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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact her sister? Urgent. Not sure what to do.

143 replies

Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 21:05

Im looking for some advice and it’s quite a specific situation.
I made friends with someone online a couple of years ago, through a mutual support group. We stayed in contact outside of the group and we’ve spoken on the phone and message most days - although we’ve never met and live several hours apart. I count her as a friend but I don’t have any real insight into her life because of the distance. I know her, but I don’t really know her. I feel like we’ve been penpals (email pals?) and our situations have been very similar at times.

However she has gradually become more and more depressed over recent months and has made comments about taking her own life - but it’s hard to judge the tone and how serious she is. If she’s venting or means it.
But I am worried tonight. She’s messaged to say her partner isn’t there and her kids are at her parents’ and she’s asked me to take care of myself and told me it’ll all be alright as well as some stuff about it not mattering when we die if we’ve ever been alive and she’s going to do what she needs to for her children.
It’s not totally out of character but I’m concerned she’s on her own. I have her sister’s name and could contact via fb but I doubt her sister even knows I exist and I don’t want to make things worse or cause trouble. On the other hand I am worried.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like meddling and I’m in a weird situation where I know some things about her but having never met her I don’t know her family or friends or day to day life.
Do I message her sister? Do I leave it? I’ve asked outright if she’s planning on harming herself and she’s said no but then she would say that. She’s told me not to worry and that she’s having an early night.

I don’t want to make things worse for her... but what if she harms herself?

OP posts:
aquashiv · 03/09/2021 23:27

Definitely did the right thing well done

Alternista · 03/09/2021 23:30

You absolutely did the right thing.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 03/09/2021 23:30

@ThankYouStavros I’m so sorry for your loss FlowersFlowers

Lalliella · 03/09/2021 23:34

I would try to contact her sister, but if you’re using Facebook messenger and you’re not friends she may not see it. So if she doesn’t reply straightaway I would contact the police. They can look up addresses for people.

Cringingjustthinkingaboutit · 03/09/2021 23:34

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Worst case scenario in this situation now (assuming sister is on the case) is you lose a friendship. If it were the other way round and you hadn’t contacted the sister and your worst fears came to pass then someone may have lost their life. Hugs to you OP and I hope all is well Flowers

Lalliella · 03/09/2021 23:35

Sorry, didn’t read the full thread, you did the right thing OP.

Starseeking · 03/09/2021 23:42

You did the right thing in contacting the sister.

Not quite as immediate as on the same night, but I had a friend who would often go awol for a few days. I didn't know anything about depression then, or just how bad it could be.

One particular week, I'd said to myself if I hadn't heard from friend by the Monday, I'd contact her sister. Friend actually sent me a text on the Monday indicating she'd be at an event on the Friday, so I never made the call. My friend never turned up on the Friday, then on the Saturday morning, I got an urgent FB message from her sister asking to call, when I did, she said she'd found my friend dead the previous evening.

As someone upthread said, overreacting is far better than underreacting in this scenario. My circumstance happened 7 years ago, and I still think about the 'ifonlys'.

MollyBloomYes · 03/09/2021 23:43

You've done the right thing OP. When I made my attempt I was acting oddly enough that in the end two of my friends ended up contacting my parents (I was at university). I still feel guilty that I put them in that position but they are still my friends to this day and I am forever grateful to them. I genuinely meant to go through with it (or at least, wanted everything to 'stop' which is a common feeling) but perhaps subconsciously had enough survival instinct left to breadcrumb with weird messages that alerted them to the fact that all was not ok.

Your friend might be angry for a while. She might not (I wasn't but many are). That's ok. Please please believe that you absolutely have done the right thing, you had enough concerns to act on them and that is never something you should blame yourself for. Depression can do ridiculous things to a person's brain and perception so if she is angry please try not to take it to heart. I and everyone else on here know that you are a very good friend and person indeed Thanks

eeek88 · 03/09/2021 23:44

TW SUICIDE
Trust your intuition.

It’s easy to dismiss behaviour like this as attention-seeking, not serious. But sometimes it is serious.

I once went to bed thinking there was nothing more I could do about my partner’s MH crisis. I was tired, and if I’m honest, I was also scared for my own safety if I continued to try to intervene. He’s insanely strong and had made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t to go near him… I’d have been foolish to push it… As I tried to get comfortable and go to sleep, a voice in my head very forcibly told me I had to act. I put a coat over my pyjamas, went out into the freezing night, watched him silently from a safe distance and realised I needed to call the police without delay. By the time they arrived he was standing on a barrel with his head in a noose.

