To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

If you only want a child on the dream that you won’t be a primary caregiver and only want to do 50/50 then I would be wary about making the commitment to have children at all.

Many things can happen in life that mean 50/50 just isn’t feasible and you may well find yourself in the primary caregiver role even if that’s not what you want.

If you aren’t prepared to take that risk then don’t do it.

@seaandsandcastles

Okay - to elaborate further. You have the mindset of a part time parent with little empathy or associations of love towards children.

You would be carrying and birthing this child. If you wanted to go back to work as soon as you could I would be concerned you hadn’t bonded with your baby.

You should emotionally detached. Hence why I think you should rethink.

Wow, who said women had made progress? Based on this response, we certainly haven’t.

I have to say that out of the people I know, the happiest ones with the best marriages are the ones where they have pretty even splits and a lot of support for both parent, in terms of both having careers and both doing childcare. Obviously for the first six months, that might not be the case, but after that why not? My husband used to do a lot of the 'wifework' such as buying shoes, taking kids to clubs, cooking (badly) and didn't just assume I would do it; equally at other times I've stepped forward as the main parent. I have friends in similar situations, in one the woman is very high flying, dad works from home, the other they both work in busy jobs and share domestic duties for one child.

I don't know any families over 2 kids where this split works similarly, the families I know with 3 or 4 kids tend to end up with mum default, working part time as that's a lot of clubs/after school activities, unless perhaps they are very wealthy, but that doesn't leave a lot of time for couple stuff, nights out.

The happiest mums I know have interesting careers and get to socialize on their own away from their families as well, and that's prioritized by the whole family. This only works if you have competent dads who can care for their kids for the whole weekend without fussing about it.

It can be harder earlier on though, when the kids are little and everyone is tired and exhausted, but I think it's worth persisting. I have friends who became the default parent, and the problem is then they are the default parent on weekends or evenings as well and never go out to socialize or do their hobbies or so on as they are the main point of contact and taxi for the children for decades.

Many men appear not to be sexist but really they are- does your partner honestly feel your career and your life is as important as theirs? Would they move for your job? (so many men will expect women to move but not them to move) Are they already hinting you might like to go part-time and spend the extra time cleaning/childcaring? Are they listening when you say you would like to have a nanny and continue at work?

It may be you get a nanny, continue at work and then change your mind, but that's ok. It's easier to do that than try to get some quietly sexist guy to accept his role in the household needs to step up if you have gone part-time and want to change that...

@hocusspocuss why don’t you educate yourself on the benefits of breastmilk instead of of spouting nonsense

The Earth mother responses from posers who think that idea of 50/50 parenting means OP should re think having children are depressing. These are the same women who turn up to moan on every thread about husbands not pulling their weight with childcare, being the lower earner and having no money, having no independence. But hey at least you are permanently attached your child and biologically superior for not wanting to have a life aside from motherhood. It really shows that the problem for women is not men standing in their way but other judgemental women.

In my opinion it's about how you plan this with your partner. I listen or read about women complaining their partners don't do things, and I'm just thinking 'don't stand for it'.

I did the majority of the first 6 months because breast feeding and was on mat leave. I was happy to do that (had been discussed before I was even pregnant). After that I went back to work and we both went part time, so child was only in nursery 3 days a week. We both took a financial/professional hit.

Since then it's been absolutely half and half. We're both back to full time work. We just communicate well around what we've done for child. He does all school arrangements because I can't get there due to my working hours - that includes all meet the teacher stuff, and lunch stuff etc. I pick up from after school club. He's on the same parents whatsapp groups as I am (although he mutes them all!), some kids parents contact him rather than me if it's a school thing and so on.

You've just got to decide to make it happen.

[quote ttcissoboring]@Wineandroses3 the reason I posted is the last paragraph of my post - I wasn't asking for opinions on whether it's good or bad or for judgements. People are welcome to judge of course I understand it's a public forum but that wasn't the aim of posting. I was asking for experiences of posters who have achieved this.

The reason I posted is because as I've repeated now a few times my circle I don't know anyone that is not a SAHM or doing majority childcare.

I don't have the luxury of asking anyone IRL for their experiences as I don't know anyone IRL with what I am trying to see if is possible. Which is why I am asking people here. [/quote]
Ok I’ve just read your OP and you have said you don’t want to be the primary care giver to the baby. So to answer your question in the vast majority of cases the primary care giver to a baby is the mother. Of course, there are some acceptions to this, but usually it’s the mother and I would be cautious about becoming a mother if you don’t want to be the primary care giver as you have stayed in your post. Hope that helps.

