To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

@SkinnyMirror

My point is to challenge sweeping ( false) statements about men bring unable to have equal responsibility. That sort of bullshit is damaging!

You might have chosen to live like that but it doesn't have to be like that. That's the point I'm making.

You're missing my point again. Never mind.

You're missing my point again. Never mind.

So what did you mean exactly when you said men can't share childcare responsibility equally?

@Fupoffyagrasshole

Seriously though If you were judged by people why do you even care?? Just do what you want

If your husband doesn’t help 50/50 like you hoped there’s childcare available that you can use instead 🤷‍♀️

You obviously care too much what people think or you wouldn’t have posted on here tbh.

I agree-don’t live your life by what other people think. If you, your DH and child are happy with the way you as a family work things out, what does it matter?Some of my friends put their babies into nursery at 6 weeks-I went p/t and became sahm after my second and view thy period as a really happy time. My way of life would absolutely not have suited some of my friends who said it would bore them to tears. That was said on a non judgy way, just how it would be for them. But I loved being at home. If you’re lucky enough to choose how things will be for you, OP, go for it and appreciate how lucky you are.

To answer your question OP YANBU - after all - this is supposedly the age of equality

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

I think it's this sentence that makes me wonder if having children is the right thing for you. My dh has always been a hands on dad and we split the jobs fairly - cooking, cleaning and childcare. In the early days, I did more childcare because I chose to stay home. When I was the primary earner he did it. How we split everything was agreed between us based on our circumstances at the time. But we both wanted children and would have been happy to parent 100% of the time. It wasn't a case of I only want to parent 50% of the time or won't have children. You need to be 100% committed to your child regardless and saying you only want to do 50% makes it seem like having a child is a compromise and a bit of an inconvenience but you are thinking it might be an ok thing to do. It may not be what you mean, but it does come across that way. There's no anticipation of any pleasure in your post, just how soon can I get back to work and has anyone managed to make sure they don't get landed with having to do more than 50% of the care
Having said that I wouldn't want to have a child with a mysoginistic, selfish partner but that's purely because I want them to be equally committed to their children and wouldn't want to be with someone like that without children anyway.

Men and women ARE different. You can’t compare mothers and fathers when it comes to looking after babies. It’s insulting as a mother to be told you’re not that important, anyone could do your job.

God some of these replies are depressing. Are some women really so anti feminist that they need to pile on a woman daring to ask if genuine shared parenting is possible?
FWIW I think it is. Not initially because of the obvious reasons like recovery from birth & pregnancy and then breastfeeding should that be your choice. But after the initial period. My partner and I mostly manage it now although I do get frustrated that most of the 'mental load' falls on me. I think we both got used to that when I was on mat leave, but I think it's probably better if you do shared parental leave.
Other people will 100% judge you for it and despite you knowing logically that it doesn't make you a bad mother, you'll prob still feel like one sometimes. It's just biologically and societally engrained in us I think.

@oklets

God some of these replies are depressing. Are some women really so anti feminist that they need to pile on a woman daring to ask if genuine shared parenting is possible? FWIW I think it is. Not initially because of the obvious reasons like recovery from birth & pregnancy and then breastfeeding should that be your choice. But after the initial period. My partner and I mostly manage it now although I do get frustrated that most of the 'mental load' falls on me. I think we both got used to that when I was on mat leave, but I think it's probably better if you do shared parental leave. Other people will 100% judge you for it and despite you knowing logically that it doesn't make you a bad mother, you'll prob still feel like one sometimes. It's just biologically and societally engrained in us I think.

It's not anti-feminist to suggest that women have a special role in the physical upbringing of their children.

Comments like this are so patronising and rude

🙄
Human beings sometimes change their minds. I only said she might change her mind. It’s not patronising.

Physical and emotional I should say.

@oklets You must be in a permanent state of misery if you find answers that you disagree with on here DEPRESSING ...

Perhaps have a break from the forum if people disagreeing with you is depressing you eh?

I formula fed both babies, made it definitely easier to share the load with DH.

Are some women really so anti feminist that they need to pile on a woman daring to ask if genuine shared parenting is possible

What if her partner leaves? She is then unwilling to do any parenting because she said she doesn’t want to do parenting unless it’s 50/50?
You never know what life is going to throw at you. You might make plans to be a part-time parent/not the primary care-giver but you can’t go into it set on not having to do it on your own because circumstances can change.

@FuckPilledLatteplus

Men and women ARE different. You can’t compare mothers and fathers when it comes to looking after babies. It’s insulting as a mother to be told you’re not that important, anyone could do your job.

Exactly this. ^ The whole sentiment of the OP's posts is just weird. Women are, always have been, and always WILL be the primary caregiver for the child(ren.) The VAST majority of the time.

People can try to make this different, with all the rad-feminism, and 'MY man can do 50/50 of all the childcare, and I will NOT have it any different' stance, but things are never going to change - ever.

You can even get your man to promise/agree to do 50% of the childcare, and he may promise that, and may even mean it, but it won't happen, not in the majority of cases.

Having a baby is totally different for a man than it is for a woman. From the onset, the man can fuck off to the pub an hour after the baby is born. The woman can't.

I still stand by what I said about the OP's attitude being oddly transactional, and also quite cold.

Just bear in mind things don't always go to plan, you may have birth injuries, PND, your child may be premature or be ill & need care. My plan was that I would stop work & my husband would work full time while I cared for ds, a month before I was due to finish work dh went blind driving to work, he was diagnosed with MS on Christmas Eve, the day I had planned to finish work, I ended up finishing a month early to care for him, ds due date was 17 February, he was born 3 weeks early after I had to be induced because of pre eclampsia, I ended up with emcs & being in high dependency seriously ill. I came out of hospital very fragile & suffering severe PND, I was suicidal & had to be cared for 24/7 for 6 weeks & wasn't totally back to normal for 6 months. Because dh was now unable to work I had to return to work when ds was 8 months old, dh cared for ds but every time he had a relapse I had to take time off to care for them both. Don't make rigid plans until you know how you feel, you could take the maximum paid ML & then return to work or share ML, you may fall so in love with your baby that you don't want to leave them.

