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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
sleepykits · 03/09/2021 07:51

@Kindlethefourth

You will remain upset however many posters tell you not to be however how you deal with this going forward is the way you will cope with it. Do not let this consume your life from now until the wedding. SIL will be justifying her bad behaviour by having your daughter as flower girl. Don't make it easy for her but above all retain your dignity. Buy a knockout outfit. Have your hair and make up done on the morning of wedding so you don't have to drop off DD or get involved in the bridal prep at all. Enjoy looking fabulous whilst the other adult bridesmaids are forced into unflattering polyester. If people comment that you are not a bridesmaid continue to retain your dignity and smile but practice a response which doesn't reveal you are hurting but shows people what you think of the bride's behaviour. Drink champagne whilst the boring photo session takes place and circle the floor smiling and looking delightful whilst the bridesmaids are being lined up for endless poses. Do not agree to take part in daughters fittings for dresses and do not offer to pay for anything she wears. MIL can take her and you make sure you are doing something to treat yourself that day. People behave crazily preparing for weddings and please focus less on 'roles'. I had thought the Covid restrictions would have made people put less emphasis on huge bridal parties and fuss going forward but it appears not!! Good luck and remember. Dignity above all else x

Good advice here ^

happydays2345 · 03/09/2021 07:51

I would see this is brilliant news, you don't have to be at the front of the wedding party, you don't have to partake in any lead up nonsense, and you can wear what you want! Perfect

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:52

@Kindlethefourth Thank you for taking the time to write that! I will take this all on board. Fantastic advice. Dignity is important xFlowers

OP posts:
CutePanda · 03/09/2021 07:52

@gogohm

It always seems odd that grown women are bridesmaids anyway (unless sister/children of bride) just realise it means you don't need to deal with demands
Why? What if you don’t have any female family members? A bridesmaid in her 20s is totally normal! A bit strange if they’re close to 40 or older.
BluebellsGreenbells · 03/09/2021 07:53

I would also read some nightmare hen do threads and be pleased there isn’t an expectation for you to be there!

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:54

@happydays2345 True..but does it not also say she never really liked me. Or am I being ridiculous? I know how I sound by the way 😂

OP posts:
lockdownmadnessdotcom · 03/09/2021 07:54

@AnneLovesGilbert

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!

That the thought even crossed your mind even if only so you can say you won’t do it, is really concerning.

Nonsense. The OP was probably saying that precisely to head off the sanctimonious people making just such accusations. Sigh.

I imagine part of this is because the OP and her DP are not married.

Anyway I had my small cousin as a flower girl at my wedding - her mother (my aunt by marriage) didn't have a big role at the wedding. In fact other than being a lovely guest I don't remember her having any role at all.

As a grown adult I wouldn't want to be bridesmaid, it's something for kids (and maybe young adults if they've not had the chance as adults). But if you are old enough to post on MN and have kids - you are too old to care.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:54

So people wouldn't go to the hen do?

OP posts:
Newcastleteacake · 03/09/2021 07:55

I couldn't see it anywhere but does your DP have a role in the wedding?

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 03/09/2021 07:55

Are you invited to the hen do? Well that's a step up from me OP as I have never been invited to one (though I was a bridesmaid as a teen).

LargeBouquet · 03/09/2021 07:55

It sounds like you’re construing the fact that four couples regularly socialise together into meaning you are specifically close to the bride as an individual. Whereas to me it doesn’t necessarily imply parity within the individual relationships, only that there are different degrees of closeness within those eight people.

Newmumatlast · 03/09/2021 07:57

@again2020

Bride to be has three brothers (no sisters) . The other two brothers wives are bridesmaid.
Do they have children and if so are their children also flower girls or page boys? If not, it may be you arent bridesmaid because your daughter is. Some people do this and it would explain it. I think you're over thinking it.
Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2021 07:58

So the bride has 3 brothers and groom 2 sisters so 5 sil all together

And 4 of the sil are bm and you aren’t

Yes that’s rude

Even tho your dd is a bm the bride has excluded you as having the other 4

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2021 07:59

I actually think your dp or df the brother of bride needs to ask why she has included her other 4 sil but not you

JustJustWhy · 03/09/2021 07:59

I understand how you feel. When I was in Primary school there were two "Regina George" sisters. The older one invited everyone in the class to her party bar my friend. The younger one did the same thing with my sister. Both were crushed. Yes, that was primary school but feelings of exclusion can smart at any time. I can totally imagine that over the course of the year when you're at these regular family gatherings and every female there is chatting about their role in the wedding you'll feel awkward and a bit sad.

KateTheEighth · 03/09/2021 08:00

I think you've dodged a bullet

You can wear what you want rather than a clingy negligee style dress or a meringue and help your dd have a fabulous time without being at the beck and call of the bride

UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced · 03/09/2021 08:01

That’s really hurtful. I’m quite thick skinned but if all the family couples had a “role” it would hurt. Just seems unnecessary :( and tbh a bit cruel.
And I am married and I know all the stress and other peoples opinions etc that go with it. We were firm it was “our day” so our decisions but yeah I would never have just left 1 person in the family out.

RubySlippers123 · 03/09/2021 08:04

[quote again2020]@Brollypackedforscottishholiday I've got a massive conk...that's all I can think of 😂😬[/quote]
Just totally misread that as something else op! 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:06

@UnderTheMoonlightWeDanced I think so too.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:07

@RubySlippers123 Thought someone might! 😂 Wish I had, it's easier being a bloke 😂

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 03/09/2021 08:09

@Blondeshavemorefun

I actually think your dp or df the brother of bride needs to ask why she has included her other 4 sil but not you
That is even more bonkers than the OP assuming she has the right to be a BM to start with
burnoutbabe · 03/09/2021 08:11

Is your dp and all his brothers also part of the grooms side of the event?

As then it's an obvious snub, everyone else sat up front and you oh your Tod sat at the back. And sat on your own at the reception maybe?
Nothing you can do but yes it would hurt.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:11

I don't think I have a right to be a bridesmaid. But I do think including all other SILs is hurtful. Bride to be isn't close to her husband to bes sisters, at least not one of them (she had told me this).

OP posts:
MissMarpleRocks · 03/09/2021 08:11

I’d be hurt too in your position. She’s included all sils bar you? It doesn’t matter that your dd is a flower girl as all the nieces are.

She’s specifically excluded one family member. Not nice. Says more about her than you tbh.

Kindles advice above was excellent.

CookieAubergine · 03/09/2021 08:11

I know the reason. You are prettier with a better figure than the rest and she doesn’t want the competition