If I hadn’t listened to that little voice saying, ‘I’m afraid you need to get out of bed and deal with this,’ and if the police hadn’t come when they did, I don’t think he’d be here now .

SalmonEile · 03/09/2021 23:45

You’ve done the right thing. I’ve been in this situation, it’s so hard when you know someone “virtually” and can only go on what they type and you’re asking yourself are they in genuine danger or just venting

memberofthewedding · 03/09/2021 23:46

This reply has been deleted

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SeoultoSeoul · 03/09/2021 23:50

memberofthewedding
Really?
Even though depression can be very treatable?

tensmum1964 · 03/09/2021 23:51

You have definitely done the right thing. I would be surprised if your friend is angry with you as her conversation is worrying and even if she is very depressed she knows what she is implying. She would be hard pushed to blame you for contacting her sister given the things she has said.

Sunshinesandice · 03/09/2021 23:51

I hope all
Is ok with your friend xx

XenoBitch · 03/09/2021 23:57

@memberofthewedding

I would not interfere.

I strongly believe that when people make a decision to end their lives then they should be allowed to do so without inteference from others.

I agree to a point. It depends on context. Some people make that decision because they are mentally unwell. In that case, they need help. Some people pay a lot of money to go to places like Dignitas... and they will have been assessed and judged that it is the right decision for them.
Mamanyt · 04/09/2021 01:09

If you think that having the police go round is adviseably, call them. They can reverse-trace the number and get the address.

Mamanyt · 04/09/2021 01:10

@Mamanyt

If you think that having the police go round is adviseably, call them. They can reverse-trace the number and get the address.
advisable, dammit. I do my best proofreading after hitting "post message."
VenusTiger · 04/09/2021 01:13

@memberofthewedding

I would not interfere.

I strongly believe that when people make a decision to end their lives then they should be allowed to do so without inteference from others.

That really depends on the circumstances. I had to "interfere" more than once when my DH (then my BF) attempted it. Me, all by myself. I had no idea what I was doing, but it's instinct as well as love. He made a full recovery. There are some depressions that are circumstantial and you can overcome them. There are some depressions that are not helped by lifestyle and diet i.e. chemical imbalance. Neither of us regrets the actions I took. It's all in the past now.
AutomaticMoon · 04/09/2021 01:29

@Feltedsheep

I don’t have an address. I know it’s ridiculous - I’ve got an email address and a phone number and that’s it. I know her sister’s name and her mum and dad’s names (first and second) but I’ve never had any reason for an address. I have the village and the area and that’s it.
The police came to check on me after I said on Twitter that I was suicidal because of British Gas destroying my life. The police man was unhelpful but I wasn't actively suicidal anyway, just chronically suicidal, I hadn't actually attempted in many years. The police can find her for a welfare check from the village and phone number/name.
whateveryouwantmetosay · 04/09/2021 01:43

@memberofthewedding

I would not interfere.

I strongly believe that when people make a decision to end their lives then they should be allowed to do so without inteference from others.

What terrible advice. What if someone gave your dc's friend that advice?

me4real · 04/09/2021 01:55

If you have a phone number the police can trace where the person is through that (I've been in a position suimilar to yours in the past.)

Well done for contacting the sister. We really can't ignore these things buut have to do what we can. Imagine how you'dve felt if she did do something and you'd done nothing to try and stop it.

me4real · 04/09/2021 02:00

I strongly believe that when people make a decision to end their lives then they should be allowed to do so without inteference from others.

@memberofthewedding Many of us have felt suicidal at times and even harmed ourselves, but we came out the other side. So I think we should do everything we can to help people recover or gain their mental health and happiness. Feeling suicidal or even a suicidal gesture or attempt doesn't mean it's time for that person's life to end now or that we shouldn't try and get them help.

I have bipolar and am classed as severely disabled by it, but I live a fairly happy and content life and have done for most of the last 17 years since they found a med that helped me.

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2021 02:05

I think you did the right thing.

When I was very unwell this situation was when I attempted suicide as I knew my DF were being looked after and wouldn't be there to 'find me'.

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2021 02:06

DC not DF

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2021 02:07

@memberofthewedding

I would not interfere.

I strongly believe that when people make a decision to end their lives then they should be allowed to do so without inteference from others.

I"m so glad no one had that attitude with me. I was extremely mentally unwell and so glad I survived and got better and my DC still have their mum.