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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact her sister? Urgent. Not sure what to do.

143 replies

Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 21:05

Im looking for some advice and it’s quite a specific situation.
I made friends with someone online a couple of years ago, through a mutual support group. We stayed in contact outside of the group and we’ve spoken on the phone and message most days - although we’ve never met and live several hours apart. I count her as a friend but I don’t have any real insight into her life because of the distance. I know her, but I don’t really know her. I feel like we’ve been penpals (email pals?) and our situations have been very similar at times.

However she has gradually become more and more depressed over recent months and has made comments about taking her own life - but it’s hard to judge the tone and how serious she is. If she’s venting or means it.
But I am worried tonight. She’s messaged to say her partner isn’t there and her kids are at her parents’ and she’s asked me to take care of myself and told me it’ll all be alright as well as some stuff about it not mattering when we die if we’ve ever been alive and she’s going to do what she needs to for her children.
It’s not totally out of character but I’m concerned she’s on her own. I have her sister’s name and could contact via fb but I doubt her sister even knows I exist and I don’t want to make things worse or cause trouble. On the other hand I am worried.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like meddling and I’m in a weird situation where I know some things about her but having never met her I don’t know her family or friends or day to day life.
Do I message her sister? Do I leave it? I’ve asked outright if she’s planning on harming herself and she’s said no but then she would say that. She’s told me not to worry and that she’s having an early night.

I don’t want to make things worse for her... but what if she harms herself?

OP posts:
Matleave22 · 03/09/2021 21:23

Contact the sister or the police. The worst case is you could lose trust/friendship.

The best case you could save her life. She may not forgive you now but if she’s not alive to forgive you then that’s all a moot point.

Original poster
Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 21:23

I have asked outright re the suicidal thoughts as that is what I’ve been taught in minimal mental health training I’ve had through work and she has said no. But I think she is unlikely to say yes, even if she has.

OP posts:
frerecoler · 03/09/2021 21:23

Call the police

shreddednips · 03/09/2021 21:24

Sorry to hear your friend is feeling so awful, and it's a really upsetting situation for you too. I've been in this position with a friend a few times where they were very depressed and saying things that suggested they were at serious risk of harming themselves. I called the police with what I knew and they managed to get hold of a family member who gave the address. Really hope she's ok and you're able to get some peace of mind, I know how stressful it is Thanks

thebeatingofthedrums · 03/09/2021 21:25

Contact the sister or the police. Do it now.

I had a similar concern about a friend recently. I was right. You doubt yourself, but you know when something is off and they're not acting usual for them.

Other people thought my friend was exaggerating. Some people think you never say you're going to do it if you do. Those people would be wrong.

Thankfully help got to my friend in time.

RandomMess · 03/09/2021 21:25

This is horrible for you, other than contacting her sister and asking the police to do a welfare check your options seem non existent.

Thanks
summerisler · 03/09/2021 21:26

Oh crikey. How worrying.

Theworldishard · 03/09/2021 21:26

OP in the nicest way possible it is not fair on you to be dealing with this. You can't determine whether she is serious or not but going round in circles with her is helping no one. The things she is saying she is likely aware it will cause concern, so she is probably hoping you will do something.

ThreeLocusts · 03/09/2021 21:27

Message the sister and try to reach your friend- actually speak to her. People do harm themselves and she has clearly thought about it for a while and is being quite premeditated about it.

Boombadoom · 03/09/2021 21:27

I would message her sister. You’d never forgive yourself if you didn’t.

Interestingly OP I had a friend just like this. It was all for attention and after I got the message with all the dramatics she turned her phone off all weekend. For attention. Got peed off that if contacted her only local friend to check on her.

It was the beginning of the end of our friendship, because I realised she was an emotional manipulator and it wasn’t fair on me.

