less important than DH's .

@PlateSpinnerJuggler

I haven't read the whole thread...

But I think it sometimes falls a lot to the woman as they are already the diary manager for the couple before having children - that then rolls in to diary management of the kids - which to me as they grow is a lot of headspace - organizing childcare / wrap around school cover / after school clubs / sports / swimming / music / drama / kids parties / presents for kids parties / school forms / special days at school thay thehnneed x or y for / lunch money or packed lunches / play dates / homework help and remembering due dates / reading / school meetings etc etc the list is endless - these are the things that take time and effort and get forgotten how much effort and time a (typically) mums brain spends on remembering and juggling everything - the baby stage I reckon is actually easier to divide one way or other - dads are now able to take paternity leave and childcare settings will take a baby from pretty young - but it's as they grow - the juggling of life that needs considering

You see DH did many of these things despite working FT. That is because he is an adult who has always been efficient and well organised . He didn't do it all but he certainly did lots of this sort of stuff at different times. We didn't share it 50/50 in that he did half and I did half but some years or.months if I was very busy he did all of the planning and organising for this sort of stuff and I mean all of it . He opened school letters and organised costumes etc though I of course did some of the actual ferrying and sometimes he handed it all over to me if he was particularly busy.

We had a shared Google home diary very early on and we also have access to each others work diary so we can take the other person's work into account when planning things as well as home stuff.

I don't consider myself the primary caregiver. I breast fed both of mine but managed to do my PhD viva when my first baby was 6 weeks old, and I was back in a rehearsal room with my second baby at the same age. Past the intensive breastfeeding bit I've always split childcare duties and housework 50/50 with my husband.

If you noticed I used the word 'can'.

I returned to work full time after my eldest. Tbf I never had anyone question that decision or tell me I wouldn't last doing it. I never even considered part time because my job at the time just didn't work part time.

Perhaps having that time of both DH and I working full time has meant that when I became a SAHP after DC2, Nothing changed with DH's parenting and adulting. He says my working hours are the hours he works as well.

When I go back to work in a few years it will he full time again or we will both go down to 4 days a week. DH also plans to continue WFH

My ex husband wasn’t a great hubby but he was a good dad. I went back to work fairly soon and he was a SAHD until DD went to school. Worked for us!