lettuce for fifth birthday

[Franklyfrost]

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

@orchardgirl4

Sounds innocent to me, I don't think there's any intentions of being manipulative so that you won't ask again, he simply is not thinking. I laugh about there being a memory wiper in supermarket doorways. Ever walk into the store and buy everything but what you intended? Anyway, just ask him to prep the lettuce. I'd be interested to see what he does with it.

@orchardgirl4 perhaps you should read the full thread.

Sadly this relationship is teaching your children that it's a man's job to do whatever they want and a woman's job to do whatever makes the least waves, caused the least fuss, takes up the least space and most importantly inconveniences men the least.

It's a toxic legacy to leave your children and takes years and years to try to undo, often unsuccessfully.

It's not unkind to see your plans and feelings as equal to his. The fact you think it is means you've been thoroughly conditioned by him. And maybe your childhood too, I don't know obviously.

You've cancelled long standing plans to accommodate what he wants to do, without much consideration. Your default is to lose so he can gain.

Seriously think about the gender dynamics you're displaying to your children. They are the kind that lead to those children growing up and having unhealthy relationships as adults.

At first the thread title made me giggle then I read your responses and i just feel really sad for you.

He's fucking horrible and controlling.

You shouldn't have cancelled your friends which has been planned for months! You know he done it on purpose right? Chances are his plans will probably change tonight and tada he won't be going out either. His little plan worked though.

I'd shove the lettuce so far up his fucking arse he wouldn't walk for a week.

Sorry for the swearing but this crap winds me up.

Agree with everything ChargingBuck is saying. You have totally succumbed to a coercive controller and manipulative abuser. His behaviour is beyond contempt.

I am struggling to understand how you are dismissing his behaviour so easily. It is truly truly disrespectful. He intends to break you and bleed you dry financially. It is so sad that you cannot see this.

In your place, I would be looking into any grants or loans you could get through university to pay for childcare and throw this vile specimen out. You’d possibly get almost as much financially out of him if he had to pay child maintenance so some of it could go toward childcare.

I hope you do at least have cast iron contraception… if you are still sleeping with him… god knows why you would be.

If dp leaves before then I’d have to move house and stop studying to earn a minimum wage. That would be disruptive for the children, very stressful for me and end my chances of forming a career that can support me and the kids in the long term. Also, five years is time enough to give our relationship a chance. It used to be better and maybe it can improve again.

But you’re not studying anyway. It sounds to me like you’d have more time to study without him. 5 years is enough time, but it is also a long time to put up with a difficult situation.

having him annoyed at me is daunting when he’s my main adult contact.

Which is another red flag for me.

This is so not about lettuce or baking a cake!

The more updates the more upset I am for you. This guy is an arsehole. This idea that he is going to transform from being an arsehole to a good guy in a few years when the kids get older is fantasy. Never going to happen. All that will happen is he will grind you down more and you’ll be more miserable than you are now.

A couple of questions. He is very unkind to you. How is he with the older children? Your children. Is he a master controlling fucker with them too?

You have said you own your property. I’d be selling that and renting something for you and the kids. What training is it you’re doing that takes 5 years? Maybe time for a change. Do a degree/qualification that you can complete in a shorter time and earn a salary.

Other posters are right. Work put your finances without him. Remember the impact he is having on your mental well-being. He would need to contribute to his kids and hopefully would want to see them so you would have some respite to study/work/relax.

I think you put important decisions off. That’s not a criticism. So you have said you will marry him at your ten year anniversary. That puts that decision off. You have said you can’t leave him until you have finished your studies. That puts that decision off for 5 years.

You are being controlled. Interestingly the more you post the more you defend him. Needs time to himself. He is a good guy. You love him. He made the cake! Funk the cake. A Colin the caterpillar is a much easier option than a homemade job with this arsehole. He is sucking the life out of you. You deserve so much more. And so do your children as I can’t believe he is nice to your kids. Particularly when you made the distinction between them. He pays for half his children’s school bags. What about their siblings, your children. Nothing from him? What a horrible man he is. Get out while you can x

Apologies for typos. On phone without specs!

