lettuce for fifth birthday

[Franklyfrost]

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

You sound very patient & lovely! Can't mention it for fear of nagging, though? I'd be yelling, "WTF is wrong with you?" in his face if it were my hubby!!

Jaysus woman DO not marry him. He will get half your house. Keep striving for independence financially. He's not a nice man OP. He's done that on purpose as a display of dominance. It's gross.

This would annoy me so much. Send him back out for the shopping you need, you can make lettuce risotto with the baby gems.

Is there an age gap here? Is he much older than you?

I think only you know OP what the issue is, at worst he is a manipulative man and at best could he be severely stressed to make him act out of character.
Please don't feel that you need to consider your relationship as we all know that Mumsnet cries LTB at the slightest indiscretion! Equally don't stay with him if you don't feel it is making your happy luckily you are in a better more position. You certainly don't have to stay in the relationship for give years if you don't want to.
I would have a chat with him and ask him whathe plans to do wih all the lettuce and also ask where the rest of the food is? Something needs to be said but life is more nuanced than we can see on Mumsnet.

Strategic incompetence

I’m sorry you’re upset by the comments made. Your humour disguised a wealth of despairing feelings and unfortunately people can only read what they see rather than deduce there is more.

I think you’re struggling to completely open up. But if you can, when you have time, perhaps people can help? He’s profiting from you and probably there is some kind abuse going on - definitely financial abuse. It’s horrible to read.

@ChargingBuck
Yes, novel storage . Personally I think op should stick this bloke in the oven. Express service straight to hell.

The shopping was strategic incompetence.
He sounds a nag, and you don't @Franklyfrost.
Good luck with your studies and happy birthday to the 5 yr old.

This is is not what 'gaslighting' means. 'Strategic incompetence', however, nails it.

He told me off last night because my hairdresser was in his side of the room so he’s not being his best self right now.

"Told me off" is a very revealing turn of phrase to employ, OP.
How dare he? & what is "his" side of the room? How does he get to commandeer a side of a room, which you are "told off" for entering, IN A HOUSE THAT YOU OWN?

To top it off he’s arranged for me and his mum to take the kids out today so he gets some time to make the cake.
Oh, he's arranged it, so it is now written into law that you must obey.
Because although he knows (he ought, you've told him enough times this week) that it is impossible to do academic work while looking after 4 kids, that's FINE & you have to suck it up.
But you also have to suck up the childcare when he is baking a cake?
Why can he not manage a simple bit of cooking unless the children are removed from his lordly purview?

I don’t want any of the replies to be right, I have to stay in this relationship for another five years at least.
Do you? Why?
Is that the same kind of "have to" as you "have to" take this children out with his mother?
The kind that exists only because he expcts his instructions to be obeyed?

It’s depressing to wake up to it being torn apart on mumsnet.
Dear OP, nobody wants to depress you. Just help you benefit from 100's of years of collective experience from the wise old bags who've been there/done that.

But when you say things like "I feel gaslit", people are going to feel concerned.
When you say "I have to stay for 5 years", people are going to feel appalled that you are trapped.
When you praise your DP for paying for childcare & describe that as a big deal for him, you are showing us the power dynamic & manipulation going on in your relationship. 2 of those children are his - the very least he can damn well do is pay for childcare!
He lives rent-free, & you pay for all the food ffs.

And when you tell us he can never be wrong, but presents you with wilted lettuce instead of acting like a parent & buying party food for his kid ... quizzes you about your academic work despite being told it's impossible this week & the questioning is making you feel like a failure, yet he keeps doing it ... it's clear that he is undermining you.

Please see the PP comment about a truckload of sand being dumped, preventing you from opening the door to your academic life & new career. Why do you "have" to stay for 5 years? What the hell is going on with that?

OP - I'm not having a go at you. I'm just wondering why you are getting the shit end of the deal, & accepting it.

Please don't feel that you need to consider your relationship as we all know that Mumsnet cries LTB at the slightest indiscretion!

I’ve rarely seen a LTB that came from describing behaviour I would accept from a partner. But even if sometimes people jump to it too quickly, that doesn’t mean it is always wrong to say it. It also doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t consider her relationship. The OP very much should consider her relationship. What does he bring to the table? She owns the home, she is looking after his children, he obviously isn’t financially supporting her, he doesn’t help around the home. Whatever is keeping her with him, she needs to consider if it is worth it to he against what she is giving, and giving up. Only then can she decide if it is worth sacrificing herself for a relationship where she doesn’t appear to be happy.