Hi OP my DH and I have been TTC, and discussed how we would split responsibilities before we started thinking about children. Like you I don't want to be the primary carer for a number of reasons: I am the primary earner with very good progression prospects, my career is important to me and I have worked hard to get where I am (and need to keep up practice to keep up to date/ certified), I greatly value the company of other adults, and I need the push to socialise and be challenged for my mental health. My DH is very on board with being a stay at home dad after my initial period of maternity leave (I do plan to take 12 months), which we plan to balance with me compressing my hours into a 4 day working week. I expect we will get some stick for it from some family members, but ultimately only we know what will work for us as a family/household. Try not to worry too much about judgement from others, you and your partner know best what will work for you as a family to support your wellbeing and happiness.

I've not read the full thread and for context I'm a SAHP (note the P - I'll come back to that)

50/50 parenting is possible, but I think the important things to note are;

1. it doesn't mean every job is split 50/50. It means that you both take on equal amounts of work even if what you do is different.
2. parenting changes over time. In the newborn days the care of our babies was more focused on me. I breastfed and doing that exclusively was so much easier than combi feeding (I did both) DH 50% in those days was more nappy and household jobs focuses. Our kids are older now and at weekends we take it in turns to give each other me time etc.

It's ok to give yourself maternity leave to recover and breastfeed. Plan to take the year because you just don't know how you'll feel. It's easier to cut it short than to extend it.

I'm a SAHP and I always use parent not mother when saying that. I want my kids to know that I stay at home because I'm a parent and they are young, not just because I'm their mum. I also love being at home.

For me looking after children is a lot more than who stays at home and changes nappies. By going to work and having a steady job and income “parent 1” looks after the kids, by making sure they have clean clothes and dont just eat biscuits all day “parent 2” looks after the kids. It’s a team effort and while some things might be done 90% by 1 parent it still contributes to the happiness and well being of the familly.
In my opinion it doesnt matter who stays at home (mum, dad, nanny…) and who goes to work, who makes the dinners… they all need to be done and you need to find a way that works for your team/familly.

If you both want to go back to work then you’ll need to outsource childcare; if your DH wants to stay at home then you’ll need to back to work etc…

Whatever works for some might not work for you and vice versa!

It might help if you looked at the big picture and remember that the baby stage is a very small part of the journey.

Also people are always going to judge what you do with your kids; that’s just how it is. The sooner you learn to ignore it the better!

Hi OP, you sound very much like me. Wanting to parent genuinely 50/50 is the main reason I don't plan to breastfeed beyond the first two days (I am currently pregnant). My other reason is that the supposed benefits of breastfeeding are massively overstated when you look at the evidence from sibling studies, which unlike other studies, do a better job of controlling for confounding factors like the higher socioeconomic status of women who tend to breastfeed.

I think that whatever the intentions a couple has about 50/50 parenting, that all goes out the window when you start parenting in a situation where one parent is the sole source of food for X amount of months, and has to do all the night feeds, etc.

I aspired to 50/50 too. Figured I'd go back 4 or 5 days at least. The reality was a bit different as we ended up overseas with husband's job for a while and then when my 2nd was born, I wanted one of us to be around for them both rather than both full time. My 2nd also has extra needs so I felt it should be a parent taking him to speech therapy/physio etc..

Our disparity in earning power meant that was me. It could easily have been the other way round if I earnt 3 x my husband's salary. I don't regret the decision but I was a bit bitter about parking my career and pissy about housework etc.. I've retrained now and work for myself flexibly which really suits me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is decisions often change once kids arrive. I have friends who both earn well and really do it 50/50 and it works great for them. You'll find a way to make it work if that's what you want. Much easier to negotiate if you're the higher earner.

I think it's mostly women as, depressingly, men still seem to earn more and also a lot of women do want to be primary carer when kids are still little. There's no rule book - just find out what works for your family.

@FuckPilledLatteplus

Men and women ARE different. You can’t compare mothers and fathers when it comes to looking after babies. It’s insulting as a mother to be told you’re not that important, anyone could do your job.

Once a child is born there is NO reason why you can't share parental responsibility. Whether you chose to do so is another story.

@FuckPilledLatteplus

Comments like this are so patronising and rude

🙄
Human beings sometimes change their minds. I only said she might change her mind. It’s not patronising.

I certainly found it patronising when people says this to me.

@MyPatronusIsACat I don't find people disagreeing with me depressing at all. I just find it depressing that women are so ready to rip shreds out of someone and tell them they are cold, transactional and shouldn't have kids, just because they want their partner to share responsibility. It is absolutely anti feminist.

@cheesemarmitepanini

Physical and emotional I should say.

So men aren't capable of being responsible for physical and emotional well being of their own children????

You need to surround yourself with better quality men if that's what you think.

I think breastfeeding is a red herring and it's a shame, given how low rates are in this country, some people are looking at that as reason for unequal parenting. I breastfed DD but DH has always done 50/50 of the practical stuff. When I was breastfeeding, that meant he just did more of the other stuff. Doing 50/50 doesn't mean you split every task down the middle. You share the overall workload, but some things naturally fall to each parent over time. When I stopped breastfeeding, things just adjusted themselves to balance again.

Mental load and practical parenting are two different things too. I don't know any couple where the mental load is equally shared, but do know quite a few where the practical parenting is, including in my own relationship.