To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

We are both ft and juggle our 2 dc between us. I would physically have struggled to go back to work at 6 months. Went back at 10 months and will be 11 months probably when I have my 3rd next year.
If your relationship is good, maternity leave is the period to watch out for where things can slide to you and you are very physically attached to baby if bf while your dh is quite free. It was always a given we would share pick up and drop off but I had to be very clear that if doing drop off dh does everything for the dc in the morning (he’s usually gone early so I’m on my own to do mornings) and must check they have everything they need. If he sends a toddler to childcare without a change of clothes that’s bad parenting. He will take paternity leave with dc3, he’s not had that option before so this should be good.

I wasn’t maternal, didn’t play with dolls, had never changed a nappy. The pull towards your own baby is very different though.
I think you are quite naive with breastfeeding. If you breastfeed you will spend bulk of time with baby to get feeding established so you will be primary carer and it’s not a scenario where you could leave a breast fed baby 8 hours a day 5 days a week only a few weeks after birth. Bottle may suit you best.
In lots of countries eg America 6-8 weeks off and back to full time work is norm.
If he’s going to be stay at home dad or nanny you’ll be fine to go back as soon recovered physically. Nursery and childminder don’t tend to take until baby a bit older.
Also as mum of disabled child undetected on scans it’s worth remembering it’s not like ordering a baby online - you get what you get. You or baby may have serious health issues requiring ongoing care. I was in hospital nearly 2 weeks when she was born if I’d only planned 2 weeks off work that would have been impossible.

Who will take days off work when your baby/child is ill? Happens a lot at childcare (a LOT!)

You can’t breastfeed and go back to work easily a few weeks/months after birth.

If you breastfeed, it won’t be equal. You’ll be waking up to feed all night- can be every hour or two when they’re little, ill, teething or growing. Babies feed a lot in the daytime.

I have to add that although it’s possible, nursery for a very young baby is far from ideal for the child.

I think you need to have a conversation about your other half on how you are going to split everything (care, drop off/pick up, finance, work, house chores, etc). It is important to have that clearly established well in advance.
The trickiest bit to plan is the first year I find as so many things are out of your control. You may agree that you will to back to work after x weeks/months but may not be able to because of difficult recovery from.birth/difficulty breastfeeding etc. In this respect you really have to accept you will have to be flexible. I used to think I was fit and healthy and woule.cope well with all of this. Boy was I wrong...

Some of the attitudes in this thread show exactly why there will never be gender equality because we are typecast into the "little woman at home" role. No wonder there's a gender pay gap!

It's sex equality women want.

Until men can be pregnant and give birth, having children will never, ever be an equal responsibility.

@furbabymama87

If you feel this way before you have children, then don't have them. You can still work and have kids and there's childcare and efforts you can go to to make that happen, but they will always be your priority.

Should I return my son then? I still feel this way... I love him and he's wonderful, but I'd go mad if all my focus was on him

If your DH is on board with it then absolutely its possible. I went back to work at 4 months I worked FT 4 long days, DH worked FT 4 long days. Nursery for 3 days 8 - 6.30. By the time I had DTs I was quite burnt out at work (work related not child juggling related) and took 7 months mat leave and went back 3 long days (still equivalent to most oeoples FT + ) and they did 2 days in nursery. DC 1 is by far the most well adjusted child. My DH has been totally hands on from day one , has had sole charge and care for the children when needed as is equally as competent and able than me. Probably more so as he is more patient and worries less. He is just as capable of dealing with school, healthcare etc. I know many families who work the same way as us.

Until men can be pregnant and give birth, having children will never, ever be an equal responsibility.

But once you've given birth there is no reason why children can't be an equal responsibility.

Many do because they like the idea of raising future citizen into our society.

UTTER BOLLOCKS

@Wineandroses3 the reason I posted is the last paragraph of my post - I wasn't asking for opinions on whether it's good or bad or for judgements. People are welcome to judge of course I understand it's a public forum but that wasn't the aim of posting. I was asking for experiences of posters who have achieved this.

The reason I posted is because as I've repeated now a few times my circle I don't know anyone that is not a SAHM or doing majority childcare.

I don't have the luxury of asking anyone IRL for their experiences as I don't know anyone IRL with what I am trying to see if is possible. Which is why I am asking people here.

I know plenty of families with 50/50 split. You can find a nursery that accepts even newborns even though I am not advocating this option. Then you share drop off/pick ups with your partner.
I see awful lot of fathers doing both.
Depending on how your other half feels about it another realistic option would be a shared parental leave.. Let's say you take 3onths off and he then takes 3 months off as an example. Absolutely doable. Ignore the judgemental women telling you not to have children. In MN world if you are not breastfeeding until the child asks your to stop and moves straight to beer is a cardinal sin.

Also all 3 children have a strong bond with both of us and are just as happy to be cared for/settled etc by either of us. They don't love either of us more or less but are very loving children who feel safe and nurtured by both parents. I think that's a plus.

