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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact her sister? Urgent. Not sure what to do.

143 replies

Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 21:05

Im looking for some advice and it’s quite a specific situation.
I made friends with someone online a couple of years ago, through a mutual support group. We stayed in contact outside of the group and we’ve spoken on the phone and message most days - although we’ve never met and live several hours apart. I count her as a friend but I don’t have any real insight into her life because of the distance. I know her, but I don’t really know her. I feel like we’ve been penpals (email pals?) and our situations have been very similar at times.

However she has gradually become more and more depressed over recent months and has made comments about taking her own life - but it’s hard to judge the tone and how serious she is. If she’s venting or means it.
But I am worried tonight. She’s messaged to say her partner isn’t there and her kids are at her parents’ and she’s asked me to take care of myself and told me it’ll all be alright as well as some stuff about it not mattering when we die if we’ve ever been alive and she’s going to do what she needs to for her children.
It’s not totally out of character but I’m concerned she’s on her own. I have her sister’s name and could contact via fb but I doubt her sister even knows I exist and I don’t want to make things worse or cause trouble. On the other hand I am worried.

I don’t know what to do. It feels like meddling and I’m in a weird situation where I know some things about her but having never met her I don’t know her family or friends or day to day life.
Do I message her sister? Do I leave it? I’ve asked outright if she’s planning on harming herself and she’s said no but then she would say that. She’s told me not to worry and that she’s having an early night.

I don’t want to make things worse for her... but what if she harms herself?

OP posts:
TwoBlondes · 03/09/2021 22:24

DD has had two welfare checks by the police, one as a result of a stranger in a Facebook group contacting the Met. They tracked her down a hundred miles away and were brilliant.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/09/2021 22:24

Been there, with a FB friend. Managed to get a welfare check. Thank god they arrived in time. She had taken an overdose. I did wonder if she'd ever forgive me, but months later she messaged me to say I was a good person. Delighted to say her life is now much better. Don't do nothing.

Coachradley · 03/09/2021 22:24

Contact the police. The sister may not get the message in time

HoneysuckIejasmine · 03/09/2021 22:32

Definitely contact the police, OP.

And yes, do seek some support for yourself after this too. Flowers

CornishTiger · 03/09/2021 22:34

I saved a friends life once. I turned up at the right time. The next night I believed he was fine but my instincts weren’t right. He messaged me at 5am full of love and care telling me he was sorry. It took him 9 mths to admit he’d attempted again and nearly succeeded - thankfully his parents checked on him after I insisted he spoke to them about previous nights events.

He didn’t want me to intervene. He was telling me he was fine. He wasn’t.

Hellotoallmyfans · 03/09/2021 22:40

Is there any way you could visit her face to face? Perhaps suggest meeting for lunch? It could do her the world of good, it sounds like she needs a friend.

Such a hard one to call - from what you've said it sounds like she hints at this often and it becomes a bit like the boy who cried wolf?

You sound lovely and caring OP, do whatever your gut tells you.

Peoniesandpeaches · 03/09/2021 22:44

Stop dithering and make the call to the police for the welfare check. If she’s suicidal they can access help for her and if she isn’t and is being quite manipulative for attention then this discourages her from doing this again.

HalzTangz · 03/09/2021 22:44

@Feltedsheep

She is still messaging back. I’ve asked her to message me at 9.30 and again at 10. She says I am overreacting. There’s just something about the tone that has worried me and she’s on her own.
Have you tried calling her to see what her tone sounds like by voice. Written text can easily be taken the wrong way.

That said, if she has been depressed for some time and made similar remarks before then I would contact her sister. If your friend isn't getting help, her family can encourage her to get that help

User3456 · 03/09/2021 22:45

If you ring the police and give them the info you have, they may be able to locate her via her phone. I had to do this once, the police found them and got them help. Wishing you lots of luck.

TILFA · 03/09/2021 22:45

When your fry
Iend is feeling more emotionally stable and able to talk openly and honestly, encourage her to make a self care plan for if she feels this again. By that I mean ask her outrightly but with empathy,what is the one thing you want me to do for you when you feel suicidal.

