To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

I look after 2 girls who’s parents are absolutely 50/50. They’ve been in full time childcare since they were 8 weeks old and neither parent is primary. They’re all very happy.

I cleaned for a woman who had her 4th baby late on Friday night and went back to work on the Wednesday, leaving the baby with a Nanny. Don't even think of making decisions like this until you're in the situation. There's many a woman who thought she wouldn't be bothered about leaving the baby, who then changes her mind once the little bundle is placed in her arms!!

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

It comes across as if you want to fight out the world’s fight about inequality between you and your partner.

It already sounds tense

There is no need. You and your partner can choose whichever set up works for you as a family

It’s a team effort whichever set up you choose

Good luck

lol, I don't think it's a tense as it appears, maybe he might say different though!

You may even feel completely different about it all when you do actually have a baby op!

I lost 2.1 litres of blood during birth. I had lots of issues, was also incontinent due to forceps delivery.

Believe me, I needed maternity leave to recover. It was like my body was in a car crash.

I went back to work when he was around 10 months old. We found a very good childminder and he's very happy there.

I can understand you though that you don't want to be a SAHM. I'm very much like that, I enjoy working and having my own pay cheque at the end of the month. No way I could stay home for three years.

You're lucky to live in a country that offers maternity leave. I would make the most of it, 1 year goes fast.

You're lucky to live in a country that offers maternity leave. I would make the most of it, 1 year goes fast.

We're lucky to live in a world where women have choices.

"I would say equal responsibility doesn't mean the same role. I consider my DH every bit an equal parent- just because he didn't give birth doesn't mean he has less responsibility. "

Yes I meant, doesn't mean the same role.

"You're contradicting yourself. You said that because men can't give birth there isn't equal responsibility.

If this situation works for you then great. However, it wouldn't work for us so we've chosen a different approach which works for us as a family.
It doesn't mean either of us are less of a parent for making that decision."

I mean men won't ever have equal responsibility for the childcare role.

I'm distracted. It's lunchtime here.

Only on here do I hear of women totally changing their minds about going back to work after children. Every woman I know IRL intended to go back to work, had a plan for full time or 4 days a week and stuck to it.

I was worried before I had children that I would have a personality transplant afterwards because of threads on here. I did not. Planned for shared parental leave both times and 4 days a week and made it happen.

We set out to do 50/50 but ended up with DP as primary carer due to work.

I think you and DP need to sit and write down what you want and communicate.

You said you want DP to cut to working 3/4 days pwk but does he know this? Does he want to? What about long term eg school, subsequent children?

I wouldn't recommend nursery either for under six month old or for only 2/3 days. It's not enough to settle in and means over the 7 days that's a lot of different people doing feeding/changing.

If you are self employed do you WFH? Then a nanny is best. You can both carry on ft from the start but be there for feeds etc.

You haven't mentioned breastfeeding? You can do this (expressing) without being the primary carer but it needs planning and organising.

What were your DP's role models? Do the mother's in his family work?

He may be 50/50 now but many men only show their true colours (misogyny) after DC.

Also expand on what 50/50 looks like- it's not just baby care - who organises parties, sends MILs birthday card, arranges the dentist, takes time off when the DC is ill? It's all this life admin/ emotional work that drains mums and often leads to them stepping back career wise.

What prep has DP made now? Has he googled local childcare? Done the costings? Considered the best pram to get? If he hasn't done anything like that then I think you already have your answer...

I think it's quite difficult to know what you partner is actually going to be like once you are pregnant, on maternity and then back at work. I agree with Onwards upthread, the people who seem most solid are the ones where the split is more even however I think in most cases this was driven by the woman.

In reality the problem is this - you will feel 100% responsible for your child. If your partner doesn't step up, or has a wildly different idea of 50/50 then you won't want the children to miss out so you step in. On the whole (generalisation I know!) I think most men are much more self centred than women and see their jobs as much more important so they can't possibly take time off if the child is sick.

Unfortunately the chances are that you will end up as the primary carer. If your DH is rubbish then, imo, you are often better off being a single parent.

I mean men won't ever have equal responsibility for the childcare role.

I could not disagree more.

Of course men can (and should) have equal responsibility for the childcare role.

I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want to be an equal parent.

@SkinnyMirror

I mean men won't ever have equal responsibility for the childcare role.

I could not disagree more.

Of course men can (and should) have equal responsibility for the childcare role.

I wouldn't be with a man who didn't want to be an equal parent.

Being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, fourth trimester - these things are naturally unequal. And that's fine. Men have an equally important role, but it's different.

@felulageller I do worry about what you said - men showing true colours after DC is born and there's every chance that could happen.

I suppose I have to let go of my anxieties with that as I, as many posters suggest, cannot plan out of my control.

But I still don't think it hurts to have a plan. And that's what I'm doing - plans can change yes but I think the thread has also highlighted, I am a bit of a control freak! I admit it, perhaps and good and a bad thing - I suppose it's helped in my career maybe it will help and hinder in some aspects of parenting.