Also there are loads of dads doing school drop off/pick ups round us.

My perspective with 2 DC born 20+ years ago
I took a 3 month leave with both which meant going back to work ft when they were around 10 weeks old. DH had 4 weeks of with both (2 weeks immediately and then 2 weeks just before I went back.
I didn't bf by choice and we shared care from day 1, and employed a nanny.
I wouldn't say that I was the primary caregiver, but I was the default parent, just because of the way our careers developed. Mine remained local (I was a company director) whereas DH moved to an international company with lots of travel. However apart from having to cover when he was away we were 50/50.
My job had more flexibility on a day to day basis but was full, but his was more flexible in terms of being able to take planned time off and lots of leave.

I think if you set out to do 6 months each parental leave you have a much better chance of establishing a fifty fifty, though the social pressure will default to that being you.
Becoming parents changes a lot though, so don't assume that your feelings will be the same. Your body and hormones will prepare for this baby in ways that dhs won't. Babies need consistent primary attachment figures and this can be achieved with fifty fifty and nursery care but avoid too many periods of long absence or long hours five days a week at nursery - some children are more sensitive and you can't predict outcomes in advance.
Attachment theory is wildly unpopular and frowned upon because its inconvenient, as are male female differences in biology. However ignoring millennia of evolution is unwise - work with it not against it.

[quote seaandsandcastles]**@ChazsBrilliantAttitude* @SkinnyMirror* I think you may be missing my point and perhaps that’s my fault for not being clear.

I’m not stating breastfeeding is more beneficial on the whole, I’m saying that there are a specific set of benefits that come with breastfeeding like higher immune systems, lower illnesses etc.

That’s just fact. If FF is better for you and your family because of mental health, an inability to latch or just plain choice, that’s great - do what suits you. I’m not talking about personal situations.

I’m saying that scientifically, there are specific benefits to breastfeeding that you and your baby would receive if you BF. Whether you can or can’t or do or don’t, that’s just fact.[/quote]
The benefits of breastfeeding are largely due to the fact that breastfed babies in this country are more likely to be from higher income households and therefore reap all the economic, health and societal benefits that that brings. It isn't that the milk itself has magic in it.

@user1493494961

I would re-think having a child.

Your village is missing an idiot. They want you back.

Perfectly reasonable to want 50-50 but you can’t have a baby without understanding that might not be reasonable.

You might leave your partner
He might leave you
He might die
Your child might be disabled

Plus any number of other possibilities.

My DH is an excellent parent and better in lots of areas than me. But we had two autistic children.

They need a certain amount of continuity and lots of appointments and assessments etc. It’s easier if one person manages that stuff so one has knowledge of the whole situation from start to end.

I think it’s more sensible to aim to play to strengths in terms of managing the home and parenting,

@DownWhichOfLate

You definitely don’t sound ready to be a parent yet.

Why because she wants her real independence rather than being a SAHP?

@ttcissoboring

And I've also made it very clear in my post when I am physically able to return - irrespective of how long that takes.

I understand that birth needs recovery period. I mean once recovered.

The reason for the long maternity women get in this country is because it can take that long and longer to recover. Now personally I believe that you will be a fabulous mother whatever you decide to do. Given all that, have you thought about if you have a child with extra needs? If the father leaves after the child is born, not simply because he leaves after all there are plenty of lone parents out there, but if he has 50/50 with you (admirable aims and somewhat more common these days thankfully) the practicalities of that if you are separated. Or even if father leaves and wants nothing to do with you or child. How will you cope then. All these things can be overcome, but may as well think about them well before any child is here. FWIW I didnt think about any of these things and ended up lone parenting two children with zero input from the father, and no family nearby at all to help. It was a long lonely time.

If you need childcare

@cheesemarmitepanini

For me I couldn't physically separate myself from my kids. I think it's a natural biological tie that you have to try very hard to break in order to go back to work immediately after birth like a man can (plus your body has been through a massive trauma that a man's hasn't). I actually couldn't leave mine for more than an hour without worrying and feeling a kind of loss even after 6 months old. And I found that I didn't actually want to.

This is how I felt. I'm just letting go a bit now he's 3.5

That’s definitely not normal. Most women do not want physically attach themselves to their children 24 hours a day. That’s abnormal.

@hocusspocuss
The benefits of breastfeeding are largely due to the fact that breastfed babies in this country are more likely to be from higher income households and therefore reap all the economic, health and societal benefits that that brings. It isn't that the milk itself has magic in it.

That is not true. Breastmilk contains immunity boosts from the mother to the baby. It also has a protective factor against childhood and adult obesity. It is sterile so the baby is also protected from water bourne illnesses. There are other biological benefits as well. It’ not all about economic or class differences.

I think you need to think to yourself if you were to have a baby and for whatever reason you found the 50:50 split that you are looking for did not happen - what would you do? You can’t give the baby back.