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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact her sister? Urgent. Not sure what to do.

143 replies

Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 21:05

Im looking for some advice and it’s quite a specific situation.
I made friends with someone online a couple of years ago, through a mutual support group. We stayed in contact outside of the group and we’ve spoken on the phone and message most days - although we’ve never met and live several hours apart. I count her as a friend but I don’t have any real insight into her life because of the distance. I know her, but I don’t really know her. I feel like we’ve been penpals (email pals?) and our situations have been very similar at times.

However she has gradually become more and more depressed over recent months and has made comments about taking her own life - but it’s hard to judge the tone and how serious she is. If she’s venting or means it.
But I am worried tonight. She’s messaged to say her partner isn’t there and her kids are at her parents’ and she’s asked me to take care of myself and told me it’ll all be alright as well as some stuff about it not mattering when we die if we’ve ever been alive and she’s going to do what she needs to for her children.
It’s not totally out of character but I’m concerned she’s on her own. I have her sister’s name and could contact via fb but I doubt her sister even knows I exist and I don’t want to make things worse or cause trouble. On the other hand I am worried.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like meddling and I’m in a weird situation where I know some things about her but having never met her I don’t know her family or friends or day to day life.
Do I message her sister? Do I leave it? I’ve asked outright if she’s planning on harming herself and she’s said no but then she would say that. She’s told me not to worry and that she’s having an early night.

I don’t want to make things worse for her... but what if she harms herself?

OP posts:
wildseas · 03/09/2021 21:41

Often when people die by suicide there has been things in their behaviour which have been “off”. I think you should call the police for a welfare check.

One question you could try asking is “do you think you can keep yourself safe?” Which might help her open up a bit more...

TILFA · 03/09/2021 21:43

@Feltedsheep

I have asked outright re the suicidal thoughts as that is what I’ve been taught in minimal mental health training I’ve had through work and she has said no. But I think she is unlikely to say yes, even if she has.
if or when people have asked me about suicidal thoughts I have been totally honest and lied prior to very serious attempts.

If you're worried,call for help. She may be pissed off with you for a few weeks but that is better than dead.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 03/09/2021 21:43

Will your friend give you her address if you say you are worried about her?

TheGirlWithGlassFeet · 03/09/2021 21:45

I would call the police. If you message her sister she may not see it until a later time.

user47000000000 · 03/09/2021 21:47

Contact sister and police.

tommyhoundmum · 03/09/2021 21:50

Contact her sister

mineofuselessinformation · 03/09/2021 21:51

Contact the sister and tell her your concerns.
Call the police. Even if you don't have her address, they will be able to trace her through her car, etc.

MadeForThis · 03/09/2021 21:54

Contact her sister.

endofthelinefinally · 03/09/2021 21:54

Call the police and tell them as much information as you can. You will never forgive yourself if the worst happens and you didn't do everything you could.

PeanutDog · 03/09/2021 21:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

winterchills · 03/09/2021 21:57

I agree maybe phone her sister via messenger if no luck then onto the police

Theworldishard · 03/09/2021 21:59

I agree. Definitely a call for help, otherwise she wouldn't have messaged you.
I hope the fact the OP has gone means help is being sought.
This is not for you to hold op.

MondeoFan · 03/09/2021 22:01

Definitely do something I don't know what but do something anything

Throckmorton · 03/09/2021 22:02

Call the police as a matter of extreme urgency

TheChip · 03/09/2021 22:03

I'd go for the sister before the police. If you can't get through to the sister, then the police.
Drop a friend request and then send a message asking her to ring you ASAP about her sister.

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 22:07

Try ringing the sister on Facebook messenger if you haven't already done something.

hullaballoo19 · 03/09/2021 22:08

I would definitely message her sister. People are much less likely to commit suicide if they are with someone so ideally someone should be with her - I have some training in dealing with people who are suicidal and my first step is to try and get a family member or friend to go and be with the person

Misskittyfantastico85 · 03/09/2021 22:10

Hopefully OP being gone is a sign that she is trying to get some help.

Flatdisco · 03/09/2021 22:10

I'd contact her sister

GratedRed · 03/09/2021 22:12

Another voice adding to message her sister and if no response then call the police with all the information you have on her and her sister.

trappistkepler · 03/09/2021 22:14

At a maximum level, she is suicidal, so the police welfare check is the correct thing to do.

At a moderate level, she is trying to get someone to notice her pain and a police welfare check is the correct thing to do.

at a minimum level she is as @Boombadoom described an attention seeker (but still needs attention) so a police welfare check is the correct thing to do or a message to her sister. You don't know which level she is at as she is an online friend, so you have to act.

You haven’t met this person and I really agree with @MargosKaftan; You now her enough and you are worried, and now your sense of embarrassment has kicked in and you are trying to convince yourself you are over reacting

You have nothing to lose here, but she does.

You don’t really have a choice, you decided this yourself earlier. Call someone.

whereislittleroo · 03/09/2021 22:21

OP, better to call her sister and upset your friend but save her life, than to not call for fear of upsetting her and potentially lose her to suicide. This is one situation where it is far better to overreact.

She may be angry at you for calling her so sister, but to be honest, she's given you no choice. Saying that she's not worth it, take care of yourself, people are better off without her etc is clearly hinting at suicide and she can't truly expect you to sit back and ignore those concerns.

FrozenCremeEgg · 03/09/2021 22:23

Have you only got the sisters name on fb? Is it 100% the sister? Do they live close by each other? Are they close? Will she go round there or just messege?

Messages of non friends dont typically go into the inbox and she may not see them
Can you friend request her and message , leave ur number for her to ring you

But personally i would be ringing the police in the mean time…

Frustrated1234 · 03/09/2021 22:23

Trust your instincts. Yes I would contact the sister (unless you know sister is useless and they aren’t close).

I had a similar experience and my friend did in fact take his own life. I don’t think anything I could have done would have made a difference. But I think if your friend does the same, at least you could look back and think you’ve done what you could.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s horrible.

ThankYouStavros · 03/09/2021 22:24

My dad committed suicide in December. Please make contact with somebody, it could save her life.