I have emergency plans in place with medical professionals and ,my best friend. They know what I am like between feeling very down and being suicidal with plans and intention (I always have 3 get out plans...always but my friend knows me well enough to trigger a life saving welfare check if she feel I could be serious. Having this would mean your friend has a safety net.

Suicidal is a desperarately frightening situation because the fight between needing to do it and not doing it is truly tortuous.

2andahalfpints · 03/09/2021 22:49

The police I'll be able to find the address which her number is registered to, ring them

Viviennemary · 03/09/2021 22:51

I would message her sister. Because if you dont you will only regret not doing something.

longtompot · 03/09/2021 22:57

When my yd was going through a rough patch her online friends called the police and they managed to find her. I don't know if her friends knew our address

Darbysmama · 03/09/2021 23:05

Only ever use the police as a very last resort. They have very little training regarding mental health, if the person denies being suicidal and there is no concrete proof they are then they can do nothing, and if they do admit or there is proof they will be put on a psychiatric hold which is almost never helpful and typically quite traumatic.

plominoagain · 03/09/2021 23:08

As a police officer , I’d say call the police. They should be able to carry out various checks although not on every mobile - if it’s an unregistered PAYG mobile then they might not - and should be able to locate her . We do loads every week . If they find her , check and she’s fine , good . Far better that then playing the “what if’s” game .

Darbysmama · 03/09/2021 23:10

Look, people have good intentions here, but the fact is if she isn’t telling you, her good friend, she’s suicidal then no chance is she going to admit it to the police who are strangers. I would attempt to contact the sister. Beyond that, when she seems more stable I would have a blunt talk with her about her mental health.

Original poster
Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 23:12

I messaged her sister after friend requesting (excellent tip) and she replied and said she will try to contact her sister and if she can’t reach her will go round. I’ve heard nothing else yet but I’m hoping it was the right thing to do.

OP posts:
JustBrowwsing · 03/09/2021 23:13

You could message her sister and just say you were worried as it isn’t clear she’s safe and she suddenly became uncontactable. You don’t need to share concerns about her mental health or that she’s suicidal.

JustBrowwsing · 03/09/2021 23:13

Just saw your update OP, well done, definitely better safe than sorry.

Footprintsonmyfloor · 03/09/2021 23:14

You’ve absolutely done the right thing.

Original poster
Feltedsheep · 03/09/2021 23:15

I sent quite a bare bones message - I just said I was a concerned friend and I was particularly worried about her sister being on her own when she sounded upset. I didn’t go into any extra detail because it’s not mine to share. I just hope my friend isn’t too horrified by me contacting her sister but it has to be the least worse option overall.

OP posts:
TheChip · 03/09/2021 23:16

It was definitely the right thing to do. Hopefully all is okay. It could have been something she has been keeping from her family, so you may have also just added an extra level of support for her. I hope you're feeling a bit of weight lift off your shoulders now, too!

Whattfit · 03/09/2021 23:21

You have done the right thing.

VenusTiger · 03/09/2021 23:21

It was definitely the right thing to do OP. It may be that your friend has only ever told you her real feelings about her current state of mind, and I believe that's for a reason.
She's been telling you how she feels as she needs to talk to someone and wants that someone to know she's struggling. She may not be suicidal now, but who is to say she won't be if she continues along this thought path.
She needs help and you've done the right thing here OP.

XenoBitch · 03/09/2021 23:23

@Darbysmama

Only ever use the police as a very last resort. They have very little training regarding mental health, if the person denies being suicidal and there is no concrete proof they are then they can do nothing, and if they do admit or there is proof they will be put on a psychiatric hold which is almost never helpful and typically quite traumatic.
I would always call the police. I have done it several times for people I was concerned about. They have more mental health training than someone's relative would, and they have their own mental health team that can touch base with the person too.

Sadly, I did contact a relative of someone I was concerned about and they told me that they hope their sibling went through with it. Just because they are related, it does not mean they will give a shit. I always call the police now.