@SkinnyMirror

Until men can be pregnant and give birth, having children will never, ever be an equal responsibility.

But once you've given birth there is no reason why children can't be an equal responsibility.

Equal responsibility doesn't mean mum and dad have to have equal roles.

My husband earns all the money, I provide all the childcare. Roles are completely different but carry equal responsibility

@ttcissoboring like PP have said it's very difficult to decide things before a baby is born as the hormones (and the baby!) aren't present.
You might find it impossible to leave baby, but how would that work if DH had already gone part time/left work and you were expected back at work. DH May find parenting much harder than he realised and felt he needed to work so would you be ok with baby in full time childcare?
Another thing to consider is if you and DH separated and he was the SAHD he would get baby as he's the main care giver and you may be left with every other weekend so while it's not something you want to think about it needs to be considered. Hope you both find the balance that works for you

I'm planning to take a day or two off a week but I want DH to do the same.

You want him to take days off each week, does he want to?

If you're looking to have children and have ideas of how you want organise your life you really ought to be discussing it with your husband not mumsnet. Most of your post is about how you want to arrange your life, really you need your husbands input. No matter how many say doing 50/50 is possible we do it, it won't help if he's not on board.

Even if he is on board for 50/50 you need to take into account that life throws up all sorts of unexpected issues. One of you may need to go full time, could be ill (hopefully not). Even if you start 50/50 accept it may not stay that way for some reason.

Oh, and in the early days, I pumped breast milk from as soon as I could so he could feed her. The midwife gave him a syringe to feed her colostrum in the first 2 days. She was drinking breast milk from a bottle from day 3.

That’s definitely not normal. Most women do not want physically attach themselves to their children 24 hours a day. That’s abnormal.

No one said anything about physically attaching themselves to anyone 😂 especially not for 24 hours a day...

I dont know who these people are that 'judge'. Where I live most woman return to work, their is one SAHD but tbh he made his money before having DC and his wife is alot younger and was keen to get back to work. I went back to work after my first DC when he was 4mths old. Maternity leave wasnt the same as it is now and I couldnt afford any longer. I wasnt judged by anyone. I also went back to work within 7mths after my next two. My last one i took a year and had a lovely time off but I was well established in my career.

You seem to have anxiety that based on others around you that having a DC will mean you do 'everything' including giving up work. I think given your anxiety you need to have a very frank discussion about what having a baby means for you both as a couple. it isnt unusual for some men to revert to old attitudes..woman has baby equates to them being the 'man of the house' and woman does housework and cooks his tea. My DH seemed to change overnight after our first DC, i was shocked that this man who was a competent cook, managed to do his share around the house seemed to think I had become his mother. He was told under no uncertain terms that i wasnt putting up with that shit.

Why is it you want children?

Looking at this from outside, I think could be problematic that you want to apply very definite options to a very unpredictable future situation....its fine to have a plan for what would be your preferred way to do something and to explore how you might make that plan work....like getting partner 100% on board, exploring your early childcare options and so on but as you seem to be so set on how you want the future to be, I'd also be making sure that as well as plan A you have plans B,C and D, also that you and your partner understand which bits of what you want are non negotiable and which bits would be easier for you to relinquish
Actually I'd say the same to anybody who had definite ideas about how they want a life changing event to work out.

@ttcissoboring
I think you can achieve any arrangement you want as long as it suits both of you.
I'm a bit taken aback by some of the views on this thread tbh.
So if you don't want to be the primary caregiver I think the challenge is not falling in to this default where your husband doesn't realise what he should be doing as you are automatically doing it all whilst you are on maternity leave. For many there is a pinch when the mum returns to work and expect the partner to then step up and the partner has gotten very used to not being involved.
So the questions you need to discuss are who is doing what, when and is everyone going to be happy with it.
Is it 50/50, you as primary caregiver or your partner as primary caregiver.
Any of these work when both parties are happy.

Personally, I think it is incredibly hard to plan anything that solid in advance as there are so many variables and neither of you know how you will cope with parenthood until you are in the midst of it. My husband initially thought he would enjoy being at home with a baby and may scale his work down whilst I worked more (he is self-employed and works from home. In reality, he realised he would have never have coped with it and he didn't fully appreciate how difficult those early months and years are. Not impossible though with childcare etc but I would have found it very hard to hand my child over at such a young age.