@Franklyfrost

I cancelled because my friends were coming from a long way off, I don’t see them often and I’d need to give them some attention not be putting the kids to bed etc. So even if they’d be fine staying in it does take some time feeding everyone and getting them into bed and I wouldn’t want my visitors waiting around though all that having come a long way. So I cancelled.

Frosty, if I had planned to visit a pal, & she was unexpectedly let down by her partner who expected her to drop her plans so he could ignore hers & go out on a whim - I'd still want to visit my pal.

I wouldn't care one jot that her attention was divided.
Same goes without the partner dynamic.
If the kids were playing up about bedtime, for example, so friend was stressed trying to be parent AND host - I'd just chip in & help her til the kids were safely asleep, & then enjoy her undivided attention. "Can I prep the veg while you bath them, shall I do storytime while you prep the meal" etc.

These are your friends OP. They want to see you. They won't care that you are scrambling after kids for the early part of the evening.

Do you feel you only deserve friends if you are doing 100% perfect hosting?
In much the same way you feel you don't deserve a measly hour of your partner looking after the kids - but are all gracious (martyred, actually) about him deliberately scuppering your social evening & just feeling entitled to use you for childcare while he sees his friends?

Are you going to order the assertiveness book?

Oh dear, sweetheart. He's positioned you nicely, I'm afraid. I think he's sort of trained you up into having all the responsibility for everything, and to feel unreasonable when you need help.

It's really easy to find yourself there, it creeps up on you while you are busy adjusting to motherhood.

The thing is, you are at risk of finishing training, getting a good job, trying to get him to leave and he won't go. Worse- that he will claim he's the main parent because of your work hours, and want maintenance because you earn more than him.

Be really careful.

He doesn't like you and is using DARVO:
he will deny the behaviour, attack you, reverse the victim and offender.

His conclusion:
You are a controlling, disorganised, incompetent failure...everything is your fault. He is the victim and you are the perpetrator.

He is clearly manipulative, can you access free or reasonable counselling anywhere to talk about this?

Okay so he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them a tiny bit. This is awful written down. Dp does try. My eldest is very very hard work because of SEN and is getting support from NHS emotional health and well being who are referring him on for yet another attempt for a ASD diagnosis… he has complex needs including attachment issues and is very difficult to live with, for all of us. That sounds harsh but there’s no denying it. I love my eldest dearly but he is double the work of all the others put together. The dynamic between dp and the eldest is bad but I’m not sure it’s fair to blame dp for that as eldest finds all social interaction very very difficult.

Sometimes it feels okay with dp. And then sometimes it doesn’t. We’ll have a few weeks of us being alright and then it flips for a couple of weeks. I find it really difficult rebuilding our relationship so often. He says more and more hurtful things and I feel sadder and sadder. Last fight was because I said I’d like to spend some time with him as a couple- like have a cup of tea together once the kids are in bed- he said no, he spent enough time with me and had no interest in me as a person. Then he says I mustn’t hold onto the things he says but also that I mustn’t infer anything from his behaviour and only pay attention to what he says.

But, here’s the thing, surely it works both ways. I don’t think dp is happy with me either. I have no idea why we start fighting, dp says it’s me- that I find a problem. What if he’s right? I don’t think he is but I can’t see our relationship from the outside.

I wonder if everyone wrote down the negative aspects of their relationship would they all seem abusive? He does look after the kids sometimes for me to work, although before I started studying he wouldn’t look after them. It’s difficult to explain but I don’t think it’s as bad as it seems on paper. If I was reading this rather than typing it I’d think I was an idiot.

@WizardOfAus
Is there an age gap here? Is he much older than you?

4 years

Oh dear op. You are in an abusive relationship. Grabbing kids a little bit is not ok. He will be affecting your eldest.

You need to leave. Not in 5 years.

This is no life.

@Orla1970

I think you put important decisions off. That’s not a criticism. So you have said you will marry him at your ten year anniversary. That puts that decision off. You have said you can’t leave him until you have finished your studies. That puts that decision off for 5 years.

I don’t see it as putting things off but maybe it is. I think it’s easier to get through things if there’s a limit. But yes, I suppose I’m putting off the marriage decision but I genuinely don’t know if we should get married then or not. As our relationship is now, definitely not. But maybe we’ll learn to understand each other in time- we did get on earlier in our relationship. Maybe I’ll become more assertive!

