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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lettuce for fifth birthday

325 replies

Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 20:29

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 04/09/2021 17:56

OP, I do understand. I've had kids with significant levels of need, where parenting was really bloody hard. We have moments where we are not our best, and I think you are forgiving DP's behaviour because you recognise what a struggle parenting that DC is. Thing is, that doesn't sound like how it is for him. It doesn't sound like he's at the end of his tether after being brilliant for weeks and loses it momentarily. It doesn't sound like the grab/yank that's rougher than it should be when you pull your child away from something dangerous. It sounds more like lack of concern and care for the dc.

And you said this I find it really difficult rebuilding our relationship so often. He says more and more hurtful things and I feel sadder and sadder. Why is that your job? Why are you constantly repairing, while he constantly smashes and damages? He's like the bully on the beach smashing sandcastles, while you patiently rebuild them for your dc.

I think you need to outside support, perhaps look at The Freedom Programme. Ring Women's Aid to talk things through.

Perhaps we're all wrong. Or perhaps you're desensitised to his abusive behaviour. Thing is, it sounds pretty miserable.

I've been waiting 25 years for my marriage to get happier. It's ok, we're content. We've found ways of rubbing along together. Thing is, my DH while not love's young dream is a decent, hardworking, honest man. Clumsy as sin, a bit tight, and rather insensitive, but fundamentally decent. Your bloke isn't, I'm afraid.

Give it some thought. I think there's a better way.

thelastgoldeneagle · 04/09/2021 17:59

Why didn't you just say you had plans, yours were in the calendar first, so you were going out??

The more you write, the worse he sounds.

Your own house and money - no wonder he's keen to marry, op.

And no, not all men are abusive.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 04/09/2021 18:05

Okay so he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them a tiny bit. This is awful written down. Dp does try.

Ok, this is bad. There is no ‘grabbing and dragging a tiny bit’ there is grabbing and dragging which is violent and will be scary for a child and not doing that. There is no in between, which is lesser or ok.
Through this lens the lettuce thing seems worse, you asked for party food, he brought you 4 almost rotten dated lettuces. It’s a metaphor, and a deliberate sabotage. Let the scales fall from your eyes OP. He’s not ok, and he’s not trying.
Ive been on here years but a regular name changer, this is my first LTB.

FairFuming · 04/09/2021 18:15

@Goldbar

Look, this may be meant to be funny but the part I'm picking up on (and which is making me feel stressed just reading it) is that you're looking after 4 young children, cooking, cleaning, trying to plan a party AND trying to do your own academic work. And he can't even pick up some fucking party food. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! You matter. Your health matters. Your sanity matters.

If there is no way round the work and childcare at the same time, he needs to be doing his share of the cooking and housework and taking over from you the minute he steps through the door so you can go and work quietly in peace in the evening.

100% this!
IntermittentParps · 04/09/2021 18:36

Leave. Him.

MinnieJackson · 04/09/2021 19:01

Your post has made it to the sun newspaper OP Confused
www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16050282/mum-partners-terrible-food-shop-kids-birthday-party/

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 04/09/2021 19:44

@MinnieJackson

Your post has made it to the sun newspaper OP confused
www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16050282/mum-partners-terrible-food-shop-kids-birthday-party/

The f**kers. How is this news?
If dp was a monster then putting this sort of article where he’d see it could put me in danger or at least explode my life. Luckily he’s not such a monster that he reads the sun.

Thanks for letting me know Minnie (assuming you don’t know about it because you wrote it)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’d be interested to see what response my dp would get if he posted on dadsnet (is that a thing?) about me. I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their perspectives, it’s certainly made me think a lot. I’m hanging the bunting and tomorrow will be a great fifth birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Franklyfrost · 04/09/2021 19:46

That article is so identifying… what if he tells his friends and they read it and tell him… he wouldn’t mention the lettuces to them but he might have a grumble about my studies.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2021 19:51

You can ask for your thread to be deleted and start another under a username. Then you can’t be traced. Don’t let this rattle you. There is nothing so very terrible in the article. You should be more concerned about him reading the thread… if you’re afraid of his reactions as you seem to be.

Which is why should Chuck him out.

