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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
gogohm · 03/09/2021 07:19

It always seems odd that grown women are bridesmaids anyway (unless sister/children of bride) just realise it means you don't need to deal with demands

doodlejump1980 · 03/09/2021 07:19

I had my (now ex) SIL as one of my bridesmaids. Worst decision ever. She left my brother, so now all my wedding photos have that awful woman in them. Sorry not helpful!

Loudestcat14 · 03/09/2021 07:22

[quote again2020]@thepeopleversuswork Definitely feel snubbed by the family. Is that an overreaction?[/quote]
The family hasn't snubbed you though, your SIL has just decided she wants members other than you to be part of the bridal party. You said she's close to your daughter – that's why your daughter is a flower girl.

Seriously, be thankful. Not being a bridesmaid is a blessing. You can wear a killer dress of your own choosing that actually suits your shape and skin tone and drink as much champagne as you want without worrying about looking sober in the wedding photos. Big win!

ShuddaBeenMe · 03/09/2021 07:25

I can't understand why you think you've got a large role in the wedding because your dd is flower girl.

With respect I think you need to grow up a bit.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 07:26

The Op has said in her opening post that the other SIL are closer to the bride than she is.

Why should the bride be required to have an additional bridesmaid simply to save the Op from feeling offended?

There is probably half a dozen friends that are closer to the bride then the Op.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/09/2021 07:27

I love MN :-)

Don't take no for an answer. Buy your own BM dress and follow them all down the isle. Push your way into every photo.

Make sure you get to the top table first or just elbow a flower girl out of the way. Give a speech- make sure you use it to settle old scores.

Don't forget to cut the cake.

EmeraldRaine · 03/09/2021 07:29

I had this with my SIL. Bit of a kick in the teeth isn't it! Although her wedding never actually happened.

If your dd is a flowergirl, just get her dress and turn up with her on the day wearing it. No further involvement needed.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:29

@donquixotedelamancha Funny aren't ya 😂

Thanks everyone for replying.

OP posts:
ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 03/09/2021 07:29

I thought that bridesmaids came from the bride's side - when did the obligation begin to have members of the groom's family?

billiebeeme · 03/09/2021 07:32

I had my sil as bridesmaid and she didn't have me as one at her wedding a few yrs later. I just felt that I should have her as one and it would be nice. We get on well, sometimes meet up for lunch etc.

She has no sisters and I'm her only sil but she had her 4/5 friends as bridesmaids. She just told me she already had enough and couldn't really afford another (not really true) but it's up to her. Least she told me in person. Luckily I wasn't too fussed. My little girl was a flower girl too.

Ohdeariedear · 03/09/2021 07:32

When’s the wedding OP? Is there time for you and DP to get married beforehand and steal their thunder?!

Personally, I hate being a bridesmaid and don’t see the point of big weddings but even so, be gutted too - as others have said a choice has been made and you’ve been excluded. No matter the reason, if it was me, it would make me rethink my interactions with them all in the future.

CoronaPeroni · 03/09/2021 07:32

Crikey stop with the 'oh but you're not MARRIED' put downs. As if that would be a reason! Besides if it was, why would they want an 'illegitimate' child to be a flower girl? Hmm

Op, maybe it was two adult bridesmaids from each side? And the fact that you are the only female not included might not have crossed her mind. Not sure what I would say going forward but I would tell her that you feel hurt and then hopefully she can tell you her reasons. Sooner rather than later as well

SeasonFinale · 03/09/2021 07:32

She doesn't need to tell you you are not a bridesmaid, she just asks the knes she is having to be one. You really don't get your phone book out and contact everyone who isn't in the bridal party to tell them they aren't. Did she ask your DP about your daughter being flower girl then or is that second hand news from MIL?

A BBQ (presumably wih DP) and a lunch a few weeks back doesn't make you close. If anything that indicates that you aren't that close.

ActonSquirrel · 03/09/2021 07:32

Wouldn't want my dps sister as a bridesmaid. She is his sister not mine!!!

My sister had her ex husbands sister as bridesmaid. Note the ex husband. They are no longer on speaking terms and she said she shouldn't have bothered having her as bridesmaid.

It isn't a big deal. Is her wedding.

Do I have it right that you're not married to your dp so she would be having her brothers girlfriend as bridesmaid

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/09/2021 07:32

Large role at the wedding? You probably won’t even get to dress her yourself before the hairdresser swoops in and the photographer does the getting ready photos.