How often does he go out?

Why would you even contemplate marrying someone who isn't nice to your kids (does that include the joint kids) and who told you he didn't want to spend quality time with you as he had already spent enough time round you on that day?

Yes you need to become more assertive, but not to help your relationship, but to get out of your relationship

said no, he spent enough time with me and had no interest in me as a person. Then he says I mustn’t hold onto the things he says but also that I mustn’t infer anything from his behaviour and only pay attention to what he says.

OP that is just awful, in so many ways. Deliberately confusing, undermining and cruel head-fuckery.

You need more than an assertiveness book - you need to leave, before you lose your sanity.

I have a very complex special needs adult child and life with him isn't easy but I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate my husband mistreating him like it sounds how your partner is doing. Think about it-you can't say anything perceived as criticism to him, he's never in the wrong, he expects you to do all childcare and household chores and he doesn't give a damn if you had previous plans! If you own the house as inherited why would you have to move if you broke up? You as their mother are the only other person in the home to protect them from abuse.

If your SN dc confides in a person of authority you may not have dc to worry about op..
You are allowing your dc to be physically abused...
If my dh touched a dc of mine in anything less than a hug he would be eating via a straw...

The dynamic between dp and the eldest is bad but I’m not sure it’s fair to blame dp for that as eldest finds all social interaction very very difficult.
Of course it's fair. Who is the adult here - DP or DS?

Sometimes it feels okay with dp. And then sometimes it doesn’t. We’ll have a few weeks of us being alright and then it flips for a couple of weeks. I find it really difficult rebuilding our relationship so often.
This is called the cycle of abuse, & it's another classic.
Nobody would enter a relationship, or stay in it, with an abuser who is abusive 100% of the time.
So there are periods of love-bombing, to remind the partner of how good things can feel. Then back to the abuse, to ensure the partner stays in their obedient lane.
(google "idealise, devalue, discard")
Of course you find it difficult, rebuilding the relationship time & again. You are meant to. It's deliberate - to keep you exhausted, & controlled.
Look back on your own posts & you will see how you are already aware of this on some level - you reference feeling gaslit, & not knowing if you are coming or going.

He says more and more hurtful things and I feel sadder and sadder.
He is ramping up - another classic.
Each cycle, he will escalate his cruelty & awfulness.
It will get worse & worse, with you as the "boiled frog".
And you think you can take another 5 years of this?

Last fight was because I said I’d like to spend some time with him as a couple- like have a cup of tea together once the kids are in bed- he said no, he spent enough time with me and had no interest in me as a person.
So HE manufactured this fight.
He waited until you politely & meekly asked for some attention, then used that request to devalue & hurt you.

Then he says I mustn’t hold onto the things he says but also that I mustn’t infer anything from his behaviour and only pay attention to what he says.
WTAF?

OP this is really, really, serious.
There is only one way to assess a person's character, & that is by their deeds.
Anybody can talk the talk. Words are cheap, & too easily meaningless.
What he means is you had better ignore all his bad behaviour, & pay attention to the lies & malice that come out of his mouth.
Or else.

But, here’s the thing, surely it works both ways. I don’t think dp is happy with me either. I have no idea why we start fighting, dp says it’s me- that I find a problem. What if he’s right?
Your DP's stock in trade is to make you feel that you are inadequate, that you are the problem, that he is always right, that you must do as you are told, that he must always be pandered to, that your needs are worthless, but his must always be attended to.
This is yet another very common tactic of the abuser.
He WANTS you to feel he is unhappy with you. It keeps your confidence low. He wants you to be so scared he might leave that you will put up with anything to keep him.

You have no idea why you start fighting, because you don't start the fights. He manufactures them, to keep you undermined & in servitude to him. Telling you that "it's your fault - you find a problem" is his way of ensuring that you never bring problems to him.
Problems like "why did you buy lettuce", or "why are you yet again asking me if I've done my academic work when you know I can't because I'm doing 100% of the domestic & childcare load".
He's training you to never question him, & never express your own needs.