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 04/09/2021 19:58

I think if I delete the tread and he finds out then it’s worse? Because I can’t show him the rest- and it’s not as if I was calling him a dick myself but if he reads just the article he could assume we were all just having a bitch about him whereas I did explain that I love him and circumstances are difficult. Bugger.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 04/09/2021 20:01

Yes OP please ask for your thread to be deleted so the link they’ve included in their article will come up blank. Change your username also.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 04/09/2021 20:02

Ask MNHQ to delete the thread and then name change

fruitbrute · 04/09/2021 20:09

The Sun really are a bunch of cunts aren't they? Ditto the Mail and any other lazy so called journalists who trawl this site

Please come back for support on the relationships board with a different username Flowers

mathanxiety · 04/09/2021 20:35

They are a bunch of lazy bastards, and one day they will be morally responsible for the murder of some woman who comes to MN looking for relationship help.

Tiredmum100 · 04/09/2021 21:09

Omg, throw him out OP. For the dcs sake if not for your own. If anyone hurt my children I would want to kill them. Protect your children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2021 21:16

@Franklyfrost

I think if I delete the tread and he finds out then it’s worse? Because I can’t show him the rest- and it’s not as if I was calling him a dick myself but if he reads just the article he could assume we were all just having a bitch about him whereas I did explain that I love him and circumstances are difficult. Bugger.
This is not the normal reaction of someone, who can talk to their partner. Reading between the lines, I wonder if there is part of you, who doesn’t know how a normal relationship works. I note you have had an inheritance.

I’m sorry but why on Earth would you care about whether a man, who is violent with your child has his ego bashed. And why on Earth do you love him? He sounds vile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2021 21:18

Oops I meant to add, was there inheritance parents or something - sorry to pry. I’m just wondering why you’re reacting like this. Do you have someone irl to talk to?

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 21:21

yeah well if the thread stays up & he gets to read it -

hey, arsehole! get your hands off those kids you shameful tosser.

And admit to OP you're with her for the free housing, childcare, & domestic servitude. Then pack your bags & fuck off, take the lettuces with you.

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 04/09/2021 21:36

@Mummyoflittledragon
Reading between the lines, I wonder if there is part of you, who doesn’t know how a normal relationship works.

I have no idea how a normal relationship works. I’ve met plenty of people, some of whom had relationships that seemed to work from the outside but I don’t understand how they work. Compromise and love? Lots of getting up and trying again? Being as kind as possible? These are vague things, I believe in them but they’re hardly a how to guide

OP posts:
Goldbar · 04/09/2021 21:43

OP, compromise and love and getting up and trying again only work if you're with someone who's also trying to do those things. Otherwise, you're just enabling them to continue taking from you and putting you down. Please put yourself and your DC first Flowers.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 21:47

[quote Franklyfrost]@Mummyoflittledragon
Reading between the lines, I wonder if there is part of you, who doesn’t know how a normal relationship works.

I have no idea how a normal relationship works. I’ve met plenty of people, some of whom had relationships that seemed to work from the outside but I don’t understand how they work. Compromise and love? Lots of getting up and trying again? Being as kind as possible? These are vague things, I believe in them but they’re hardly a how to guide[/quote]
You're right - compromise, love, kindness...

But on both sides, equally. Not just one partner doing / being those things and the other receiving them!

Boredmotherofone · 04/09/2021 21:57

An astoundingly increasing number of women seem to take the song 🎵Stand By Your Man 🎵^^ wayyyyy too literally and to the absolute extreme. Unconditional love is not a thing when it comes to romantic relationships. You should never have to just 'put up with' abusive behaviour, just because you love that person.
Unconditional love for children & animals - absolutely! But not in relationships!!!!

Know your worth. Gin

Horehound · 04/09/2021 22:21

he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them

Right, I've had enough. We've told you he is mistreating you. But now you tell us he grabs and drags your kids...what the hell are you doing. You need to get him away from you all.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2021 23:02

I have no idea how a normal relationship works. I’ve met plenty of people, some of whom had relationships that seemed to work from the outside but I don’t understand how they work. Compromise and love? Lots of getting up and trying again? Being as kind as possible? These are vague things, I believe in them but they’re hardly a how to guide

They are based on mutual good faith and mutual respect. From these flow mutual kindness, consideration, patience with each other, and enduring love.
The key word is MUTUAL. Your relationship is lacking this essential mutuality.

A relationship where the kindness, patience, consideration, good faith, and respect are a one way street is one that is going to fail no matter how hard that one individual tries, and do a lot of damage.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2021 23:09

We find it difficult to understand each other perhaps.

You understand each other perfectly. He says jump, you say how high?

He's grabbing and pulling a child. It might be worth your while self-reporting to social services, to ask them to work with you to keep your children safe. At least talk to the school(s) and let them know what's happening.