I hope your friend is ok though, and that she isn’t like my friend was (but not that she’s actually harmed herself of course). Best of luck

Blueroses99 · 03/09/2021 21:30

Please call the police. Don’t want to think about what if you are right to worry but the sister doesn’t see the message in time or respond straightaway.

shreddednips · 03/09/2021 21:30

Also, just in case it's helpful- after the first time my friend talked about suicide, I contacted a charity called Papyrus. They specialise in helping prevent suicide in people under 35 (not sure how old your friend is?)

I was able to speak to someone straight away who helped me process my own feelings about it and also helped me come up with a plan for what to do if it happened again and how to support her. They also walked me through creating a plan with her for what she would do to keep herself safe if she began having suicidal thoughts again. I know this doesn't help with your immediate issue but perhaps it would be helpful in the next few days.

LucyAutumn · 03/09/2021 21:32

Oh dear lord, please contact her sister, she needs help and support from her family and not just tonight!

Wincher · 03/09/2021 21:33

The police will help. I once called them in a similar situation - it was actually someone in a group I’d met on here but then transferred to Facebook. She posted to say she was sitting on a bridge and thinking of jumping. I didn’t know exactly where it was or where she lived or anything but gave the police the details I had and they took it very seriously. They tracked her home address and did a welfare check. It was definitely worth doing.

LucyAutumn · 03/09/2021 21:33

And the police!

IMetABoyCrazyForTea · 03/09/2021 21:33

I would say I was very worried about them, and could they tell you their address. Then you can contact the police. She has chosen to send you all these messages raising your concern, on some level she may want you to intervene.

If they won't give their address, contact the police with what you know.

If she won't give her address I would contact her sister as well as the police. I wouldn't solely contact her sister, in case she doesn't see the message. Would be devastating for her sister if she didn't see the message in time.

rattlemehearties · 03/09/2021 21:34

The sister won't see the Facebook message unless you are already friends! It will hide in her "message request" folder and she might never see it, or only see it when it's far too late in months to come. Use the info you have to ask the police for a welfare check or get in touch properly. Can you phone your friend for a chat?

AntiSocialDistancer · 03/09/2021 21:34

In a similar situation I called the police for a welfare check Flowers

FiloPasty · 03/09/2021 21:35

Message the sister if it’s via FB messenger friend request her too otherwise your message won’t happen automatically.

This happened to me years ago, childhoood friend I’d not seen in years but we chatted via social media, she had been through a bad break up and over time her messages just became more depressed and worrying. One night she send an odd message about drinking a bottle of whisky and it being over. I messaged her sister also on social media. Said I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting but I was worried. Within the hour I had a phone call from her mum, I told her what I thought, I was worried, I didn’t want to upset my friend d but the what if was worse than her being annoyed with me for reaching out.
Her mum drove up to her and took her to the next day. She told my mum that she was certain I’d saved my friends life. She was so low and it was only a matter of time.

KatieB55 · 03/09/2021 21:35

Agree ask police to do a welfare check. I'm sure they can locate her from info you have. It does sound worrying.

idontlikealdi · 03/09/2021 21:35

Cal the police, tell them it's a welfare check. You'll never rest otherwise

FiloPasty · 03/09/2021 21:35

*doctor

SE13Mummy · 03/09/2021 21:36

If you don't contact her sister/Samaritans/Police to share your concerns, what will do? I wonder if you might feel as though you are then taking on responsibility for getting her through the night.

You have already asked her if she is having suicidal thoughts and she has said no. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to ask her to share her address with you. Agree with her the circumstances under which you would use it and offer her your address (if you feel comfortable doing so). If she doesn't want to share her address, let her know that you may contact her sister via Facebook or may ask the police to do a welfare check if you feel she is unsafe.

Eeiliethya · 03/09/2021 21:37

Somebody needs to go round, ring sister and ring police.

If you're intuition is correct then the consequences of not acting are far worse than being wrong. Make the call.

NotAnotherBloodyNameChange · 03/09/2021 21:39

Over 30 mins since your OP - have you called the police or messaged her sister?

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