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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:14

I will have to see her (and the other SILs on brides side) quite regularly still, so what do I do about it? They are a huggy, talk about anything kind of family...and I won't find this easy now at least not for the short term. I'm also wondering if my daughter will say anything. She'll be almost 5 by the time they get married.

OP posts:
RubySlippers123 · 03/09/2021 08:14

@again2020

So people wouldn't go to the hen do?
Oh don't listen to people telling you to decline invites op. Just go to the hen & the wedding & be the bigger person. Otherwise you will be causing issues that won't ever be forgotten.

My cousin had a complete sobbing meltdown at me before my wedding because I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid. She's a married woman & I had asked the kids in our family to do it instead. So she ended up being one very tall bridesmaid in the end.

I still can't believe she was so immature & self centred. But she clearly thought this was perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Personally I would be too embarrassed to behave like that, even if I was offended.

TillyTopper · 03/09/2021 08:15

You are over-reacting big time in my view. Your daughter is a flower girl and you don't need to be a bridesmaid as well. I actually think it's nice your daughter has been chosen. You need to back off, realise that whilst you've had good times you are not close. Stop being a SILzilla!

SeasonFinale · 03/09/2021 08:16

You probably need to stay off MN because people referring to the SIL as having bad behaviour when it is not, encouragibhbyou to not attend the hen last, suggesting your DP or his father get involved is whipping this up into something it really isn't. If you throw a hiss fit over this it will only end up worse for you and your poor DP.

Her wedding her choice. The same as it will be when/if you get married.

Jumpingintosummer · 03/09/2021 08:17

I can see why you would be hurt.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:17

@rubyslippers123

Good advice. I want to look back and be proud of how I handled it rather than embarass myself, and also want my DD go have a fantastic time. Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
RubySlippers123 · 03/09/2021 08:17

@again2020

I will have to see her (and the other SILs on brides side) quite regularly still, so what do I do about it? They are a huggy, talk about anything kind of family...and I won't find this easy now at least not for the short term. I'm also wondering if my daughter will say anything. She'll be almost 5 by the time they get married.
It will be fine. You'll get through it. Best thing to do is stay dignified. If it cones up just say "it's completely fine. My DD is a bridesmaid & she's delighted. I'm much happier being a relaxed guest!" Then wear a kick arse guest outfit!
LlamaTime · 03/09/2021 08:17

Agree with everyone else - a bridesmaid is someone you want with you as you get ready and to help you, has to be someone who you are very close with. I get on well with my SILs but would not ask them unless we were close. Do you ever do things just the two of you, or always in couples?

Movingsoon21 · 03/09/2021 08:17

Ok @again2020 I hadn’t realised the other SILs had DDs who were also flower girls. In that case it is hurtful as it is a snub.

I’m your shoes, I think the most important thing is to be dignified on the day. Ruining someone else’s wedding day, for any reason at all, is not on. So make sure you look fabulous, smile, say gracious things about the venue and the happy couple and spend quality time with the other family members (the BILs, grandparents, aunts etc) so that you’ve been a good guest and nobody can say “oh I see now why she wasn’t asked!”

In terms of the relationship going forward, I think I’d need to know why before deciding how to play that. Can DH ask his mum why you weren’t asked? She clearly feels uncomfortable about it so maybe she will feel guilty enough to explain why. But make sure DH asks from the POV of “I’m offended that my DP is the only woman not involved by my DSis, is there any reason why?” Rather than “My DP is pissed off - give us the reason!”

If it’s something personal then you’ll know not to bother with her in future as you don’t have the relationship you thought you did. If it’s something generic like she’s only asked married people or she just asked the people who asked her etc then I’d take it on the chin and make sure not to ask her to be BM when it was my turn!

Sorry OP, it’s shit to be left out Flowers

JingsMahBucket · 03/09/2021 08:18

@again2020 YANBU and it looks like you got the night crew of posters who like to stick the knife in and be rude to OPs. You have every right to be hurt. How's your partner feeling about it in the morning? Has he mentioned it to his sister at all?

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:18

@SeasonFinale I'm not going to have a hissy for at anyone. It isn't the way to behave. I came on mumsnet to vent and get advice. It's great for that!