Aside from everything, hope your 5 year old has a fantastic birthday OP!

Five years because by then I’ll be earning enough to cover bills and childcare. If dp leaves before then I’d have to move house and stop studying to earn a minimum wage. That would be disruptive for the children, very stressful for me and end my chances of forming a career that can support me and the kids in the long term. Also, five years is time enough to give our relationship a chance. It used to be better and maybe it can improve again.

I’ve taken onboard what everyone has said. Dp is keep to marry but I’m not so that’s on hold for at least 4 years (at the start I said I’d marry him on our ten year anniversary). I will be cautious on that front.

Sabotaging studies is another thing I’ve taken note of. He’s had space to make the cake and he’s off out now until the early hours with his friends. I have a problem asking people for things and a tendency to appease dp because I don’t know what else to do.

Thanks for your opinions. I do love him. We find it difficult to understand each other perhaps. I’m fairly isolated and having him annoyed at me is daunting when he’s my main adult contact. Maybe other people would be leaving him but I think that would come at a huge cost to my families well-being.

From your description of yourself OP I share some of your characteristics - people pleasing tendencies, so I can definitely sympathise. It’s so difficult to shake of these tendencies. I hope you and your DP can get your relationship back to what you describe it once was OP so that a break up will not necessary

He’s had space to make the cake and he’s off out now until the early hours with his friends.

And presumably you’re left with the kids again, with no time to study.

not be* necessary

My XH used to pull this kind of shit all the time, to the point where he was so utterly useless that I had to do everything myself - which of course is exactly what he wanted.

Like your H he didn't want to be 'told' to do anything, (and asking was interpreted as 'telling') and seemed to think this was a good enough reason not to do things. He didn't seem to get that I didn't need to be told what to do, because I saw what needed doing and did it without a big fuss and a lot of attention seeking nonsense.
Funnily enough he managed to do his job without constant fuck ups on simple tasks, and he didn't mind being told what to do at his work. So all his spurious reasons for idleness and stupidity went out the window.

DP is keep to marry

Of course he is.
Instant access to half your assets.

Shame he's less keen to parent the kids, take on any domestic load, support you in your academic work, or pay his fair share of expenses, innit?

So how much time has he spent with the kids today?

I'm glad you don't have plans to marry him. Be very careful not to get pregnant.

Sabotaging studies is another thing I’ve taken note of. He’s had space to make the cake and he’s off out now until the early hours with his friends. I have a problem asking people for things and a tendency to appease dp because I don’t know what else to do.

Oh my dear.
So he ordered you out of your own house, with his mother, while he played with baking, & how he's leaving you in charge of childcare while he spends his leisure time just as he pleases?
Yes - he is sabotaging you.

To help keep you going in the teeth of all this desperate unfairness, here's an oldie but goodie -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You MUST do what PP suggested upthread about carving out non-negotiable study time for yourself.
DP should be with the kids right now, while you catch up on work.
I hope the Assertiveness book helps you find techniques to show you how to speak up effectively, & get heard & supported.

Why are you isolated?
Did you move away from friends & family to be with this man?
Or are you so bound up with 4 children that you've lost touch? And so busy looking after them when he just up & leaves you in the lurch to go & see his friends, that you are unable to see your own?
Are you aware that isolation is a deliberate & classic technique used by coercive controllers?

Have you ever sat down & done meticulous sums about what DP actually contributes, vs: what you could just about survive on without him?

As far as I can see all he pays is some childcare, & the utilities.
How about you take a quiet hour sometime soon, & work out - just in theory for now - what your finances could look like without DP?
There is a govt. website that details what you would be entitled to claim in benefits - if PP could remember it & give you a link that would be useful -
& then look at the CMS site for how much child support DP would have to pay if you split.

Also bear in mind that you'd likely get every other weekend with the 2 younger children being taken care of by DP (or his mum, more like - he just doesn't do childcare does he?), & imagine how much work you could get done in that time with only the older 2 to look out for.

Above all, dear OP, please please please NEVER MARRY THIS MAN.

So did he make the cake?

having him annoyed at me is daunting when he’s my main adult contact.

& doesn't he just know it.
Lovely for him. Makes it SO much easier to always be in the right.
And to dump all the domestic load on you, while undermining your studies so that you remain vulnerable.

Why does he need a child-free house and “space” to make a simple fucking cake… yet expects you to study whilst looking after four children?!

Can I ask what 'his side of the room' means??