With that said, the suggestion of a nanny sounds great - DH rejected this idea but I actually think it works as gives best of both worlds / allows me to work from home and be with my baby but the nanny could help so I could still do my work duties etc - so I suppose I would be able to still be with my baby (which isn't possible in a nursery setting for example).

I also don't want to involve any childcare for three months, I want that time alone just me and DH juggling between us.

Also, I agree with many posters I think sexism has been highlighted in many of the posters here and a lot of societal pressure is put on equally if not more from other women, as opposed to men which is quite depressing to read.

With that said, I appreciate I am perhaps not conventional on my approach to motherhood and this actually did defer me wanting children for a while, but then I realise in general I'm not a conventional person! I do like to challenge norms and go against the grain, I always have. Came to the conclusion that doesn't mean I can't be a parent.

There are more than one way to be a parent.

I'm also acutely aware (as highlighted throughout this thread) I will face lots of judgement likely from family and friends, therefore I need to be thick skinned for this process!

Being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, fourth trimester - these things are naturally unequal. And that's fine. Men have an equally important role, but it's different.

For a finite amount of time! Not forever!

Seriously though If you were judged by people why do you even care?? Just do what you want

If your husband doesn’t help 50/50 like you hoped there’s childcare available that you can use instead 🤷‍♀️

You obviously care too much what people think or you wouldn’t have posted on here tbh.

How do you know you won’t change your mind when you have a child? There’s always a possibility that you’ll want to become the primary care-giver but you’re being very stubborn and uncompromising here.

Just wait and see how you feel once DC are here.

I have two DS, ebf both, took 12 months off with each. Now work 4 days a week as does DH (which works really well), DC in childcare for the 3 days we both work (DS1 now at school).

With a bf baby I did find that I did a lot of the heavy lifting for the first 6 months at least. I don't like expressing (to me it's just a massive faff - great thing about bf is no sterilising, prep etc!) so I accepted that side of it. Once they both got a bit less milk dependent we moved to a more equal place.

Now I think it's pretty much 50:50 (DC are now
5 and 2). I do more of the organising (appointments, uniform buying, childcare planning etc) and low impact activities (craft, play doh, stories, bedtime) DH does more playing, trampoline bouncing and cake making because that suits our personalities and strengths but I think it balances out fairly evenly.

I certainly think it can be done but both parties have to be willing to pull their weight. That said I'd accept that the first 6-12 months are likely to be more on your shoulders so you might want to make your peace with that and make sure your DH/DP doesn't get too established in the "secondary role" and is willing to step up more once the early baby days are over.

@FuckPilledLatteplus

How do you know you won’t change your mind when you have a child? There’s always a possibility that you’ll want to become the primary care-giver but you’re being very stubborn and uncompromising here.

Haha so many people said this to me when I was pregnant. I didn't change my mind.

I was told I'd last 6 months working full time. Well, I've lasted 6 years so far 😂😂😂

Comments like this are so patronising and rude

My mum went back to work very soon after I was born so had to shake off the inevitable criticisms.

I took 4.5 months off with DS1 and 5.5 with DS2. DH was a SAHP from when DS1 was about 10 months old as I was 6 months pregnant at that point and it was cheaper for him to quite work than to pay for a childminder for 2. He also did a bit of part time work until they were in school and then I dropped a few hours so I could do school pick up and he went back to work full time. To be honest it was finances that dictated it as I earned more and at that time mat leave wasn't as well funded.

I don't think there is any shame in not being solely the main caregiver but it might depend on where you live as to how easy a man fits into playgroups etc if that is the plan.

@SkinnyMirror

Being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, fourth trimester - these things are naturally unequal. And that's fine. Men have an equally important role, but it's different.

For a finite amount of time! Not forever!

Isn't everything for a finite amount of time? What's your point?

My point is, women can't just go back to work a week after giving birth as easily or as socially acceptably as men can. For a lot of reasons. Mainly due to the fact that we aren't the same.

My point is to challenge sweeping ( false) statements about men bring unable to have equal responsibility. That sort of bullshit is damaging!

You might have chosen to live like that but it doesn't have to be like that. That's the point I'm making.

We took turns at being full time, though not from very early on. So for a few years I worked long hours ( eg 98 hour week some weeks) and DH went part time for those years.

@seaandsandcastles

Okay - to elaborate further. You have the mindset of a part time parent with little empathy or associations of love towards children.

You would be carrying and birthing this child. If you wanted to go back to work as soon as you could I would be concerned you hadn’t bonded with your baby.

You should emotionally detached. Hence why I think you should rethink.

This. ^

@ttcissoboring I agree with the many posters who have said similar to seaandsandcastles

You don't sound ready for children, and are talking about them and the potential care for them as transactional and somewhat inconvenient.

You're not ready for children. At all.