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 03/09/2021 08:19

@again2020 this is good advice from @Movingsoon21

But make sure DH asks from the POV of “I’m offended that my DP is the only woman not involved by my DSis, is there any reason why?”

CherryHug · 03/09/2021 08:20

I am petty AF and would not allow my daughter to be a flower girl if they are going to treat you like that.

neonjumper · 03/09/2021 08:21

Yes it is hurtful . She has very obviously excluded you . This is very deliberate and has been discussed behind your back given your MILs reaction.

Another poster has already asked you , what exactly did the text say and what has your response been to your MIL.

Plus I think your DP being mildly put out is a bit rubbish .

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:24

@CookieAubergine I am actually the slimmest so I will take that! 😂
(Definitely not the prettiest!)

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 03/09/2021 08:25

The thing is though, and I hate being blunt but here it goes, @again2020, you are not a SiL yet.
You're a 'soon to be' SiL but as you haven't married the B2B's brother, you're not actually a SiL.
If the other two women are married to the B2B's brothers, then they are her Sisters-in-Law. You are not. Just yet.
She is extending an invitation to her niece to be a flowergirl but she doesn't have to have you as a bridesmaid or to be any part of the bridal party.
When you see the situation like this, you should be able to understand her point of view.

I'm not the SiL (just in case anyone thinks that the SiL has shown up on the thread). I have absolutely no idea who this family is or any of the people involved here.

Chickychickydodah · 03/09/2021 08:25

I would call it a lucky escape tbh, being a moh or bridesmade is a pain so enjoy their day and leave them to it .

bigbaggyeyes · 03/09/2021 08:25

I'd be hurt too op... in your shoes I'd carry on as normal but just remember it, I sure there are plenty of times you've done stuff that you weren't keen on doing, or put yourself out for her. I'd just keep it in mind if ever you find yourself in that position, and rather than doing what you think you 'should' do, do what's best for you. Start to put yourself first in those circumstances.

As for the hen do, wait until it's arranged, if it's something you find fun and it's convenient to go, then go, if it's an activity you're not keen on, or you've already made plans, no matter how fluid they are, then don't feel you 'have' to go.

lunar1 · 03/09/2021 08:26

I think it's pretty crappy of them. It's singling you out, it will feel shitty on the day with all the group pictures they do with the bridal party that's going to separate you from your partner and dd.

Having the wedding you want doesn't give a person free reign to be hurtful, she could have just had the children as bridesmaids. It might be a little odd for your dd too as the other mums will all be there.

It feels like the SIL hasn't though through the dynamics of the day.

I do wonder if many of the posters asking why do you care have as thicker skin as they make it seem. We are all human, nobody wants to be excluded. There isn't anything you can or should do about it, but your feelings are completely valid, don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/09/2021 08:27

Oh and just remember this when YOU fat married. 'Best served cold' springs to mind Grin

bigbaggyeyes · 03/09/2021 08:27

Get bit fat GrinGrin I wasn't insinuating anything

Onelifeonly · 03/09/2021 08:30

I think most people are spectacularly missing the point. OP isn't saying that she is longing to be a bridesmaid. She's wondering why she is the only adult female in the family who is left out. I can't believe more of you in real life would not feel slightly (maybe temporarily as OP has also said) hurt by something similar. Her DP also feels the same and he is the bride's brother.

And of course being mother to the flower girl involves her more in the wedding. She will hear all about the preparations, need to be involved in organising the dress, going to the rehearsal etc.

I'm sorry OP that so many people are determined to make you seem immature, sulky and spoilt. You don't sound like that to me. But then I have actually read what you have said.

Original poster
again2020 · 03/09/2021 08:33

DP hasn't said much apart from 'what should I do?' I told him nothing we can do and it's ok. He told me he feels betrayed as it's everyone else except me and I've always been so nice to her.
Text from MIL said 'What time are we meeting in X for the fitting' ...mistakenly sent to partner 😐 so he replied, his mum rang him but he didn't say much. She then rang me, and I asked of everyone was in the bridal party and she said, well that's the truth. S

OP posts:
lunar1 · 03/09/2021 08:38

If your in-laws have been trying to keep this a secret from you it adds a really nasty dynamic to the situation.

burnoutbabe · 03/09/2021 08:41

You haven't answered whether dp is part of the Grooms party?

If he is, he should probably politely decline so he can be with you during the day.

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