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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lettuce for fifth birthday

325 replies

Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 20:29

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 04/09/2021 10:04

I don’t want any of the replies to be right, I have to stay in this relationship for another five years at least. It’s depressing to wake up to it being torn apart on mumsnet.

Did you want us to all just laugh along? Yesterday it seemed you were light hearted and thought it was funny. Today it seems that's not the case, you know he's shit but say you have to put up with it for now, but want us all to ignore that and continue to find it amusing. Odd!

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 04/09/2021 10:04

I didn’t clock previously that you were unmarried but own your home. Please don’t marry this man. Complete your studies, then get rid.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 04/09/2021 10:06

He told me off last night because my hairdresser was in his side of the room so he’s not being his best self right now.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what this but means, but he sounds difficult to live with.

Is this a money thing then? Ie he doesn’t want to buy the party food, so he does a spectacularly bad job and buys 4 wilting lettuces as a poor attempt?
Write him a list, send him back to get proper party foods. Don’t not let him win with his strategy of strategic incompetence.
Keep the lettuces (rotting or otherwise) and tell him to prepare whatever he had in mind for them for the party, whilst you make the proper party food. Hopefully it will start to dawn on him and he won’t pull this stunt again on you.

diddl · 04/09/2021 10:07

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I didn’t clock previously that you were unmarried but own your home. Please don’t marry this man. Complete your studies, then get rid.
Would it really not be easier to get rid & then complete your studies?

He doesn't seem to contribute anything & then you wouldn't be carrying him as well.

Horehound · 04/09/2021 10:08

I also can't believe you bought the stuff online when he was actually in the shop

SpacePotato · 04/09/2021 10:10

@30mph

... just don't marry him. It's your house, keep it that way. You will need the security for yourself and your children.
This a million times!!
lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2021 10:13

People who 'cannot be told what to do' (which always includes being asked asked civilly to make an ordinary contribution to family life), just like 'people who cannot be criticised' (live, learn, get over it and stop making the same mistake again), need to live on their own. It's the only possible solution and the kindest thing for them.

liveforsummer · 04/09/2021 10:14

He doesn't seem to contribute anything & then you wouldn't be carrying him as well.

Exactly. He his mum could even have dc every other weekend. You'd probably have far more opportunity to study and depending on his earnings, potentially have a decent amount of child maintenance to help with bills etc. I'm not sure he's as crucial to your success as you think he is. Most likely he's trying to sabotage it.

Flatdisco · 04/09/2021 10:15

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I don’t find this funny and actually feel sad for the OP. She’s going out of her way to minimise this now.

She has 4 young kids, isn’t earning and her DP sounds like a dick. She feels trapped but can’t admit it so tried so pass this incident off as funny. Which it isn’t. He isn’t a good man.

I hope OP starts earning soon and power can rebalance.

Yes I agree. In my experience most women who are trapped then minimise when they're told how awful their partner is.
DameFanny · 04/09/2021 10:16

I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP, I hope you can find your way to independence Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2021 10:16

Maybe ask him to tell you what areas of domestic life he'll be taking responsibility for.

Btw are you paying into a pension for yourself? (You can invest some of your wealth in a pension fund if you're not, see an IFA). Is he / his work paying into a pension? That's a good measure of the actual level of financial equality in your relationship. My suspicion is that he's bleeding you dry, to his own, considerable, long-term benefit.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 04/09/2021 10:17

I only advised her to complete studies then get rid because he sounds like he would make life very difficult for her if she tried to break up with him. She would’ve be able to study at all as he could become nasty.

toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 10:18

He’s allowed to tell you what to do but you can’t tell him.

SpacePotato · 04/09/2021 10:20

Why is he such an arse about buying food?
Surely he has it quite cushy anyway only paying utilities and not rent or a mortgage? Can he not afford the cake ingredients or, as we know, he's just being a gobshite on purpose?

I'd also be weary of him actively trying to sabotage your studying. He will make it your fault of course.

Why do you have to stay? Is it purely financial? Would you not be entitled to any benefits to help?

callmeadoctor · 04/09/2021 10:21

I would have asked him to buy a caterpillar cake, why bother making your own?

NinaGonk · 04/09/2021 10:22

Bless you OP, I'm pleased you have a plan for your career and future. This will give you options should you get sick of this type of bullshit later.

My ex did shite like this. Bloody draining and paints you into a corner as "house nag".

Like someone else suggested I'd say " I'll leave you to sort out your lettuce". Dont let it cloud your little ones birthday x

viques · 04/09/2021 10:32

[quote Franklyfrost]@WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls

It's hardly rocket science and not like you were given as a new mum a handbook during labour of what to do when you are a parent that lists out party foods!

Eh? The midwife wouldn’t let my babies come out until I knew how many french fancies you need per head for birthday parties ages 1-10.[/quote]
rocket science? Eh? I thought this thread was about little gems , not fancy schmanzy salad leaves..........

I will leaf now becos I need to be romaine up to Tesco’s .

Tinpotspectator · 04/09/2021 10:33

I think his not wanting to be wrong is a bit of a bigger problem that you'll need to address at some stage. He'll be playing the victim next.

lockdownalli · 04/09/2021 10:36

His side of the room? Confused

DO NOT MARRY HIM!

toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 10:36

I bet we know whose fault it will be if the cake doesn’t turn out well

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/09/2021 10:39

I bet there is no cake making, he'll have some excuse. He just wants you all to fuck off out for a bit.

This is bizarre, not following a list because he doesn't like being told, WTF?!

Why 5 years op?

wewereliars · 04/09/2021 10:41

He sounds like a total pain in the arse

BoredZelda · 04/09/2021 10:46

maybe my expectations are too low

I’d go for this.

It’s depressing to wake up to it being torn apart on mumsnet.

To be fair, I don’t think this is what has happened. I haven’t seen anyone tearing you apart, what you’ve seen is people pointing out the things you’ve been letting slide, those lots of little things that seem light hearted issues, when you add them up actually paint a bigger picture of a controlling relationship with someone who isn’t your partner.

Every post where you’ve said “oh and he did this” just makes it clear, this is not just about the lettuce.

None of this is said to tear you down, just to show you that you deserve better in life. You deserve someone who wants to make your life easier, not someone who is there to make it harder. Only you can decide if LTB is right for you, but if you don’t want to leave, you at least need to sit him down and let him know things have to change.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 10:47

I presume the children will be at school next week. I’d be tempted to keep them in the fridge.

This is a novel kid-storage idea @Mummyoflittledragon, but one I suspect will catch on like wildfire ...

SukonthaM · 04/09/2021 10:52

Yeh I didn’t get the humour in this. How hard is it to go the shop and buy some ingredients off a list you’ve been given? There’s more going on here than him just being useless