What if he's right? I don’t think he is but I can’t see our relationship from the outside.
Don't worry, we can, & we know he's not right either.

It’s difficult to explain but I don’t think it’s as bad as it seems on paper.
Living with a coercive controller is such a major headfuck that it's almost impossible to explain.
And I can assure you, it's much worse than it seems on paper. You are just not yet ready to see it for what it is - & that's not your fault, it's an entirely understandable & common phenomenon of domestic abuse.

Okay so he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them a tiny bit. This is awful written down.
HE DOES WHAT?
Yes, it is awful. It is unforgiveable.
And you know that - just like the cycle of abuse & the increasingly cruel rows, it is going to escalate - don't you?

Are you going to wait until he is giving your kids the same verbal hell he gives you, or is actively hitting them, before you start working out out to remove this contemptible piece of shit from your lives?

But, here’s the thing, surely it works both ways. I don’t think dp is happy with me either. I have no idea why we start fighting, dp says it’s me- that I find a problem. What if he’s right? I don’t think he is but I can’t see our relationship from the outside.

Trust me he is happy, it's just that his concept of happiness is very very different to yours, mine, all the posters on this thread! He is living cheaply with a partner who doesn't dare confront him, that he can exert his power over (plus dc too) whilst giving out the impression to the world that he is a wonderful family man who selflessly took on 2 other dc. He is exactly where he wants to be in life. Especially with the goal of further controlling due to marriage and sharing of assets

But yes, I suppose I’m putting off the marriage decision but I genuinely don’t know if we should get married then or not. As our relationship is now, definitely not. But maybe we’ll learn to understand each other in time- we did get on earlier in our relationship.

Things were better at the beginning of the relationship because he was spending a lot more time in the "idealise" phase of the "idealise, devalue, discard" cycle.
Because that is how abusers operate.
Please pay attention to how he is escalating, & FFS stop selling yourself the bullshit that he has any capacity for improvement.
Plus - he is never going to not be the man who is "not nice to my kids, grabs them & drags them", is he?

Are you seeing it yet - the reason he instructed you to ignore his behaviours, but believe his words?

How have you managed not to hit him upside the head with a frying pan, for manhandling your kids?
How do you think they are enjoying having this cuckoo in their nest?

Apologies for how harshly those questions might hit you OP.
But you seriously need to consider them, & I am concerned about your isolation.
You need to open up to someone in real life, & yet here you are, pushing your friends away, because His Lordship has decided that he's going out tonight. with no notice.

Maybe I’ll become more assertive!
Maybe you will.
But it doesn't happen by wishing for it.
You would need to commit to a lot of learning, & preferably therapy, to change the engrained habit of constantly puttiing your needs behind those of selfish arseholes who don't deserve you

Maybe I’ll become more assertive!

Maybe, hopefully! But I don't think that is something that's going to have the effect on the relationship that you're hoping for.

When you are explaining to social services why your dc is being abused might you become assertive then?
What use will your Great Job be when your dc are in care?

Oh God. It just keeps getting worse. This a terrible situation. You need counselling/therapy and he needs to leave your house.

But maybe we’ll learn to understand each other in time- we did get on earlier in the relationship

So the abuser was on his best behaviour. Let me guess how it went? Reeling you in. Idealising the relationship. Love bombing… and this was before he met your kids, I imagine?

And while we are talking about your kids, do you think he’s suddenly going to get more caring toward your eldest? Believe you me, he isn’t. Teens are hard work, it starts at maybe 12 with boys. Much harder work than younger kids and you say your ds can be tricky due to additional needs. He will soon be a teen and my betting is the abuse toward him will ramp up causing untold emotional damage to him. And to your other kids, who are spectators.

You cannot and I mean cannot live like this anymore. This man is abusing your child and you. And I’m sorry to say that if you continue to allow this to happen, he sees you not protecting your ds as tacit approval. If you won’t save yourself, please save your child.

Maybe I’ll become more assertive!
How and where are you going to obtain these skills? You hardly have time to this. The abuser has seen to that. He seems very happy with you bare foot and pregnant, whittling away your inheritance. This is just wishful thinking. Get your feet back on the ground woman. This is not a fairy tale with a happily ever after ending.

Kick this prick out. Now.