I'm 60 and my first my granny and later my (beloved) stepdad were my primary carers because my mom worked FT, so it's perfectly possible. In my circumstances it was probably for the best because my mum was not cut out for parenthood. However the inconsistency of my care givers, the absence of my natural father and the emotional distance of my mother has left me insecurely attached.

My mum is old and frail now and I'm her main carer. I'm kind and considerate to her because she is vulnerable and I would never be unkind to someone in need but I am still very detached from her and harbour deep resentment that she was never very kind to me and always put herself first...and still does.

My 2 year old has never had any formula or cows milk, he was also a bottle refuser. I went back to work 4 days a week at 9 months and my husband took four months shared parental leave. It was fine! He filled up on solids during the working day and had extra milk when I was around. Breastfeeding doesn't have to be a barrier to equal parenting or going back to work.

I was a lot like you and we have managed to make 50:50 parenting work though I agree it's unusual. My main tip is lots of communication and agreeing who is in charge of what. We have a rota for pick ups and drop offs and we also fairly strictly take sick days and medical appointments in turns. We have agreed who does what chores. It might sound regimented but it works for us.

The other thing is starting as you mean to go on, shared parental leave is really helpful

Equal responsibility doesn't mean mum and dad have to have equal roles.

I would say equal responsibility doesn't mean the same role. I consider my DH every bit an equal parent- just because he didn't give birth doesn't mean he has less responsibility.

My husband earns all the money, I provide all the childcare. Roles are completely different but carry equal responsibility

You're contradicting yourself. You said that because men can't give birth there isn't equal responsibility.

If this situation works for you then great. However, it wouldn't work for us so we've chosen a different approach which works for us as a family.
It doesn't mean either of us are less of a parent for making that decision.

I had 4 months maternity with both of mine same they went to nursery full time so we split everything equally. I went self employed and started working all hours when they were 2 and 4 and DH became a stay at home dad. He went back to work when they were 9 and 11 as I was struggling with my hours so we went back to sharing their care, not that they really need much now! I work from home so I do school runs and I probably take them out at the weekend more but he cooks every night and cleans when we are out. I don’t feel like I ve missed out, I have a brilliant relationship with my children and always have, often I wouldn’t see them from Sunday to Friday as they would be in bed when I left for work and when o got home but I had all school holidays off and we had brilliant fun, also at the weekends because DH did everything at home so we just got to go out and have fun. It can definitely work but you need to talk about it beforehand to plan how you will share things.

[quote ttcissoboring]@Wineandroses3 the reason I posted is the last paragraph of my post - I wasn't asking for opinions on whether it's good or bad or for judgements. People are welcome to judge of course I understand it's a public forum but that wasn't the aim of posting. I was asking for experiences of posters who have achieved this.

The reason I posted is because as I've repeated now a few times my circle I don't know anyone that is not a SAHM or doing majority childcare.

I don't have the luxury of asking anyone IRL for their experiences as I don't know anyone IRL with what I am trying to see if is possible. Which is why I am asking people here. [/quote]
I think it is fine for you to plan 50:50 as you are doing.

My only note of caution is that once you have been pregnant, given birth to, and breastfed your baby, you MIGHT feel differently about things. Hormones are powerful and you may well not want a true 50:50 when it comes to it. This perhaps explains why so many women do end up being primary caregiver to infants/toddlers.

But if you do - great!

@RussianSpy101

Why is it you want children?

Why does anyone?

It comes across as if you want to fight out the world’s fight about inequality between you and your partner.

It already sounds tense

There is no need. You and your partner can choose whichever set up works for you as a family

It’s a team effort whichever set up you choose

Good luck

Having read your updates about being self employed OP, I should think that something near to a 50/50 split would be much more easy for your family to achieve. My husband and I are self employed, and it does give us an advantage when it comes to planning and participating in childcare.

One thing I would suggest, is as other PP have said, keep an open mind too! It is impossible to know how you will feel once baby is here. Hormones etc have a lot to answer for! A theoretical baby doesn't resemble the real thing in any way . I would say, by all means make plans, but don't be hard on yourself if all your previous ideas go out the window after a baby is born. Just go with the flow.

I'm sorry about your previous losses