Reminds me of when I had to buy a corsage for sil as mil was on the phone saying “she’s a very important part of the wedding, she’s the grooms sister!”.

SeasonFinale · 03/09/2021 07:33

*ones not knes

Torvean · 03/09/2021 07:42

Being a bridesmaid is overrated. I would not do it again Hmm

Derbee · 03/09/2021 07:43

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think it’s really nasty to leave one person out. If she had chosen one SIL as a bridesmaid, that might have been ok. But to have chosen all of them except you is nasty. I’d be hurt. Be the bigger person though, and don’t say anything.

Lovesacake · 03/09/2021 07:44

I’m surprised that people care about stuff like this, and I’m even more surprised that you would expect to be told directly that you aren’t a bridesmaid. No one has ever told me I’m not a bridesmaid, I just assume I’m not unless they say otherwise. I thought that’s how it works! So if your SIL thinks like me it may just genuinely not have occurred to her to sit you down and inform you that you aren’t a bridesmaid.

Kindlethefourth · 03/09/2021 07:44

You will remain upset however many posters tell you not to be however how you deal with this going forward is the way you will cope with it. Do not let this consume your life from now until the wedding. SIL will be justifying her bad behaviour by having your daughter as flower girl. Don't make it easy for her but above all retain your dignity. Buy a knockout outfit. Have your hair and make up done on the morning of wedding so you don't have to drop off DD or get involved in the bridal prep at all. Enjoy looking fabulous whilst the other adult bridesmaids are forced into unflattering polyester. If people comment that you are not a bridesmaid continue to retain your dignity and smile but practice a response which doesn't reveal you are hurting but shows people what you think of the bride's behaviour. Drink champagne whilst the boring photo session takes place and circle the floor smiling and looking delightful whilst the bridesmaids are being lined up for endless poses. Do not agree to take part in daughters fittings for dresses and do not offer to pay for anything she wears. MIL can take her and you make sure you are doing something to treat yourself that day. People behave crazily preparing for weddings and please focus less on 'roles'. I had thought the Covid restrictions would have made people put less emphasis on huge bridal parties and fuss going forward but it appears not!! Good luck and remember. Dignity above all else x

Derbee · 03/09/2021 07:47

@Lovesacake

I’m surprised that people care about stuff like this, and I’m even more surprised that you would expect to be told directly that you aren’t a bridesmaid. No one has ever told me I’m not a bridesmaid, I just assume I’m not unless they say otherwise. I thought that’s how it works! So if your SIL thinks like me it may just genuinely not have occurred to her to sit you down and inform you that you aren’t a bridesmaid.
When every other female adult is involved in the wedding? Surely nobody is this socially unaware?
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:48

I appreciate the replies and advice.
Let me explain. Yes I'm not married to her brother. But the dynamic in their families is that the four couples (Bride and groom to be, SIL and BIL and other SIL and BIL) socialise a lot together. Meals out, nights out, go to places, see each others kids. She has also reffered to me as her SIL in the past . Of those 8 people, I'm the only one excluded. Everyone telling me to stop over reacting, would this genuinely not bother you at all? You are more thick skinned than me. I am over sensitive.
Not sure how to take the relationships forward in the future or about a hen do. I should probably act like it doesn't matter at all, but it's knowing all the woman will be doing things together except me. If that's childish, I'll take it , but will try go grow up and change my attitude.
SILs have also had rows with the bride to be over the years, as you sometimes do.
I know it's her wedding and being a bridesmaid must be a pain. Of course I'll go anyway and pretend I'm not bothered and tried to have fun anyway.

OP posts:
Blitzes · 03/09/2021 07:49

I get it OP it’s not the fact that you’re not a bridesmaid, I’m sure you’ll be fine with that it’s such a faff, it’s the fact that you’re the only adult woman who’s been left out. It does come across as a sub mainly because it seems that all the bridesmaid dress plans etc are some massive secret that’s being kept from you and your husband. Personally if I didn’t want my Sil as a bridesmaid and hadn’t asked her I wouldn’t insist everyone keep quiet our plans for dresses and fittings etc because that would make it seem sneaky and personal

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 07:50

Sorry I should have mentioned me and DP socialise with the other 3 couples regularly, thaf is the 8 people I mean.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/09/2021 07:51

if it was your dd left out, to some extent I could understand but your an adult who I take it has an invitation to the wedding?